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  • Think BF has COMMITMENT PHOBIA!

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    Old 12-04-2005, 04:36 PM   #1
    alwysasweetie21
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    Question Think BF has COMMITMENT PHOBIA!

    Where do I start.?????
    Well first off me and my Boyfriend have been together just over a year, and we haven't had the most normal of relationships. He lives about 40 minutes away, which isn't so bad, aside from the fact that we both don't have running cars, and he is in his last year of school, and completely dedicated to it, so we don't get too much time together, since he lives with like 5 other ppl, and I live in a small apt. with my mother. The circumstances in our lives have been working against us from the beginning. I love him so much, I mean really love him like I never thought I could, I mean I never would have put up with everything I have if I didn't.
    He tells me he loves me, and I truly feel as if he does, but sometimes he has the strangest ways of showing it.
    This is where the commitment phobia aspect comes into play, I was reading up on this, and I really didn't think of it as a real phobia until I read that it was a real fear... I guess I always thought that it was an excuse for men. I read the signs of it, and its HIM... I mean pretty much to a T!!! He pursued me in the beginning, and wouldn't let up until I was his. Then slowly, especially after he confessed his love for me, he started acted different, ignoring my calls sometimes, not allowing me to meet his friends, finding fault in me, like stupid stuff too, accusing me of being demanding about seeing him when I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks!!! He'll act like a jerk, and I think that he doesn't want to see me anymore, and then he calls, and acts like nothing happened, and wants to spend time with me. there was a long period of time where we were doing great, making time for one another and all, but this past month in Nov. has been SO HORRIBLE... My birthday was on the 14th, and he hadn't met my brother and sister-inlaw yet, and I was having a nice birthday dinner, and I had told him 2 weeks in advance that I really wanted him there, he said he would, that whole 2 weeks before he was acting wierd, and then guess what He bailed on me, we got in a fight that day, and I was left in tears wondering why he can't be there for me, I mean I was really heart broken from that, and the way we fought I thought it was over, but no he ends up calling me 4 days later, and wanted to see me and that he was sorry... blah blah blah. I told him I can't keep doing this. He said we will talk about it later... but our relationship is always later. Everyone hates him, my friends and my family, for obvious reasons, so thats a real pain. But I know he loves me, I feel it, deep down he was a beautiful soul, and I recognize his potential, but the way hes been treating me is just ripping my heart out, I am left confused so much, because he acts so strange, and its out of the blue. I honestly don't feel he is cheating, yet I could be a fool, but I just don't know how to approach this situation, and I am dying for some advice on how to deal with a commitment phobic, I love him and I see what he can be, and who he really is, this is not him I know, I just need to know what to do..... any advice would be greatly helpful. ANd if you spent the time to read all this I APPRECIATE IT immensely. Thanks!!!

     
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    Old 12-04-2005, 05:42 PM   #2
    sadgirl03
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    Re: Think BF has COMMITMENT PHOBIA!

    Hi there...I was in a situation like yours when I was in college a few years ago. I had a bf then who was totally a commitment phobe. He would do the same things that you just described, like finding fault in me, not answering my calls, stuff like that. He didn't come to my college graduation even though I gave him a ticket and my family and I waited for him but decided to just leave because I didn't want to be late for my own graduation. I finally realized that he was not meant for me. I'm not saying that is the case with you, though. If you really love him that much, I say you should fight for the relationship. Have you tried talking with him about how the things he does affects you? Do you think maybe he is afraid if he gets too close to you then you will start talking about getting married? I know some guys don't want to get too committed b/c they're afraid of marriage. Maybe you can reassure him that you just want to have a relationship with him and just see where the relationship goes. Maybe just try to get to the root of why he's doing these things by having a heartfelt talk with him. I hope this helps...

     
    Old 12-04-2005, 05:48 PM   #3
    stacykgb20
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    Re: Think BF has COMMITMENT PHOBIA!

