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trg247 11-05-2007 08:15 PM

Where I am at

I just spent the last month in the hospital and to put it lightly I am frustrated to put it best. I have had the borderline diagnosis for a long period of time but I guess it has become very evident to my doctor to what degree. I have difficulty communicating with people regarding the way I think, how I grew up and basically everything else so I decided to write it all out and gave it to him in a series of journals or homework as he referred it to. I understand I need help so that was the goal so I was completely honest and open with him (well to a point there is lines in my past that I won't cross for anyone at this point for whatever the reason). At the end of the month he said you are a textbook case of borderline which is interfering with the treatment of your other mental illnesses/diagnosis (severe major depressive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and generalized anxiety disorder). His grand plan is once the depression gets better the BPD will improve but my BPD is standing in the way of my depression treatment - I am confused. I wrote out a complete treatment plan that detailed what I needed to be done to get to a healthy or normal place but the mental health system up here is not equipped to handle some one of my needs. My body is covered with scars - a good percentage are from self harm, my head is going a million miles at once, I scan and read people to determine their "safety factor" and if they are not up to par I cut them out completely and I know I do this but I don't know how to stop, I also manipulate with the best of them to get to what I want but it is destroying the chance of getting what I need to heal, the second I think someone is becoming a threat I make them regret it which scares people right away then I turn around and realize what I have done and need their help but it is too late for the damage has been done. I was labeled as a difficult/ high security risk right from the get go and was treated as such. Now I am back home worse off then I was before knowing I need to do something but don't have a clue where to begin. I show up covered in new cuts and automatically I am trying to manipulate to get what I want or so they seem to believe - three cuts would be plenty to lay the ground work to manipulate thirty tell a whole different story or at least it should have. How am I suppose to get better when what seems the whole medical community is against me and just writes me off? My worst enemy is myself and I am all too aware of this but how do you convince your own brain that what you are thinking is wrong and go the other way? More pills thats what a month in the hospital got me and a doctor damn near spelling out that I am untreatable. Sorry for this rant


Pri Lily 11-05-2007 09:30 PM

Re: Where I am at

Were you in NB or P? Have you ever tried the Clarke in Toronto..they have forensic pdocs there.

You are not untreatable...that's a distortion. But they can only work with what you give them. And if you keep the big secret to yourself.........

You must know that borderline is hard to medicate, because its a personality disorder, not a mood disorder.

I can't go back and read all your 2700 give me a reader's digest version...

Whatever it is you're holding back is the key, and you know it.

I'm bpd too, and I don't scare easily....and you won't make me feel guilty, I guarantee it.

So, are you up for a little anonymous self help session?


Pri Lily 11-06-2007 08:41 AM

Re: Where I am at

I think you're pushing me I getting too close for comfort?


I know a number of people, who like you have suffered brutal abuse, of many types at the hands of family members, and others, who decided to have their way with them.

A couple of these abused people have gone on to do some very unacceptable things themselves. In the eyes of the law, they have done their time, but in their own mind, they will be in hell forever. A life sentence is 25 years in prison. It doesn't need to take that long to recover.

I know a woman....55 years old...brilliant woman.... was a professor of Law at an Ottawa university. Now she is housebound, debilitated with numerous physical disorders....has to have the Red Cross come in to care for her daily, and she can walk short distances with a walker. She suffered multiple types of abuse at the hands of her father...I think torture would better describe it.....her husband was a pdoc, and stripped her of every shred of dignity she had left. Again multiple types of torture.

Then, after she left the University because she wanted to help battered women, legally get away from their husbands.....she ended up getting raped by one of her client's husbands who was angry that she was helping his wife.

That was the end of her....she's been on disability for close to 20 years.

There's lots more I could tell you....if you want to know I will.

When one has been tortured, they may do things that are totally unacceptable....people wouldn't understand.....unless they have been there themselves.

Pdocs have all the theory....they don't have the experience. Your first step is to acknowledge what you are keeping a secret. Then start to recover from it...

