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    Old 12-13-2010, 03:58 AM   #1
    SamIAm2010
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    Depression vs personality disorder

    I think I have a personality disorder. When I take tests, it always gives me high results for borderline, avoidant, dependent, schizoid and schizotypal. I know I canít have them all (I might not have any), but I definitely see the the similarities. Borderline score is usually the highest (depending where I take the tests).

    I am very unstable. I have horrible mood swings. Some days I feel confident; other days I donít even want to get out of bed. Some days I feel like Iím pretty & outgoing and if I go out everyone will like me; other days I feel like there is nothing good about me and everybody will judge. The best way to describe it is that I have up and down days. I hate making plans because I never know how I will feel that day. My ex (one of them-there has been many) started counting my moods and actually gave them names. All of my relationships have been unstable. I tend to date guys who lie and cheat, but I always stay with them. I might really like someone but for some reason I will get this uncomfortable feeling (when we first start to talk) and just stop talking to them. I wonít even give them an explanations I hate confrontation so usually I just ignore them. However, Iíve never really ďlovedĒ someone one day and then ďhatedĒ them the next day like many people with BPD experience. I donít think it is the other person; I know it is me. I donít date nice guys...I think because they make me feel bad about myself. Also, I am more fine with the idea of getting hurt than hurting somebody else. No self mutilation, but I can relate to the ďrising tensionĒ feeling. Sometimes it gets so bad, I feel like Iím going to explode. I try to exercise when I get like this. Sometimes I just cry. I would act out when I was younger...throw or break things including my TV. Once I kept punching the wall, not hard but my hand was bruised pretty badly when I was finished. I donít do that stuff anymore. I just keep it bottled in. I donít know how to talk about my feelings. I used to smoke weed to help unwind, but after months of consistent use (usually at least once a day), it made it worse. I now hate the feeling of being high and I never want to smoke again. Cigarettes help. I have not binged and purged in a long time, but I was throwing up on a daily basis for over a year. I still do not eat healthy though. I went from 150 to 130 in the past two months. I find no pleasure in food anymore. Itís like I am always looking for something that makes me feel better but I give it up when it doesnít work...nothing ever works. I am not suicidal, but I do have thoughts. I attempted once when I was 15, but I was really just looking for attention. Alot of it had to do with a boy...my first love...the guy I lost my virginity to when I was 13. Yes, I started young. Since then I have had sex with many guys. I think I am a ****...another reason that I donít date nice guys. I hate myself, and sometimes I think I donít deserve to be happy. I donít want to die, but I donít want to live either...itís like I have no motivation for life. I live in a constant state of depression. I just pray for the tolerable days.

    What makes me think that it is not BPD is that I like to be alone.

    Background info -- I was homeschooled until high school. High school was horrible for me. I was social but I didnít have any close friends. At first it was okay because I had a boyfriend...the guy I mentioned earlier. People also called me ditzy, and it really bothered me. My mom is like that too. Now I try hard not to come across like that, even if it means not talking at all. I donít have too much common sense, but I really think I just came across like that because I was so bubbly. I never wanted to step on peopleís toes. I always wanted to make them feel good about themselves. When me and my boyfriend broke up, I jumped into another serious relationship right after him. He cheated on me too, but I stayed with him for two years because I couldnít handle being alone. I have always been dependent. After I overdosed on pills (after the first guy), I didnít go back to school for a week. I immediately wished that I didnít do it. I couldnít stand the thought of people talking about me. I was afraid that people thought that I did it just for attention (which I guess I kind of did). But no one knew what I was going through. I didnít even know. It has taken a lot of self reflection for me to see things how they really are.

