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Zegna 02-04-2003 03:22 PM


I have heard of people like you also.

If you have read my last post you would have read quite clearly I said I do not even claim to be perfect. I don't even claim to have all the answers but I am a sure sight closer than anyone else to offer their opinion on this thread. All other posters all suggest getting tough in one way or an other but offer no practical advice on how to follow through with it. Nevermind the fact that it will never work because this girl (again...) doesn't "give a sh*t" and (almost understandably) has no respect for her parents.

As for this topic being "monopolized with rantings and ravings about how perfect you are". Well didn't I just say I don't claim to be perfect (and never have on this borad) at all and as for my parents I cleared that up in my last post.

The suggestion that the threat has been monopolized by anything of the sort is plain ridiculous. In fact less than 10% of my own paragraphs even mention anything regarding me personally or my private life. It is instead yourself and CindA that have decided to start concentrating on me.

**** **** **** _ _ _

-First post, 12 paragraphs, 2 containing refererence to my own parents and their desirable qualities, no mention of me.

-Second post, 10 paragraphs, 1 mentioning my parents in direct response to what was said my another, no mention of me.

-Third post, 3 paragraphs, none containing anything regarding me.

-Fourth post, 9 paragraphs 1 mentioning me in direct response to anothers query.

-Fifth and six posts, completely off the original subject, direct response to the bitterness of others.

Nayrb 02-04-2003 06:05 PM

I need a name: THankyou for pointing out the oppositional defiance disorder.(odd) I have done a search on this and I see a very familiar resembalance. I am going to look into this further.
Thanks to all of you's who have taken the time to read and reply. I feel a bit of frustration was starting between a couple posters but I know it was just the tension created by the race to find the cure .

i need a name 02-04-2003 06:41 PM

Glad to offer some help... But remember,if it does turn out that you and your family are dealing with this disorder, It could be an explination. Not an exucuse. DD often tries to say " But I can't help it Mom." True sometimes she can't but MOST of the time she can.

charby15 02-05-2003 02:08 PM

This is not directed to I need a name so please don't take offence to this. Your daughter might very well have ODD, but seriously look at this situation. I see nothing but a spoiled rotten teenage girl that has been allowed to rule the house!! I do understand that some people do suffer from different disorders, but now adays people are so quick to put the blame on a disorder rather then themselves and that is sad!! People don't want to admite that they might have f*cked up somewhere down the line. But fact is knowone is perfect. Every parent is going to make mistakes but it is the ones that will admit to the mistakes and do soemthing to fix it!!! PLEASE RE-READ my previous post I really feel that i gave some good advice. If you give it a good try i bet a million bucks she will be just fine. You let her disrespect you and you haven't taught her the proper respect she should give to all people! Not just you!! Please don't give up on your daughter and blame it on a disorder! Giver her a chance. Be a good parent and you might get a good child in retern!

i need a name 02-05-2003 05:26 PM

I take no offense at all... In fact I agree with you. It took a long time and a lot of councling before DD was diagnosed. We were afraid that DD would be labeled, so we had her evaluated by several doctors not telling any one what the others had told us. They all came to the same diaganosis. I think all kids have some of the traits they use to diagnose ODD. However, the kids with the disorder have those traits exaderated.

Nayrb 02-05-2003 05:34 PM

I just wanted to give a update. This morning my wife opened my daughters back pack(some of you's will concider this an invasion of privacy also) and found her birth control pills. Just what we expected! WE never told her about the find. WHY !! Some of you will ask! Because, if she;s gonna ****** her boyfriend then its better to be safe then sorry. I just don't see how she thinks she can be intimate with someone that she don't even know the middle name of. I guess some people are made to learn only by their mistakes. I removed the spyware from her computer tonight( some of you's will be happy) We don't want to know anymore. If you are not or have never been a parent of a teenage boy or girl, then please do not reply to this post. I'm sure your replys sounds good to you when you read it back to yourself, but if you have never experiences teenagers the your only surmising. Apply your theories first then repost with your results. I'm interested on how you will make out. Oh ya forgot to add that a doctors appointment was made for my wife and I to discuss with our doctor her behaviour. This is set for Monday.

