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    Old 04-25-2011, 08:44 PM   #1
    My last nerve
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    Exclamation I don't know what else I can possibly do...

    I'm trying my best here and it's not enough. I'm seriously thinking of sending my child to a residential treatment facility so that she can be better helped.

    My child was diagnosed with ADHD after five years of fighting for an assessment. Once my child was diagnosed, medications began and I felt that it was more of a relief for others which would be myself, teachers and students. Although my child does better in school now and is able to focus more, it is well documented that my child is sensitive to their surroundings and does better in a quiet non busy (visually) setting. She is calmer but unfortunately docs equate her calm with understanding the difference between right and wrong. The meds have her sitting there like a zombie. Her speech is slower and she doesn't really talk much.

    My child is very smart and has no learning difficulties.

    My fear is that my child is not learning to manage her behaviour without medication. Without meds, the kid is defiant, cannot be trusted and must be monitored at all times. I haven't been able to do much of anything in the past eight years because of this. Most friends and family have distanced themselves from this situation because my family doesn't have any history of children with such behaviour problems and it doesn't make sense to them.

    It gets more complicated though.

    I'm autistic. I have aspergers. As much as I need a routine and whatnot, it has proven to be almost impossible to implement when you have a child with such behaviours. I am sensitive to everything myself. A day at home with a child not on meds means I am exhausted to the point of fatigue. I cannot function. My child will argue with me over things that sometimes sound more aspergers than addhd and other times more defiant than anything.

    I gotta save every ounce of energy I can to get through my day. An argument with her in the morning usually causes me some sort of communication difficulties, sensory issues and fatigue that keeps me in bed too often. I mix up my words and get confused when she argues with me. She'll either mock me or push for clarification which rattles me.

    I've asked for respite which we don't qualify for because she is not considered special needs. There isn't any such thing as respite for parents with developmental disabilities themselves. We've had someone visit us in the home where I was provided with positive parenting ideas. The professional saw how complicated it is to implement them in the moment when I'm the way I am. I've had two adults care my child for up to three days and they said they felt they were being abused by a kid. They were speechless and emotional. Her own grandmother said my child does the same thing to her. I also came to learn that her father had a history of lying, stealing and doing some pretty crazy things that sound similar to that of a sociopath.

    This is a kid that goes to residential camp during the summer, no meds and has no difficulties. I'm thinking that the quiet setting is what allows her to focus. She would be provided the structure she needs and I would be able to develop my own structure.

    I sound like a horrible parent but this is a recipe for disaster and although I've been fighting for help for many years, I'm not going to pretend that a medication is going to cure my kid. As it stands now, she's being set up to fail in the long run. One day she won't want to take the meds and all hell will break loose.

    There is surely more to the picture but if you ask questions, I can better explain.

    I'm trying to do the right thing.


    Help.

     
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    Old 04-26-2011, 04:46 AM   #2
    sylink
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    Re: I don't know what else I can possibly do...

    How is she now? I am also in a similar fix. My son has not been diagnosed yet, but the house is hot all day. He respects no one and does a lot of things reversed.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by My last nerve View Post
    I'm trying my best here and it's not enough. I'm seriously thinking of sending my child to a residential treatment facility so that she can be better helped.

    My child was diagnosed with ADHD after five years of fighting for an assessment. Once my child was diagnosed, medications began and I felt that it was more of a relief for others which would be myself, teachers and students. Although my child does better in school now and is able to focus more, it is well documented that my child is sensitive to their surroundings and does better in a quiet non busy (visually) setting. She is calmer but unfortunately docs equate her calm with understanding the difference between right and wrong. The meds have her sitting there like a zombie. Her speech is slower and she doesn't really talk much.

    My child is very smart and has no learning difficulties.

    My fear is that my child is not learning to manage her behaviour without medication. Without meds, the kid is defiant, cannot be trusted and must be monitored at all times. I haven't been able to do much of anything in the past eight years because of this. Most friends and family have distanced themselves from this situation because my family doesn't have any history of children with such behaviour problems and it doesn't make sense to them.

    It gets more complicated though.

