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    Old 12-08-2005, 05:40 PM   #1
    marysmile
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    Lightbulb BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    Hi, I have BPD and am 34 years old. I've been reading a book called Borderline and Beyond by Laura Paxton and it seems to be very well written and a very good book. One of things I'd like to do is to share stories with someone who has emotional-mental backage that they would like to get rid of. I think if we share stories in a safe environment then we can help each other let go of the EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT to these issues and move on. Please "thread" back if interested...

     
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    Old 12-21-2005, 07:31 PM   #2
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    I don't have any stories,...but if you read "I hate you, don't leave me" -- it's a clear cut book that will make you really understand it to it's clarity.

    good luck,
    jen

     
    Old 12-21-2005, 09:50 PM   #3
    cappa
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    Former BPD girlfreind-dont want to lose her

    So here's a story for you to analyse, help me im in a rut

    I was going out for 2 years with a girl that i loved very much and who loved me very much and we both thought we'd be together forever. About 13months into the relationship she started to go through depression again in her life and was diagnosed with BPD and is still currently on antidepressents and seeing a psyc. I stuck by her through all the dark times and was there for her every step.

    Time went by and things changed. she olny wanted to concentrate on the fun and we hardly ever had time alone. Things went on then she gentley broke things away. She said she didn't want to break up with me but she needed to get back up on her own feet, and she didnt want the foreverness and thats what was "masking" her and she needed to find herself. She said that if she could put me on hold she would but knew it was wrong. It was all to soon for her.

    I understood this but i still had have hope of getting back together. She is seeing a psyc and on antidepressents as am i. Although i dont think a have BPD.

    She never rings me anymore and ignores my phonecalls and messeges. She rarely talks to me and when we do we end up arguing. There is no reason for her to be so mean to me sometimes but she is. She's hanging out with weirdo's and im scared she will be ruined. Its strange because she says she misses me but hardly calls. But when she calls me she's really nice and we can have nice chats. She says she wants freinds. Things get better for a bit then they collapse and im left feeling abandoned and depressed. Im still have love for her even though she pushes me away. I never saw this in her, she was a sweet girl.

    She has started seeing other guys but doesn't want to tell me that she is. She is always hiding, i would never do anything to hurt her but she is hurting me. I dont want to let her go...i miss her

    Im fining things really hard at the moment especially around christmas time. Im seeing her christmas eve.

    WHAT DO I DO...? PLEASE some1 give me some advice

     
    Old 12-22-2005, 03:53 PM   #4
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    Thumbs up Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    Well Cappa, I can feel your pain and so my boyfriend!!! He was in a similar situation as you. He loved me and all I was doing was screaming at him and pushing him away, we had been dating for years, then this past February, I broke up with him. I realized 2 months later that I wanted to work things out, so we got back together, it took me about 3 weeks to believe that he loved me and Ithought we would live happily ever after.......

    And that's when it hit me!!!!!!!!! All the feelings of worthlessness and shame and emptiness that I had been hiding for years on and off (I thought everyone felt this ******) finally came into my head and I was FORCED to deal with them. The reason I think all my masks came off is I realized my boyfriend really did love me and only wanted to be with me. And that's the damndest thing about being BP, we can't believe that someone really cares about us, because deep down inside, we have an empty core.....we truly don't believe in ourselves and even though we can seem to be optomistic, deep down we are hanging on to every pessimistic feeling that we've thought up on our own or have been thrown on us from abuse.

    The best thing that I can tell you to do is to help her face herself. AND THAT MIGHT TAKE AWHILE. TO FACE THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM IS HALF THE BATTLE AND IT'S DEFINITELY TRUE FOR BP's.

    So, keep calling her and telling her you love her, not in a stalking way, but just tell her that she IS LOVED and IS IMPORTANT enough to wait for, tell her these things often. It important to have that repetition , because we have so much trouble believing in OURSELVES and it's almost impossible to believe other people (unless of course, it's something negative.) This is why BP's are so sensitive in any abusive/confrontation situation. Not that anyone likes to be abused, but to us, it's MUCH more devastating.... sooner or later you be able will brake thru her monsterous barriers.......and then she can begin to heal and someone who loves her (YOU!!!!!!!) will be able to help her. Please keep me updated with your progress, and I can keep you updated with mine, if you want me to. Take Care

     
    Old 12-23-2005, 02:23 AM   #5
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    Thankyou for replying, u sound like a helpful person

    I notice some important keywords in ure explanation: "empty core". J (im going to use this as her name ) was feeling quite empty when we where together, and i gave her something to live for, some worth and she loved me dearly for this. I made her feel wanted and loved.

    She broke away to see who she was, now i find out she's dating another guy, she says they both don't know if its serious but im so hurt...so so sad. This wasn't expected so soon.

    I hope we can still be mutual because at the moment things are bad. She was helpful through early stages of break up, letting me cry to her and holding me, not just abandoning me.

    Im seeing her for Christmas tonight, even though i think she doesn't want to see me. I havent seen her for months

    I have to get stronger


    How are you coping anyway?

