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  • 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

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    Old 02-12-2009, 08:03 PM   #1
    talcolt
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    4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    My 4th grader goes to a large elementary school with more than 600 kids. It's a fairly nice school also.

    His principal called me today and explained that at recess my child was grabbed by 3 other boys and they pulled his arms around a pole. He went on to explain that the 3 boys were all suspended, after other kids were questioned and verified what had happened.

    I was shocked. I asked if my child was ok, and the principal said he was ok. I thanked him for calling and hung up.

    When my son got home I questioned him as to what had happened and if he was hurt. He didn't seem very upset and wouldn't really tell me what happened. I had to bribe him, and only then did I get a partial story.

    He told me 1 boy had told the other 3 boys to grab him and they pulled him forward and back on the pole as if he was "humping" the pole, and they laughed like crazy. This was at recess.

    How should I feel about this? What should I do? How should I handle this situation?

    Last edited by talcolt; 02-12-2009 at 08:04 PM.

     
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    Old 02-12-2009, 08:37 PM   #2
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    I'm sorry this happened, and I'd expect you to be understandably upset, but I have to say, I think it's a positive thing that the principal called and informed you and that he took immediate action to suspend the bully's. This shows that they take it seriously. Hopefully that will be the end of it.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 08:38 PM   #3
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    I think this incident has already been handled very well by the school. Keep an eye out for any further stuff, otherwise it is over. Sera.

     
    Old 02-16-2009, 04:55 PM   #4
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    The principal took it seriously and called you. Keep your eyes and ears open for any changes in your son's behavior. Next time if it happens, the school may not be aware of it.

     
    Old 07-30-2009, 06:54 PM   #5
    Lava Alamode
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    Exclamation Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    I donít want to be an alarmist, but you and your son really need to take action immediately. While this might be an isolated incident it might also be your first glimpse of the tip of an ugly iceberg your son is already dealing with.

    If you donít prepare your son now, he wonít know what to do when it happens again. Do something ASAP, before a pattern is formed Ė once established, bully / victim relationships can last for years!

    Adam Blum, author of The Total Bully Solution, has written numerous articles on this subject. Heís got some amazing insights, and excellent, practical suggestions about how you can help your son handle everything from name calling to intimidation to physical confrontations.

    Iím telling you from my heart Ė do something NOW. The kids who were punished are just getting started; now theyíve got a grudge against your son.

     
    Old 07-30-2009, 08:08 PM   #6
    Randyrockpile
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    Everybody has there own opinion, But I feel great anquish for kids that get bullied, and if I was in this positin I would demand a meeting with the princeable and the other parents to discuss this.
    You will be able to tell how strict the parents will be on the situation when you meet them. And you need to be firm on how concerned you are to get the message to the kids.
    Your son is now a target on or off school grounds.
    Although we know he's not, but consider a tatal tale to the bullies. The other kids chuckled at him and he is considered weak in there eyes, the dirty looks and your dead after school comments to your son are just about to begin and yes sometimes they can escalate.
    Now is a detrimental time in your kids life as he is developing and you do not want him to develope into a shell.
    your son won't tell you what happened cause he is ashamed, don't forget he has to be ashamed in front of 600 kids now at school.
    This is only my opinion but I remember when I was a kid I went to many different schools and had to prove myself every where I went.
    My parents put me in Karate when I was in grade 5, a strict form of Karate (japaneese) style.
    This got me through a lot of bad situations in life.
    It taught me great disapline, gave me structure and kept me in shape.
    With this I had confadence and only had to prove myself once and nobody bothered me ever again.
    Japaneese karate teaches us how to counter attack (defend our selves) and teaches us not to attack and these rules are very strict but in a bad spot it can save you.
    when word at school gets around they will not bother him and hopefully he will never have to use it.
    But he has many years of school to get through and you may controll the situation now but what about next year and theres grade 10, this can all be stopped now.
    I have only needed to use it a couple times in my life and after one or two moves the situation ended with out hurting anyubody as I was taught to controll a situation, not to be aggressive.
    When someone attacks you there are moves to redirect there attack or take controll of them, or simply put them on the ground with out hurting them, and in most cases this is all that needs to be done.
    I don't think kids should be bullied and it bothers me.
    I hope this was usefull to you and good luck

     
    Old 07-31-2009, 07:06 AM   #7
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    Actually from experience w/ the bullying, one of the reasons why kids do not want to tell the parents the full story is because parent will react(which is normal), but it is embarrassing to the child, more embarrassing than the actual incident, because then you get it worse for the factor other kids see you hiding behind the parents.....Parents are in a tough spot when it comes to this kind of situations.

