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  • Might I have complex PTSD (vs PTSD)?



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    Old 03-07-2019, 12:33 PM   #1
    dexer
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    Might I have complex PTSD (vs PTSD)?

    A very brief resume of what has lead to me thinking I may have complex PTSD.

    My wife (now ex) developed an acute psychosis out of the blue in 2011 - her age was early 50s (which I posted here then). She was hospitalised for a month or so. Truly awful to see her terror through it all (and I was terrified too). Unfortunately I was the focus of her paranoias. Me + conspirators. During the acute incident I was threatened with a weapon that you only see in movies (it felt like I was in on. Even more unfortunately, she refused me any communication with her health care team. It was so isolating. She was back to a functional life in months, but never seemed to get over me. The best I got was `tI won't describe what weapon I was threatened with).hat I was no longer a threat' and if I was not `guilty' why did I not help heragainst `conspirators'.

    The next 3 years I did my best to look after her (she never saw me as a carer). She did a few things with me, like going away for a few days, but there was little joy. Then one day she said she was leaving in 1/2 hour and that she'd instigated divorce proceedings. I've been living on my own since 2015 and not till a year later fell into pretty bad depression from which I still suffer. A lot of losses, wife, house, children (who were at the age for leaving home and have indeed left now), retirement age (it should have been)

    Getting to the point, in the decade or so prior to 2011, she seemed to fall out of love with me to a position of increasing contempt, criticism, blame (always 100% my fault). It was kept away from the children all the time (she was dedicated to them - can't fault here there). We used to once enjoy having discussions about controversial topics, but it changed and all to often she'd get very angry with me. Sometimes she was raging from close up in my face. Occasionally, her anger would raise me to anger, but then she got angrier still. If ever she cried, I felt for her, and wanted to console her, but if ever I cried, she hated my tears. I used to say to my best friend that my wife has a special `madness' for me - with everyone else she seemed fine. She also said to me that everyone thinks I'm so so nice, but they don't know what I'm really like to live with. This behavior bewildered me totally. I went to a marriage guidance counselor, and then asked my wife to come (who said it would be a waste of time - she was right about that). All this time, whenever incidents happened, I felt frozen. It was scary to be on the end of her tongue lashing. Sometimes, I tried to go to another part of the house to escape. There were some what I now see as warning symptoms of impending psychosis- there was a valuable document that she'd mislaid/lost but she was certain that I'd taken - 100% certain. My behaviour she said when I was cross-examined by her was that of a guilty person.

    And here is the spooky thing, her mum developed a psychosis at the same age, and it had a very similar pattern to my ex-wife's.

    Overall, I even began to doubt my own sanity. Was I perhaps an awful person and didn't even know it? I feel and feel so damaged by it all, and though I've been away from her for nearly 4 years, I'm suffering for it, suffering so much. I have these feelings that I should be so angry at what she's done to me, but then I know it wasn't her fault (she had a bad relationship with her mum). Everything (readings/advice) tells me this is not a healthy place to be.

    Complex PTSD does seem to be a diagnosis for what I have and I'd be interested in anyone who has knowledge for any opinions on this. I understand that cPTSD relates to chronic exposure to stressors and traumas

     
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    Old 03-07-2019, 03:52 PM   #2
    yayagirl
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    Re: Might I have complex PTSD (vs PTSD)?

    Dear dexer,

    What I believe is that self-diagnosis only hinders us, and does not help, nor does it help us when we diagnose anyone else's problems. What we name our inner stress or emotions doesn't really matter so much as what we choose to do about them.

    I think what heals most is to get some counseling for our own fears, curiosity, and thought life. From there perhaps you can learn healthy ways to deal with your thought life.

    The thing that helped me the most was to begin to understand that what I used to tell myself made me my own worst enemy. Other people's problems are their's to own. They are not us and we are not them. We cannot solve other people's issues and they cannot resolve ours.

    We each have our own motives and ambitions, and we alone are responsible for what we choose to dwell upon.
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    ~ YaYa ~

     
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