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i would realy really appreciate it if someone took the time out to actually read this

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Old 01-28-2009, 03:36 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2009
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theycallmelisx3 HB User
i would realy really appreciate it if someone took the time out to actually read this

okay. i just really wanna set things straight. i feel like im going crazy inside. im literally driving myself insane and i would like to know whats wrong with me.

so im 16. and ive been feeling awful for the past few years ever since 7th grade. but just recently [last year i would say, when i was 15].. ive been feeling a lot worse. i feel completely empty and alone. i cut myself when im angry or sad. like, my friend wont text me one day when she says she will, and i flip out. but i dont tell her about it. i act like everything is okay because i do NOT want her to think im crazy and then leave me. i do anything to avoid her leaving me, even lying and pretending im okay. so i deal with the pain by cutting. i direct the anger towards myself. then i feel guilty for doing that. and worthless and helpless for not being able to stop myself, then i get angry that i feel that way and cut again.

the only time i show my anger is to my family. but when i do, its bad. whenever some one in my family makes me angry, i flip out. i could be the nicest person and they say one thing wrong and i snap. in the past, ive thrown things at them, slammed [and broke] my door, cursed them off, hit them, etc. but a few minutes later, an hour at most, and im fine. i thought this was normal, but its been happening more often and more intense than usual.

and i really hate myself. like really really really. i feel like im a failure and im losing control of everything and theres nothing i can do. but that i couldve prevented this and its all my fault. and im really really sensitive to criticism. anything that could be taken in a bad way, WILL be taken in a bad way. every time. if my friend doesnt talk to me for a day, she hates me. thats how i think.

i also just recently began smoking on impulse. and i have the most ridiculous diet routine thats been going on since 7th grade. sometimes, i wouldnt eat all day for like a week or two. then i would eat like crazy for a week or two. then i wouldnt eat again. and it just goes back and forth.

i know your not supposed to self diagnose and i also know im not 18 yet, but i just wanna know if theres a possibility i could have bpd (borderline). at first i really thought it was just depression, but the thing thats leading me towards bpd is because of how i act with my best friend and how i feel about fearing the thought of being alone.

see, sometimes i think she is literally the best person. like im infatuated by her and i envy her. and then when she does one thing wrong, i get mad. then i go into the cutting cycle and act like its all her fault. other times, i completely blame myself. to deal with this, i sometimes write out what i would say to her as if i was actually going to. and when i read it, i feel horrible that i ever said it, because i sound so mean and bitter and i blame her for everything. but i cant tell her how i feel because she'll think im crazy and leave me. and i will do anything to avoid her leaving me. even distancing myself from her which i have been doing lately. whenever shes away, like not physically with me, i doubt that she likes me. i always feel like she doesnt like me anymore. and its usually for no good reason. but i cant make myself believe that she does care about me when shes not actually with me.

see, i dont want to ask for help unless i KNOW that something is wrong with me. otherwise, ill feel stupid. its hard enough to even accept that i have a problem, let alone actually ask for help. =/ but if i know whats wrong with me, ill be more likely to get help. cause i tend to think that im fine and i can handle everything when obviously i cant. this has been going on for years now, and its not just some teenage thing. its every day of my life. and its tearing me apart.

could i have bpd, even though im only 16? are these the symptoms? could it be something else?

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Old 01-30-2009, 09:56 PM   #2
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Re: i would realy really appreciate it if someone took the time out to actually read

I'm afraid I don't have the solution to your problem, but I do have a few bits of advice that you might find helpful.

The first thing I would suggest is for you to make sure that you are eating normally. I'm not even close to a doctor, but there might be something having to do with a hormonal imbalance or nutritional imbalance or something.

Honestly, all of this sounds like a lot of suppressed stress. I wouldn't go about diagnosing yourself just yet. There are two things you have to do:

1) See a doctor to make sure you aren't low on iron, high on estrogen, or whatever else could be causing your severe emotions.

2) If there is no answer there, see a psychologist or counsellor. Last I heard, they are bound by confidentiality so you don't have to worry about the world thinking you're crazy. Even if you don't mean it, tell him/her that you don't want to be rushed into some sort of disorder, but want to try and explore the root cause of your distress. Otherwise, some people just slap a label on you, give you some pills, and send you on your way without ever really solving the problem.

Old 02-03-2009, 12:50 AM   #3
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juiceitnow HB User
Re: i would realy really appreciate it if someone took the time out to actually read

I suggest help, if you cant talk to your parents tell them to read what you just wrote Im sure this would help them to understand what you are going through. That way they will know what your feeling and they being your parents can decide what is best for you.

Last edited by mod-anon; 02-03-2009 at 03:09 AM. Reason: removed quote

Old 02-15-2009, 12:52 PM   #4
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Arggg HB UserArggg HB UserArggg HB User
Re: i would realy really appreciate it if someone took the time out to actually read

You could be BPD, but it's a complex disorder and only an experienced professional can diagnose you.

It's very likely that your nutrition and hormones are so out of balance that you're getting false symptoms of a mental illness. I think it's fairly common for someone your age. A doctor can order blood tests for you and tell you. A psychiatrist would ask you a lot of questions and determine if you need medication. A nutritionist can tell you what doses of vitamins to take, and what foods to eat and which ones to stop eating.

Can you talk to your parents, or will they just freak out and yell at you and label you? If you can't talk to them, talk to a school nurse or counselor. Tell them you need professional help, and now. You need a nutritionist as well as a psychological exam. They shouldn't be too shocked; a lot of girls cut themselves, burn themselves, starve themselves, etc. It's epidemic.

I'm on medication for depression but I also aggressively treat my symptoms with nutritional supplements like fish oil and Vitamin D. You have to hit it from all angles and use what works. I don't like the label of "borderline" because all of us have some of the symptoms of it. Just please take care of yourself and do what works for you before you spiral downward any further!!

Old 03-01-2009, 09:55 PM   #5
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ShayBunnie HB User
Re: i would realy really appreciate it if someone took the time out to actually read

Hi Hon. Being a borderline myself my opinion is you have it too. You sound just like me when I was your age. Be happy that BPD is more well known now and you can get help. Please see a therapist. If your parents don't have insurance you can always go to a state funded therapist. Also please look into DBT. You know yourself better then any dr. And if you feel you meet the BPD criteria don't let them tell you you just have depression.

Last edited by ShayBunnie; 03-01-2009 at 09:58 PM.

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