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  • I hit my 16 y.o son today

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    Old 05-01-2009, 11:52 AM   #1
    dinos
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    I hit my 16 y.o son today

    Hi

    I live with my partner and have a 9 yo daughter. My son is from my previous relationship and has been living with us since the age of 9. His relationship with my partner has been difficult at times.

    Today I received a call from his school about his behavior, I was enraged at what he did and I hit him. I slapped him several times on the cheek, when he became confrontational and stated that he did not care.

    He was excluded from school for taking a pen drive that was on a computer and deleting a fellow students work, that is why he was excluded.

    He has been excluded from school on a previous occasion for stealing.
    Things have been gradually getting unbearable. He constantly refuses to accept any authority and follow simple rules. He does not respect curfews and strolls in very late. He has walked out of home on two separate occasions without my consent and stayed at friends.

    He started smoking not so long ago and has been hanging around with other kids that I am unhappy with. His behavior is very aggressive and rude. He stays up very late and over the last year has been late to school on more than 60 occasions. I have had complaints from the school about his behavior, being disrespectful to teaches, disruptive attitude in class and argumentative attitude.

    In order to get him through his exams I have engaged a private tutor. He has attended all of the sessions with the tutor and has shown some dedication and improvement in his schoolwork but we seem to be taking one step forward and two steps back. At times he can be considerate and caring but most of the times he is on a very short fuse.

    I feel very guilty, very depressed and full of shame. I am really at the end of the road and don't know what to do.

    I have tried many approaches but nothing seems to work.

    He has no interests apart from face book and going to parties. I am not sure if he is involved with drugs or substances.

    When I ask him why he does things like that he blames it on me.

    HELP

     
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    Old 05-07-2009, 11:01 AM   #2
    trystme
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    I don't know what the answer is but it isn't violence. I'm glad that you know that you were wrong for hitting your son that way and I hope that you will not do it again.

    Is there a possibility that you guys could seek counseling from a therapist to try to get to the root of why he is doing these things?

     
    Old 05-08-2009, 05:59 AM   #3
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    On the one hand, it may be appropriate for you to apologize to him. On the other hand, he is old enough to know that he was also very wrong. He, too, should apologize to you and to the person from whom he stole the pen drive, etc.

    What is your partner's attitude to this? Since you have a younger daughter together, your son could be jealous of her and feeling excluded.

    It is not only him that needs counselling, but possibly the whole family.

    You are in your right to confront him, because you are his father and he is a minor, but you have to find a way of helping him realize that he, too, has responsibilities rather than only accusing him all the time. What is he asked to do in order to have his pocket money?

    Yes, get help from a professional and until you do, only talk to him (your son) after cooling off first.

    Last edited by pendulum; 05-08-2009 at 06:00 AM.

     
    Old 05-08-2009, 02:28 PM   #4
    misslady85
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    I agree with the last reply.You need to seek family counseling.Why is he allowed to attend parties after acting up?Are you okay with the fact that he is smoking?Did you pay for the computer that he is constantly using for ********?These are certain factors that should not be going on.If he cant come back home at a good time,why is he allowed back in the house?I would lock all of my doors,windows etc.I would possibly take his key back.It sounds as if he is crying for attention,so give it to him.Does he feel as if your partner is getting more attention than he is?These are factors that you should consider.Also try talking to him let him know that you love him,let him know that you care about him.He may feel unwanted.Just try talking to him.

     
    Old 06-01-2009, 12:54 PM   #5
    E1979
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    I just wanted to ask you not to lock your child out of the house. I am from Ontario, Canada. Home of Bernado/Holmoka, I am sure everyone is aware of what happened. I am not trying to put the previous poster down, but that is not a good idea at all!

     
    Old 06-02-2009, 10:26 PM   #6
    colleen Blais
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    Your son is at a difficult age and stage in his life. You are frustrated with his behavior that resulted in a angry and abusive response. Family counseling may help all of you.
    Search his room for drugs at least this may direct you in knowing what is contributing to his behavior. Olbserve his friends and continue to put parameters down for your son.
    Try to find an opportunity to spend some time with him and allow him to vent why he thinks everything is your fault. If there is a nugget of truth grab onto it and man up and apologize to him. Ask him what the both of you can do to start repairing your relationship. It is importand to listen, listen. listen. He needs to be validated in his feelings and hopefully in time he will validate your feelings. If drugs are involved, You may have to intervene and get him some assistance. Good luck

    Last edited by colleen Blais; 06-02-2009 at 10:27 PM.

