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    Old 05-25-2009, 12:12 PM   #1
    brookiebear21
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    Red face Parenting teenager over relationship issues

    When my daughter was little I never realized or envisioned how difficult it would be to parent her through the teen years. She is now 16 yrs old just finished her second relationship. She had a public school crush on a boy and they dated off and on throughout public/high school, it always resulted in him lying to her, he always had more than one girlfriend at a time, etc. I guess I never counted this one as a relationship as the most they ever did was hold hands and I never allowed them to date, they only had the title. He always disappointed her and she hasn't dated anyone for almost two years.

    Her relationship with her real dad is horrible. He continually lets her down, does not take an interest in her life. For example her sister could have hockey tryouts and he would call immediately to see how she did, or insist that he be there personally to watch. And she could be attending a provinical track and field event and he would not go or even call to see how she did. My 16 year old equates that with the fact he hates her, she isn't good enough and a feeling of failure.

    Her and her step dad have always had a great relationship until the past year. For whatever reason he has been a real jerk with her, calling her the queen of the house, etc. I believe he is jealous over the relationship that I have built with her. I don't know what else it could be, as my daughter does not drink, has never skipped a class at school, is in all honors classes, aspiring artist, etc. Just a great child.

    Now most recently she got involved in a relationship with a boy she has secretly admired for two years. I had my doubts at the start of the relationship as he would text on and off. Make plans with her and then break them last minute, always with an excuse and make new plans. Things seemed to settle down and they started hanging out a little bit. They would text each other from the time they woke up in the morning until the time they fell asleep. They began "seeing each other" as he clamied he wanted to officially "ask her out" but wanted it to be special?

    Then it started, the rumor that he didn't really like her as much as she liked him, she didn't believe any of it as she asked him about it and he denied it. After that point he seemed to get more distant, not texting again regularily as he used to, breaking dates again, until one night she was at a party (he wasn't there) and she got the text from him that I had my suspicion was coming. He told her over text that he didn't like her as much as he used to, didn't know why, couldn't explain it, but still liked her, just not as much. Didn't want to lead her on, etc, etc, etc. He claimed to be crying, emotional, hated doing that but again didn't want to lead her on.

    That was a week ago and I never imagined how hard this would be. Not sure why I am taking it so hard but I am!!! My daughter asks me what is wrong with her to make every guy hate her once they get to know her. Literally breaks my heart!!!!

    My daughter confided her relationship with this boy to me, spent hours talking about it and everytime I questioned what was going on (with the breaking of plans etc) she always told me that he is different, he is a really nice guy, has only had one other girlfriend which was a year ago and would never do anything to hurt her. I knew the signs and I should have helped her before she was destroyed.

    Now she is destroyed, questioning every relationship she has and the worthiness of herself. I come to work during the day and just cry cause my heart breaks for her and I cannot do anything to make it better or easier.

    She analyzes every thing about their relationship, from why he doesn't like her, is there someone else, and from my point of view it seems that perhaps he always doubted the relationship and no matter how many times I try to get her to let go of him and he will realize that he is losing out on her, she insists that he is different maybe it is a misunderstanding?

    So my question is this.....has anyone ever been so upset about their daughter being dumped? Is this completely unusual?
    Help!!!

     
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    Old 05-29-2009, 11:23 AM   #2
    ibake&pray
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    Re: Parenting teenager over relationship issues

    I'm sorry for your daughter. Getting dumped is never easy. Especially when you thought this one was different. I'm sorry for you also. It really hurts as a mother when we see our children suffer and we CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! I think this is worse than almost anything. It is so hard as an adult to stand by and see them suffer emotionally and know that there isn't a bandaid or an aspirin that you can give them to take that pain away. Telling them that it will get better seems to be so shallow and lame. It makes you want to go out and knodck the kid into next wek for doiing that to your little girl, doesn't it? It's a common feeling and hard to deal with. You have to be the mature adult who has the answers to life here, the mom who has been through this and can answer those questions for her, not the person who wants to sit and cry with and for her.

    First, you need to tell Step Dad to grow up and quit acting like a brat! He has beciome jealous of her growing up and having boyfriends. Well, he needs to present an adult male roll model, not an overbearing sarcastic person who is jealous of the boys who come around. That isn't what she needs to see from him. She needs a stable strong adult-and that needs to be him. Grow up. This is a rough time for her and she needs shoulders to cry on....

    I would encourage group hang outs rather than boy girl. Give her a year or so to get all those hormones under control. 16 is young for serious relationships..as she just found out. Take time to enjoy being you and hanging with bunches of friends so you don't have the pressure of one on one right now....

    Good luck Mom....it will get easier for all of you...it just takes time and patience and patience and a BIG bottle of tylenol.....