    I'm autistic. I have aspergers. As much as I need a routine and whatnot, it has proven to be almost impossible to implement when you have a child with such behaviours. I am sensitive to everything myself. A day at home with a child not on meds means I am exhausted to the point of fatigue. I cannot function. My child will argue with me over things that sometimes sound more aspergers than addhd and other times more defiant than anything.

    I gotta save every ounce of energy I can to get through my day. An argument with her in the morning usually causes me some sort of communication difficulties, sensory issues and fatigue that keeps me in bed too often. I mix up my words and get confused when she argues with me. She'll either mock me or push for clarification which rattles me.

    I've asked for respite which we don't qualify for because she is not considered special needs. There isn't any such thing as respite for parents with developmental disabilities themselves. We've had someone visit us in the home where I was provided with positive parenting ideas. The professional saw how complicated it is to implement them in the moment when I'm the way I am. I've had two adults care my child for up to three days and they said they felt they were being abused by a kid. They were speechless and emotional. Her own grandmother said my child does the same thing to her. I also came to learn that her father had a history of lying, stealing and doing some pretty crazy things that sound similar to that of a sociopath.

    This is a kid that goes to residential camp during the summer, no meds and has no difficulties. I'm thinking that the quiet setting is what allows her to focus. She would be provided the structure she needs and I would be able to develop my own structure.

    I sound like a horrible parent but this is a recipe for disaster and although I've been fighting for help for many years, I'm not going to pretend that a medication is going to cure my kid. As it stands now, she's being set up to fail in the long run. One day she won't want to take the meds and all hell will break loose.

    There is surely more to the picture but if you ask questions, I can better explain.

    I'm trying to do the right thing.


    Help.

     
    Old 04-26-2011, 05:53 AM   #3
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    Re: I don't know what else I can possibly do...

    Hi,

    I too have a child with ADHD as well as oppositional defiant disorder. When he was young our home was like a zoo. He never slept as a baby, walked at 9 months....and the activity never stopped. My family thought that we were just bad parents and never offered any support to us. Nor did they want to give us a break and watch our kids so that my husband and I could have a night out.

    We put him on meds when he was diagnosed at age 5 and it really helped. He learned to read and did ok in school as long as he was on his meds. I know that ADHD is not considered a learning disability, therefore your child cannot be on an educational plan. However, they do qualify to be placed on a 504 plan which will allow your child to have modifications in school so that her teachers will understand her disability. Quite frankly I really don't feel that teachers understand ADHD. They always think that it is a behavior issue.

    I am a teacher myself and having my own child with ADHD made me a much better and understanding person to children with this problem. I always had to fight for my child to make sure that the school followed his 504 plan.

    When my son was in high school he was embarrassed to be called to the nurse's office to take his meds. Because he was then of age it was his choice to stop taking the meds. He did graduate (barely) but we did find that as he matured he had learned how to deal with his disabilities. At 27 he is still so hyper but the defiant behavior, meanness, and violent behavior is better.

    My advice to you is to go to counseling, with or without your child. You meet parents who are in similar situations and it makes you feel as though you are not a failure. Make sure your child continues the meds because they do help. You did mention that your daughter is like a zombie. It may be that she is taking too much medication or it may not be the one for her. Talk to her doctor.

    Good luck. I sympathize with you. PB

     
    Old 04-26-2011, 10:10 AM   #4
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    Re: I don't know what else I can possibly do...

    So if I am reading this correctly, it sounds like your daughter's behavior is better while on her meds, but sometimes on the weekends you don't give them to her? Do I have this correct?
    My advice is to keep her on the meds. I think of ADHD as a chemical imbalance or even a disability. Would you deny a diabetic their insulin? How about a bipolar person their meds?
    Also, I would seek the help of more specialists. Go and see the best doctors in a local city and get their analysis. It is possible that she is bipolar or has ODD and needs different treatment.

    Best of luck.
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    Old 04-29-2011, 11:09 AM   #5
    My last nerve
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    Re: I don't know what else I can possibly do...

    We've been through about four different medications that all produce the same result: a lifeless, characterless drone that doesn't eat anything. It doesn't matter what the dose either.

    I'm not a fan of the medication. As a consumer survivor myself, medicating her doesn't help her acquire the necessary skills to control her own behaviour. She has to be watched at all times to make sure she even swallows the pill. What do you think will happen as she gets older?