[This message has been edited by Nayrb (edited 02-05-2003).]

msrivers 02-05-2003 05:50 PM

Nayrb, I feel for you. I truly do. I was 22 when I gained custody of my then 12 year old sister. Things went great for a year or so, she followed the rules, was respectful, everything any parent could have hoped for. Then something happened. She hit puberty, BIG TIME!! Oh my goodness, we tried EVERYTHING. We did the spying, the reading of her 'personal' stuff, we drove her to and from school, we tried grounding, we tried talking, we tried counselors. We laid down the law and we laid it down HARD. Know what she did? She ran away. Then she came back home, then she ran away again, then she came home, then she ran away again. This time when she came home we called the police. They had a big talk with her. She made all sorts of promises to us, then she ran away again. The police were called, she was arrested as a runaway, and she got to spend some time in detention. We were awful stupid ignorant morons in her eyes. She was a belligerent, hardheaded,ignorant teen in our eyes. I remember scouring the streets at night trying to find her. It was an awful trying time in my relationship with her. But teens will do what they want to do. Eventually they will find a way to do it. I do say lay down the law, discipline her, pay NO ATTENTION to how she feels about you or what she says about you. For her sake you need to play hardball.
Today my sister thanks me for being there for her, and she has apologized profusely for what she put us through. She knew that no matter what she did or how much she hurt me I would always be there for her and I would love her. At 21 she is a much wiser and more appreciative girl. It sounds to me like you are doing your best, and in the end that is really all that counts. Good luck, truly.

Nayrb 02-05-2003 06:07 PM

MSRIVERS: Thanks for sharing. I told my wife the other day that when our dughter finally wakes up out of this age(probally 25) and if she wants to do something nice for us to show how sorry she is, I told my wife that I'm gonna tell her to take us to dinner and I want what ever I want to order. And I 'm going for everything!! I'm gonna drain her bank account LOL! Seriously! then we will take her home and I will ask to use her washroom and I will stick gum everywhere LOL! I'm not really laughing but it makes me chuckel thinking about it.

Anablackfury 02-05-2003 09:42 PM

Ok first off you might not want to read what I have to say b/c i am not a parent of a teen. But instead both a parent and a teen. First Congrats on letting your daughter date. Most parents would say that is too young, but it makes for a good learning experence. As a parent, you have to find the median between being to strict and too un strict. both can be really bad and led down the same roads. Instead of hiding what you are doing and sneaking. Confront your daughter. And no I don't think it is a good idea for a teen to have the internet in their own room.
As for her boy friend, Pick out a specific room(s) that are on/off limits and stick to them. If they don't follow those rules, then tell him it is time to leave. Demand respect, but also earn it. Sneaking around does not denote respect. Tell her that she will have to earn your respect, and that currently she has none. Remind her that having the internet is a privalage,not a right. Also having someone over, or going places, a privalge not a right. If you wanted to you could ground her until her graduation, That is your right as a parent. Make her earn these privalages, don't just hand them over.If you are going to spy on her internet, tell her. Really sit down and talk to her. Remind her that as a child all she really has are privalges. Tell her of the responsibilties of having sex. And the life long effects. Don't hold back. Remind yourself that you are the parent, and she is not.
I am hoping you can get though to her, b/c my mom didn't. Here I am 19, with a 2 yr old daughter, and I am stuggling to keep us alive and food on the table. No, I am not a single mom, I just got lucky, really lucky. If it helps any, you can use me as a refence. The night I lost my virginity, was the night of my daugher's conception. I hope things work out for you. you will be in my prayers.

charby15 02-06-2003 08:06 AM

You know I am very sorry you felt that my advice was not good enough because i do not have a teenage daughter. I guess the fact that i was once a teenage girl.....not that long ago might i add.....merits nothing. I beleive that most anyone who read this forum would agree with me and most others advice on here. Your daughter will continue to grow up and treat you the way she does cause i don't believe anything you do will be productive.