     
    Old 06-10-2009, 03:29 PM   #3
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    Re: Parenting teenager over relationship issues

    As i do have teenagers myself, yeah! there is something wrong, you are crying over your daughter's break ups, why? what did you think that they would end up together forever?
    why has your daughter been in so many relationships and from such a young age. Your
    daughter is only sixteen why already so many boyfriends? why does she feel that she needs to be in a relationship? these are the fun years she should be hanging out with her freinds, boys and girls and having fun, not sitting around crying over all the boys who dumped her. And yes, the more boys she dates the more she'll get dumped. I do have a daughter she is forteen i will NEVER encourage her to start dating, not for a while
    first of all i think she is way too young, second of all i think my daughter is still discovering herself so why not enjoy that? and then she can discover someone else.
    Serious relationships at this age only cause heartache.So, please stop crying for your daughter and start teaching her how she can appreciate herlself alone, without having to be with a boyfriend, as it really is not som important right now.

     
    Old 07-01-2009, 04:59 AM   #4
    brookiebear21
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    Re: Parenting teenager over relationship issues

    First off this is to FUFU:
    If you would read my original post you will see that my main pain came from the fact she has been let down by the men in her life, consistently since she was a small child. Her biological father and her step dad. The reason this was so difficult was because she took this breakup as a sign of another male letting her down. That is where my pain came from.

    Secondly, again in my post you will see she has only had two boyfriends. The first one does not constitute as a boyfriend as it was in public school and it was a kid crush. I DO NOT allow my kids to date. My strict rule has always been no dating until they are 16, not even going to a boys house in a group. She has never been one to have a lot of boyfriends, and by boyfriends, and if I were to compare her to her friends there is a HUGE difference!! I do advocate all of the things that you say. I was not looking for the type of parenting advice that completely put me down as a parent. Of course I understand the value of her being her own person, exploring herself, maturing without the need of a guy around to make her feel worthy. And she NEVER has felt that way.

    Also, there is a HUGE difference between 14 and 16. My child never dated at the age of 14, and never started dating anyone before 16. So I am a little offended by your comments questioning why she has had "so many boyfriends"??? If I were to actually be honest this is her first one!!! The first boy she called "boyfriend" was in grade 6, they never saw each other out of school, they never even held hands, she just liked him!! But I didn't realize I had to clarify or justify that.

    Again, I was more asking for help on how to get her to trust the men in her life and try to understand some of this from her step father's point of view. I didn't realize I would get a response from someone who so obviously has taken the high moral ground and felt it necessary to put me down.

     
    Old 07-01-2009, 06:05 AM   #5
    dolejaly
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    Re: Parenting teenager over relationship issues

    Teenagers are hard enough, but girls are like the "wow children"..LOL...I had 3 boys, and then had a girl and the difference was unreal...LOL...but I enjoy it none the less....

    Today is hard enough for teens even pre-teens because the try so hard to fit in and to feel equal. Girls start saying they have a b/f so much as early as 2ND grade now days, back in my time boys still had "cooties" when I was 13 and 14..LOL....

    Your daughter is probably going to get her heart broke many times and being a mom, just letting her know that it isn't her fault and being there for her will help. I know you want her to know there is nice guys out there, but I would still tell her some of the mind games in advance that boys play w/ girls. That way she is prepared. There is a big difference in teens saying they have a b/f VS the dating. Every home has a different rule and that does not make it wrong. All teens go through the " I don't feel special or loved thoughts" and with her dad treating her this way, she will try to get that feeling elsewhere and when it fails she will feel it is her fault, just reassure her that it is not, back to the mind games of boys....Not that boys are bad, but just prepare her. I would explain to her dad and step dad some of the emotions and problems she is having and ask them to help her feel better and see if that works...Good Luck and I wish you the best, remember there is no such thing as a perfect parent, but there is such thing as love from a parent...

     
    Old 07-02-2009, 03:33 AM   #6
    brookiebear21
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    Re: Parenting teenager over relationship issues

    Thank you so much for your post!! I could not agree more!! There is a HUGE difference from kids saying they have a b/f or g/f and actually dating. Allowing them to venture to the movies together or just hang out together in my mind is dating, and trust me this never occured before she turned 16. And it isn't like the day she turned 16 we allowed her to run out to the arms of a boy!!! It was months after she turned 16. And that really isn't the point, you are also right in saying that different households have different rules. I have always been strict with my boundaries with my children, I don't sway from them or send mixed messages. Makeup was not worn until she was 16 either, as I wanted her to believe she was beautiful without all the eyeliner making kids nowadays appear to be 10 yrs older than they really are.

    I also think that these rules are also dependent on the child. I allowed my 16 yr old to start dating because I believed she was mature and well balanced in her relationship with herself and her peers. She has never needed to have a boyfriend to feel complete or happy, she was never like that. Now my 14 year old is a different story and she may not be permitted to date well into her 20's. Different personalities. She will not be allowed to date until I believe she is mature enough and comfortable enough with herself to be able to handle that.

