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wrin 02-11-2003 02:58 PM

I'm a college-age teenager (19 now, yowza, and have things changed,) and as much as I haven't ever had a teenage daughter, I've BEEN a teenage daughter, and I'll tell you what worked for me.

Like a few people before said, there's no being too nice and there's no being too strict -- you've got to find a happy medium between reasonable and unreasonable.

Quit caring so much about what she thinks and her friends think and her boyfriends think -- she's going to think you're retarded fully half the time she's awake and out of bed, and it isn't going to change until she calms down and realizes exactly how lucky she [i]does[/i] have it. I'm not saying she hates you, or you should go through her things because she will despise you anyway, but if she's got any decency, eventually it'll come around. It's hormones and peer pressure and being treated like an adult but not being allowed to do adult things that does it. Thousands of other things, too, probably.

The going-through-her-things bit isn't such a great idea simply because part of the reason she might be acting out against you is because she knows she can get away with it. Because she knows you're her parents and you're not going anywhere, and probably, neither is she for quite awhile. Any trust or love that lies in there (and as much as you may not think there is, trust me, when she hears stories about how her friends' parents kick the crap out of them and get drunk every weekend, she's secretly thanking God that you guys don't pull stunts like that,) is going to be forfeit -- because she'll have no reason to trust you anymore. It's ammunition -- that you never went through her private, private things. Of course, there's a big difference between a diary and a pack of condoms in her coat pocket.

The thing about the birth-control pills -- you really need to have a jack with her about that, if you HONESTLY think better-safe-than-sorry, maybe TELL HER that. She's hiding them because she doesn't want them taken away, like you did her condoms. Sit her down and don't let her leave. If you have to use force, USE IT by all means, I'm not saying bruise her, but by the good Gods, you're the parent and you're running the show -- you're not acting like a director, you're acting like an apprenticing production assistant. Even if you don't know what you're doing, it's so much more ... comforting? to us teenagers, that it seems like you are, because honestly, we like to think you do know what the hell you're doing, because we know damned well that we don't.

Then again, she IS fifteen, and I think you need to have a chat with her about sex at that age. Because there's a great chance for her to be taken advantage of, (I know you know this, but trust me, I know this a little more acutely -- it happened to me, when I was fifteen, not all that long ago. Perhaps if my parents had shared their concerns with me and been reasonable, I would have put some thought into it, instead of spiting their screaming.)

As much as you think what you say doesn't matter, it does, to her, in a way. As much as you think she doesn't listen to what you have to say, she does, even if she doesn't show it. I acted out at my parents, I was belligerent, I was rude and many other things, and they yelled and screamed and hit me, but that didn't make a difference. The real knife in my gut was when my parents showed that they were genuinely disappointed in me.

Let her punishments fit her crime -- if she leaves gum everywhere, make HER clean it up. And don't let her do what she wants until she does. Same deal with the using lots of water to wash her hair. If she's taking a little too long in the shower? Cut the hot water. Won't get out of bed? Start flinging cold washcloths. Start taking away real privileges -- not just objects of affection and importance. Take away her internet, take away her whole computer, take awya the keyboard unless she has a report to be done, and in that case, move the computer to a public place so you can watch and make sure she's not playing. Look at not doing her laundry anymore. For a fifteen year old teenager who's trying to look good for her peers, making her do her own laundry is a real reality check. Get a locked cabinet -- make two keys. Mum and Dad both get one. Keep them on your person -- do NOT hide them anywhere in the house on a regular basis, because she WILL find them. Don't be nice. Being nice will not get you anywhere. Besides, it's not like she's being very nice to YOU.

She could have it a lot rougher -- ... I guess she hasn't figured that out yet.

Nayrb 02-11-2003 06:52 PM

I would like to know something from those of you who admit to have been very rebellious towards your parents. You confess to us ( parents) that you admit to pushing your boundries and you feel so sorry for your actions today! Have any of you "rebels" every sat down lately and poured your hearts out to your parents for what you put them through? If you honestly have not, then I highly encourage you to do so because they deserve to hear the truth.

wrin 02-11-2003 07:47 PM

I have made a point of telling my parents what was going on in my head at the time, so they not only understood that I didn't mean to put them through anguish, but that they understood that what I was doing made sense to me at the time.

charby15 02-12-2003 09:47 AM

I don't really think of myself as a rebelious teen, but I did not get good grades (almost didn't graduate), I always caused greif when it came to chores. I drank and partied. and yes my mom is my bestfriend and i have said i was sorry more times than you can count!!!!!!!! I have appologized to my dad too for being a "Disapointment" cause that is what i thought i was.

thewaggz 02-12-2003 05:51 PM

I have never raised a teenager, but I do have a job where I have to deal with them every day. I work in a mental facility for Children. Every day I deal with teenagers that are bi-polar, ODD, ADHD. Who have been abused so badly they have brain damage, trust issues, flash backs, abandonment issues and so on. Many of the children we house have been removed by the state from their home. Many have been placed there by their parents.

