| Phobia of Becoming a Sociopath?
Ironically enough I work in a psychology lab. My mentor pulled me aside a few weeks ago to give me an assessment of my work. She said that I am a reliable worker but I don't participate in discussions enough. And she also noted that I express no emotion; my face has flat affect, apparently. When I was surprised by this, she suggested I ask my friends if they have noticed. My roommate told me that I seem pretty neutral and chill, aside from when I truly find something funny and laugh. I took this to be a positive note.
For the past few years I have had a fear of developing schizophrenia. Some nights I cannot sleep due to the thoughts of having delusions and all sorts of bizarre hallucinations. I've researched schizophrenia for hours upon hours- watched documentaries, interviewed professors, and read books.
Well, this recently changed. After my professor told me about my lack of external emotions, I looked up some disorders in which this is a common symptom. Schizophrenia is one of them, but sociopathy is another. After reading through the sociopath symptom checklist I began to wonder if I indeed was a sociopath without realizing. It is true that I have anxiety regarding social events- I always assume people won't like me before I even meet them. I feel as though I fake a lot of social interactions, putting on a face to hide my true feelings (common behavior of a sociopath).
In just a few days my fear of developing schizophrenia has switched to becoming a sociopath. Today I didn't feel like myself. I started to feel like a sociopath. I thought that by thinking of sociopathic ideas and symptoms, I would change the neuroplasticity of my brain and become a sociopath. I know how ridiculous this sounds, but it truly terrified me.
Every few hours I'll get a moment of clarity and realize I'm not a sociopath, but then I'll have a 'what if' thought and be swept back into the mind of a sociopath. Right now I feel unsure. I feel like maybe I am a sociopath. And it scares me.
What should I do?
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