    I have three girls and one boy. The boy is by far the easiest!!!! However, having said that I have an amazing relationship with my 16 year old. She talks to me about everything she is feeling, which is a great thing because I never had that type of relationship with my parents. I just was not prepared for how sad I was for her feelings of rejection by not just this boy but her fathers. I have since realized that this is life, she will grow and learn by these types of relationships. She will fall down a few times before she figures it all out, I just wasn't ready for how hard it would be to see her fall.

    Thanks again for the positive encouraging post!

     
    Old 07-02-2009, 04:45 AM   #7
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    Re: Parenting teenager over relationship issues

    Your welcome....My daughter is still young yet, but I did raise another young girl from the age 12 until she got out on her own...Wow, was that interesting, I was only 23 when I got her. I remember good many times I would sit w/ her while she cried and felt her heart was broken, I use to try and make jokes to get her to smile w/ suggestions like, well we have 2 choices here...We can go get the boy, bury him in the back yard, LOL...or we can show him that you are a strong young woman and that you push forward for much better in life. She always smiles and said "back yard"...LOL...But, in time she watched more carefully about not being blinded by the puppy love...

    I agree w/ you w/ rules and sometimes rules depend on how mature the person is. I believe that you being there for her and she knows she can be herself with you is something that is very special between you two and she will always feel secure w/in her mom. Us as parents might now always be able to take away the pain, but we can always make them feel love.....

     
    Old 07-07-2009, 03:52 AM   #8
    brookiebear21
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    Re: Parenting teenager over relationship issues

    Exactly!! I love your statement about not being able to take away the pain but always make them feel love. That is so true and completely sums up what I have been thinking.

    I guess I was just very surprised by how hard this time was. I do not ever remember my mother ever feeling pain when I got dumped, and as a parent I never realized how hard this part of my child's life would actually be. Of course she will get dumped and she will probably dump a few herself, but this is all new territory as she has never really dated or been interested in a relationship with anyone until she was ready.

    Now this "boy" has re-entered her life, started again by texting and now they have done a couple of things together and it scares me. I know she has to figure out things on her own but I just think she is being naive about it. I have talked to her about my reservations and she gets very defensive. I have since decided to take a backseat. It is very difficult for people to live in the moment and I guess that is what she is doing, happy with what is going on right now in her life without worrying about 1 mnth from now. I don't want to take that ability away from her. So I am backing off, letting her explore and help her through the ups and downs.

    I really hate the advice from people that judge other parents parenting skills. I have been incredibly strict with my girls and have never relented on any of the rules that I have set in place. I think that rules in a family are based more on the children they have and the foundation they have built. I would never judge anyone's parenting rules and I feel it is very unfair when people judge mine. She is almost 17 years old, at some point she has to prepare herself for these relationship issues. Sheltering her from any relationship would actually be incredibly unfair to her.

     
    Old 07-07-2009, 06:36 AM   #9
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    Re: Parenting teenager over relationship issues

    I have always tried not to judge anyone's parenting or home life....The end results are what matters, no matter how it was done(well to an certain extent)....

    Even in homes where as the parents are very strict and have very high expectations of their children and push for them to excel and don't let them get side tracked off from what is important, that sometimes no matter how how the parent tries sometimes it is just the way the child is and it has no bases on the parenting skills in the home. I have seen very well respected homes that the child just ends up down the wrong path on their own. So, I try to never judge parenting skills.....

    I remember even w/ my oldest boy w/ his first real g/f, which mind you is his wife now....They have been together for almost 6 yrs now and in that time they did split once and my son was devastated and all I could do is let him know I was there for him if needed. I never stepped in between them two, even though I didn't agree w/ how things were going and what was being done, I just let him know that mom is here for him and that I will respect his choice. They also had 2 children which is a lot different than the issue you mentioned and i ended up inheriting my son and 2 grand children for a few months and WOW was that one hard....But, I would see him just torn apart and I know deep inside I couldn't fix it or make him feel better, so all I did is let him talk and watched my words carefully so I didn't hurt him as well....I never said anything bad about my daughter in law as well so he would feel that mom had respect for both of them....but, none the less the hard lessons our children have to learn in life is still painful when you see tears in their eyes....

    As I said before, just loving your daughter and being there most likely means a lot to her. The hard part of parenting is watching our kids live and learn....If we remember we didn't always listen to the advice from our parents and we had to learn things on our own. My mom was always great for the words of wisdom of " I TOLD YOU SO"...LOL.....She still does it to this day....LOL.....

    Maybe telling your daughter some of your own experiences as growing up might help as well....

     
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