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  • I feel like a bad mom, don't know what to do

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    Old 06-15-2014, 10:13 PM   #1
    Lexmom80
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    Lightbulb I feel like a bad mom, don't know what to do

    I have a 9 and a half year old daughter. She's smart, does well in school- has some social issues w peers ( only child ) so she sometimes doesn't like not getting her way. My motto to her is " to have good friends you've got to be a good friend) girl drama with girls at school.. I've talked to her teacher who calls me every Friday so I can stay in the loop and help my daughter with her approach or positive changes/choices.

    Issue- I never had my mom. She sucked all my life. Left me when I was young. Father raised me. Great guy... I just never had that experience " mother / daughter... It broke my heart. I swore id never be like her. And I can say I'm not.

    I am always worried tho that I'm a bad mom. I get frustrated easily. I yell.. We laugh a lot.. Maybe I've talked to her about adult stuff to much. She's very mature. She's already travelled the world.. But I am so worried in the next few years she will be how I was as a teen ( I'm the exact opposite now) having her changed my life- because I knew it wasn't about me anymore really..
    I'm afraid she will look for attention from boys since her dad abandoned her from birth - I am getting married in 2 months but still, I know how it feels when someone does that to you! I'm 34 and I'm still crushed over my moms choices.
    I became very sexually active, did drugs, drank, partied...

    I worry so much that when she's a teenager she will hate me, disrespect me, have sex, do drugs...

    We have an open relationship she can and does come to me about everything.
    But I worry that will change! I worry my sometimes screw ups as a mom will screw her up. She sees me bicker w my fiancÚ. I never saw a mother father relationship so I don't know what's healthy or not.. No abuse going on just annoying bickering over stupid things.. But I'm always quick to defend her if he thinks she's acting out.. I feel like I have to protect her. He says I'm trying to make up for what my mom didn't do. He says I shouldn't put her first! That's crazy to me! Of course I put her first. He never yells at her, loves her is great w her but because it's not his daughter ( she had just turned 5 when we got together) I feel like he doesn't let things slide as easily as parents do w their own kids..

    I just don't know how to be an amazing mom!
    I don't know exactly what I'm asking here.. Just how can I raise her to love herself, be happy with herself, she's already boy crazy ( is that normal) ?? Just crushes.. How do I make sure she stays in school ( I dropped out) now have 2 college diplomas that I got after she was born. I just worry as I had a great dad but I was able to what I wanted when I wanted! I have done and seen a lot. I don't want to completely shelter her or wrap her in bubble wrap but because I didn't have the best parenting I don't want to screw her up!

    Today she talked back and I flipped out she ran upstairs and cried. After a few min I called her down and said please don't talk to me like that. You don't like when I talk to you ( yell) and I don't like when you stomp around and talk back.. I know kids do it... I let her be a kid but sometimes I just snap and am like STOP IT NOW...

    How do I help myself be a better mom..

     
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    Old 07-14-2014, 12:20 PM   #2
    Marshacutie102
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    Re: I feel like a bad mom, don't know what to do

    Hello,

    It sounds like to me that you are doing a great job. I have a 13 yr old daughter and sometimes snap...sometimes yell....sometimes they push you too much.

    You have set a great example for her!

    Not having a mom in your life is hard...in my case, I had a very dysfunctional mom and I think it is normal for you to question yourself and wonder if you are doing the right things.

    Hey, we all want to put them in bubble wrap! but all you can do is raise her the best way you know how....set good examples (all couples bicker) and be there for her. In the end...it will be her decisions for how she wants to run her life.

    Unfortunately, there are no guarantees! Just like you make mistakes in your life; so will she. All you can do is be there!

    My daughter has some social issues as well and I most certainly find the girl drama an ongoing, tiring pain in the neck....girls can be so mean!

    You sound great...give yourself some slack and don't forget to breathe!

     
    Old 11-13-2014, 12:12 PM   #3
    susan923
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    Re: I feel like a bad mom, don't know what to do

    Hi there! It seems that you are doing a very good job.
    I understand you dont want your daughter to have father issues. But trust me. Shes not being boy crazy right now! Shes nine. I had a school yard crushes allll elementary! As well, try not to be her bestfriend, be her friend. But remember that there is a line that you do not want to cross because than you lose the respect that you deserve.

     
    Old 11-24-2014, 01:24 PM   #4
    jjishere
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    Re: I feel like a bad mom, don't know what to do

    It's not easy to give advice about being a good mom. It doesn't come with a rule book, but there are excellent books about good mothering as well as sites on the internet to use a a guide. Why not check out some of the sites that talk about what good parenting involves (not saying you don't already know), but you can kind of see how you mothering is similar or not to the standards.

    It's really important that you and your boyfriend get along on how to bring her up. Very. I think you would do well to see a therapist a few times about that and just in general about bringing up a healthy child.

    I hope it all works out for you. Try not to yell at her (that is scary to a child) ... and make sure your boyfriend and you are on board about how she needs to be brought up. You are the Mom so you get to decide.

     
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