I have read all the advice. I think therapy is the way to go. I have dealt with many like your daughter. Sounds like she could be ODD, and possibly bi-polar. I would also dig deeper into a possible abuse. She seems to be sexually active and not afraid for you to find out. Cry for help? Trying to tell you something? Are you morons because something has happened and you didnít see it or werenít there to stop it? Hope not, but something to look in to. I also find it odd that although she is flaunting in your face that she is sexually active, she has also made sure to take responsibility by using condoms and getting on birth control.

I agree that maybe you should be sterner with her, but also think talking helps more than anything. Sometimes we worry so much about how to punish that we never ask why she is acting this way. What has changed in her life to make her so angry?

Also, donít be afraid to get the rest of your family involved. Aunts, uncles, grandparents. If you have them as back up support your daughter will know that you cared enough for her you werenít embarrassed to ask for help from your family. It will also provide you with someone to lean and confide in. When youíre not strong enough to deal with her behaviors let someone else be strong for you.
Good Luck.

Starbuk498 02-14-2003 07:02 AM

Nayrb,

I have read all the posts and your answers to them all. It just seems to me that you want "advice" on how to make things better.....but you just don't seem to be following through with what you need to do to start fixing this problem.

First of all, WHY in the world does that kid have the internet hooked up in her room and why isn't it in a family place that ALL can have access to? You mean to tell me that your child has JUST started acting up and she was fine up until she got the computer? NO I don't hink so - What do you think a Teenager is going to do with access to EVERYTHING anyway? Come on.

And in reference to her boyfriend being up in her room. HOW as her father can you allow something like that? There is NO reason why ANY BOY should be up in her bedroom at ANYTIME with or without the door open. That is just downright wrong. Your daughter is on Birth control pills AND you have found condoms....she is obviously having sex. And at 15 - there is no reason why you should be making it easier for them to be alone together.

As for the Gum incodent. You have got to be kidding me. If she was my kid, she would be stripped of EVERYTHING. All priviledges. And I wouldn't let her do ANYTHING or go ANYWHERE until she cleaned up. That and she would find the gum in all of her personal things....her makeup, her bed and on her clothes. How dare she do that??? THAT IS JUST DOWNRIGHT DISGUSTING - AND COMPLETELY DISRESPECTING THE BOTH OF YOU AND YOUR HOME.

It sounds like the relationship with your daughter cannot get any worse than what it is. YOU need to gain control of this situation and NOW- you need to realize that what you are both doing now is SIMPLY NOT WORKING and you need to start from scratch.

How do you do that? STRIP THE LITTLE UNGREATFUL BRAT OF EVERYTHING. Going out, telephone, any outside activites, the internet (take the friggen thing out of her room already - you have control of how she uses the internet.....not her) and anything else. She needs to "earn" things back. YOu got to lay some ground rules and STICK TO THEM. It sounds like she can't possibly think any worse of the both of you....why don't you try to gain some of her respect back by showing her that the both of you are not going to tolerate her disrespect to all in that house anymore at anytime.

As for your comment about you not caring what she does after 18 years of age........I know that, that is the anger talking......but it is YOUR repsonsibility to make her a responsible, caring, functioning adult. Not ours. So please understand that it is YOU that needs to mold her and care about how she turns out....because it will be OUR problem some day if you don't. It is a parents responsibility how their kid turns out......because eventually......they are let loose on society, and honestly........we just don't need any more bad people out there.

I don't know where you lost control.......or when, but honestly, it really doesn't sound like you had control at ANY point in her life to turn out the way she has.

As for therapy........GOOD. You all can benefit from that - there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. What IS wrong is knowing you need it.....and never going to get it.

But first and formost.........YOU ARE THE PARENTS. Act like her parents and take control back.
Remember.......calling the police and asking them to get involved (behavior permitting) is not such a bad thing.....maybe she needs a little "authority" to show her the way.

This post is not to lash out at you for being a "bad" parent......but to hopefully wake you up and make you see that it is YOU that has created this monster.......and you got a hell of alot of advice from these boards that is some of the BEST advice you will receive........now it's YOUR job to act on it and take back control.........

Stick to your guns and best of luck.

Stefanie

[This message has been edited by Starbuk498 (edited 02-14-2003).]

CindyA 02-18-2003 04:59 PM

Nayrb,

So, how are things going with your daughter? Did any of this information help you at all? Has your family been able to make any changes?