I do think that was a good choice not to freak out on her when you found the birth control. But why not confront her on it and have THE TALK with her. Tell her you don't quit understand her choices, but that you are proud of her for being safe. Make sure she can come to you for anything (if in fact that is how you feel. The more open you are with your daughter the more open she will become with you.

Once again, I hope you rethink you choice to ignore good advice and don't be so quick to blame it on ODD. I once again wish you the best of luck.

Crimzon 02-09-2003 02:51 AM

Well, first off my name is Laura and i'm 16 year old, almost 17. I can't say that I know your daughter, but I can help you with a few things.

When I was 12 I was raped at an innocent sleepover gone wrong. From then on life was hell. I gave my parents hell and they never knew why. I hated everyone and everything for years. I hated myself. I never told anyone about the rape until I was 15. My mother and I had a fight one day. We had a serious talk after the fight and I broke down on my mother, telling her everything. I now see a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly. I am coming terms with the rape and I now respect my parents. Things are a lot better.

My point is, It's very hard being a teenager these days. The world is so dangerous. There's so much that's probably going on in your daughters head. I'm not saying that she's been victimized, but try to have a heart to heart with her. Find out what she's really feeling and what's going on in your daughter's head.

All I really wanted from my parents was their patience, understanding and love. I wanted rules. All children want rules and guidance. Along with the love and understanding there must be rules. Once I got those things from my parents things have gotten batter and better. Life is not so chaotic. Just try to understand your daughter and tell her that you're sorry she's hurting. Tell her that what she does hurts you. Let her know that you are there for her.

Yes, teenage girls may seem crazy to you adults, but underneath all that chaos and hate is just a little girl that wants your love.

As for the boyfriend aspect...let your daughter have the freedom to date, but tell her that if she is to date then she must follow your rules. Just keep an eye on your daughter. Someday she will understand. Most, but not all guys my age are very decietful...and most girls my age trust too openly. Your daughter will learn from the choices she makes. As long as she learns from growing up then she will be fine.

As for the things your daughter has been doing on the computer, do nto tell her that you have been spying on her. That will just make more chaos in the household. Yes, I do understand that you have the right to keep an eye on her but keying her into what you are doing will just make her trust you less. My suggestion is that you move the computer to the living room or an open room so that you can watch her activity. If that doesn't work take the internet away from her. A person can live without the internet.

I hope this helps you.


*SoccerMom* 02-09-2003 07:05 AM

I was a little taken aback when you made the statement about only wanting replies from parents of teens. I used to feel the same way about some of the replies that I would get to my posts ("What do they know? They have never been through what I am going through!")
One thing that I have learned on this board is that help can come from so many sources. Sometimes it helps to listen to the advice of teens (who are living in the same world as your teen), college aged (lived through it), new parents (vision of how to deal with their kids), parents of teens (same boat as you), parents of adult children (been there!) or adults/no children ( a different perspective). It is your responsiblity to listen to the advice, perhaps do some soul-searching, and apply what you like to your life situation.

JUST THE THOUGHTS of a "lived through it" teen & now the parent of puberty-stricken, almost teen son and two young daughters.

(Welcome, Crimzon! I admire you for sharing your difficult story. I am sure it can help many others.)

[This message has been edited by *SoccerMom* (edited 02-09-2003).]

mydog8mybrain 02-09-2003 04:56 PM

Hey Nayrb - What a post. What a thread! Great discussion brought to the surface here. I'm just real impressed.

OK - I AM the parent of one teenager and one child that is now 22 years old. I just have to chuckle when I read your posts. I have lived your life pal and it is just simply awful while you are in the heat of the battle. Just awful.

OK - Take a deep breath. Relax. Chances are things will be fine in the end. Our battle lasted about 7 years. Mine being male, he got a little jail time added to his resume. Whew! I'm sure glad those days are behind me.

Here's my advice......
1. I agree with the above poster..... Every day she needs a smile and a hug (if she will even let you hug her). This is going to pay you GREAT benefits in about 30 years when she is fighting this battle with your grand daughter. YOu can look her right in the eye, as she laments her daughter's latest escapade, and remind her that she got an "I love you" every day! Oh man, what a trump card that will be!

