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  • What on earth is wrong with my head?

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    Old 02-24-2005, 10:59 AM   #1
    punkrokchk2000
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    What on earth is wrong with my head?

    Well here goes nothing. I think this is going to be a long post, so please bear with me.

    I'm a 22 year old female...and have always thought that there was a problem with me, but have never been able to place it...or I just shrugged it off, blaming myself...telling myself I would just *change*.

    A few nights ago I was watching an episode entitled "Revenge" on the Discovery Channel. It deals with certain personality disorders and such...and my goodness a light went on inside my mind when they began talking about one woman in particular that had borderline personality disorder. I thought to myself - oh my God. All these years...it's all making perfect sense now! But I'm still not sure, I have conflicting thoughts in my mind - one side is telling me, "god, it's so obvious"...and the other is telling me it's nothing, that it's just normal mood swings that everybody gets.

    Yes, I had a traumatic childhood. While my mother was pregnant with me (she was 18) she dropped acid once and smoked for a short period of time. As young as 1 or 2, I can still remember my real father yelling at my mother. He abused her, hit her, cheated on her. When I was 2 I fell face first on a sea-saw and knocked out my 4 front teeth...had to get stiches - and my mom went out partying that night because she couldn't handle being with me because she felt so bad for me. She left my real father and married another man (who I consider to be my daddy) when I was 5. They drank heavily, partied... and when my dad drank hard alcohol he became enraged with jealousy and he would raise his voice and scream things at her. Them having sex in the next room didn't go unnoticed, either - I'd cry myself to sleep listening to them do it...forcing the pillow over my ears. I don't know why I cried.

    I was teased, belittled...even beaten at one point when I was 7 or 8. All by peers, mind you. They would make fun of me, make me do things I didn't want to do...like go bobbing for apples in a bucket where one of the boys peed in it. They would choke me, ask me if I wanted to be "humped". I was only 7 years old...

    At 10 we moved to Germany and I made a friend. A horrible friend. It was like she had a personality disorder, too...one minute we'd be best friends, othertimes she'd think she was too good for me. They were our landlords and we lived in the lower half of the house (seperate apartments, basically). Inside there was a stairwell that would lead from our door to their foyer. Often I'd eavesdrop to see if she ever said bad things about me to her mother - which she did. I guess that's when the trust thing started...I would even sneak a peak at her diary to see if she had written anything bad about me. God, what is wrong with me. I even remember one time sneaking into their house to see if she had anything laying around that would indicate that she hated me. Oh wow - I had totally forgotten about that until just now. And that was over 10 years ago! At 11 and 12 I was a total tomboy. Going exploring by myself...playing in the creek...building treehouses...going nextdoor to the dairy farm and playing in the pigpen (literally)...

    At the age of 13 I finally started making real friends...I would still be the person everybody made fun of, but in a nicer way....like, "ooh, we're just kidding." I guess I opened myself up because of the way I acted. I tried being "cool" by pretending to smoke and drink. I just wanted people to accept me I guess. I didn't care at that point in my life about looking attractive or anything. I was one of the guys. From then on my life got better...at 16 I moved to Montana...was a TOTAL outcast. Flew back to Germany that summer to visit my friends and I had sex for the first time - raped by a good friend of mine. (some friend, huh) Raped in the sense that I was drunk and I couldn't move my body and I kept saying "no... nooo, please don't." Even had a "boyfriend" at the time that I met over the internet. Ugh, I gotta shorten this up. Senior year in Montana - started drinking and had sex with a guy from my class. It was dumb. Planned, and just really really stupid. We weren't even dating. I guess in my mind I just wanted to be accepted by my peers. All the while I portrayed a bubbly, happy personality. I crammed the years of my life into the back of my mind so that I wouldn't pull the pitty trip anymore. All the people told my parents what a happy, cheerful girl I was...

    Anyway - summer before college started in 2000 I was bad. Hung out with the wrong crowd - drank very heavily the day before my 18th birthday and ended up sleeping with a firefighter that was 10 years older than me. Don't ask me why - it hurt like hell. Don't ask me why I did it again 2 days later. He left, I went to college...did very well in school - started smoking pot and even had a threesome (sort of) with a a guy friend and a girl. No intercourse, but lots of other stuff. I met my first "real" boyfriend in Oct. He would change my life completely.

