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  • 13 year old son--compulsive liar

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    Old 04-23-2003, 12:50 PM   #1
    mandy
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    Unhappy 13 year old son--compulsive liar

    Does anyone have any ideas how you fix the problem of a compulsive 13 year old lying boy? Grounding, preaching, lecturing work for a short while but then he goes right back at it. He also pulled a horrible stunt a few weeks back stealing money from his sister. This is scaring my husband and I to death. His older sister is a straight A student but he challenges us left and right. How do two totally different kids come from the same parents?

    Anyhow, I would appreciate any ideas anyone might have.

    Signed,
    Hair Getting Greyer by the Minute!

     
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    Old 04-23-2003, 02:37 PM   #2
    Misty800
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    At age 13, your son is testing his boundaries. He thinks he is grown but still a kid. Many times peer pressure will be part of the problem. Do you know what kind of friends he hangs out with. If they steal and lie all the time so will he.

    Many times children have no boundaries from day one and are let do whatever they want to do, then, when they are older they do not have the concept of right or wrong.

    Try talking to him in a loving way, set boundaries, enforce rules, etc. These should have been done all his life.

    If you talk to him in an angry tone you will only get anger back. Try to talk to him as you would another adult and see if you can reach him. Be sure and show that you love him. He may be pressing buttons out of frustration these days.

    If your hair turns grey, there is always the bottle stuff to darken it again but, your son does not get a second chance to live his live from day one. Persistance in raising children is the name of the game, never, lose sight of what you are hoping to achive with your parenting skills. If you lack parenting skills, seek them.


     
    Old 04-23-2003, 09:38 PM   #3
    mlgable
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    You might also consider some joint counseling sessions with a therapist. Having someone help you through all of this may be just what is needed. If you do decide to try some family counseling let him know that you know he is having a hard time dealing with things right now but since they are out of hand you have decided that counseling might be the best way to help get things headed in the right direction. If he knows that counseling is the next step he might decide that he really does need to quit his habitual lying and if not seek out a competent therapist based on your docs recommendation and get started.

     
    Old 04-24-2003, 07:15 AM   #4
    mandy
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    Thanks for the suggestion about counseling. We actually have been considering do that.

    Actually, in response to Marie55, we have always tried to deal with him first by explaining (you know like heart to heart talks) how his actions might hurt somebody, even himself, but this too (I call preaching) just doesn't have a lasting affect, then we go to grounding which works for a bit too but doesn't last. The friends he has are good kids but we have noticed that he doesn't have many close friends yet. Too us, he seems socially immature and that may be why he doesn't have many friends??? Anyhow, all along we have been careful with him to point out right from wrong making sure he understands he made a bad choice but is not a bad person and how he could of made a better choise and we have had many heart to heart chats. Actually, as I stated, he is our "challenge child" and I feel we have bent over backwards and back again with patience, love, understanding; trying to have the right mix of discipline too and he seems like he responds and wants to make better choices but it doesn't last. Lately, however, I admit my patience is getting slim. But how much can you be lied to before you feel left with nothing but to show him how it can hurt the people he lies to and they do get angry. I know the anger comes from the fear of what type of person is he becoming?

    But getting back to my question, do you feel there is no real "tactics" other than patience and reinforcing right from wrong. Maybe we are doing something wrong and a counselor is the only option??? Because my FEAR is do I need to worry that he may be developing bad habits that will last a life time if we don't find someway to break him of his lying or is this a stage (a long one) and I'm just overrecting and need to get a second wind and regroup? How long can it go on before it sticks? He seems to lie so easily like without a conscience. It scares us as to what type of person is he becoming?

    I love him so much but it hurts to see him make bad choices over and over and then I have to get on his back and even though I make a big deal out of good choices there always seems to be more bad choices than good.

    Thanks again.

     
    Old 04-24-2003, 12:08 PM   #5
    *SoccerMom*
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    Hi Mandy~
    I don't really have any earth-shattering advice to share with you but I did want to reply none the less.
    My son is 12 and is right smack in the middle of puberty already...voice change, facial and bodily hair coming in, body toning and major hormones. He was withdrawn for a long time and his grades had dropped. He wouldn't talk to me or his dad like he used to. He became very irresponsible and I often felt he wasn't being totally honest with me. I struggled with how to punish him and what I should take from him. I had some EXCELLENT advice from this board (thanks, guys!) and just waited it out....kicked the stuff in his room and closed the doors, continued to monitor grades and tried not to nag TOO much. He has come around tremendously! He is so much fun and he is back to his old self.

    I don't know how much to "excuse" to hormones or to becoming a teen. I know that you still have to enforce those limits.....I think that this is the age that they are constantly going to test you to see just how far they can push good ol' mom and dad! Marie55 was right on with that! I do think that there is a huge difference in having a bad attitude or being disorganized and stealing. I believe that when children steal it is usually because of peer pressure or attention seeking....or worse. Drugs or drinking can become a factor even in early teen years.

    I also would like to say that I understand when you called him your "challenge child". I really can relate to that since I am a mother of 3.....all of whom are extremely different personalities. Just please be careful not to compare him to your "easy child" daughter. I think that sometimes that may cause some of the rebellion in younger siblings. He may sense things and be trying to get attention....not a slam against you or your husband, just a fact that often occurs in families.

    Best of Luck to you all!

     
    Old 04-25-2003, 08:09 AM   #6
    mandy
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    Thanks to all. I really appreciate the advice!!! It really has given me a good perspective. Thanks too soccermom, because I don't know why but I always assumed and "knew" I would need to be more patient with my daughter and her teen hormones but really never thought about how my son's body is changing too and he must be experiencing "stuff". In my head I can relate to the stuff my daughter is going through (because I've been there) but I think it's harder for me as a woman and never having any brothers to understand what he is going through and how his mind works and we women all know men think differently than women--no offense guys.

    Thanks again.

     
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