     
    Old 06-02-2009, 11:52 PM   #7
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    Family counselling would be the way to go. This boy is not an island, your whole family dynamic is, by definition, part of the problem. I am not at all saying that it is dysfunctional or anything like that, but everything in a person's environment will contribute to his state of mind. He is also at the age where he is testing his boundaries and his hormones are probably not helping either. Your trick is to stay as calm and reasonable as possible, and listen to anything he has to say. There are some brilliant books around on parenting and dealing with teenagers. "How to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk" is good, and "PET for Teenagers" is another. At his age, he is probably as self-absorbed and self-centred as he will ever be, this is par for the course. Do not go on about attitude - they will just turn off. Address each behaviour as a single case. You can criticise and condemn the behaviour without putting him down. Don't stress out about 'the tone of voice' or 'the surly face', just ignore these. Nothing stops communication dead in its tracks like ignoring the message while criticising the delivery. Read up, and be candid to him about you being a "L-Plate" parent who will get it wrong now and again. Cheers, Sera.

    Last edited by Seraph; 06-02-2009 at 11:53 PM.

     
    Old 06-05-2009, 09:06 PM   #8
    marisuela
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    You know, I am certain you feel rotten about hitting your son or you wouldn't have come to this board.... and no, hitting is probably not the answer..... but don't beat yourself up too badly about it. Your son is 16, not 6. He knows he is pushing your buttons and he's pushing them like crazy right now.

    I suppose it's possible that he's just wanting more attention. If that's the case, try planning more father-son things with him. Don't try to be his friend, but do work on building a stronger relationship with him.

    It's also possible that your son is just being a typical pain in the arse, "I'm entitled to everything," spoiled teenage boy that this generation is so good at producing, and maybe he just needs you to crack down on him more. How is he able to go out with his friends whenever he wants? Where does he get money from? Whose computer does he use? Take it all away if you have to. He is 16 and is living under your roof. In my house, until you have your own job and pay your own way (food, clothes, housing, etc...), you live by the rules of whomever owns the house. My house, my rules, no exceptions! He'll learn to respect you and he will appreciate you if you crack down and give him rules and boundaries and consequences.

    My older brother and my little sister both went through similar things when they were teenagers. With my brother, my parents tried counseling, talking, understanding, being his friend, and respecting his rights to privacy.... all the things "experts" advise today. And my brother barely speaks to my Mom now, is on the verge of a messy divorce, and he is hardly functioning as a human being. With my sister, she hit her rough teenage years about four years after my brother, and my parents cracked down on her pretty hard with the house rules. There was a lot of yelling, and yeah, it got pretty physical at times, and she had absolutely no rights to privacy whatsoever.... diaries, computer, letters, etc.... if it was in my parents' house, it was fair game.... but my parents also worked hard on building a better relationship with her as her parents..... and my sister is happily married now with 2 kids and a great husband and she and my Mom are great friends now.

    Establish some house rules with your son and make sure he follows them. If he doesn't, make sure there are consequences. I know it's hard now, but there is hope.....

    Last edited by marisuela; 06-05-2009 at 09:11 PM.

     
    Old 06-05-2009, 10:09 PM   #9
    broke as a joke
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dinos View Post
    Hi

    I live with my partner and have a 9 yo daughter. My son is from my previous relationship and has been living with us since the age of 9. His relationship with my partner has been difficult at times.

    Today I received a call from his school about his behavior, I was enraged at what he did and I hit him. I slapped him several times on the cheek, when he became confrontational and stated that he did not care.

    He was excluded from school for taking a pen drive that was on a computer and deleting a fellow students work, that is why he was excluded.

    He has been excluded from school on a previous occasion for stealing.
    Things have been gradually getting unbearable. He constantly refuses to accept any authority and follow simple rules. He does not respect curfews and strolls in very late. He has walked out of home on two separate occasions without my consent and stayed at friends.

    He started smoking not so long ago and has been hanging around with other kids that I am unhappy with. His behavior is very aggressive and rude. He stays up very late and over the last year has been late to school on more than 60 occasions. I have had complaints from the school about his behavior, being disrespectful to teaches, disruptive attitude in class and argumentative attitude.

    In order to get him through his exams I have engaged a private tutor. He has attended all of the sessions with the tutor and has shown some dedication and improvement in his schoolwork but we seem to be taking one step forward and two steps back. At times he can be considerate and caring but most of the times he is on a very short fuse.

    I feel very guilty, very depressed and full of shame. I am really at the end of the road and don't know what to do.