Nayrb 02-18-2003 06:13 PM

CindyA, I will share with you very soon what has been happening lately. There has been somewhat of a break through but I don't want to jump the gun and spread a bunch of good news that usually turns sour within a few hours. If things continue on the positive side for the next few days, I'll gladly post. I'm sure many of you's are concerned. I'will share with you that we (my wife,daughter,myself)did have a doctors appointment.

maisy 02-24-2003 09:40 PM

I still have a hard time with the internet availability in her room. There is no part of the Bill of Rights which specifies that a teenager will have access to the internet without parental supervision. With some of the things I have accidentally seen on the internet and the horrible XXX ads I get via email (and I'm 37!) I cannot imagine how a young teen would handle some of it.
You may want to consider moving the computer to a family area in the house....OR disable the internet (cut off phone jack to her room) and allow the computer in her room for schoolwork (writing papers etc) and non-internet computer games ONLY. If she wants to surf the net she can do it in the family room. She may still access a lot of crap by using someone else's computer outside the home but then at least you won't be condoning it.

Hope you are able to get some therapy for the family. You DO need to be concerned about what she is like at 18, and 24, and 28, because she may well still be living under your roof, or get married/divorced and then return...or just make your life miserable by staying in the same town and harrassing you from a distance! 18 isn't any sort of a magic number...she could be an even bigger pain in the butt later unless some major changes are made. Good luck!!!!!



Healingmylife 04-11-2003 09:15 PM

Raising Children is a difficult job. We all have our own ideas about how to go about this. There has been a lot of talk of disorders and as much talk about condoms and birth control pills. I personally feel that she is simply a rebelious teenager. She shows a great deal of responsiability by using birth control. She deserves credit for that. (Right or wrong) Respect is a whole other issue. Was she brought up in a respectful home? Do you and your wife show each other respect? It would seem that if she had seen respect she would have learned it. Did you wait on her hand and foot as a child? Give her everything she wanted? Think back, somewhere along the line something went wrong. I however, unlike most did not have "perfect" parents. I had a mother who worked all the time and a step father who saw me as a package deal. There was no loving and nurtering in my home growing up only fear and need for approval. I was an only child. Perhaps she is jealous of her younger sister? I would highly suggest therapy but NOT for you and your wife. For your DAUGHTER! She needs to be able to talk to someone she can trust and build a "new" relathionship with.
As for spying on her? That's disreceptful. I have an 11 year old and before entering her room I knock on the door. This is how children learn respect. By living it. Boyfriend in bedroom? Door open your in ear shot as long as there behaviour is approiate, I don't see any harm in it. What's the difference in a bedroom or livingroom on a sofa? I think the only disorder your daughter is suffering from is suffication. Just my opioion no disrecept meant to you or your wife.
Good Luck!

tagger 04-15-2003 08:04 PM

Hi Naryb.

I was a rebellious teen. Two pregnancies...two abortions..drink, drugs, boyfriend, all of that. I was spoiled rotten! I was the youngest of three and the only girl. Guess what, we all survived! I'm 48yrs now so there were no internet issues etc. but I managed to drive my parents crazy anyways. Got kicked out of two (private) schools for..geez I don;t even remember!

Now I am the parent. My daughter is almost 11yrs and started her cycles at the tender age of just 10yrs. She is careening into adolesence and not quite old enought to handle it. She knows everything and we know nothing! Our thin thread of sanity is that she is very involved with a swim team and I think that lets off some of the steam. My GP swears by sports to keep kids focused, setting goals etc. Is your daughter involved in any sport or physical activity? My daughter is scheduled for "talks" with him (the GP) once a month (under protest!) So far he has done most of the talking but he's very persistent and I think will eventually get around her and find out what she's so "angry" about. I guess I should add that she is adopted of Asian origin, however that has now become an issue so far. We have made sure that she's been very aware of her history from day one. I'm sure this will become an issue at some point but she hasn't hit us with it yet!

Have you heard of a book "Mom I hate you, can you drive me to the Mall?". (sorry not sure of the author's name). It addresses the push pull that a teen feels when they are trying to gain their independence at the same time that they need guidance, discipline and support.

One of my strategies is that I hug her and tell her I love her every day. Most days she DOES resist but I will keep it up whether she likes it or not.

Once again if it's not to late get her involved in a sport, any sport. It is a great self esteem builder. They don't just need us to be proud of them, they need to be proud of themselves.

I sincerely hope that I'm not on this board 5 yrs fom now with the same problems as you. Parenting is probably the hardest job we do. Once again try the hug and love routine. It will seem very weird at first but you may be surprised that as you continue it will become easier, and maybe even produce some unexpected results.

