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  • My emotions....how it feels to have bpd...sigh

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    Old 07-17-2005, 09:38 PM   #1
    *Versailles*
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    Unhappy My emotions....how it feels to have bpd...sigh

    For all those out there who deal with bpd everyday, my heart goes out to you...whether formally diagnosed or not. I just wanted to share my feelings with you...so here is some of my writing.

    Dear friend,
    I love you and need you,
    But I cannot trust you.

    Iím sorry to say,
    That my heart is too broken,
    To get close to you.

    I want to be with you,
    And tell you how I feel,
    But I canít talk to you.

    I want to go hang out with you,
    And have some fun together,
    But I canít find the courage to have fun with you.

    I want to hug you,
    And show you my love,
    But Iím afraid to touch you.

    I want to let you,
    Have your space,
    But I canít leave you.

    I want to let you,
    Go away, when you need to go,
    But I canít lose you.

    I want to be happy,
    And show you my happiness,
    But Iím afraid to express that to you.

    I want to cry,
    In front of you,
    But I canít show my sadness to you.

    I want to be with you forever,
    And be your friend,
    But I canít, I must go.

    Sorry to disappoint you,
    I know youíll be sad,
    But when Iím gone,
    Youíll find someone else,
    Better than me,
    And youíll be glad.

     
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    Old 07-22-2005, 06:39 PM   #2
    daqa
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    Re: My emotions....how it feels to have bpd...sigh

    that was very sad it brought tears to my eyes.it is so true.that's what I feel like every day.

     
    Old 07-23-2005, 10:53 AM   #3
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    Re: My emotions....how it feels to have bpd...sigh

    Same here that is me in a nutshell. I hate this,I can totally relate.Its horrible.

     
    Old 07-23-2005, 11:41 AM   #4
    8alteredegos
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    Re: My emotions....how it feels to have bpd...sigh

    Oh DarkAngel, after reading your poem I just wanted to reach out to you. I've felt that way before too. It's such a hard space to be in for I know from personal experience. It reminds me of the writings and poems I wrote over the years. I want to find them so I can share them with you- you are not alone. I can say this from experience:IT DOES GET BETTER EVENTIALLY! It takes time and hard work. It is well worth the rewards. I am not rich financially- I don't have many material things. I don't own a home or a car; not even a cell phone! I never owned a home, but I did have all of the other objects I mentioned above and more:due to my mental illness I lost them all. I even lost custody of my children. Worst of all, I lost myself. I am glad I didn't give up the hope of having a better life. When my hope and worth was weak or not there at all I borrowed it from those who believed in me and thought I was worth helping. Today is beyond my wildest dreams. I say this because at one point in my life I wasn't sure if I wanted to be alive. Shrinks said I would never mentally be functional enough to live outside of a State Mental Institution. There were other people in my life that felt and thought differently than those shrinks. Those are the people I kept in my life and as scared as I was to let them into my world- I let them in- little by little very slowly. So, several years later here I am living outside of a mental institution. I share a two bedroom apartment with another person who happens to be bi-polar. I applied for supportive housing through our county mental health association and that's how I got to where I live today.I only pay 30% of my monthly income which isn't a lot. So this is a great deal! My roomate is nice and we get along which is the main thing in these kind of living setups. We don't have the same diagnosis, but we are learning a lot from eachother. Back to how I lost all those things and now the reason why I believe I have a great life today: I have a great relationship with my children. They still don't live with me and it hurts, but we are very close. My daughter is driving now and my son just got his permit and this gives them the freedom to visit me more often.We live 45 minutes away from eachother. Out of all the things I lost I got back the most important of all-MYSELF. Having myself and the close relationship with my kid's is BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS! I hope you can take this as an inspiration. If I can get better, anyone can can! And I was a mess!!! Anytime you need an ear I am here.
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    Old 03-11-2007, 10:46 AM   #5
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    Re: My emotions....how it feels to have bpd...sigh

    thats a beautiful poem that i can totally relate to x

     
    Old 06-08-2007, 09:15 AM   #6
    blue712
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    Re: My emotions....how it feels to have bpd...sigh

    yes. i believe you summed bpd up pretty well in your poem. that was me exactly when i was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend. and of course my family and friends.

     
    Old 06-08-2007, 08:33 PM   #7
    trg247
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    Re: My emotions....how it feels to have bpd...sigh

    well written. good job

    take care
    trg247
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    Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
    Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
    Borderline Personality Disorder
    Generalized Anxiety Disorder

    Current Meds
    Pristiq
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    Temazapam

     
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