    Hi there, first of all I am really sorry for everything you are going through. It's very obvious that you love this man and that all the turmoil you've experienced has caused you a lot of pain, which I guess is unfortunately the down side of love. However, while all relationships have their ups and downs and the emotional highs and lows that come with both, not all relationships are meant to be in that their overall affect on your life is positive. It's hard to evaluate this objectively when you're in the midst of a relationship that is having an overall detrimental, draining impact on your life because your emotional attachment and hope for the relationship to improve into what you just know it CAN be outweighs any rational considerations. Based on what you said, it doesn't sound like this relationship is meant to be because it doesn't enrich your life more than it complicates it and causes you pain and confusion. It's also important to be honest about your boyfriend the way he is now and the way he is treating you and to assess things based on that current reality, rather than his potential, rather than giving him credit for the man you just know he could be. I understand that thinking, but it can be really destructive and dangerous, as it is after all how many abused women justify giving their partners another chance--thinking he'll change, he'll be the sweet and devoted man they know he must truly be deep down. That can descend into a vicious cycle, which is why it's so important to be completely honest with yourself now and look hard at your relationship exactly as it is now. I suspect there is a good reason, if you were to ignore your feelings and try to be as objective as possible, why your friends and family don't like him and why you felt compelled to post about all the turmoil he puts you through. Is this relationship really enriching your life? Are you getting the kind of consistent, reliable love, support, and companionship that everyone has a right to expect from their romantic partner? I hope you think about this sort of thing and make whatever decision seems best for you and your future--good luck!

     
    Old 12-04-2005, 11:06 PM   #4
    alwysasweetie21
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    Re: Think BF has COMMITMENT PHOBIA!

    Hi there!
    Thanks for the replies. I have tried having talks with him about how I feel, but it seems it only gets put off, my the same words "we'll talk later", and we still haven't talked. I am so torn right now. Every part of my heart loves him, yet at the same time, with each disappointment, a piece of my heart keeps being ripped apart, and my hope in him is being diminshed, and it kills me. I want nothing more than for us to work it out, but I am emotionally exhausted from trying so hard. I guess right now the best thing for me to do is just lay back and let it be, and see if he will just let the relationship die, or if he will step up. But let me say it scares the **** out of me to leave it up to him. Suppose I haven't much choice.

     
    Old 12-04-2005, 11:17 PM   #5
    stacykgb20
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    Re: Think BF has COMMITMENT PHOBIA!

    No, unfortunately you don't, as you can't make someone want to be with you if they just aren't into it on their own. Again, I'm really sorry for what you're going through, although I do think the approach you outlined in your last post makes good sense considering the situation. If someone wants to be with you wholeheartedly, absolutely nothing will get in the way of their commitment to being your partner. If someone wants to be with you at their convenience without committing to being either fully in or out of the relationship, then you need to decide whether that is the kind of relationship that can satisfy you. I am glad to hear you are wise and realize that relationships are two way streets and no matter how much you love someone, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him the kind of partner you want unless he does so voluntarily. I do not like to say this, but based on your age, the distance between you, and his pattern of behavior/prioritizing your relationship, this doesn't seem destined for a happy outcome nor does this seem like the right partner for you. I hope I am wrong about that especially if I have misjudged your boyfriend, but because I can imagine how distressing it must be for you having this left up in the air, I'd suggest that you consider setting a date in your mind by which you reassess the relationship and decide whether you are willing to continue it as it is currently. Good luck, and remember that you can't change others, only yourself, and that sadly, people rarely change unless they have an extremely strong incentive to do so. I really hope everything works out for the best for you in the end, and I know it will, though the immediate future may be a bit rocky...hang in there!

     
    Old 12-04-2005, 11:38 PM   #6
    alwysasweetie21
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    Re: Think BF has COMMITMENT PHOBIA!

    Thanks alot Stacy.
    You have some extremely valid points, and its great to get someone from the outside to see things from a rational point of view, which is very hard for me to do right now. I am positive I am not the only one, bu I am extremely emotional and passionate, and when emotions are involved, including other areas of my life... I find it close to impossible to rationalize the situation, guess that would be a whole other post. lol
    But you said something that clicked with me, I mean as much as I love him, I wouldn't let anything get in the way of being with him, and if he truly cares like he says then he wouldn't let our relationship just die, and so I really do feel confident now in leaving it up to him. Only problem is the fear is still there, but I really guess I don't want to be with someone who isn't in it wholeheartly as I am.. like you said. Thanks again Stacy!!

     
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