    We started off as just stoners/drinkers that had constant sex. I kept pressing him...asking him if there was more there. Eventually we started officially dating. He told me he loved me over instant messenger. He started manipulating me, telling me not to wear make-up, I wasn't aloud to hang out with friends...wear white t-shirts...the list goes on. I dropped out of school for him, because he didn't want me talking to other guys. I started going along with it, expecting it to be normal or something. I stopped talking to anybody alltogether, in fear that he would break up with me. I moved in with him that Spring. He'd go out with his friends and I'd be at home doing nothing. I wasn't aloud to have friends. I became very depressed...I read my journal now and think back to how stupid I was. I became very clingy - maybe because I had no more friends. I broke off all ties - even to my parents. I love my parents to death - and they kept telling me to leave, but I couldn't. I couldn't move back in with my parents, no way. So I stayed. I started losing trust in him. He'd stay out till 3, 4...once he didn't even come home at all. I was worried sick - couldn't sleep...and every time a car drove by my heart would skip. I began looking through his things to find something. I don't know what - old pictures of him and his ex girlfriends...I don't know what I was looking for. I found notes and pictures...I started looking at the history on the computer - he was checking porn sites and emailing his exgirlfriend. She came back to town. Ugh - I have to shorten this up. I moved out that Winter...and finally broke up with him in April after a councelor told me I was in an abusive relationship. I tried leaving him in several occasions, but he always pleaded that I should stay with him. He never hit me or anything...but I contacted the exgirlfriend he had been emailing and stuff, and she told me that they had been sleeping together for 10 months. How exciting. I was irrate, confronted him...told his new girlfriend. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish. I had 3 one night stands that summer...I was so empty and depressed...yet free at the same time. I cried twice.

     
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    Old 02-24-2005, 11:01 AM   #2
    punkrokchk2000
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    Re: What on earth is wrong with my head?

    Finally went back to school to finish my degree...the day before school started I went out and had a one night stand with a guy...gave me herpes. I was down for a week, but told myself I wasn't going to let it get to me. I met a guy, was confident this time - not too clingy and needy...but we just had sex, nothing more. (I told him I had herpes before, and he told me it was ok.) There was no mental connection, and he didn't like being seen in public with me (which I have no idea why)...After like 3 months I asked him one day, "Jeff, I just want to know if we're exclusive or not" (because I saw a used condom in his garbage one day)...and he said, "shannon, we need to talk". Woohoo. I cried, asking myself if there was something wrong with me. I'm an attractive girl...bilingual...going to college...and I had had one real boyfriend in my life. And he cheated on me with SEVERAL girls. So I graduated college...

    Got a job, lived with 5 other people...partied a lot....turned 21...drank a lot...went to a lot of bars...did things I'm not proud of...and then BAM! I meet the man of my dreams. Long story short - he moved to seattle and I followed 2 months later. I left all my friends and family behind to start a new life. I stopped drinking, and landed a GREAT job.

    Now I'm stuck again. I mean - really stuck. We are definitely unstable. Our relationship story is long, so I'll just make it short - I broke up with him at first because I was scared of being hurt again. And I had herpes and I didn't know if he'd still want to be with me. I did perform oral sex on him...and then I broke up with him...and I got an email from him 2 weeks later telling me I gave him herpes...blah. He visited Missoula and we met up again...I felt so bad, didn't know I had oral herpes. We started hanging out - at this point I stopped drinking...and thanked God that this man was giving me another chance. I never did anything to break his trust. So I moved out to Seattle. My stepsisters are out here. My boyfriend and I have the greatest passion and love to give oneanother I've ever seen. But our relationship is such a rollercoaster. He says I'm high maintenenced...he's depressed and never wants to do anything. He mopes around, constantly telling me that I'm going to leave him because of it. He constantly brings up my past and how he couldn't be with someone that lived that kind of a lifestyle...I bring up one exboyfriend and he gets angry... we both have jealousy issues. One minute I'm telling myself I need to make friends, and the next I'm catching myself going crazy because he wants to do his own thing. I just get so scared that I'm pushing him away. Last night he told me he didn't tell me he loved me that often anymore...and he responded, with a smile, "that's because you're too high maintenenced and you'll never be completely satisfied"...and then he said he was joking, but I could tell there was some truth behind it. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

    He quit his job last friday because he hated it. He's 28 and has soo much experience, but no college degree. I tell him to go back to school, and he says he wants to... But he's not motivated to do anything. He's a procrastinator, and he's late...and he says he'll call but then doesn't. We live in a studio apartment, maybe that's a problem? He says I'm a slob (which is true)...but I don't know.

    While I'm writing all this I'm thinking it's all my fault, and my boyfriend tells me it's not my fault - but it's *us* together that's the problem. I ask him if I'm too clingy, and he tells me no, I could never be too clingy. He's also a hypochondriac... and he's lost all faith in doctors. He tested negative for hsv-2, but positive for hsv-1...he's had zits here and there under his belly button and constant headaches and dizziness - and I don't know what from, and neither does he. He took valtrex and acyclovir for over a month and nothing happened. He had a physical and they say he's becoming diabetic. He hasn't changed his eating habits...we both have gained weight since we've been here in seattle. We're both so strung out it seems. The other night I mentioned a movie I thought that I had seen with him in my old apartment in Montana, and he said it must have been with another guy. I said no...we were laying in bed together and he say "F-You"...and he didn't let me finish. I was SO mad, and yelled at him IT WASN'T WITH ANOTHER GUY and said some swear words to myself and rolled over and gave him the cold shoulder that night. The next morning I felt bad and was having a battle in my mind on whether or not I should apologize...I caressed his face and he didn't wake up and I got mad (don't ask me why)...and I left. I didn't hear from him all day and I got so worried...I thought it was over...I was freaking out... then I got home almost got in an accident (I have bad road rage...) I cut a guy off and changed lanes immediately to get out of his way and he honked at me...I was so scared, but yelling "F-You" really loud...pulled into our parking lot and they followed me...All the while I was thinking "if he's not home when I get home then it wasn't meant to be" kind of thing. *ugh* What is my deal, right? The people that I cut off followed me...but then turned around. Heart pounding I opened the door, but he wasn't there. No note, no nothing. I was scared. Lonely...felt empty. I cried and yelled out loud, what did I ever do??

