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  • I've become a bit of a wreck..

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    Old 12-22-2005, 03:08 AM   #1
    CerebralChaos
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    I've become a bit of a wreck..

    I don't know what's wrong with me. But, quite frankly, I'm getting really sick of myself, so any insight would help, so that if there is something wrong I know where to begin. I just recently realized that, yes, there may actually well be something that should be fixed. But since I'm a bit of a hermit, I may not have as much perspective as to what behavior is acceptable/health and what isn't, so. I'm a 16 year old female. Here's a list of some things:

    -Major depression. For about.. 4 years now, I think. It seems to happen in cycles, and I can go from extremely depressed to ecstatic in less than a minute. The extreme happiness is very rare, but when it happens, it lasts for a few hours, and it's all very uncharacteristic of me--- singing, even leaping around, babbling happily, full of energy despite my perpetual sleep deprivation. But, because it's so random, it's very bothersome. It affects my work at school greatly. Getting out of bed is an enormous effort, especially since I also have chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm not suicidal, but I've developed an extreme distaste for my body in general--- not because of how it looks, but because I find it an unnacceptable representation of my existence. I've spent hours just staring at my reflection, motionless and completely baffled because it seems so foreign and out of place. This caused me to go through episodes of starvation until I realized it was futile.
    -For the past four years my legs have been a scabby mess. I constantly pick at them, digging my nails into them, and so it often causes a bit of bleeding. While I'm picking, I'm almost in a hypnotic state. Like my mind is blank and calm.
    -Not sure how to describe this.. But I've been developing "rules" of sorts. Almost like superstitions in ways. Example: Before going to bed, I MUST look over my left shoulder approximately 5 minutes before closing my eyes and going to sleep. If I delay it one bit, I feel something terrible will happen. Or I will assign rules to certain foods, objects, or daily tasks. Some I make up on the spot and some are much older. If these "rules" aren't followed there's either a consequence, or I just get very agitated and/or paranoid.
    -Speaking of paranoia. This part is a bit more rare for me, but when it happens, it's very bad. Last time, I thought my mom [who was sleeping] was plotting to kill me once I went to sleep. I was sure of it. I kept pacing, and I took out all the knives and took them with me to my room, locked myself in, and sat there until morning, and put it back hours later once I calmed down. I also get migraines. About 50% of the time, I make myself believe I have a brain tumor. I cry, I pace, I research things online and I'm generally just a nervous wreck when it happens.
    -I have no central sense of identity. It feels as though I'm deteriorating as a whole.
    -It's extremely difficult to sleep. I can't turn my mind off. The thoughts aren't even connected really, they're just very intense and all over the place. I'm often too afraid to even close my eyes because I begin to worry that something is hovering above me, or watching me somewhere.
    -Lately my vision has been a bit.. Skewed. I can see just fine, but now there's other things. So far it's been very subtle: an indian running in the carpet; somewhat bright, but very small bead-like things in the air, a huge amount of them all around, moving up and down in synchronization. When I try to touch them they move away, or sometimes form a shape/image, if they don't just do something different entirely. Sometimes they look like they're pulsating. I scarcely hear things though--- if I do, it's mostly just inside of my ear [but still startling and realistic]. Last time, it was an androgynous voice asking me, "Are you mechanical..?" while another said "Just stay put---" in the other ear. Once I heard a female scream [but it was very brief], and another very brief burst of laughter/giggling.

    Most of my family isn't aware of any of this. At all. My mom got a glimpse, because she caught me at 5 am one morning while I was curled in the corner of my room screaming and crying incoherently. I couldn't hold it in that particular day. But, ever since I remember, I've adapted a completely neutral, completely emotionless [unless I'm angry] person when I'm around them. I even make my voice monotone. When I was very young it was mostly out of fear--- I was petrified of my dad in ways, even though he was a perfectly good father. Sometimes I just chose to stay completely silent. Now, I've somewhat forgotten how to express myself through speech. I can make myself -sound- a certain way, but I've almost just forgotten how to function in any social setting. The last time I tried spending the night at someone's house, I felt very removed from the situation. It was confusing. I don't know how to emphathize or how to relate, and it makes it very difficult to make new friends.

    My mom forced me to go to a psychologist a few years ago, because she thought/saw I was depressed [but for all of the wrong reasons]. But I adapted the closed, emotionless persona there also. I had to take a few written tests, but I lied on all of them, choosing the options that I felt were most healthy and good so that I would be left alone. Still, I was prescribed Zoloft. It didn't make me feel any different. The last time I was seeing the psychologist, I became extremely angry and stormed out, locking myself in the car. I haven't been there since.

    Help? Sorry this is so long.. I really did try to summarize it though.

    Last edited by CerebralChaos; 12-22-2005 at 03:10 AM.

     
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