    When I graduated, I wanted to go to college far away. I wanted a new start where nobody knew me or what I had done. I also wanted to get away from my mom because she was so involved in my life. I never really had any rules and my mom did everything for me. I am not responsible at all. When I got to college I wanted things to be different. I was going to be popular. And I was. I thought I was happy for awhile. I had close friends (I feel like most of them were superficial friendships though) and was making good grades. I told myself that having friends was the most important thing to me, and it I ever got another boyfriend I would put my friends first. I started dating someone. He might have been my first TRUE love. However, I was always suspicious of him. He kept me a secret, and he had other girls on the side. It felt like he was ashamed of me. He broke up with me several times. Each time killed me. We were together for over a year. While we were broken up over the summer, I slept with some one else. When school came back into session, he wanted to get back together. I was finally getting over him and I was hesitant... but foolishly I went back. Things were almost perfect. He was trying so hard, and he wasnít keeping me a secret anymore. I was so happy. We were only together a week when I discovered that I had HPV. I felt like a monster. I hated myself so much. I told him, and he left me. He went straight back to the girl that he had been cheating on me with. I thought about suicide a lot. I needed him, and he wasnít even there for me as a friend. He just completely cut me out of his life. He said he loved me, but I guess not. I would have stayed with him if the situation was reversed. I think that stripped every last piece of self confidence that I had. I was so depressed, but no one knew how bad. I put on a brave face. Thatís when I started smoking cigarettes and made weed a more common thing. I also started going out a lot. I liked the attention that I got. It made me feel better about myself. However, my grades went from great to horrible.

    After awhile I started to resent my friends. I felt like they took advantage of me all the time. I canít say no to people. My mom is like that too. They were so clingy. I wanted to get away...from them...from him...from the town...from everything. I donít know how to express what I want because I am so worried about others, and so the easiest thing for me to do is remove myself from the situation. I run away a lot. I moved back home and took online classes. My grades got better. I got involved with some one else. He was the worst yet and had more issues than me. It became serious very fast, and I resented him. At first it was nice having someone. I was feeling insecure about school. I felt like a failure, like I could never amount to anything, like I would never be successful. I was living with him. It was a nice thought knowing that he could provide for me. However, he was so jealous and he didnít let me do anything. I felt like he was trying to trap me. I realized that wasnít what I wanted. I moved back to college....which was last semester.

    It wasnít better. I ended up withdrawing from my classes. This was the worst year yet. I never got dressed up and I never went out. I didnít like to drink anymore. I was done with men. I didnít want a relationship; I didnít even want to date. I didnít have sex with anyone either. I also started distancing myself from friends. I had one friend that I couldnít get away from. I started to really resent her. I drove all the way home (hours away) just to get away from everybody. I always liked that...it was like I had two worlds. When one got too stressful, I went to the other world. Neither felt like home though. I just wanted to be by myself this year. I value my personal time above anything else. I feel like being around people is so emotionally draining. I need time to recharge myself. I just feel like I have to put on a front when I am around people. They wouldnít really like me if they knew how I really was. Before, I was a social person. It was just close relationships that I had trouble with. But lately, I feel like I have become extremely socially awkward. I get so nervous and I hardly ever talk. I am afraid that people are judging me. I am afraid that I am going to say something stupid. Alot of times I donít even pay attention to what people are saying. I just read their emotions and go off them. I am so introverted. I have always been an introvert but it has become so bad lately. I feel like I live in my own little world where I just reflect. I was basically a pothead this past year. I liked to smoke by myself though. I feel like it helped me understand what Iím going though better. However it started to cause too much pain reflecting on everything which is why I stopped. I hated smoking with people. It made me so socially awkward and paranoid. I never had fun because I was so worried what everyone thought about me. I get so quiet when I smoke. I would try to join the conversation, but I always felt like everything I said was stupid and didnít make sense. I didnít connect with anyone...the same was as high school (high or not high). You might just say thatís what weed does to some people, but no...this was indescribable. Pure torture. I feel like it brought out my insecurities so much more. I worry about that stuff anyways, but it was just so much more intense. If I saw people texting in the room, I thought they were texting about me. I was just always so afraid what they were going to say about me. I think I am pretty good at reading peopleís emotions. I think I am very intuitive. Sometimes it feels like a curse. I am so afraid that I might offend someone. I never give my opinion. I really donít think I even have opinions. I say what I think people want to hear. I try to be what people want me to be. I canít handle the thought of letting anyone down. I can handle being around people for awhile, but I get stressed out if itís too much. Then I try to distance myself. I moved back home again. I hate feeling trapped. I canít stay in one place for too long. Honestly, itís not the school work. Sometimes I worry that Iím not smart, but I am. Itís everything else. I feel like I canít handle life. I am always stressed. I feel like I donít even know who I am. I have been trying to figure that out lately. I was thinking about joining the navy. I hate myself for not doing well in school. I had so much potential; I had such big dreams when I was young.

