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Re-connecting with someone-bad or good? Commitment phobia...

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Old 01-22-2007, 09:15 PM   #1
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Re-connecting with someone-bad or good? Commitment phobia...

I have two burning issues with relationships, that I am trying to identify and work upon in order to have a more enjoyable and positive experience with them. One of these is the 'ideal' woman - I must recognize that life isnt ideal or perfect, and that I need to expect this from a partner, as well.
I think that some of my problems stem from a combination of negative past experiences with women, which I have had plenty of, and success in other fields - although I may complain much of having a rough time with the opposite gender, almost everything else in my life is going so smoothly and wonderfully, far beyond what I could have ever expected just a few years ago. I am working on some amazing stuff right now that I never could have dreamed of, and the successes and accolades just keep piling on. I also have wonderful family and a huge group of friends, so perhaps I have a fear of compromising anything when it comes to relationships? I am getting into work that will likely see me travelling alot and possibly moving across the country to pursue another degree in a few years time, so I feel as though deep down I am afraid of committing to anything long-term because of this and need to maintain the need to always be 'free', although this is perhaps a silly reason to do so.

I mentioned this in another post - I have never been with anyone for more than a month, so perhaps I always just felt that initial phase of impressing the other person or whatnot and live off of that, so I have never experienced what it is like to be with one person for months and years, but still, feel that I have experienced alot, just in short spurts and with alot of people. I still dont know what its like to share the holidays with a significant other, for example. An acquaintance asked me the other day what had I ever gotten a girlfriend for Christmas, and I had to say that I never had that chance. It seems I have a tendency to attract women who are fairly young and confused about what they want, that are just out to hang around and enter the 'friend zone' - or they are deadly serious and have marriage and long-term on the mind from the get go, whereas I am much more cautious. I am 26now, and I have never dated someone older than 23. I still have the attitude of not wanting to settle down or anything like that, and I would rather go out and spend time with and party with friends. I have friends younger than me already getting married, whereas I cannot even consider it at this point, so perhaps my attitude is closer to that of these younger girls? I dont know.

I have another query - I mentioned before how I dated one girl about two years ago, maybe less, for a short period. I was crazy about her and she about me, and we had SO much in common and felt so good together, but she suddenly and very unexpectedly broke it off after less than a month of going out, several of being friends.

The breaking up with this girl really hurt me alot. And we didnt really start going out until we had spent a good deal of time as friends first, so I felt we already knew alot about each other. When she told me she didnt want a relationship I felt so bad, I dont think Ive ever felt that way since. The day when we broke up was the first and last time that I have cried because of a girl. Although I cant blame her entirely as I was pretty shy and not as aggresive as she wanted me to be, and she had some issues too. However, just recently, we have started to talk again and to try and be friends. Even though she started dating someone else with whom we worked shortly after me, even during that time, when I was avoiding her, she told others that she always missed being friends with me, and she never badmouthed me. She broke up with him now and is single again. She is going abroad now for a long time, and is gone, but I talked to her before she left, the first time in months, but even then I felt just so good being around her, unlike with anyone else! I emailed her to keep in touch, and she emailed back. I dont know if anything will ever come of this, but I hold a faint glimmer of hope that one day we might get together again, and that would make me so happy, I would drop anything to be with her!

So I guess I am looking for someone that makes me feel the way she did, but so far no dice. Perhaps I am idealizing her because of that fact. I hope that it happens again some day, but until then I am happy just doing my own thing until it does. But, has this ever happened to someone - you dated someone and there were mutual feelings, it broke off, but then you reunited sometime in the future? Theoretically speaking, if this did ever happen again, would it have a better chance? At least we are friends again, if nothing more...

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Old 01-23-2007, 08:32 AM   #2
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brndbrdn HB User
Re: Re-connecting with someone-bad or good? Commitment phobia...

From what it sounds like, that even if you did get another chance with her ,it would not last long due to your Commitment phobia.If you did get back together it would probably be the same as the last time unless you really love her enough to want a relationship with her.Why did she break it off the last time?Did she sense that maybe you were not relationship material so she took off before she got too involved?

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