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bw1450 11-20-2006 04:38 PM

My kids verses his kids
I am recently divorced . I have a wonderful boyfriend. He is good to me in every way . Our problem is with our kids. He has a 6 year old daughter who in his eyes does no wrong.When she does do something he excuses it away with "well she's a girl". In my eyes she is a child ! I see no gender difference when it comes to disipline.My boys are 10 and 11 and he stays on them all the time .I do not mind that if they are doing wrong by all means put them in their place, but.....what irritates me the most is that his daughter can do the same things the boys do and he says nothing to her. She is allowed to hit the boys because she is a girl and the boys get blasted for hitting her....I do not think boys should hit girls nor do I think girls should hit boys. If the boys get caught doing something and they deny it " LIE" again they get blasted... His daughter has lied so many times I cannot count and many times denyed something I told him she did , indirectly calling me a liar. Am I wrong for getting upset that he treats his child differently than mine . That his has different rules than mine. Or am I justified in demanding he be equal and fair to them all . He talks of marriage and all I say is I'm not getting married. I don't tell him why. I refuse to marry anyone who cannot be fair to all the kids involved . I will not put my kids in a situation where they feel singled out and where his child gets away with everything she does. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Misty800 11-20-2006 05:06 PM

Re: My kids verses his kids
If you will not marry someone that does not treat your children right, why would you be in their presence at all.

You would be wise to move on in life and wait for someone to come into your life who will respect your children like they should be.

Believe me, he will never change. A boyfriend who is not good to your children is not being good to you. Living together is no different than being married to someone who does not treat your children right. Please think of your children first, you are the only one who can protect them.

bw1450 11-20-2006 06:09 PM

Re: My kids verses his kids
I don't live with him....He is wonderful to me . He does help in making my children mind. I do not deny my kids are not perfect... lol.... they are kids . Just he allows his to get away with things that he does not allow mine to do. I am trying to get him to see that by allowing his child to continue with her behavior is only going to hurt her in the long run. I am perfectly content with my decision to not marry this man and that is for my children.My kids come first in that decision. Should this man see the light and start disiplining his own as he would mine things could be different. I do not mean disapline as in spanking . I mean just correcting them when they do wrong.In my oppinion his daughter could use a good spanking for lying !!!!!!! BUT she is a girl!!!! So what he is teaching her is it is O.K. to lie. It is O.K. to misbehave. He spanked he once and she came out looked me in the eye and told me it did not hurt she was only crying because her daddy talked to her.... then when I told him what she said " INSTEAD OF APPOLOGIZING TO ME FOR HER BEHAVIOR" she then lied about what she did say . He said he was going to spank her again ... I at the time was home .... well he did nothing. HE FORGOT !!!!! She opened a pack of cigarettes and when asked who did it she denied it .... my boys were called into the room and they too were asked. They were all given a good scolding. I later told her I knew she opened the cigarettes and she told me not to tell her daddy because he would spank her. we had a long talk about lying and that she was willing to allow my boys to get in trouble for something they did not do just so she did not get in trouble. The problem I have with all of it is that she lies.... she doesn't care what happens to anyone else as long as it didn't happen to her.She has said things to me that were just plain ugly and mean and nothing is done about it ... My kids do not disrespect him in no way shape or form. They were taught better. They may want to say some ugly things to him but they don't.... It is so much more complex than just what I have told here ... I just don't know how to get this man to do something with his daughter and back off my boys. I will keep at it untill I have tried all I know to try and talked all I care to talk. After that point nothing more can be done and no chance for a big happy family thus good-bye time

Sannah 11-21-2006 08:48 AM

Re: My kids verses his kids
If you rely on someone else to discipline your children this is what you might get. Discipline your own children. No one else disciplines my children except myself and my husband. Why is everyone so upset about an open pack of cigarettes? A spanking for opening up a pack of cigarettes?

atilla2be 12-05-2006 08:15 PM

Re: My kids verses his kids
I'm a little late to this discussion....

I don't think she was saying she relied on someone else to discipline her kids; I read she was ticked her boyfriend didn't correct his daughter when she misbehaved or lied or whatever.

If your boyfriend refuses to see his daughter for what she really is or how she really acts (spoiled princess), then you have three choices: 1) accept it and learn to live with it, making sure your boys understand why you're accepting it; 2) tell the bf to wake up and start making his daughter understand the world does not revolve around her and begin the discipline. The BF needs to understand that you're concerned about his daughter's future if she continues in this manner of behaving...don't do the whine game about "fair is fair" because that won't get his attention. Or, choice #3, leave and raise your boys the way you want them to live and come to terms with the fact that guy wasn't the best choice for you at this particular time.

Any of those choices stink, but you want your boys to grow up into considerate, caring, truthful men -- you have to live it for them to understand and emulate it.

Good luck.

Dark Stranger 12-06-2006 11:18 AM

Re: My kids verses his kids
I don't think your boyfriend's attitude about his daughter stems from the fact that the child is a girl, but because the child is his. There are a lot of parents out there who feel that everyone else's children are little demons and their own children are perfect in every way, even if said perfect children act as bad as or worse than the kids deemed 'bad'. Your boyfriend sounds like one of these people, and it's doubtful that he will ever grow to see that his daughter is a brat. You can either suck it up and tell your sons that they need to put up with this behavior from the female child and the boyfriend, or you can move on and live the single life or find someone who will treat your children with respect (whether or not a new partner has their own children).

I also find it concerning that this guy has no problem disciplining your children and not his own. Perhaps he feels controlled by his daughter and her lousy attitude and he needs to know he has control over something...punishment of your kids, maybe? The young girl sounds almost like a sociopath in the making with the lies and seeming lack of emotion about the wrong she does. She also sounds like she's got Dad wrapped around her little finger, which is a sign of nothing good. I commend you on your decision not to marry this guy.

soon2bmommy 12-10-2006 04:56 PM

Re: My kids verses his kids
My stepfather is the same way. When my full brothers were younger, they got his wrath. His children (a boy and girl) were "angels". No matter what they did, in his eyes they did no wrong. They were the most rotten children I have ever seen. I hated him when I was younger because of it. Now that I'm older, I know why he did it.. Our parents went through a nasty divorce. In turn, he did everything he could to make his children think he was wonderful. Hence, no discipline whatsoever. "let them do what they want, they'll love me" was the way he looked at things.. But of course, when we were bad, it was yelling and time outs...

Not quite sure what advice to give, I know with my mother, talking it out didn't work. He just got angry with her.

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