    Medication gives children a false sense that everything is ok when it's not. When I asked her doctor about help dealing with her behaviour without meds, she looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. It doesn't mean my child won't be on medication ever but I'm not going to write my kid off either in terms of her ability to understand herself and make decisions about her behaviour.

    I'm looking at rural residential treatment facilities where she will not be on medication and doesn't have these extra distractions. I can relate to that and it's an option I wish more people pushed for. If her behaviour improves, we'll know it does have at least something to do with her environment and would seriously consider moving to a rural area.

     
    Old 04-30-2011, 06:26 PM   #6
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    Re: I don't know what else I can possibly do...

    I'm not a fan of the medication. As a consumer survivor myself, medicating her doesn't help her acquire the necessary skills to control her own behaviour.

    ADHD has been found to be a chemical imbalance, not a behavior issue. When you medicate a person with ADHD you enable them to figure out to behave. It is impossible to "aquire the necessary skills" when your mind is running a mile a minute. There is no control when you are chemically out of control.

    It's hard to understand the difference in medicating the behaviors (like some do with autism) and medicating to create a chemical balance (in ADHD) But they are two very different problems.

    For a person with ADHD stopping medication is horrible. Suddenly everything is out there, jumping at you, pulling your interest one way or the other, you can't help it, it just looks so cool, but oh, I'm supposed to, look there is a squirrel....

    I have 2 children with ADHD. They went through rigorous neuropsycological testing to be sure of the diagnosis. On weekends I give them the choice and they always choose to take their pills. I understand completely as I have ADHD too.

    Remember, ADHD is not something that the child can control but medication can. Autism is different, medication only controls the symptoms. I can't see a residential TX for a child with only ADHD.

    Pup

     
    Old 04-30-2011, 07:21 PM   #7
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    Re: I don't know what else I can possibly do...

    Thanks for the feedback.

    I'm having a difficult time accepting the ADHD diagnosis I suppose. When she was younger, she couldn't sit still, would rip her hair out and leave patches and I knew she couldn't help herself. She had no friends because she was constantly disrupting her class, lying and stealing from them. I knew it hurt her deeply that no one wanted to be around her. When we would talk about her behaviour she's say she didn't steal it or that it was given to her or that she basically didn't do whatever it was she was accused of doing. She has never taken responsibility for anything she has ever done to anyone. She used to tell children to do bad things and damage whatever she could. There is absolutely no remorse in face which scares the crap out of me. She ignores you when you speak to her. I'm talking about looking her in her eyes and her just glaring at you with a look of defiance. One morining before she took her meds, she took my phone, sent out an email pretending to be me to her friends accusing them of harrassing her. You ask her to clean her room and she demands that you focus on something she wants to do. When you reinforce that her room has to be cleaned, she simply says she won't do anything then. You give her consequences and she says she doesn't care. You enforce the consequences anyway and the behaviour doesn't chance. You use positive parenting and she uses that to exercise her sense of entitlement later on with something else she hasn't earned. She has a way of turning things into situations that make it seem she is innocent. Is that ADHD?

    It's one thing to not be able to focus but there's no moral compass; the meds just have her dazed and silent. I'm not convinced this is or just ADHD.

    Her father has a track record of ruining people's lives. We've been divorced for years and still, I get a call from time to time from people I've never met complaining about how he manipulated them and left them with nothing. After the divorce, I learned of juvenile delinquency and a few charges. The stories are out of this world and almost impossible to believe if you met him. There's just too many stories from too many people saying the same thing.

    I think that's part of the reason I feel I need to be sure I'm doing all I can for my child. If that's medication, then fine but that's about 8 hours out of the day and she looks horrible because she doesn't have an appetite. How can medication really make this all better? I'd like to think I can find some help to reinforce a moral compass with my child. When we have those moments, there's no getting through to her. She looks at you like she could care less. Her teachers have seen it and it took three of them at the same time to uncover how she was getting away with theft for so long.

    When she is medicated, she still doesn't take responsibility for her actions. She still lies. She still turns the story around. She just does it calmly.

     
    Old 05-11-2011, 05:56 AM   #8
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    Re: I don't know what else I can possibly do...