    Most schools will not allow for both parents to meet w/ the principle, for what ever reason is beyond me. Most parents can punish children w/ different actions and the child still will continue on bullying. My son had an issue w/ a bully and his parents were a state trooper and the mom was an child protective worker and no matter what they done this child still bullied other kids...So sometimes, it is really hard to solve the issue...

     
    Old 07-31-2009, 08:20 AM   #8
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    I think that Randy and Dole brought up some good points. It is very difficult to know how to handle a situation like this in the best way. It is our first instinct to protect our kids, and reacting certain ways could only make things worse for our child. I agree with Dole about our kids not wanting to tell us everything because they don't want to be embarassed further by our actions. I think this is a good time to get your child into a counselor to which he can feel comfortable talking freely with. But in doing so, you must highly express to him that there is nothing wrong with him, at all, but there are very cruel children out there, and this may help him deal with those types of ugly people. That part is very crucial, as is finding someone that your son is comfortable with. The counselor may want to incorporate family counseling as well, which may open the lines of communication between you and your son, so he feels comfortable talking with you about these things if they occur again. I also agree with Randy in the fact that maritial arts will give him confidence, and teach self control. Of course, this is just my opinion, but I feel for you and your son.

    Please let us know how this plays out.

     
    Old 08-01-2009, 06:07 AM   #9
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    Theres a lot more to the martial arts that I gained more then just self deffence. There are attributes in life I still have today at the age of 33.
    As I said it gave me structure.
    It taught me to reach for my goals.
    When I started in grade 5 I was the fattest kid in school. After a year or so I became well shaped and went on to running track at school breaking many records in grade 7 as no goal was to high for me.
    I ended up becomeing ranked number 2 for all of canada for my age group.
    When I say confidance I mean in every aspect in life, When I say strength I mean emotionaly not physicly.
    I lost my parents shortly into grade 7 but having build up all the strength, respect, structure and confidence that I needed to continue, from this is what got me through life. When I have a goal nothing can stop me. I was taught to push forward no matter what. Its amazing what type of life attributes you can gain from structure like this.
    There are alot of kids now in your sons age group tending these programs, and most (dojo's) martial arts programs will let you sit in a couple classes first to see if your son is interested they will even let him try a class or two.
    Maybe soccer or basket ball will best suite your son but I would give him the oppertunity to choose what he likes, so many parents make the choices for there kids and it affects there relationship later in life.
    My incentive being fat (ha ha) was that after every class I got macdonalds, this gave me a lot of incentive, next thing you know I was practicing at home in my own time.
    With this I was taught the importance of studies, I began watching martial arts movies and almost every movie teaches you how with important studies you can learn anythning next thing you know I was studing my school work 1hr a day after school.
    I was not much into soccer football through out my life this doesn't suite every child.
    I was almost kidnapped when I was young and martial arts saved my life.
    I took a form called J.K.A. (Japan Karate Assosiation) and they are all over the world in most communities and the form comes straight from Japan, this is a very strict form, that gives you all this. Just look for the letters J.K.A. on there sign.

    If you do go this route I would suggest just sitting in on the odd time and don't let your son know when you will be sitting in and watching him and less he invites you, this allows him to stretch his legs.
    Again the thought of these bullies doing this to your son furriates me.
    with this all being said I can say your son won't be embaressed to talk to you as he will be able to controll the situation on his own next time and be proud of his accomplishment as long as he is very clear that he is to only controll the situation not agrivate it or escalate it.

    I realy hope all works out in what ever way you handle the situation, and I think these postes are not only helpfull to you showing you all the options out there, but they help anyone who reads them.
    I am only sharing my opinion and it may not be the best route for you but it just shows you anouther option that is available to you and your son.
    my grandparents use to secretly follow me to school and watch me in the playground and thats why they choose this method for me I was much of a loner thus making ma a easy target, but that all changed.
    I found all this out many years later.

    Last edited by Randyrockpile; 08-01-2009 at 06:12 AM.

