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  • Bipolar?Borderline? CONFUSED!!

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    Old 12-19-2004, 08:58 PM   #1
    Join Date: Dec 2004
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    ashiepoox0x HB User
    Bipolar?Borderline? CONFUSED!!

    I think I may have borderline personality disorder AND bipolar. Ive read around and its possible to have both. I have been diagnosed bipolar type 2 rapid cycling, but it more sounds like BPD to me as well.
    Ive had a rough life, my mom is an alcoholic(who is also suicidal, ive saved her life more than 4 times), ive been bullied about being fat and ugly with poofy hair(thats what they called it, and i have REALLY coarse hair) for most of my life, and my therapist thinks I have had been emotionally and physically abused by my mother. I never knew my father, and now I have to live with my grandparents.
    When I was in 6th grade I was diagnosed with severe depression. Then I started cutting. Now I am in 8th grade(Which means I am 13 yrs old), diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and my problems have become worse.
    I don't have any friends(not anymore, cause either one im too scared to talk to them, or they stopped talking to me cause their sick of my mood swings). I get severely jealous very easily. I also think I know what they are thinking, like im always right. And if they think im stupid, i blow my head off even more.
    I always think they are out to hurt me, so I don't get close to them. I seriously cannot control my anger. If i get angry I start crying because I cannot control them. I was never able to control anything my whole life, and i feel like im better than everyone else if I get to. I will also cry cause I pushed them away and I cannot control it, and I am lonely. I also have a habit of one minute saying I love you and I act really nice and generous, then I say something really mean like I hope you die from cancer or a car crash and I cant believe you would treat me like this. I always think im the victim. My old counselor even said so. I always think they are lieing, and I say like "but remember you said that ___, so you must have lied to me".im making it all up in my head making me persuade myself its true. I always think they are going to hurt me..not physically but emotionally. I also can develop addictions very easily. Like for example, I believe I have a binge eating problem(cause I always think its going to help me fill in the loneliness in me), overspending things(i dont use my money, i use my grandmothers, but she always get mad at me that i spend too much and i never even touch it), and i think i have an addiction to the computer(i always say theres nothing to do, and that im bored, and this is the only thing that keeps me unbored, but yet sometimes im still bored, if im lonely). I am also very paranoid, like I think someone is watching me. If the window isn't shut w/ the curtains I run to wherever i go to so if their gonna try to kill me ill be able to hide somewhere. And If I hear something drop or even a little noise happens I get really nervous and run as far as I can go from where I heard it. My grandmother says I just watch too much of Americas Most Wanted, but I don't even watch it. Also, theres another problem, if im in the middle of saying something, i immediately change the subject, and people are thinking im weird i bet. I also confuse myself when I talk, im guessing its because of what i just said a sec ago, and its to the point where people think im talking nonsense.I like to control people as well sometimes because I cannot control myself, but I try, but i just cant. Theres two more problems, sometimes I think im the ugliest person in the world, and someties I think im very pretty. Then other times I change my mind on my beliefs, where people think im a liar. The last problem is is that sometimes the past doesn't bother me at all, then I get really mad about what they did to me in the past. I know I am overly sensitive, but I had never been like this before. People sometimes refer to me as the next Lisa Rowe from Girl, Interrupted.
    I have also been on various medications. Ive been on Remeron, Zoloft, Risperdal, Lithium, Paxil, Trazodone and right now I am on Wellbutrin SR. For the depression part, its helped me ALOT. But I still get those mood swings, and the feeling of emptiness, but there isnt any suicidal thoughts or threats like I used to have/do. I have also been asked about if i ever thought I had PTSD(Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), Social Anxiety, ADD and more.
    I know alot about disorders and about mental health. I just don't know about myself and whats wrong with me. My psychiatrist says that every teenager has BPD, but I dont really agree with that, cause no one else that I know has acted the way I do.
    Sorry this was a very long post, I just really need to find out whats wrong with me. I can't tell my counselor everything cause i either just dont get to it, or im not ready to talk about it, cause i think i will embarrass myself.

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    Old 02-25-2005, 09:00 AM   #2
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    Re: Bipolar?Borderline? CONFUSED!!

    What you say about not getting close to people sounds distinctly like Borderline, but frankly it's not uncommon for people your age to feel that way anyway. When you're in 8th grade, everything is unstable because everyone around you is going through changes. It's not unusual to feel like you can't trust anyone, since everyone is pretty wacked-out.
    Choose the devil you don't know.

    Old 03-26-2005, 03:22 AM   #3
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    unsureat22 HB User
    Re: Bipolar?Borderline? CONFUSED!!

    Not wanting to get close to people doesn't sound borderline to me. Borderlines swing between pushing people away and then pleading not to be abandoned. But straight up just isolating yourself from others is more anti-borderline than borderline because borderlines generally don't take solitude too well. Their "pushing away' is usually a technique to force people into showing how much they are cared about. But simply isolating yourself and being alone isn't borderline at all.

    Also, there is a world of difference between bipolar disorder type 2 and borderline personality disorder. Many people who otherwise qualify for bipolar disorder type 1 are diagnosed type 2 because they are rapid cycling. I have mixed states and true manic states (as opposed to mere hypomanic) where I'd become delusional but I was diagnosed as type 2 because I am rapid cycler (I can cycle a few times a week). Borderlines tend to have mood swings that occur much more than a few times a week, sometimes in hours or even minutes.

    Also, because borderline personality disorder is a personality disorder drugs can't cure it, can only help with certain symptoms. On the other hand, if you have bipolar disorder and find the right medication, your symptoms can be basically eradicated (if you stay on the meds, that is). You might get side effects but a lot of the problems will go away. BPD doesn't have a medication that will, in one fell swoop, eradicate all the symptoms because a lot of the symptoms are PRODUCED by the borderline's world view and the way they percieve reality on many levels, as opposed to a relatively simple biochemical imbalance. Also, the beliefs and statements of people with bipolar versus bpd are pretty different.

    I have cut before but it wasn't for pain relief but to get high, and sometimes when I was manic I would pretend I was a mad scientist and go a little too far. The rationale was related to delusions (that my blood had poison in it, that I was becoming holier with the shedding of blood, etc) from the the mania and lack of sleep while borderlines don't have the same beliefs but will cut for attention (to show people they hurt) or to punish themselves, etc... I don't cut anymore now that i am on lithium. And you can cut and not be borderline or have bipolar. There are a lot of other conditions, such as schizophrenia and OCD that will induce cutting, but the nature of it is different.

    Self injury induced by delusions tends to be much more severe. I have almost had my arm amputated due to going too far and I felt no pain because I wasn't really sane at the time. castrations and ennucleations and those types of severe wounds (cutting to the bone or cutting that requires surgery) are usually more indicative of people with psychotic breaks. Most borderlines I know don't go to THIS extreme.

    And Borderlines generally can't go 10 days drawing pictures for a "super underground vagrant city" that they truly believe (at the time) will take off. They don't get manic. Mania can and often is a break with reality, psychosis, such as believing one is the reincarnation of Beethoven and will learn to play master concertos in less than 24 hours. When I am manic I seem more schizophrenic than any other condition. Borderlines, on the other hand, aren't usually delusional. They are just very different conditions. I had a neighbor that was borderline and our behavior was totally different. If I cut I'd do it alone, collect the blood for "medical experiments", etc then keep the wound clean and hidden. She'd cut and come show me and cry that she was going to kill herself if I left.

    Have a nice day.

    P.S. If you want a movie about bipolar, rent "Mr. Jones" with Richard Gere. That kind of sums it up.

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