I won't be surprised if you don't reply, but you need to take help, where you can get it, if you want to get this monkey off your back, and lead any kind of a normal life.


trg247 11-06-2007 10:06 AM

Re: Where I am at

I am barely awake so this might be a neat trick

Hospilizations - 2 months - in a local psych hospital - last month - general hospital - pscyh floor - both in Sudbury. ODSP funding and multiple diagnosis rule out majority of so called treatment centers. Classified as a high risk difficult patient

Current- severe MDD, BPD, PTSD, GAD- If I try to push past certain points it is answered with severe nightmares, flashbacks, depression and self harm goes through the roof

- Very aware of my thought process that seems to be set in stone due to keeping myself safe. If the safe button is triggered I completly shut down and/or send a meassage that person needs to go away

- Career is in helping others in a psychology based field or it was - taken off of work due to suicidal ideations, high stress, high anxiety

- Last relationship (six plus years in length) ended due to me being all over the map on a mental level and basically scared her off - we have a young son together

- trust is right tied into the safety factor so I don't trust anyone to a high degree

- Guilt factor- I don't have any ghosts in the closet that I am responsible for. I have ended a number of relationships not in a nice way in a verbal fashion to I guess ensure the person does not come back to try again. Once a person crosses that imagineary line they are completly cut out of my life and 99 out of 100 they stay away

- Doctors believe once the depression is ever in check the BPD will start to recede to a more manageable level

thanks for the response

Pri Lily 11-06-2007 05:32 PM

Re: Where I am at
Well, if you want me to go away, you're gonna have to say it.....I'm really awful at taking hints...are you?

You remind me of myself....the facts, ma'am, and just the facts. That's why Docs can't treat us....we rhyme off our psychiatric history, like it's a shopping list. No everything is fine. But (with me, anyway), I'm telling him how much I want to kill myself, and don't want to be here, etc......then they look at me all why aren't you upset? They don't know whether to believe me or not.

Please don't self harm, or worse. I know that it feels better after, but the truth is, that not everyone is like the people who tortured you.

You didn't DESERVE what was done to you. You didn't do anything WRONG. You DESERVE to be on this planet, and live a decent life, just like anyone else. Your thoughts are terribly distorted, because you have been programmed to protect yourself. Even then, it didn't work, did it? So the torturers are off the hook, and you are left torturing yourself.

You need to stay here for your child.....I'm gonna lay the big guilt trip on you now...very borderline...and I don't care.......

My Dad committed suicide when I was 18. I think I posted that's the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. He was bi-polar, and was in and out of institutions for many years. He had ECT when it was like "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." (That's a quote from my psychiatrist, when I wanted to see his medical records)

I hadn't seen him in 2 years, (I'm 14 in the most current picture I have of him) and my step-Mom refused to have a funeral. He's buried in a common grave in Toronto....I found that 10 years later.

So, there was went on as if nothing had happened...and I went insane. Then 8 days later, my Grandmother died....I don't even really remember that.....I had blackouts, where I would wake up with people in front of me, and a stinging face. Apparently, I was screaming at the top of my lungs......

Three years ago tomorrow, my 14 year old cousin hanged himself from a swing set in a public park in Vancouver. His parents celebrate it like it's an Anniversary, and e-mail everyone to invite them.

I have tried to end my life three times....last time it was during a blackout...only things I know about it, are what I've been told by others. Don't remember a couple days before, and about four days after.

I've given it up now.....know why? It's such a borderline thing to do, and I don't want to be like that.

Think about your child. Give yourself a don't deserve to live like this.....but you do have a responsibility to your child. Even if you don't see your child right now, there may come a day, when you will.

I've been on both sides of the fence....child of a suicide, and an attempted's a waste of life......

Please think about what I've said...and if you want me to go away, just say so.....(very manipulative....stole your thunder) hehehehehe


trg247 11-06-2007 06:02 PM

Re: Where I am at

Suicidal ideation has been running through my head for a very long time and if I was going to take that route I would have done it a long time ago. My child is the reason why I fight so bloody hard for anything, I made a promise to him before he was born to be there every step of the way and I have no intention of breaking it no matter the hell I have to live through. Self harm has been a part of my life in one form or another since I was six or so.....everyone kept saying how bad I was so I tried to punish mysef to make myself good, cutting since I was thirteen and the longest period without it was a little over five years, I am now in my early thirties....well maybe not early. This is going to come out weird but self harm has been saving me for a very long prevents me from going completly over the edge. I know I am not responsible or deserve what took place but I am very responsible to make sure no one has that opportunity to do it again. As for making people go away trust me they get the hint very quickly and I go away thinking they no longer exist. Problem is I don't really care what happens to me but I worry how what happens to me will effect others go figure.

take care

Pri Lily 11-06-2007 06:35 PM

Re: Where I am at
"Everyone kept on saying how bad I was, so I tried to punish myself to make myself good."

I didn't use the quote for this, on purpose....I wanted to feel what you are saying....because I used to have that said to me too.

Did they ever enlighten you with a reason that you were bad? Was it said over, and over, until it was beaten into your head? "Bad boy, you didn't clean up your toys?" Bad boy...Bad boy...

YOU ARE NOT BAD....look up the definition of borderline...a feeling of being BAD or's a symptom....not a a cough, when you have a cold.....a symptom......when you realize that you aren't BAD, you should not need to cut anymore.