    I thought of leaving myself, to scare him or something...but of course I couldn't do that - that would be too childish. I stayed at home and played on the internet...and my mood changed. I became content again. My boyfriend came home and said two words to me. We laid down and watched that show on the personality disorder... He then asked me if I thought that he was mad at me...I was shaking...crying...didn't know what to do if he broke up with me because I don't know anybody in the city and I'm scared because he really is the best thing that has happened to me - ever. We've even talked about marriage... But then we talked it out...and it was ok. He gets so frustrated and he's depressed...and he's on Acycolvir. We haven't had sex in over a month because I have HSV-2 and he doesn't want to contract it. I told him I could wait, but not forever. Making love is a huge thing for me...it just signifies the close, intimate bond we have...and it's great excercise. *grins*

     
    Old 02-24-2005, 11:02 AM   #3
    punkrokchk2000
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    Re: What on earth is wrong with my head?

    But anyway...I got home last night and we wrestled around on the bed, and I was soo happy. I mean - really happy. I wish every day could be like that...but then he grabs his head and says "god, my head is killing me"...when his mood does a nosedive I try to cheer him up. And if I can't, I get upset and quiet. And then he apologizes for being down, and I say "it's ok"...really...don't apologize. So it's this crazy rollercoaster of ups and downs. Should I be on medication? I woke up this morning and he left me a note that said "I love you babe"....it made me so happy...but then I thought about my problem. why am i so self centered....

    I don't understand...is it because I have no friends? I don't know how to go about making new friends, and I'm not that motivated *ugh*. We're moving closer to Seattle come April...I'm excited. I don't want him to leave me because of my crazy mood swings...I don't throw anything...I'm not violent. I just get down...and I get up. We talk on messenger at work...and I get so frustrated with him because it takes him forever to respond sometimes...I know I shouldn't look too much into it because chatting doesn't really show emotion. I know...I'm a virgo - maybe I worry too much? Or maybe it's the full moon. *ugh* I have to get back to work.

    Any opinions would be really really really appreciated...

     
    Old 02-24-2005, 09:23 PM   #4
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    Re: What on earth is wrong with my head?

    WoW chick, ya sound not so far distant from my life story,,(though i never got into the drink/drug/herpie thing,,hehe) But the nature of this relationship your in. Now, through 2 wonderful kids, many animals, and 38 years of life together, i must say our relationship grew into a strong, and loving life. Rough start for sure, and he was the one carousing around in his younger years putting me into much of the same frame of mind your in. For us though, it was his stopping his self medicating that changed things for us. yes, i have my issues,( my disorders), but we made it and he is still supportive of my "issues" Best to you! Keep open to change for the better, and be as kind as you can stur up

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 08:21 AM   #5
    punkrokchk2000
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    Re: What on earth is wrong with my head?

    Aw, Phobic.... you really did make my Friday!

    Thank you so much for your support - it's always great to hear about others out there that you can relate to. You have no idea how happy I am - my boyfriends medications are kicking in or something because he's been in SUCH a great mood lately (which reflects onto me, I guess). When he's in a crappy mood I try to cheer him up, but when that doesn't work...*ugh*...I wallow in my self pitty. *grins* I know it's not fair, but it's just something that comes naturally to me.

    Anywho - hope you have a great weekend...and thanks for brightening my day!


     
    Old 02-25-2005, 07:31 PM   #6
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    Re: What on earth is wrong with my head?

    It is nice to know someone relates huh Well, i thought of you today while my hubby and i were out riding our bikes through town. We had stopped to "people watch" and i was looking at him and being so glad we had struggled through the hard times. Well, then i kind of craked up cause i was thinking of, how his moods STILL effect mine Oh, i can still have a bad mood all on my own but i can only have good moods so long as he does too..ohhhhh, that still makes me mad at myself but like you said, it's just what ya do. So, anyway, i was thinking of what i could tell you to help you to have your very own happy moods, but danged if i could find the answer..That's not even funny, but it is making me chuckle right now cause im here in my 50's, and your such a youngen, and yet i still havnt conquered that prob. I have ocd, and general anxiety dissorder so i have to carry every emotion of mine AND his to the max...sucks!! But i can say, that in the year that i have finally been diaganosed with this, i have learned much more control, and here is what i wish for you. Some peace within your self so that his moods do not have to tear you up too. How to do that i dont know yet, but i hope for you, you can keep searching for strength in your own self, to not head for the dumps when he does, cause soon enough, he'll pull himself out and things will be fine again. Somehow, these guys are weeker than us and need our strengths help to bring them "out of it", not join them "in it". (dont know if im making sense, but i mean well ) Im so glad your happy right now, and isnt it neat when they say "love ya babe" I still love that

     
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