Tagger

tagger 04-16-2003 07:57 PM

This is Tagger again and I've been thinking I need to amend my previous posting. Hugging your daughter and telling her that you love her does not mean that you love what she does or how she acts! You must love her but at the same time discipline and use positive and negative reinforcements. Negative would be of course what she hates the most, probably grounding, losing internet etc. Don't forget the positive though. Any little thing she does or way she acts that is good should receive praise, no matter how small or insignificant. She has to know though that you will alays love her and be there for her, just don't forget, YOU are the parent and the last word. Don't give up when she's 18. My parents hung in there and in the end I've become a pretty decent person....Tagger

sakara33 04-30-2003 05:10 AM

I know that maybe this has already been said, but you really need to sat her down and tell her that if she wants to live there that she has to obey the rules, kids in general need and want structure in there lives,they really want someone to guide them and to correct them (they may not like it then, but later on they will be thankful that they had good parents who cared enough to do that)...and with her acting out sounds like to me, that is what she needs....now if you have really tried this and that didn't work, my son did something like this, and my hubby and I evicted him from his room, we ended up putting a lock on his door, he lived in the living room for awhile out of 2 boxes and he hated it.....you are the parents, she is the child she is living under your roof not you under hers. In your first post about when the b/f come over and they went straight up stairs....I would have gave her about 5 minutes if that, and then I would have gone up there to tell her (not to care if I embarrassed her or not because she already disrespected you by going up there to begin with) to get her butt down stairs. And if you are afraid of her hurting herself, then by all means, all of you go for counseling... take her to see a doctor....because if you don't get a handle on it now it will only get worse.....there is a reason behind her acting out like this (it could be a number of things)....and you being the parents you are responsible for doing whatever it takes to find out why........no disrespect intended...at all so please don't take it that way.....I really know how hard it is being a parent to (a teenager) being treated like we don't know anything, that we are all stupid, like we have never been young before. I know it really hurts, and at times a part of you would like to give up...but we can't because we love them to much. The main thing is to get her back on the right track, because if you don't what and where will she be in a year from now if it continues......just my opinion.....take care and keep us informed of how everyone is doing....God Bless

shysanny 05-02-2003 01:55 PM

hi i am replying to this cuz i just turned 21 so i can still very clearly remember what my parents were like and alls i can say is that when i was still living at home i did hate my parents well i thought i did, to me they were dumb and idiots and didnt know nothing. it is normal but you can bet your *** that they never let me get away with that i wasnt even allowed to have a phone in my room or nothin and if i was not home at curfew than i was grounded with everything taken awway including tv stereo evrything i basically had to stay in room with nothin and i hated them for it but you know what they stuck by everything they ever said and i kneew better than to make them mad and i knew to do my chores or else i had things taken away from me that i liked to have. anyways alls i can say is that then i grew up and realized that they werent so bad. yes there are still things they did that i dont agree with but you know what alls i can do is forgive them i dont hate them anymore i love them very much now and now that i have my own son who is only 13 months old but i can see in alot of ways that i will follow what my parents did cuz you know what they did the respect they wanted to their face and teenagers always talk about their parents behind their back i have never met one who hasnt. so just do what you feel is best but i do have to agree with most all the replys on discipline. it worked for me. but i do have one more thing to say my parents never looked at my stuff and i really would hate them if they would have of that is invasion of privacy totally. and about the condoms you can not stop her from doing it my parents could not stop me from nothin but i do have this to say dont take them from her BE GLAD SHE IS USING THEM AND GET HER ON BIRTH CONTROL

Kimia 05-05-2003 05:32 PM

Hello,

My daughters are much younger than yours, my oldest is 8 and has ADHD, she was out of control, no matter what we did we were the bad ones. I was ont he brink of needing a funny little jacket and a padded room, Then i took a parenting class and from thier i went to a seminar it was called "Smart Discipline" and while there i bought a workbook on the Smart Discipline Plan, and it has been 3 weeks since we put the "rules" into affect, I have just had the easiest, less stressfull 2 weeks in 8 year, i strongly recommend it.
If you would like more information, I have the workbook right here and would be happy to give you some ideas.***secret*** dont tell anyone....lol, but i have copied the entire workbook onto my computer and would be more than happy to email you the info. If interested email me. [email protected]

also this program is for kids ages 4-17 but would probably work for anyone who lives at home and is should be expected to follow the rules.

Good Luck
Kimia

p.s. YES YES YES take that computer out of her room, who cares if she hates you for it now, you would hate yourself if she decided to run away with someone she met online and ended up in a ditch somewhere......it's happening all the time, and VERY scary!


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