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an unloved child

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Old 04-25-2011, 09:26 AM   #1
Paula B
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Unhappy an unloved child

I have a 24 year-old son that my husband does not like. We have 4 children in all and as everyone knows being a parent is not an easy task. It seems that whenever there is a problem my husband's reaction is to throw them out. His other reaction is to take it out on me by always placing the blame on me and giving me the silent treatment.

Our latest problem happened just over this past weekend. My son took my car out on Saturday night because he cannot afford to put his vehicle on the road. The vehicle is only 6 months old. On his way home ( going 30 mph) the car slid on wet leaves and he lost control of the car. He hit 3 trees but thank God he is ok...just shaken up. My husband's response was to either leave him in the hospital or let him walk home....15 miles. He also said that it would have been better if our son was killed because he causes us so much trouble. How could any father say that? He also said that he is giving him 2 days to join the service or move out and if he doesn't my husband is leaving us. I am not saying that my son is perfect. As a matter of fact he has caused us some problems. In January he tried to commit suicide. We had him placed in a facility for 5 days for evaluation. When that happened my husband did have a different attitude. When our son came home it was with open arms. Our son is now on meds....seems to be doing better. He also attends counseling. Because of our wonderful economy he has lost his job and without a car it is difficult to go out job hunting. He does work for friends on occasion to make a bit of spending money.
I guess my point is when things are good with the kids my husband is good too. As soon as there is a problem it is my fault and he thinks the kids are crap. Any suggestions?

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Old 04-25-2011, 09:55 AM   #2
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Re: an unloved child

If he is feeling this way about ur son then you will always be alone when it comes to your son. I know we all make mistakes but I know ur son is a 24 yr ols man but he really is still a kid and he needs help. If you try to do it alone it will be very hard because you will be going against youe husbands wishes. JMO

Old 04-27-2011, 05:11 AM   #3
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Re: an unloved child

Question, your son has no job, yet, he was driving. Who is paying for his insurance?

Does your son have a cell phone as well? Who is paying for it? Who pays for his meds and doctor appointments?

I know you love your son and you want what is best for him, but there comes a time when you need to stop enabling your child.

Yes, the economy is bad, but McDonalds is hiring like crazy right now. I was looking at jobs listed on our local mall's web site, and there are a ton. I mean, practically every store was hiring!

Maybe it is time for some tough love. Give your son 1 month to get a job, and 3 months to save $$ for his own place. At 24 years old, it is time he learns to stand on his own feet. If you keep doing everything for him, he will never learn to do it himself.
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK

Old 04-27-2011, 07:02 AM   #4
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Re: an unloved child

Not a real solution, but something along side of what Belly Kelly said.

At 24, regardless of how strained the relationship between your son and husband is, he does need to start taking responsibility for his life. But I do think your husband is being unfair and harsh. There are other ways to approach the situation that shouldn't involve 'punishing' you with the silent treatment or speaking so harshly about your son. Having a brother that's a little 'less than perfect' (he's a great person, but doesn't always make the best decisions) I KNOW what it's like when a father and son bump heads. In my situation, I think the 2 are just so much alike that it's inevitable for their NOT to be any friction. And in all honesty, it really didn't get better until my brother started living on his own. The fact that there not in each others paths constantly has helped a lot.

My mom as always helped my brother out, and still does- sometimes behind my dad's back because he will probably turn around and blame her for allowing him to misuse his funds because mom will cover for him. But the truth is, bro needs to get it together!!! Obviously, as children, we know that at the end of the day, we can usually turn to our parents for help. But that help should just not be abused. This is not always clear to us as children, especially in a bigger family. But as we grow up, and are working, and paying bills, and being adults, we come to understand that. But you need to 'cut the umbilical cord' as I tell my mom. Of course, you should continue being supportive, but you need to be supportive when it's needed.

For a while, I thought my dad didn't love my brother. But he always did and does. And I'm sure my brother probably thought my dad didn't like him as well at times. But he eventually learned that it had nothing to do with that. Occasional disappointments should not be confused with hate. And you can tell there is love because your husband welcomed him with open arms after the January incident.

The whole 'either he goes or I go' should just be talked out and just taken off the table. Maybe you and your husband should come up with a plan together that will help all three of you in the long run. But you both would need to stick to the plan. Something realistic because you don't want to set your son up for failure. But a plan where your son takes more responsibility for himself and where you're not coming to his rescue unless it is an absolute emergency.

Good luck!!!

Old 05-27-2011, 08:49 PM   #5
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Re: an unloved child

Ok first of all your husband seems like a sorry sorry person just by reading what you say any father who says it would have been better off if he had died would not be a part of my life..divorce him

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Old 05-27-2011, 09:09 PM   #6
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Re: an unloved child

100% agree with belly kelly. I'm 23 and still live at home been in and out of inpatient psych wards 10 times since 2009. Lost my job. I'm on meds, see a psych. and therapist. I got myself a job. I'm back in school. Why? Because my parents gave me parents are tough on me. I use their car but I'm only allowed to use it for work. I put gas in it myself. I pay for my insurance. I have no cell phone it is not a necessary bill for me because I'm working on paying off my 10 grand medical debts. Point is. If I can do it your son can too. I agree with the fact you are def. enabling him. Put your foot down and maybe side with your husband a little, but not to his extreme just yet. Wish you luck!

Old 06-03-2011, 05:54 PM   #7
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Re: an unloved child

Yeah your hubby sounds like a real jerk, but.....time to let the kiddo grow up...way past time actually. There are jobs out there, so that's a copout, and he can take care of himself and fight his own battles...he's a man, not a child. Sounds like you need to let him and your hubby settle their own differences and your son needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

Good Luck and take care.

Old 06-05-2011, 04:41 PM   #8
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Re: an unloved child

I agree with the posters who said that you need to let your son grow up. My uncle was always the baby (he was the youngest of 4 children). He never took responsibility for anything and drank himself to death at 50. I think your son need some tough love and an opportunity to show you and himself that he is able to stand on his own feet.
As far as your husband goes, to say that it had been better if your son got killed makes him sound like a lunatic. I don't know how you can live with such person. I do feel for you and wish you the best of luck. I, too have problems with my son (he is much younger than your son) and understand the pain you are going through.

Old 06-06-2011, 02:03 PM   #9
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Re: an unloved child

Originally Posted by Binkys View Post
Ok first of all your husband seems like a sorry sorry person just by reading what you say any father who says it would have been better off if he had died would not be a part of my life..divorce him
I'm with you on this one. That husband of yours sounds cruel. No wonder your son is how he is............

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