12 year old "hates" moms boyfriend

09-11-2007, 04:17 AM

Hi everybody! Ok here's the delima. My exhusband (36) and I(37) have been separated for well over a year and I am dating again ( my ex moved in with his girl friend who is 8.5 years older then our daughter ,who will be 12 this month,the day he moved out)and no she was not the reason we divorced he was cheating on me with my so called best friend for 3 years and got busted,that's why we divorced. Unfortunately he was so stupid he told our dd that he was so in love w/the former best friend of mine and all sorts of other non-sense .so she is really angry w/him at this point( believe me so am I but thats neither here nor there)

So the current issue is I am dating this guy(37) who is really nice, very mellow, never married, has no children etc. Well my daughter is adamant she hates him,but in the next breath will send him a text msg saying Hi how are you? There has never been any PDA's infront of my children (2- boy (7) and daughter) he does not spend the nights or vise-versa. when we do things ( the 4 of us) it is low key picnics,go to the park, out to eat that kind of stuff. I don't believe she hates him as much as she claims, infact I'm not so sure she does at all, but when I ask her ,what is about him you hate so much, she can provide no answer,"it's just something about him" she replies. she is begging me to break off from seeing him, actually crying and carrying on. now let me tell you about her she is very very bright and has a tendency to be dramatic( she is in drama and all accelerated classes at school)She likes to think/try to be control of most situations ( she is the one that busted my ex all because of a text msg he would not let her read..).She does not get along w/my ex's gf at all, and really not even my ex, she basically only calls him when she wants something. When it comes to her dads gf, the 2 of them fight like teenagers. and the gf runs to "daddy" when my daughter says or does anything,then he turns around and says to our daughter ,"you are making so&so cry" and she gets in trouble, instead of trying to remind the gf that our daughter is having a hard time with this whole thing. Oh what a mess.

So any suggestions on how to help her understand that I have a life and am entitled to have a friend that I go out with as an adult. I am very involved with my children and all their activities and my friend is very supportive of me and very kind and patient. I know this is an adjustment for everyone but she needs to accept life today is not like it was 2+ years ago. also I do have both children in counseling and there is no issue with my son he gets along with both the bf and gf.

Sorry so long but thanks

09-11-2007, 06:31 AM

I'm thinking your daughter is worried about the situation with you and your bf turning into a similar situation to your ex and his gf. Or, even worse, she may be worried about getting attached to him and him turning around and doing what her father did. After all, he (your ex) is really the only "male figure" she has to compare him to.

Perhaps it would help to have some just one on one time with your daughter once a week so she knows that this bf isn't going to interfere the way her father's gf does. For example, you could go out for lunch just the two of you on the weekend or something. Whatever it is that could be special for just the two of you.

You are absolutely entitled to having your own life and your bf. Just be careful that he isn't there all the time and that you still do "family things" together. Give her some time. She is going through a hard enough time as it is. I'm sure she doesn't hate him as much as she is saying. I really think she is scared of what may be more than anything. Help reassure her that he isn't going to change you or your actions with the kids and I'm sure that will help ease some of the tensions.

09-28-2007, 01:27 PM

12 is a tough age for any child, then having to deal with divorce and Mommy & Daddy getting involved with other people is not easy to handle either.

I would suggest laying off any long term commitments until she is older (at least 16-18). I would keep the significant others out of the picture all together. You can "date" men, but I think that is all it should be at this point, they don't need to be introduced to your daugher. She has enough on her plate right now.

JMO---

09-28-2007, 02:16 PM

It isn't your daughter that needs to understand things...it is you that needs to understand how it should be. If you truly care about your daughter then stop this "family dating" with this guy...your daughter should not be texting him for any reason. If you just have to have a boyfriend in your life then see him on your own as a date but don't include the daughter/son...just act as if he is no longer in your life until your children are a few years older because right now in her life is the time you will loose them to bad things if you aren't right there supporting them during these upside down years. All this energy you are putting into the new man in your life should be going to your children. You are the roll model and the custodial parent so you are the one that needs to be the mature one and focus on your kids. Your daughter needs to hear you tell her she is the most important thing in the world and you will be there for her each step of the way. good luck.

09-30-2007, 03:43 AM

Hi as much having a partner is of importance to you your child at this particular age is of pramount importance. Your child has alot going through his/her mind a lot of fears which includes fear to loose mom.
Go slow on this matter ensure that you talk to your child and understand his/her perception of the matter.
Take care

wato88

10-03-2007, 09:38 PM

Hi guys! Well thank you for the opinions/input.I appreciate you taking the time to respond. As of right now it seems things are "mellowing " out a bit with my dd and my friend. Actually she recently had a birthday party and invited him to it. this was on her own free will. I understand the ramifications of moving too fast into a relationship,post parental split up, and the negative effects it may or may not have,( heck my mom is on her 3rd husband) and certainly I do not want to subject either of my children to something that may be detrimental either now or long term and that is why things are being handled in a very casual way. Maybe once every two weeks or so he comes to have dinner or something simple like that . Even when we greet each other and my children are present there is NO PDA's , there have been no over nights etc....

I know one of your responses indicated that I should wait till my daughter is well into her teen years, I'm sorry but I personally don't think that is realistic. I am very involved with my children and all that they do. I try very hard to balance family, work and adult time always putting my children front and center. When i am in the process of making decisions one of my first thoughts are how will this affect my children and so on...And I do do things one on one with both of my children , as time will allow. Certainly everyone is entitled to their opinion and I value what anyone has to offer.So again thanks for taking the time to give me whats on your mind .

10-15-2007, 05:58 AM

I think you have every right to date and have a life. Just make sure your new boyfriend doesn't try to boss your daughter around or tell her what to do. It will take time for her to get used to him. Looks like you are already seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck.

12 year old "hates" moms boyfriend

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