Yes, you are responsible for not letting it happen again. I'm assuming this, but I'm thinking that you were a child when your problems occurred. Children are incredibly vulnerable, and cannot fend for themselves. When the people that are caring for them are the abusers, they are stuck.

You are now an adult, those childhood defense mechanisms are no longer required, you can fend for yourself just fine. You are allowing the frightened child to make the decisions, instead of the adult man.....

Think about what I'm saying, it makes took me a long time to work through all of this for myself, and now maybe it can help you out of the pit you're in.....


trg247 11-06-2007 09:57 PM

Re: Where I am at

Thanks again for your response. I sent a letter off to the CHMA today looking for their help in finding a long term counselor/therapist so I guess that is a positive step.

Right now I just started Nardil a little over a week ago that is not showing any positive effect so far and I am all over the map in terms of emotions and probably stability. Needless to say my walls are sky high at the moment.

which is completly utter garbage considering I got beat for any reason under the sun and for whatever someone else did, mind you this was a main reason why I went into my career field thinking if some kid came running to me for help I would be prepared to act and do something. Somewhere along the line I realized to disappear into corners, keep my mouth shut and the only person I could trust with my safety is myself - which I don't do very well.

Its late and I am starting to ramble

take care

Pri Lily 11-07-2007 09:27 PM

Re: Where I am at

I had to work today, so that's why it's taking me so long to get back....

Good Lord! You want to talk about your worst nightmare coming true?

And guilt and the extreme. I've said this before, many times before. Borderline, breeds borderline.

It gets passed down both genetically, and behaviourally.

My Mom was borderline....I know that now. So was my Grandmother...and my Aunt....I have run their behaviours by pdocs, and they agree that I am probably right.

So, you know logically, that none of this happened because of you.....your Dad obviously had a very, very bad heart. You didn't cause that...not a chance.

Sounds Grandmother used to always yell at my Mom that she was gonna cause my Grandfather to have a heart attack....Mom lived in fear of killing her father....he did have four heart attacks. Mom didn't cause any of them....he had a bad heart. But, she was blamed for them....except the one that killed him...she was grown up, and he had alzheimers, and wandered off.

So, you were the family scapegoat....I am too. Sorry for being so cut and dried about your situation, but I think you understand. I sympathize and empathize completely, and my walls are going up.......

Nice...very to ruin a person's life in five steps or less.

I really think you need to beat this thing, and have a good life. You are obviously a very sensitive, caring person, or you would have become sociopathic....or something of that nature....but instead, you have turned it on to yourself. You might even be a Pisces....maybe Aries.

Anyway, trg....that's enough for tonight...gotta work tomorrow too....what can I say? There must be more....tell me about it...if you want.


trg247 11-07-2007 10:18 PM

Re: Where I am at

Thats kind of funny.......pure Aries, right smack in the middle....go figure

all of my meds are kicking in and looks like I have some editing to do.

take care

timpa 11-08-2007 01:29 AM

Re: Where I am at
Meds never help me ever, tried just about everything. At first I was given throazine 100 mg, I took one every hour till I claim down. After the 2nd one, I could not get upset over anything then. After a while I learn to control it out with that, as it had some bad stuff with it as well.

First I believe your doctor was right, I can tell you what I feel is why your having these problem so much. First you should know that talking about your problems, is a very hard thing to do in fact it's down right hard on you. Your feeling confused as well I'm sure, I had a very smart therapist tell me one time.

After telling him I was confused, about what he was telling me as he said stuff at odds. With what he told me before, he started moving away and turn back and said with a smile. Well being confused is a good thing tim, it means your thinking and if your thinking. That means your working things through, he also was the one that told me one time.

After telling him about how bad things was going for me, he said if you can remember one thing. You will be able to get through the worst every time, he said you just have to remind your self. That this to will pass, that it can not stay that bad for ever. You know I remembered that every time, when things get really bad for me, it has always help me get through them.

Anyway back to what is going on with you, your are finally starting to look at your problems. That is a good thing even if it don't feel like it right now, the only way to deal with your problems. Is if you take one at a time, spend what ever time you need to work through it. You need to ask your self some stuff about it, like let looks at what you going through right now.

Why are you hurting so much, what thinking are you having that doing that to you. Do you really want to work through it, why does it make you so confused. What do you have to do to work through it, why do you feel the need to run from it. Do other people have the same problem, what have they done to work through it. Can you learn from what they went through, and what needs do you need to meet to work through it the right way.

I can tell you what I know about me, and what I learn about others but that will do little for you. You must work through it your self, or it will help you very little. You will likely find you are trying to run from the hurt you are feeling, but the fact of the matter is it's normal for borderlines where you are now. Facing your problems, and knowing you made them is going to hurt you at first.