2. OK - So she's starting to sleep with her boyfriend. Oh man, this is a hard one. It has eternal consequences if things get out of hand. My two cents would be for you and your wife to sort of get your game plan together in case the big "P" word becomes a part of your vocabulary. Learn about various facilities that attend to young ladies that are in a family way. May never happen, but if it does it would be best to be prepared.

3. You asked about what to do if she decides to leave home. Do you go look for her? Well..... I guess each situation is different. IN my case, yes. I did go looking. I looked high and low. Was it the right thing to do? I dunno. I DO know, however, that since we have gotten through all of that, my son does recall watching as I searched for him. He comments now how sorry he is that he put me through that pain. He further states that in retrospect, it was a really strong symbol of my love for him. 15 years old? Would I go out looking again? You can bet your sweet a** I would.

I'll not address the comments of the others regarding mechanics of discipline. I'm not much of an expert here. Heck, I'm not an expert at anything. I think it just has to be a trial and error kind of thing.

4. Keep a diary. When all of this is behind you put it with your last will and testament. If the day ever comes that you need to be put in a skilled nursing facility it will most likely be her and her sister that call the shots. Then, more than ever, she will need to be reminded of what she put you through. Be sure to put some tissues with the diary, she will need them then!

Best of luck to you. The battle is hard. It can tear apart families. 90% of the time things work out, kids grow up, parents reconnect with their children and we all live happily ever after. the other 10%, however, can be a real disaster. If you happen to wind up in the 10% catagory I just don't know what to say. Try to make good decisions, think with your heart as well as your head, and try to do it from an aspect of love, not control. If you can do that, then even if you wind up in the train wrecked 10%, at least you can look back and say you did the best you could with what you had to work with.

Take care my brother. I wish a good future for your daughters.

Here's a good one.... Came from Andrew Young (U.S. Ambasador to the UN and former mayor of Atlanta, GA). "Why is it, that we try to shield our children from the same struggles that made us who we are?"
He made this comment in reference to a question from a reporter on the attitude of his parents when he left home to work with Martin Luther King in the civil rights movement.

mlgable 02-10-2003 06:18 AM

I did not read every response but full well agree with the discipline plan most have suggested. She is a minor and you are the adults. The longer you let her control the situations instead of YOU controlling the situations the worse it will get. As for the internet...........if she is doing things on the internet that are inappropriate then disconnect the internet. Spy ware is not something really needed since all you need to do is check the computers history or logs but that is another topic. As for taking her boyfriend to her the others have already said...........YOU need to set the limits as to where she can and can't take her boyfriend. Chores need to be done daily and you decide when they need to be finished ie: before she goes to bed or before she leaves for school etc. My one question is when did you stop setting limits and let her control the two of you? So long as our kids are minors in our home they will abide but our rules and we will set the rules not the other way around. When you do decide to start setting the limits remind your daughter that it is BECAUSE she abused things in the first place so that she knows why the stiffer rules will be enforced from here on in. Good Luck.

mlgable 02-10-2003 06:34 AM

After reading about finding the birth control in your daughters book bag and the fact that you are not going to bring it up to her I began to realize that you are missing a wonderful opportunity to reopen the lines of sexual communication for your daughter. You state that if she is going to have sex you would rather she be safe then sorry but you must also realize that birth control pills do not make her safe as they only prevent pregnancy. You and/or your wife need to sit down and discuss the rest of the sexual implications involved such as the possibility of STD's if a condom isn't used, what she plans to do should an accidental pregnancy occur etc. Sit down and talk with her to let her know that you are there for her no matter what happens. At this point it seems like the lines of communication between you two are not real strong as she went out and obtained birth control without even consulting either of you. Use this time to rebuild those communication lines but also to set some limits for her within your home since it is your home and you are the adult. She needs a good role model and that would be someone who sets limits for her so that she knows what is expected of her etc.

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