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  • Father with PD possibly marrying a gold digger?

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    Old 01-06-2015, 08:37 PM   #1
    27Veronika
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    Father with PD possibly marrying a gold digger?

    My dad has been diagnosed with PD (at 68) and now Dementia (at 72) and a few months ago we sold his house and moved him into a retirement community with a full continuum of care. My mother passed away 5 years ago we determined it was not good for him to be alone way out in the country and wanted him to move before he really needed to move. Now a woman that he dated who broke up with him after spending 2 weeks on a cruise (because of his PD) is back in the picture and they are engaged just last week and she wants him to buy a house for them as that is the "only way" she will live with him. I'm at my witts end trying to slow this down or just have them spend more time together before they purchase a house. If she left him after a 2 week cruise I don't know how they will spend their lives together if he becomes a burden to her. Also- I fear having to coordinate care in the future especially because there is no telling how PD will progress and she is a very difficult person to work with. My question to those with PD is how does it affect your decision making skills and has it made you more likely to make rash decisions? For caregivers, how do you allow someone to still live their lives but still be independent? Any advice would be great, other than letting him know I am not in support of this decision I don't know what else to do.

     
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    Old 01-07-2015, 01:35 PM   #2
    rosequartz
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    Re: Father with PD possibly marrying a gold digger?

    I'm sorry to hear this! Do you have power of attorney over your father? I would talk to a lawyer and voice your concerns about this situation!
    Best of luck to you!

     
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    Old 01-08-2015, 11:58 AM   #3
    cejayb
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    Re: Father with PD possibly marrying a gold digger?

    My husband has PD and dementia and the fact is that your father will need full time secure care in the near future. He is not capable of make an informed decision and you need to get EPOA wheels in motion as [in NZ] it becomes a court matter when the person concerned is in your fathers position. Your father is settled in the best and safest place that he can be and that should not be compromised. With the best will I the world you cannot stop the inevitable....as I well know.

    Last edited by cejayb; 01-08-2015 at 12:00 PM.

     
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    Old 01-19-2016, 11:37 PM   #4
    Sideem
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    Re: Father with PD possibly marrying a gold digger?

    Sorry to hear about your father's state of mind. It's such a delicate balance... you don't want to overstep but at the same time it isn't a smart decision for him to buy a house to live with someone who he met briefly.

    I wish I knew what advice to give. I'm in the same boat with my Mom though thankfully nothing as dramatic. Her mental state has been on the decline for several years...a situation that was aggravated further due to a shooting that happened at my parent's old home back in 2013. Since the shooting my parents moved into a senior independent facility but unfortunately they are in the process of moving again due to parents being "above the low income requirements". The prospect of moving has caused both parents but especially my Mom much stress. She stressed out because my brother-in-law took an ottoman while packing their stuff that contained her medication. She was in another room when he packed it out and in her mind he was stealing her meds. We tried reasoning with her that he didn't know about her meds being in there but once her mind reaches a conclusion, there's no logical reasoning with her.

    She hides her medication in different places because she thinks that the people running the apartment are breaking in and wants to steal her meds. She also accuses my younger sister of hiding things from her and then later she'll find it in a different place. Every night she locks the apartment entrance door with a "secure bar" and places a chair in front of it as well as a bell on the door knob for good measure.

    She's afraid to go to the downstairs mailbox because she thinks the maintenance people mean to do her harm. I don't know how she will react to the new apartment which is actually a non-senior one. Most everything in the senior market is for those who are either dirt poor or for the wealthier seniors that have to give at least 100K down (basically from equity of home) and still spend 2k to 3k a month for rent. My Mom wants to live in the latter of course but doesn't realize that there's no way to afford that.

    She needs help but refuses to get it. And noone in the family knows how to handle the situation. There are a lot of awful diseases out there but Parkinson's truly is a mess especially with how it plays with the mind.

    I truly hope things work for the best with your father. Wish I could give some good advice.

     
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    Old 01-20-2016, 03:28 AM   #5
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    Re: Father with PD possibly marrying a gold digger?

    Your post really hit home with me. My step father has Parkinson's disease and my mother is his main caregiver. In the past year, his disease has increased to the point where he is no longer capable of making sound decisions and in fact is sometimes not in his right mind. He does silly things, like calling the police from his room, telling them he is being held captive in his house by a stranger, when the only person in the house is my mother. Things have gotten pretty upsetting for my mom.

    Because of some of the other things he has recently done, my mother now has an eldercare attorney on retainer and they have worked to get EVERYTHING in order. His POA is obviously my mom, with me as secondary in case something happens to her. His finances have been signed over to my mom, again, with me backing her up. Basically all of his needs have been taken away from him and given to my mother (they have been married for 35 years and she loves him with all her heart).

    Where your story really hit home is that he has 2 adult children who live in another country. They come to see him (us) about every 18 months for two weeks. Obviously my mother keeps them informed of every step that happens; and his continuous decline. Last month, she told them if they wait much longer, he may not recognize them when they come and they should not wait until September, but come as soon as they can. They showed up within ten days; however are now fighting my mother on decision making.

    The lawyer tells us we have nothing to worry about. My mom will continue to be responsible, the adult children have no rights to making decisions; however they are determined to fight her. A legal battle is ensuing and this is making everyone sick. My stepbrother and stepsister have basically ignored him for 30 years, and now they want control. Ironically, there is nothing to fight over. My parents live off some investments and my mother still works 25 hours a week to be able to eat. During that time, she has help from the state in the form of a caregiver who sits with my step dad, as he cannot be left alone.

    Do whatever you have to do to look out for your dad. He is not capable of making sound decisions with Parkinson's and whatever you have done out of love and making sure he is safe is about to unravel. Please consult a laywer and get things in order prior to him making any decisions. You may not be able to prevent him from marrying her....but you very well might be able to prevent her from getting anything from this marriage or forcing him to move.

    Good luck to you. My heart goes out to you.

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    Last edited by MSNik; 01-20-2016 at 03:29 AM.

     
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    Old 01-20-2016, 08:29 PM   #6
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    Re: Father with PD possibly marrying a gold digger?

    My heart goes out to you as well, to anyone who has a loved one afflicted with this horrible disease. It is hard to say how quickly your dad will decline; from my experience you can live a long time with it, for it is a progressive disease but the person is literally trapped in their own body, like Alzheimer's. And our experience is it not only affects the person's ability to make good decisions, it greatly affects their mood and temperment in an unpleasant way. I would definitely talk to a lawyer! He is in the best living situation where he is, and he won't like you telling him what to do, but it is in his best interests. With dementia, you will have just agree with whatever he says, but do the opposite I am afraid. Bless you, none of this is easy!

    My DH's stepdad lived to be 91 with Park's and he also had the dementia that goes with it. DH's Mom has alzheimer's, so she was in no position to help him or herself. They were allowed to stay in Assisted Living with the absolute top level of nursing care, plus we had to hire a full time CG to stay with them until he passed.

     
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