     
    Old 12-23-2005, 01:08 PM   #6
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    Coping.....day by day, lol. Slowly but surely letting go of all the meotional attachments that I have on old issues that have been plaguing me for years. All with the love of a good man.

    When my boyfriend and I were broken up I was dating another guy. When we got back together I told him about that. If I had been younger (let's say early twenties) I would have CALLED him as soon as I starting dating somone else, to make the hurt deeper to him. Almost like I would be saying "Look the years with you were nothing, I'm with someone else, you hate me now don't you, DON'T YOU".

    It seemed that when someone loves us, we do everything to prove them wrong in their love for us. That's why we end up with jerks that don't treat us right, cause they answer so quickly to that empty core.

    The best thing I can tell you when you see her is to yes, stay strong, even though I'm sure it's so painful to you.....b/c BP are feeling pain inside 24/7, others feelings don't matter, cause we feel that we KNOW pain, you don't (stupid and selfish, i know)

    When you see her, tell her with a smile and with all the love you have in your heart for her, how much you care for her and that you wish her well. The fact that you won't back down from that empty core might show her that she do the same. That's basically what my boyfreind did even though I didn't know it at the time (the BP i mean). He just kept calling here and there, telling me that he loved me and he that he cared so much about me. She'll probably look at you confused, thinking that you would be gone by now. Let me know if she reacts that way.....

    Maybe i'm playing psychology w/o a license and giving you too much non-certified advice, let me know if that is so. I hope you have a very Mery Christmas.......Mary

     
    Old 12-29-2005, 03:57 AM   #7
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    i am starting to realise that for J to realise she must break away from our strong love relationship must have been a very difficult decision for her to make in order for herself to grow stronger.

    Ive decided not to stand in her way of becoming a stronger girl and that i can't be seeing her and telling her i love her all the time. If and when i do see her, i will be a supporting and caring person, but i need to grow stronger in order to be able to be that person. Right now im not over our break up.

    She knows i still love her, and i know she still cares for me, and i believe that in time we may become better people. But the worst thing i can do is persist with her, as this will pressure her and push her even further away.

    Time will tell. I must be strong.

     
    Old 12-29-2005, 04:04 AM   #8
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    i am starting to realise that for J to realise she must break away from our strong love relationship must have been a very difficult decision for her to make in order for herself to grow stronger.

    Ive decided not to stand in her way of becoming a stronger girl and that i can't be seeing her and telling her i love her all the time. If and when i do see her, i will be a supporting and caring person, but i need to grow stronger in order to be able to be that person. Right now im not over our break up.

    She knows i still love her, and i know she still cares for me, and i believe that in time we may become better people. But the worst thing i can do is persist with her, as this will pressure her and push her even further away.

    Time will tell. I must be strong.

     
    Old 12-29-2005, 10:57 AM   #9
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    Hi Marysmile,

    I've enjoyed reading your advice. I think I've pretty much been implementing it with my husband. In spite of his false accusations and his "you don't care about me" attitude, I continue to trudge on...doing things for him out of love and, of course, always saying it. This has been ongoing for me for almost two years now. We do not live together...for a variety of reasons...his verbal abuse, financial wrecklessness/secretiveness and horrible housekeeping being the primary reasons.

    I speak to him daily - either when we spend time together or on the phone. I always offer positive comments and try to acknowledge his feelings, such as when he's had a bad day at work. I no longer focus on the 'drama' with him. I do tell him it must have been awful for him and ask him how he plans to handle it...I pretty much only offer advice when he asks for it. I stop by with carryout and pitch in with laundry, etc. Most would find these to be acts of love, yet with my husband they never seem to 'stick' for long. He will go through a spell of not speaking to me, often for reasons unknown to me for up to a month and then he will eventually tell me the reason. The last time this happened, he accused me of talking to his friend behind his back - and that never happened. Later he said he knew it had not happened but was setting a 'psychological trap' for me. I don't know what that means.

    Anyhow, do you have any idea as to how long it takes for someone with BPD to realize that someone truly does love and care about them? I'm sure there's no standard time-frame, but a rough idea will certainly help. Sometimes I feel myself growing frustrated - as though there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

    Scared Wife

     
    Old 12-30-2005, 01:16 PM   #10
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    GLd to hear from Cappa and Good Luck, please keep me posted!!

     
    Old 12-30-2005, 01:27 PM   #11
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    Hi Scared Wife,

    I was really thinking hard about your question, how long will it take for him to realize how much you love him? Wow, that's a tough one!!

    I can't really give you a time table, even if I knew you and your husband personally.

    But thinking back to my own experience, when I would get mad and scream and yell and accuse my boyfriend of not loving me, he kept sticking with me, until he just got so frustrated at me (he is a very patient person by nature) that he cried and tell me that it hurt him to much to talk to me and he felt that all I wanted him to do was to tell ME that he didn't care about me anymore. Like I was just wating for him to dumped me and tell me that he didn't really love me. It hurt hit so much.