     
    Old 08-01-2009, 08:38 AM   #10
    dolejaly
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    Randy you are very correct in these methods of self control and self discipline, but only if the child realizes that it is just that, not becoming Bruce lee and beating up the world....LOL...I had a nephew that went into the Karate class's and competed in many state championships, but the problem was he walked around w/ a chip on his shoulder and provoked an invitation to push him to show what he could do...So as long as it is the correct Karate class that can emphasize self control which is better will it benefit the child....So maybe you can suggest which one is the best one for that.
    Unfortunately even w/ children now days that take care of the problem them self that they also get into trouble,"retaliation"...My son had that problem, he got so tired of the bullying that he just took care of it himself, and of course these kids don't bother him anymore, but it caused more problems in the end....Sometimes the way schools are run, its a good question of what is the best option, because all schools handle things differently.....I think that if a child does the right thing by telling an adult at school of problems that the child also should be protected by these adults and recognized as they are not trying to cause trouble but prevent it....In my sons school, the problem was after he stood to protect himself that he got into trouble, and so he done the other method that was requested of him and told if there was an issue w/ another child and the teacher said we don't like tattle tales...So it can be hard.....

    As a parent I would definitely talk w/ school officials and let them know of the concern and see how they handle such things and make sure that the school officials and the parents are on the same page....

     
    Old 08-02-2009, 07:55 AM   #11
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    Dole
    I do have to agree with you on your last poste thats for sure.
    Take won do is bad for that - putting chips on peoples shoulders cause its full of fancy moves.
    And yes you need lots of disaplin to be able to handle what comes with it. and this also comes with the parents helping the child understand all this.
    In my class they always talked about the repurcutions of using this on the street and you would automaticly be disbarred from the program if we ever used it the wrong way.
    I guess its' important for the parent to moniter all this and talk with the teacher (sencia) before enrollin to ensure it is strict there.
    When you are in martial arts your hands are leathal weapons, equel to that of using a weapon.
    But I think if the child knows he has this I mean we where always told that we must state to the attacker that we are trained and we will use it, in most cases this is enough but with bullies this may prevoke them.
    I think that with this the child should still be told that it is important to report these issues and hopefully he can prove himself in class (compitition) so perhaps he won't be ashamed to talk about it with his parent, but knowing he has this and only in a very bad situation that he is to use it not a playground brawl. He knows his parents have seen what he can do in his class so he doesn't have to be ashamed to tell them what happens in school.
    I can't express how important I think it is to follow through with reporting these incedents to the princeable and the parent but that the only facter is that if the bullies retaliate after this that he will be able to protect himself when no ones around.
    I don't have children yet,(hopefully soon) but these are only my opinions based on my life evrey child is different.
    And I do agree very much so that it's not for every child as there are the ones who think they are made of steel and will show off.

    Someone mentioned below that our children are ashamed to tell the parent as they don't want there parents to react for them.
    The book that was recommended in that quote would help the parents learn how to approach the situation.
    I'ts realy not only the child that has to learn how to deal with life situations buts its the parent as well.

    For me I never had parents to protect me and when kids would tell me they would be waitin for me after school I had no choice but to deal with it.
    So I had to prove myself, and when I did I had lots of friends and was left alone at least till I went to a new school.
    I backed out once and ran and everyone in school teased me for a long time, I had to walk with my head down and it shut me out.
    I was the type of kid that would take the bullying but when it came to the point that groups of kids would wait for me after school I learned to deal with it once rather then for life.

     
    Old 08-03-2009, 06:41 AM   #12
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    You are correct Randy on the parents monitoring the class's. Making sure that the child knows when to use it and not to. My brother, was terrible as my nephew was and initiated how tough he was.....So yes it is as important for the parent as well as the child.

    Sometimes the parent does have to step back for the child's sake, but w/ out the child knowing you can monitor through the school if there is any problems and discuss w/ school officials on how to control the situation. If this kind of behavior continues w/ the bullies I would let it be known that as a parent you will take it a step further and contact the local authorities and maybe that will make it stop...Again, if it bothers your son and he feels uncomfortable w/ coming to you, just let him know that you will respect him on how he would like for you to handle the situation and that you are there for him if he needs you. Yes, you are kind of going behind his back monitoring the situation, but this way he doesn't feel embarrassed that his parents are sort to speak fighting his battles and you as a parent are kept on top of things....

    But I do agree w/ Randy that the karate would be a good idea for your son to have self respect and feel like he has control over the situation. Yes, it takes time to reach a point of being able to handle a situation himself, but as we all know junior years are harder yet. As a parent if we didn't have concern or step in some fashion to me would be worse yet....I know my son didn't want me to step in, but yet he also felt good knowing that mom was right behind him all the way to....

     
    Old 08-04-2009, 07:41 AM   #13
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    Re: 4th grade bullying issue. How upset should I be? What should I do?

    I agree with dole very much so and think if you can fight his battles behind the sceens, and get your sons opinion on how he wants it handled.
    If you are behind the sceens you will know whats going on with out him telling you.
    I think if you handle a couple situations well then he will trust to open up a little more.

     
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