    I have tried many approaches but nothing seems to work.

    He has no interests apart from face book and going to parties. I am not sure if he is involved with drugs or substances.

    When I ask him why he does things like that he blames it on me.

    HELP
    i feel your situation,,, i have a 14 year old son and the biggest thing is to find something he likes or would like to be involved in and do something with him,, yes i know its something thats going to involve some time, but i'd rather give good advice than none at all.

    they always rebel about that age. but as far as hiting him,,, i not going to say you was wrong as me and a friend was talking about ADHD and his stepson tonight. i said you know back in our day they had something for that that didnt involve meds.. it was called a leather belt. or a razor strap... it may be tough but you respected it for sure... and you definately wasnt actin like a fool.

    he said i know your right..lol

     
    Old 06-09-2009, 07:25 PM   #10
    fufu
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    Hitting never solves anything, you are only showing your child that it's okay to hit.
    I believe that there is a solution to every problem, he is going to school late so drive him and make sure he gets there on time, he is constantly on ********, take away the computer, he comes home after his curfew, pick him up. You should know if he's taking drugs, do what you have to do to find out, whatever it is follow him if you have to, drugs will definately destroy his life. This is a very delicate age, and i am not speaking out just like that, i have a son that is the same age, i am glad to say that he is amazing and God bless! i have never ever had a problem, though i must say i have devoted my life not to raising kids but to raising good kids. The fact that you're asking for advice is the first step towards building a better relationship with your son. Your son right now needs to know you care, so just show him that you do, include yourself in his life, there are so many things you don't know about your child why is that? Please make the time it is of the utmost importance at this age that they have someone who cares and you obviously do so just show him. You mentioned being ashamed, never ever be ashamed of your child always be proud even if it's the smallest of accomplishments. He is taking the tutoring seriously because you said he did improve. As for one of the previous posters that said to lock him out of the house, what kind of parent would do that to their child?
    what would that accomplish? You said he blames you, so he's obviously acting out for a reason, your son needs you. It is important that you have one on one time with your child not just now because of the situation but on a daily basis. Try to remember that
    the fact remains that the same sex parent is a child's biggest role model, so take time and look within yourself to see what happenned to this child that was once young and innocent. Guilt won't get you anywhere but actions will. I hope you get to a good place with your child.

    Last edited by fufu; 06-09-2009 at 07:29 PM.

     
    Old 06-15-2009, 09:33 AM   #11
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    That is all abuse. Please get yourself some help. You can call a local Jewish family services, they offer free therapy and help. Please.

     
    Old 07-09-2009, 04:05 PM   #12
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    Re: I hit my 16 y.o son today

    hi dinos...
    i imagine you probably feel the way my parents did when i was your son's age...
    at your wit's end.
    i hated my parents, school, work, everything.
    all i cared about was my boyfriend.
    i defied almost everything my parents told me.
    i snuck out, lied, stole, cheated, used drugs, got in fights...
    i was a mess.
    i was suspended at school for being busted with drugs & asked to go to a 2-week detox/recovery center.
    i declined.
    not long after, i was woken up at 1am by two strangers in my room & my parents informing me that i was being sent to upstate new york to a specialty boarding school.
    i hated the place & my parents for sending me there - at first.
    i spent 22 months there & it CHANGED MY LIFE.
    i got the drug therapy & the counseling i needed.
    i was able to graduate high school a year ahead of time.
    granted, it was not exactly the most pleasant place for me to be...
    but now that i can look back, i am SO thankful that my parents sent me there.
    it seriously saved my life.
    i'm 21 now & still very greatful & indebted to my family.
    the school i went to was called midwest academy in keokuk, iowa.
    it is not cheap... but my parents (& every other parent who sent their child there) swears that it is worth every penny.
    maybe just look into it...
    they might have resources available for you & even just someone to talk to about your situation.
    it all started when i was about 12...
    i was unhappy, miserable actually.
    nothing made me happy & i hated myself.
    there were times that i felt i wanted to die & i wasn't even 16 yet!
    adolescence is definitely hard, especially with certain situations.
    my parents divorced when i was very young.
    i hated my step dad for "replacing" my father.
    i hated my mom for taking me away from him.
    i hated my step siblings...
    it was rough.
    but things got better.
    my parents got to their breaking point & did the most extreme "wake up call" for me that they could think of.
    IT SAVED MY LIFE.
    i wish i could talk to your son...
    i'm going to school for at risk youth counseling & social work.
    have faith.
    i really advise that you look into that school...

     
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