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  • Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

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    Old 07-11-2010, 06:22 PM   #1
    tiny111
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    Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    My parents are really overprotective. To be honest, I don't know any parents around where I live that are like mine. I'll be eighteen years old in a month and as all parents do, they still see me as their little girl. But lately it has been too much for me to handle. I've had a boyfriend for 9 months now. He's met my parents and comes over to my house. He's always very respectful to them and helps them out with things around the house sometimes. The only thing they don't like about him is that he is shy and quiet. However, I'm not allowed to go over his house. I'm not allowed to go places even if his parents will be there too. Not only does he respect my parents, he also respects me. We are both virgins. And we never had a serious relationship until we started dating each other. About two months ago, I was honest with my mom and told her that my boyfriend and I were ready to have sex. She told me that when I thought I was ready that I should talk to her so I did. It wasn't easy to go to her, and all of my friends thought I was crazy for talking to my mom about it. But I felt it was respectful to do as she asked. We made an appointment and got me on the pill. And he talked to his dad about and they got condoms. I've been on the pill for a month and a half. But my mom still will not let me go over to his house even though she knows they truth. She thinks that I'm stupid and that we're too young to be in love. She thinks that all he wants is one thing just like every other guy. But I don't think that any guy would wait 9 months for that, especially when he knows easier girls. But we do love each other, and we want to share that first with each other. I did what my mom asked, I asked her if I could go over to his house especially since I was honest. But she won't let me. And she thinks the only reason I want to go over there is for that one thing. But there's more to it than that. I want to be a part of his family just like he is welcome to come over to mine. I can't handle the fact that I was honest with her and she still won't let me live out the decisions that I have made. Am I wrong? I don't feel like I am, but I'm not a parent. I don't know what to say to her or if I should say anything at all. Our last talk turned into a fight, so I really need advice. Thank you!

     
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    Old 07-11-2010, 07:01 PM   #2
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    I'm a parent....and no, you are not wrong.
    I guess your mother wanted the intimacy with you, the honesty with you, and she wanted to guide you, yet once she knows what your desires are, she's no longer on the program
    and now she's desperate to grasp at anything she can so that you can remain a virgin.
    I give you a lot of credit for sharing your heart with her. I'm sorry that you are suffering for that honesty. My daughter was 22 when she lost her virginity and even then I didn't love the idea.
    I hope that somehow your situation will improve. I just wanted to let you know that you are not in the wrong.

    Sue

     
    Old 07-11-2010, 07:04 PM   #3
    tiny111
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    Thank you so much for the message. It definitely made me feel better to get a parent's perspective on the situation.

     
    Old 07-12-2010, 08:18 PM   #4
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    As a mom of 3 little girls, and being young once myself, I can easily see both sides of your situation.... and I agree and disagree with both sides, too.

    Your mom is wrong in that she never gave you any boundaries or made it clear what she expected of you as far as sex is concerned. It seems she gave you the okay at first, and then changed her mind when it came down to you actually going through with it. I can't say that I disagree with her not wanting you to have sex at such a young age though. And yes, 17 is way too young. Ask yourself this: are you ready to become a mother right now? Birth control pills aren't 100%. I know plenty of women who've become pregnant while still on the pill. If you aren't ready to be a mother, you really shouldn't be having sex. HOWEVER.... this isn't supposed to be a lecture, so I'll leave it at that.

    As far as you and your mother's relationship.... don't let a guy come between you and your mom. He may or may not be there in your future, but your mother will always be there for you. She just wants what is best for you. Her inconsistencies aside (hey, no mom is perfect!) it's obvious she loves you and wants you to be happy. She is terrified for you over this decision you've made for yourself.... for the above reasons about motherhood.... and for other reasons that go along with motherhood, like will you make it to college, how long will your boyfriend stick around after you've had sex a few times (sorry, but some guys are just in it for the challenge.... even if it does take 9 months!), is your boyfriend really a virgin or is that just a line he used on you, and if he's not a virgin, how many STD's might he be carrying, will your boyfriend stick around if you did get pregnant, will you ruin your future, etc..... all very valid fears of a mother who loves her daughter.

    As a mother, those are all the reasons I will give my daughters when it comes to sex. I plan on raising my daughters to wait until they are married (yeah, so old fashioned, I know.... but that's how I was raised and it's worked well for me!).

    As a person who's been there, I do know what you are going through. I had a boyfriend that my parents didn't want me to be with and I did so many stupid things in order to be with him.... and I'm talking about just hanging out, eating dinner, watching a movie, no sex involved..... But it drove me and my parents apart, because I felt like I had to lie to them in order to be with my boyfriend. My Mom and I had been best friends until I allowed this guy to come between us. My parents saw in him what I refused to see. Sure, they liked him well enough, he was allowed to come over to my house and we were allowed to be together as long as my parents were aware of it all and were around. But they really didn't want us to be in a "dating" relationship. He and I dated for almost 8 months before the subject of sex came up. He said he loved me and that I was going to be his first. He knew I wanted to wait for marriage, but he pushed the subject a lot. Eventually he date raped me. My parents knew he wasn't any good, but I wouldn't listen to them.

    I'm sure your boyfriend is a great guy, and I'm sure he wouldn't do the same thing to you.... I'm not saying he would. BUT, if your parents see something in him that they don't like, you might take a step back and review your relationship with him and make sure he really is everything you think he is.

    Good luck....