    I feel empty and alone, but I choose to be alone. I literally hate ******** and cell phones. It is impossible to get away from anyone. I just wish I could disappear...go live on a deserted island for awhile. I used sex and relationships but I donít want that anymore. I want to change how I feel. I donít even know if I believe in God anymore. I was always raised as a Christian, and I know so much about the Bible (I can even dictate chapters). Religion was forced down my throat. Now I resent it. I think Christians are hypocrites and the world would be better without religion. There are so many different religions and it is no oneís place to say that theirs is right and some one elseís is wrong (this is actually one opinion that I am passionate about)! We simply donít know. We will never know. It scares me though. I have dreams where I am about to die and I plead to God to take me to heaven. I donít want to burn in hell. I think thatís what will keep me from ever actually trying to kill myself. I actually bought a book on Wicca the other day. It was just another one of my ďkicks.Ē I never stick to anything. I am always searching for something to make me happy...but nothing ever does. I donít feel normal. I feel like my life is meaningless and that I will never survive on my own. I am sad all the time, and I cry alot.

    Can anyone relate? Does it sound like I have a personality disorder or am I just depressed? Sorry this was so long.

     
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    Old 12-13-2010, 04:19 PM   #2
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    Re: Depression vs personality disorder

    Just from what you have written, I don't really see a personality disorder. I see someone with extreme self-esteem issues, and fairly rapid cycling mood swings over time. Have you sought help for yourself. You may be bipolar, which is treatable with the right medication. Therapy for your personal issues would be extremely useful. You are on a treadmill of "I do not deserve to be happy", probably to the point where, if you get into a happy situation you will eventually sabotage it. You are trapped in a state of anomie and meaninglessness, life is one big grey landscape. This is classic depression. It is like a huge cloud keeping you pressed to the ground. You cannot lift it by yourself. Get help and I hope you will soon feel better. Sera

     
    Old 06-01-2011, 08:22 AM   #3
    strengthbeauty3
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    Re: Depression vs personality disorder

    Sam-

    Hello, I read through your post and though there are a few things at the end I disagree with, we have a lot in common. The history in school both high school and college. I did join the military after high school and though I feel some days it was the best decision of my life, other days I feel it is one of my biggest regrets. I tend to blame the military for the choices I made after the freedom I obtained from it.

    When I was in high school I was sociable yet not popular, I never felt socially awkward just not the typical skinny minnie that my school worshiped. I was an athlete and I was very smart. I just didn't apply myself academically, I had top scores in my ACT and SATs. I did go through a traumatic event when I was 14 when I was assaulted, and then I was jumped later by a bully in school. I didn't know how to become the person I wanted to be, and the family I came from it felt like if I didn't graduate and go into the military I wasn't accepted. The military was a writ of passage in my family. I served for 6 years, and yet now that I am out, I feel even further behind in my life than I did before. In school I was always ahead of the curve, now I feel like Karma has forced me to fall behind it. I attempted college on leave, and online classes while away and nothing seemed to really grasp my attention except for the boyfriend that I left/skipped classes for. My parents saw the decline in my grades and talked me into taking a break from school and now that it has been a 4 year break I am ready to go back but I am not sure for what. Not to mention I keep finding myself putting a relationship first.

