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  • Deadbeat Dad returns

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    Old 06-19-2009, 11:14 PM   #1
    writeleft
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    Deadbeat Dad returns

    I am having a dilemma. I need to know, how best to handle an already bad situation. I have a beautiful, gifted son who is 15 years old. I have raised him by myself. Although his father has been close by for the first 10 years, he never became a responsible father, never complied with any court orders, chose not to work, and lived with his mother.

    About 5 years ago, he met a woman on-line, and proceeded to move 3,000 miles away. She made him go to work, and for the first time in 15 years, child support was coming in. I put every cent of it into my son's savings/college account. Life became much easier for a short time.

    Like everything in has past, that didn't last. Four or five month's ago he moved back to his mother's house (which is 1 mile away). He has an outstanding balance of unpaid child support of approx. $43,000.00. His license has been suspended, but he continues to drive. I told him that our son could not get into a car with an un-licensed, un-insured driver, period.

    He lured our son over to his house on his bicycle, took him on a 30 hour "family trip to Disneyland" which ended up with my son stranded in a hotel 120 miles away, never to even see Disneyland. I was furious. They ended up borrowing his brothers car to get home. My son reported that his dad drove 115 mph home. I was there to meet them, and pick up my son's bike. Of course, the bicycle had been stolen by a cousin while they were gone. That is another $250.00 loss.

    My son was completely disappointed, and wrote his dad off...again. He will not recognize him on Father's day. I feel the same way, and I gave him written notice that I will be proceeding to family court, to revise visitation and custody orders, and have child support enforcement involved.

    I also gave him written notice that I will take him and his nephew to small claims court for the stolen bicycle.

    I have asked him repeatedly to think this over, and respond to me. My first choice would certainly be for him to be involved in his son's life, and I have bent over backwards to make this happen. I'd rather not go to court, but I certainly will.

    I have some serious medical issues that add to my concerns. I must protect my son from ending up with his dad, should something happen to me. Any advice would be appreciated...

     
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    Old 06-20-2009, 05:12 AM   #2
    AThena53
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    Re: Deadbeat Dad returns

    I've been in your shoes- in my case, Deadbeat Dad (DD) and I were divorced when DS was 12, although I'd been the sole support of the family for 6 years before that. DS visited his Dad in the welfare hotel where he was staying, but after DD blew through the $100K he'd gotten for his share of the equity in the marital home, he was begging DS to bring him bread and peantut butter and cash (which I gave DS for mowing the lawn). So, like your son, DS did not have any fantasies of what his Dad was really like. At that point I felt he could make his own decisions about whether he wanted to see him, and he decided not to. How does your DS feel? Under what conditions IS he willing to see him, if at all? Maybe an occasional breakfast Saturday at McD's, where you can pick him up and bring him home? Trust his instincts.

    As for what happens after you're gone, get a will. My brother and his wife agreed to take DS if I were gone and my lawyer write a will stating who would get DS and stating very strongly why the Ex was not to get him. (My lawyer had handled my divorce and was not fond of the Ex.) Fortunately, that never had to happen. DS is now 24, a college graduate, working in a job he loves, and amazingly well-adjusted. I give a lot of credit to my DH, who's been a spectacular stepfather. I hope your son comes through as well. It can happen.

     
    Old 06-20-2009, 10:30 AM   #3
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    Re: Deadbeat Dad returns

    Thank you AThena, for your response. I am sorry to hear of your similar situation, it really is sad to hear of these grown "men" who just opt out of fatherhood, and leave their children to watch them do it. My dad used to always say "You can bury your head in the sand, but your *ss is still showing".

    Of course, DD blames me for "doing this to him", and would rather spite me, than work out some kind of plan that we all can live with. He refuses to grow up, although he is in his late forties. He would love to see his son, but wants things on his terms. That doesn't work for me, or my son.

    About a will...I have a little problem. I do not have any immediate family, except my parents, who are in their 80's. I will seek some advice about it, because it needs to be done, no matter what.

    Again thank you for your kind words, it has given me more to think about.

     
    Old 06-20-2009, 11:06 AM   #4
    AThena53
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    Re: Deadbeat Dad returns

    I loved your Dad's saying! I'll have to remember that. As for a guardian for your son- you may have to cast your net wider. Janet Reno, the former attorney general, never married but had a child (or two?) for whom she was named guardian after they were orphaned. Not that I'm suggesting Janet Reno, but you really don't want to leave it up to the courts.

     
    Old 06-20-2009, 04:05 PM   #5
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    Re: Deadbeat Dad returns

    Go Janet Reno! Good point...

    Apparantly DD got the written notice of my intentions, because he called this morning. I held my ground, all the while he tossed out some weak "promises", which he followed with "I never make promises". What a load of crap.

    Who can live without any promises? I make promises to myself everyday! I have promises with my family, friends, even to my pets, and my home. What a copout.

    Thanks for listening...

     
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