But I'm sure you will find that once you face them, and work through it you'll be able to forgive your self, and then the hurt goes away just as fast. I'll show you how, it worked for me about getting upset and losing control. It should help you under stand, that you are not alone and that this will pass for you as well.

When I first moved in with my girl friend, she would start with me and would not stop. She would even stop me from going for a walk to cool down, then I lost control and punched her in the face. I felt really bad and it hurt me to do such a thing, I remembered how my dad hit my mom, and how bad that was for her. But my girl friend said that she forgive me, and acted like it was ok but it was not ok with me.

I started working through it, I found that it was me wanting to control things to not lose control. The more tried to keep my self from losing control, the worst I felt and the more I lost control. So I thought about it more, and found that I would not let my self get upset even. Other people got upset, but of course they did not punch people they cared about in the face.

I also looked at why my girl friend would not stop, even though she could see I was clearly getting upset. I found that it was because she got hurt, she then would just keep trying to stop her pain. And she wanted to get control of it, she was willing to take a punch in the face. Because it give her control so it did not bother her much, she thought it was a small price to pay for it.

So now to fixing the problem, as I said it did not bother her that much. But it bother me a lot, and then I would let her have control because of that. So the first thing I did to fix it, was to tell her that if I lost control again and hit her. I would turn my self in to the cops, because it was very wrong for me, and I would not let my self keep doing it. And if she cared about me and her, she would try to walk away, and let me walk away when I needed to.

So the next time I got upset with her, I told her look I'm very upset and I'm not blaming anyone for it. And that I have a right to get upset, and that I needed to go cool down. And she needed to let me go do that, well you know I felt pretty good. For the first time ever in my life, I let my self get upset with out fighting it. And I never hit her again, I have smashed a few things after that.

But I even stop doing that after a while, very odd that a person would not let them selfs get upset. But it's true I would not before that, I was so worried about getting upset and losing control. I can tell you it was not easy, for me to admit all this and work through it. It hurt me pretty bad at first, but I thought it hurt me worst to hit her. But it stop hurting me after I forgave my self, so it was well worth the pain to work through it right.

Remember you can not run from your self, that a fact you are dealing with right now. That is why your feeling so much pain, and your mind keeps racing on you. And any therapist or doctors are not there to work through it for you, that would never last very long at all. They are there to help you work through your problems, to help you help your self is what they are there for.

There are many people in the mental heath system, that they can not help them help them selfs. They never really get better, the therapist must work through their problems for them. The same ones over and over again, they never seem to learn how to help them selfs ever. That not what you need or want, you want help learning to help your self. Then after they help you learn that, you can keep helping your self with out their help.

I hope this make sense to you, I've been where you are and if you let them help you, to work through this stuff your self. Things will start getting better slowly, work on one thing at a time and don't think, meds will do what you will not do for your self. Meds at best help you help your self, as my one doctor told me. They have no magic wand to use on you, to make your problems go away, they wish they did he said.

Also forget your labels, they mean nothing really. You are the same person, with the same problems as you was before the labels. You work them through the same way, to many people get hung up on their labels. That only keeps you from working through your problems, you are not a label your are a human being. If you think about it, normal people have many of the same problems. Only they have them much less, and they get through them fast.

rosebuddy 11-08-2007 01:58 PM

Re: Where I am at
Hi Timpa,

I really liked what you said about labels and that "normal" people have living problems too. I hate to tell anyone my labels, but will discuss my symptoms instead if i 'm am having problems. When i label myself, or let someone else, I feel damaged and i hate that feeling.

And This too shall pass is great. I use that too. And it does pass, no matter what. It is just better not to react in a negative way and let it pass. It takes practice but I'm able to do that most of the time. I rarely get angry and when i do, I am not mean about it. And fear is the same way. I have to be dependent on someone, so I am dependent on God. Self reliance fails me. Other people fail me. But God never does. With problems, the more I focus on the problem, the bigger it gets, but if I focus on solutions, the problem gets smaller. I learned those things in AA and they work. Focus on solutions. Not on the labels.

Thanks for posting.

Pri Lily 11-08-2007 06:00 PM

Re: Where I am at

Well, go figure.....we probably celebrate our birthdays during the same week.

We are also well known for being very hard on ourselves....imagine that.....


trg247 11-08-2007 06:47 PM

Re: Where I am at

30 is my lucky number

To the other two posters thanks for your opinion

take care

Pri Lily 11-08-2007 07:20 PM

Re: Where I am at

My lucky number is 2....I was I win anything?

How are we doing...can I get a condition update, please?


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