    He said that he couldn't do that, BUT that if all I was going to do was call him and accuse him of not loving me (I used many more expletives when we spoke on the phone ) then he couldn't be around me anymore, and that's what helped bring me to the half way point where I finally realized that I did have a lot of life coping issues---aka BPD.

    Try that with your husband, I mean you have been obviously sooooo patient, maybe you need to tell him that if his behavior continues you can't let it disrupt and ruin your life. That if he is ready to CALMLY and RATIONALLY talk to you then you have a starting point......that's best I can think of, let me know what you think and if this helps....Love, Mary

     
    Old 12-30-2005, 09:55 PM   #12
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    hey marysmile,
    Im interested in ur post cause i know how hard it is to let go of little things that dissrupt the flow of ur normal being, and can ruin ur day if u let ur mind run thinking about an event that may of never occured. Drop me a post if u r interested in talking more-we may be able to help each other out.

     
    Old 01-01-2006, 08:39 PM   #13
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    Hey Benny84, That's for your post. Most of the emotional attachments that I still "have" in my head are from youth and adolescence. Nothing seemed to go well back then, lol. I had a high IQ but I was very weak on the idea of get along, go along. The Coping Skills just weren't there. I finally was able to realize that in my late 20's, but I still really had trouble letting go of so much pain.

    Borderline to me seems to be part nature, the parts your born with, good and bad, weak and strong. The other part is the environment you were brought up in. Was it positive, loving, nurturing, etc. OR was the opposite??

    I've noticed that a lot of the issues and situations that I seemed to have locked in my head are dissipated when I talk about them, because it brings that into present context. I think this is a key.

    Sometimes I can talk directly to the person who hurt me, the person responsible for shame, and release the pain that way. Sometimes I can talk to my girlfriends and /or boyfriend about certin situations and they help put the pain into perspective........but there are some things that seem to be easier to talk about with strangers, well strangers that have the same feelings and understand that I do. That's what I'm talking about

    Is this along the lines of what you are thinking...or am I way off???? Let me know

     
    Old 01-04-2006, 07:22 AM   #14
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    Hi Marysmile,

    Thanks for responding to me. Yes, I have been EXTREMELY patient with my husband, Frank. Since the last 'silent treatment' that lasted for a month (the entire month of September), things have been stable. Yet I keep waiting for that shoe to drop without warning at any given moment.

    I go out of my way to show love for him and feel like I'm CONSTANTLY trying to prove how much I care about him. It lasts for a time and then whammo - something happens and I usually have no idea what that something even is. He often tells me that he does these things to teach me a lesson and that it's for my own good. That makes me angry and maybe one day I need to express that anger and frustration as you indicate. I always tiptoe, trying not to make things even worse. That's something I know that I need to work on myself.

    It gets very tiresome and frustrating having to continually prove to Frank what others can see so easily. Not many people would continue to be loving and supportive of someone who continually picks fights and verbally/emotionally abuses them. Yet I strive on anyway because I do love the man that I know he's capable of being.

    Thanks again for the advice. I've been told to quit being so 'helpful' to him with things such as housekeeping, laundry, etc., to force him to be more responsible for himself. I'm sort of a caretaker by nature, so that's a hard transition for me but it's one I've been working on. For one thing, I know it's important for both of us that he learn to take care of himself. Another reason is that I'm tired of my help not being very appreciated for any given length of time. Am I taking the right approach?

    Thanks,
    Scared Wife

     
    Old 01-04-2006, 07:50 AM   #15
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    Re: BPD-share stories with me - help each other

    Hi ~ I am new to this board and have been reading quite a bit. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

    I have BPD. At first, I didn't want to believe it and didn't. But now I have come to realize that it isn't just one more fatal flaw. (Because to me, as a BPD, I am completely flawed.) Someone used the phrase "empty core" and I think that is a good description.

    I have been told ever since I can remember that I am "too thin-skinned", "overly sensitive", and "fly off the handle" too easily. I think I have internalized every negative and abusive thing said and done to me ~ it is like I cannot forget it, get past it, not believe it, whatever. As I child I wished I was "Sally". It was my big fantasy; if only I could be "Sally". (Now of course, I am so very happy that I am not her!)

    I am trying to recover with therapy and medications. This has not been easy.

    My husband tells me that I have ruined his life, the past 10 years have been hell and I am the one with the problem, not him. One day he seems to be supportive, the next, he wants a divorce. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. We are both going to counselling together, so maybe we can heal together. I don't know; I just keep working towards feeling better about myself one day at a time. And it is so hard.

    I have noticed this: I am perimenopausal. Right before my periods, I usually have an "episode". Any little thing will set me off and I will rage. I will threaten to leave. Could this be partly hormonal? Is that why more women have it than men?

    I am trying to learn what appropriate anger is. And how to appropriately express it. And for me, that is so very difficult as I grew up with a BPD Mother and a controlling, "workaholic" Father.

    Any insight and stories from other recovering BPD's would be appreciated by me.
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    Last edited by TinHeart; 01-04-2006 at 07:50 AM.

     
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