HealthBoards (
-   Parenting Issues (
-   -   Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther. (

tony446 10-24-2012 10:11 PM

Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
Hello everybody. I have 3 children 1 boy who is 9 and 2 girls 12 years and 6 years old. Now i have always gave my oldest 2 spankings if they were very bad up to maybe the age of 5. After that they really gave me no problems and never deserved a spanking. But my 6 year old on the other hand i never really spanked her at all because she was our baby girl and as i grew older i felt different about spanking. But tonight she was so bad. She threw a book at my wife and yelled at us when we told her she was on timeouot. She would not stay put for timeout. She screamed and refused to listen. I tryed getting loud with her but she did not back down Finally after about 1 hour of her attitude i decided it was time to give her a spanking. So i picked her up and took her to the couch bended her over my lap and gave her 3 hard swats with my hand. Of course she cried and was very suprised i did it. After it was over she cried quietly for a minute but about 10minutes later she was very calm and started behaving again. But for me deep inside i feel terrible for having to spank her. I should not have to spank her. My wife has no control over her. She will disrespect my wife in public at home. She talks tomy wife very bad. I really dont know what to do. I did not have this problemw ith my other kids. Time out does not work. Taking things away will not work because she will throw a fit and not stop till she gets her way. Am i a bad dad for spanking her like i did tonight. I feel wrong for doing it . Before bed i told her i was sorry for spanking her but she was very bad and left me no choice.

Whynowthis 10-25-2012 06:59 AM

Re: Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
I don't think you are a bad parent at all! But I support spankings. Not beatings, but spankings. There's a huge difference between the two and when people get crazy about spankings, they act as if they are the same and they are not. Also, it should be a last resort, which it sounds like it was. And she behaved afterwards, didn't she? Sometimes they need that. Kids need to have some a little amount of fear I think. Today's children walk over their parents and show them no respect. When spankings were "ok" this wasn't a problem.
I think you opened her eyes that there are repercussions for her bad behavior. I think before that she may have acted out because she was a little spoiled and thought no matter what she did she could and would get her way. Well you taught her last night that YOU are the parent. Just that one spanking could have changed her way of thinking and her behavior, and you may never need to do it again!
Again, no--you're not a bad parent! It was necessary. It wasn't a beating. You were probably more traumatized over it than she was! Thus goes the saying I heard from my parents when i was a child "this hurts me a lot more than it hurts you".

Jilly Jill 10-25-2012 09:51 AM

Re: Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
This is a tough one. I was spanked, not beaten, as a child. I deserved probably every one I got, and I can remember maybe 3 of them. So I am not emotionally scarred from them, but here is something to think about.

I am sure I received more than three in my life, but if the first one or even second one didn't stop my negative behavior, then was it that effective? I think taking away my tv time, outside time or something I enjoyed was much more traumatic for me and gave me a "want" to do better. I know you say she throws fits til she gets her way, but if you don't give in, just put her in her room and let her throw the fit, she'll eventually wear out and realize, this isn't working for me and I still don't have that favorite toy, or can't go to my friends party or whatever was taken away.

In the long run, that is more align with how the real world works. If you mess up in your job, chances are you are not going to get a physical punishment, but something more tangible. Warnings, possible pay adjustment, reassigned to a different, less desirable position, etc. to remedy the actions.

Side note.... Warnings only work if the punishment follows further negative behavior. I would suggest researching behavior techniques that have worked for others and sit down with your wife to make a plan and you both stick to. That's the only way any correction in behavior will work. Not random threats one day, giving in another and throwing in a spanking here and there. It's too confusing to the child. They gamble on the chance of you giving in or doing nothing.

Jilly Jill 10-25-2012 10:12 AM

Re: Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
Something I just thought of...maybe try a goal setting chart. I know rewarding children is also very controversial, however, setting goals is something everyone should do as long as they live. So maybe she gets a star for everyday she behaved well....didn't talk back, did as she was told, etc. to reach a goal. The goal could be, she gets to go to that birthday party Saturday or is allowed to keep that play date after school, or watch her favorite movie as planned for Friday night. The goals could be things already in place. Maybe the goal is simple...I don't lose any privileges for that day. Good job! Not going and buying a new toy or providing rewards. Just keeping on track to keep a goal that she wants to achieve. She would need a certain amount of stars to reach her goal. Since she is six, short term goals would maybe be best to start with, a whole week could be challenging for that age. You know your child best, so think about that first. Just an idea.

kind1 10-27-2012 07:46 PM

Re: Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
Your feeling guilty shows that you care and love your child. You're obviously frustrated and at your breaking point. (I personally do not support spanking or other types of physical handling as discipline.) Perhaps you can think about the situation and how you could've handled it differently next time and take a different approach such as "time out" with having given a previous warning to the behavior. Please also don't consider the child as "bad" but instead the behavior of the child as "uncooperative" or such. For those who call a child "bad", it can be very wearing on their self-esteem.

Megan20085681 10-28-2012 05:20 PM

Re: Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
I think that this means you are great dad!! She will thank you in the long run because you taught her that her behavior was not okay. MY view is as long as your not spanking in anger it okay. :)
P.S dont feel guilty

elizabeth62 10-29-2012 08:35 PM

Re: Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
There are plenty of studies that show spanking is not beneficial to children.
I'd recommend that you and your wife take a parenting class, so that the problems with your daughter don't get worse as your daughter becomes a tween and then a teen.

My kids are all different. What worked on one, was actually harmful to another. It destroyed my oldest son, if anyone even raised their voice to him.
But, now that he is a grown man, he is a very kind and caring person. :)

I think you feel guilty because you know it was the wrong thing to do and I'm not judging you, I did plenty of wrong things.

We also spoiled our youngest daughter and now that she is 18, she has some trouble with responsibility. Looking back, we should have held her accountable more, but I'm glad we didn't spank her.

marisuela 12-11-2012 09:55 AM

Re: Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
I wish more parents would spank their kids. Don't feel bad. How is she now?

esker 12-11-2012 10:13 AM

Re: Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
Spanking is proven to cause brain damage in children. It must stop.

Rett8332 12-15-2012 06:20 PM

Re: Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
No, you should not feel bad. I think your wife needs to be on board otherwise she will continue this acting out . BOTH parents need to agree on the rules and enforce them. Spanking a child gets their attention. It does not leave marks, bruising etc...that's a beating and there is a difference. If Time Out isnt working, taking away her toys, or making her sit in her room won't work, then what you did worked, I'd say stick with it!

A good tool for parents who spank is this........don't react, spank in anger.....send her to her room and tell her you will be in to see her in a bit.........take the time to cool down if you are mad, then go in her room, sit on her bed, and ask her to come sit down . Talk to her in a calm voice and tell her what she did was wrong, why it was wrong and what the consequences are and will be from now on when she acts out.
We had to do this with our 7 yr old grandson when he moved in with us, and after a month, he started behaving and not being disrespectful to anyone~

WhatWasIThinkin 12-17-2012 07:51 PM

Re: Feel very guilty about spanking my 6 year old daugther.
I think you did the right thing.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:38 AM.