    I agree that there seems to be a bigger problem here and that perhaps ADHD is not the answer. Sounds more like a defiance disorder and maybe multiple personalities. Does she have any positive qualities or moments when she is happy and well behaved?
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    Old 05-11-2011, 06:50 AM   #9
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    Re: I don't know what else I can possibly do...

    She has times when she is happy.

    My mother visited this weekend as I was in crisis. The first two hours were ok but by the third hour, my daughter had had enough and began speaking to her like she was an idiot.

    Mother's Day started off nice. I took my child for a walk in the park and things seemed to go well. It was a much needed break from arguing. During the walk she asked me if we could watch a movie afterwards which I responded with a no. There was no time and we had to prepare for the week ahead. During our walk an elderly woman decided to walk with me and chit chat. My daughter was visibly upset and walked ahead of us. I couldn't cut the woman off. It was evident that she needed someone to talk to.

    After the chat, I took my child to get a snack at a coffee shop and once again was asked if we could see a movie once we got back home. I repeated what I had told her about not having the time. She insisted that I did tell her we could and dashed her snack aside. She became rude and angry and people started looking. I held my ground, told her that there was simply no time. She went on to explain how there could be time and that she'd be ready for bed with nothing to do but sit there.

    We got back in the house, she sat there and refused to get ready for bed. I'm at a point where I shut down.

    The next morning, it was the same struggle with rudeness and defiance. I spent the entire day sleeping. By the afternoon. I called my mother and told her that I am burnt out. She told me to pack her things and she'd have her for the week. I felt like such a failure but the truth is that I'm running on empty.

    My mother came over after work, ordered her to empty her backpack which took about 40 minutes. During that time, they argued and the tension was painful. My mother had to tell her not to speak to her the way she was. She was talking to her like she was an idiot. At one point, my mother followed her into her room after my child said something under her breath and walked away. The conflict is painful. I had a headache and could have started shouting at any time to just stop. My mother was putting on a good front but she was still visibly rattled. My mother called later to ensure that items that were supposed to be left hadn't been picked back up by my child. There's an ongoing mistrust with my child in that she'll do things or take things when she can get away with it.

    Because of the medication, she doesn't have an appetite and came home with her lunch untouched. When I picked her up from my mother this morning, she started to carry on which my mother didn't see coming. She was angry that she was given the same thing for lunch as the day before, yet didn't eat her lunch claiming that she couldn't because there was no ketchup. Can you see the mixed message there? If she's not hungry, then fine, but to then blame it on not having ketchup? She made it seem like it was my fault she didn't eat her lunch. Where I come from if you're hungry, you eat.

    If not only to be consistent, you have to be right up behind her to get the truth of a story. When she was younger, she'd tell people she didn't have a lunch. I'd ask the school if they'd check her bag and they say no. I'd have to go to the school just to show them that she actually has a lunch but didn't want to eat it. I'd have to empty out her bag. She claimed she didn't like the food. I paid for catered lunches and the school told me that she just throws that away.

    My child is sensitive. I get that. So am I. She complains about tags on her shirts, socks with the stitching going across her toes, socks that don't match exactly, nylon pants making too much noise, pizza sauce with chunks of tomatoes and this morning it was not wanting to use cream she had on her hands because it had a dried piece in it. She wiped it on a couch in the building where we lived as I saw it as I was coming back into the building. Although we waited for the school bus for about a half an hour, I still sat there with her angry about not wanting to cream her face for that time and still had to run to the bus almost missing it. It can be the smallest thing and it takes up so much time. A custodian working in the foyer saw the whole thing and wanted to say something to my child in disbelief. I get that she's sensitive but this whole 'I'm not doing anything until I get my way" piece is unacceptable.

     
    Old 05-11-2011, 01:10 PM   #10
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    Re: I don't know what else I can possibly do...

    In your very last paragraph above, it sounds a lot like hypersensitive sensory processing disorder. I would do a search on this and see if it fits your daughter. Children with this disorder fall into 2 categories, and your daughter sounds like she falls in the negative/defiant category.

    I would definitely seek out a new doctor. Have you been to a doctor in a major city? Like a children's hospital or something?
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