     
    Old 07-12-2010, 10:11 PM   #5
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    I think that your mom is being too protective. Until you are 18, you need to just grin and bear it, but once you turn 18 you need to sit down with your parents and have a talk. I assume you plan to live with them for a while longer. My suggestion would be to tell them you are now 18 and need to start having some freedom so that you can begin learning how to be an adult while still staying at home. Get them to set some guidelines, such as when they expect you to be in at night. Be respectful and tell them who you are going out with and when you plan to be home, but my suggestion once you turn 18 is not to divulge the details that will freak them out. Insist that they trust you. It sounds like you have more than earned it.

    I don't think 18 is too young to have sex. I do think it's too young to be a mom. It sounds like you and your BF plan to use double protection, and that is a good idea.

    If your parents won't lighten up, you may have to consider moving out to get the freedom you desire.

     
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    Old 07-13-2010, 03:35 PM   #6
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    Thank you Marisuela. I do understand where you are coming from about my mom being worried about me getting hurt or pregnant. And I definitely appreciate the mom's perspective on things.

    My mom does know that my boyfriend is respectful and she always says that he is a good guy. So it confuses me even more aside from that she did, like you said, change her mind.

    I do know that my boyfriend is a virgin. I was friends with him for years before we started dating and his relationships only lasted a week because he didn't listen to me and dated untrustworthy girls that just cheated on him all the time. He is also a very shy person and has only opened up to me, which even his parents and grandparents have told me the same. This is both of our first serious relationships and I know he tells the truth when he says he's a virgin because I've known him.

    My mom thinks a lot like you do about guys, because she has also had bad experiences with guys. But I know the mistakes that she has made and I'm not going to follow in her footsteps because I've learned the lesson through her because it has affected my life as well.

    Thank you for your message though. It was really helpful and I needed to hear a mom's point of view!

     
    Old 07-13-2010, 03:38 PM   #7
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    Thank you Eagle!
    It seems that you understand my side of things.
    It's parents' jobs to teach their kids how to grow up and learn about the real world. I've gone through almost 18 years of them teaching me and I'm ready to branch out on my own. I don't go to parties, I don't do drugs, and I don't drink. I work two jobs and do well in school. And I feel that being that responsible should have earned me the right to make my own choices.

    I really like your advice about talking to them when I turn eighteen. And with all that I have done to show them that they raised me right, hopefully they will let me branch out. If not, I'm already considering moving out if they don't try to understand.

    Thank you so much for your advice and seeing things from my side!

     
    Old 07-13-2010, 03:41 PM   #8
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    If you get a chance come back and tell us how it goes, then. It's always nice to know how things turned out.

    You do sound very responsible- two jobs and good grades! Congrats! Hopefully your parents will ease up some, so that aren't forced to move out before you are ready.

     
    Old 07-13-2010, 04:58 PM   #9
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    I will definitely keep you updated on how it turns out. Thank you so much for the advice! It was very helpful and I definitely needed it.

     
    Old 07-27-2010, 07:15 PM   #10
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    I have an update.

    I ended up not having to have a talk with my mom after all. I stopped asking her about it and things gradually just worked out.

    We all went to an amusement park together and my mom let me ride in my boyfriend's dad's truck with them so I got to talk to his dad and get to know him more. And then my boyfriend rode a ride with my mom while I watched my cousin who wasn't tall enough to ride it, and they talked and got to know each other more. And she even asked him if he wanted to get a ride with her to visit me at college when we go to college.

    So after they talked and bonded a little, I think it made her feel better about him and she could see that he really is a great guy and cares about me so much. Everything she could hope for me to find is him.

    So she let us start spending longer days together and letting him drive me places. And after she trusted us with that, she let me start going over his house for a little. We can stop and say hi to his dad, and yesterday we stopped to pick up his dog to take him to a new place where they have bathtubs for dogs and you can wash them.

    My mom and I are also getting close again. We joke around like we used to and we even went to get ice cream and do some shopping not long ago. And she doesn't cringe when I talk about my boyfriend. She actually asks questions and tells him hello when I'm talking to him on the phone.

    So even though I'm not allowed to go over his house for more than an hour or anything like that, my mom and I seemed to have made a great compromise that we are both happy with.

    And I enjoy getting to be around my boyfriend's family and go on dates with him.

    And in case you wanted to know, we still decided to wait to have sex. We're both just so happy to have more freedom that we don't feel it's something we have to dive into just yet. We're just happy to spend time together.

     
    Old 07-27-2010, 10:54 PM   #11
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    Tiny111-

    Thanks so much for posting an update! It's always nice to know that things worked out. I'm happy for you.

     
    Old 04-12-2011, 01:14 PM   #12
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    I have another update.

    I am now 18. Have been for awhile.

    I broke up with that guy before school started. No big deal and it doesnt upset me.

    But i notices that things with me and my parents got worse. Even more so then when i was with my ex.

    I had to start seeing a therapist for the depression ive had for years. Turns out, she thinks my mom has bipolar disorder and its not healthy for me to live here.

    After many talks with my grandparents, my friends, and my therapist, i have decided that it is best for me to move out. And i will be very soon.

     
    Old 04-12-2011, 05:20 PM   #13
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    That sounds like it's for the best. Good luck. Are you going to have a roommate, or try to do it on your own?

     
    Old 04-12-2011, 07:02 PM   #14
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    Re: Overprotective Parents - Need Advice

    Im going to be staying with my friend so i can finish up school and then moving in with my grandparents once im done

     
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