    In terms of relationships, I didn't date in school, I actually only went to 1 homecoming dance my sophomore dance, and none others. I met my "first true love" right out of basic training and I skipped classes to spend time with him, wrote off my faith in God for him, and secluded myself from my friends and family for him. A man that was "ashamed to be seen in public with me", "wanted me to walk 10 feet behind him so no one knew I was with him", "couldn't kiss me, hold my hand, or touch me in public because it made him feel less sexy", and finally "didn't love my body or my heart, just loved that I could provide for him." He destroyed my heart and started the initial fall or downward spiral of jerks one after another. The next guy was about a year later and he was an alcoholic that warned me to never get fat, and that I was weak minded (though true but not something I was ready to hear), he would talk to several other girls, and even spend the night with them. I eventually found out after he broke up with me that I was a bet to "get in the pants of a christian girl". He cashed in $400. I then moved home and found myself really sad that I couldn't get over the fact that I was a bet and a who*e in my eyes. I was sexually active and I felt very insecure. I later moved in with a guy because my parents and I fought so much that they kicked me out and I had no where to go, I took advantage of the feelings he had for me and I ended up using him, and still hated myself more for it. This was about 2 years after the 2nd bf breakup... I used the roommate's affections to provide a roof over my head, only to get back with my boyfriend (alcoholic) and spent another year not trusting him, watching him drink two cases of beer a night and leave food boiling over on the stove and a vacuum running while he passed out on top of me after forcing me to have sex with him. I finally moved out and on my own to only be followed by the alcoholic until he met his 17 year old gf he has been with since. Thankfully.

    While on my own I found a peace in myself to be happy single, and that is when I met J the third bf. He came out of no where and I justified this relationship saying "true love comes when you least expect it or when you are not looking for it." We were dating for 2 weeks when I woke up to all his stuff in my apartment and he convinced me to leave my just renewed lease to move to his hometown and start a life there. His first set of controls in my life. He ended up having so much control that he would break my car so I couldn't leave, he hit me, and he would openly cheat on me, meaning he brought girls to our home and slept with them in my bed while I was there but I couldn't leave because he would chase me. The day I decided to finally leave him was the day I found a loaded gun that wasn't in mine or in the gun safe. I called my parents and a few friends I thought might help because they knew how J was. That weekend I woke up at 3am to leave and he woke up to get the gun when he saw the boxes. He held the gun to my head, and then when my parents happened to walk in the door he pointed the gun at them told me to make them leave and held the gun to his head after I did as he said. He threatened to kill me and then himself if I left. My parents called the sheriff and he was arrested. I moved into a new apartment to hide and start over... Only to date when I wasn't ready to be around anyone and it has been one bad relationship after another. That all happened last October. Since then I met a man that was just like me personality wise, and we grew up in similar situations and we just got a long so well, until my insecurities became self destructive and I ended up ruining it because I would push him and pressure him into talking to me about things, pushing arguments, and digging/hunting/searching for motives. I find the slightest change in routine and I freak out about it, I assume something else is going on. I hate myself for this, and I am just now looking for ways to fix it. I don't know where to start but to talk about it and know that I am not the only one out there that feels the way I do, to know that I am not alone like I thought I was. Also, to know that I am not crazy. I hope this helps you, but please keep in contact I think we could at least help each other fight the darkness that surrounds us.

    Ashley

     
    Old 06-03-2011, 04:29 PM   #4
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    Re: Depression vs personality disorder

    Based on what you've written, I also don't think it sounds like a personality disorder. But here's the grain of salt: the person I know who does have it, I would never have guessed it based on what he told me. He only told me about his depression and that sort of thing. It wasn't until I actually started experiencing first hand his BPD behaviour did I actually figure it out. Until then, the symptoms he told me about were very different from what I actually saw in reality.

    The only person to really diagnose you is a professional. The main reason I don't think you have BPD is how you feel about your romantic relationships. That's one thing that's very strong in BPD people and you don't seem to have that particular thing.

    Ultimately though, BPD or not, you have to take care of yourself and your depression, regardless of what's causing it. Talking to someone always helps so don't try to deal with it alone.

    Good luck

     
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