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  • Recovering from Narcissitic abuse in the inbetween



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    Old 06-01-2019, 12:07 PM   #1
    notonthat
     
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    Smile Recovering from Narcissitic abuse in the inbetween

    Hi,
    I was abused by a narcissistic clan and after two decades of working on breaking the trauma bond I am successful. I have been away for a year and a half but life is still very difficult because of the flashbacks and the fact they forced me to focus on them or hurt me with physical and psychological violence since the age of two. Maybe before but I can remember back to two. I am happy to be away from them but they destroyed me financially and they isolated me with their abuse telling me terrible things about myself that were true about THEM.

    I know they have no sense of self and this makes Me happy because I have to uncover my self again after all the sick lies they threw at me. They made the baby girl by TEN YEARS their scapegoat. I know that every day I am living healthfully. I adopted a very well behaved puppy who was dying of hunger in the street. I am happy he loves me and i will feel less stressed when he is over the teething stage.

    My depression is very bad and i need to join an exercise class. I also am looking for a place to live I am happy that I'm doing this and not moving again. I think with exercise the depression will get better. I cannot take the paxil with the remeron because for some unknown reason I wake up in the night not being able to breathe with that combination. I know cognitively that this is a phase between my new life and my old that I must walk through but it is not a picnic it feels like you are dead while you withdraw from the lie that was your old life.

    I am glad I have company from my precious puppy. He is so precious I have not decided on a name because I cannot find one yet but i will. I realized that due to being financially destroyed by them telling me i was "incompetent" LOL that I have very little money even worse if i need something big like to travel somewhere or a big ticket item I am left with nothing for the remaining days of the month and that is when I isolate and FEEL the depression when i have money in my pocket i can go to my favorite cafe and buy a fresh juice and just relax and talk and i feel better, when I have NO money I feel so stressed.

    So i decided to make sure that I have money for the end of the month. I have still pursued my dreams throughout the time they were abusing me i have a B.A. and a Master's certificate. I have written a novel and I have written about all the countries(60!) I have traveled to and lived in alone as a young woman. I speak another language fluently; I am the only one in my family who is bilingual. I am now beginning piano lessons because I love music and I always wanted to learn how to play an instrument.

    It's been a very painful process but I am happy I am no longer living with mean people and that I meet nice people every day and though I don't know what I want to do exactly I don't need to know right away I am still detoxing form a lifetime of abuse and all I need to do is save the money I do have and make sure I spread it out evenly and have plenty at the end of the month and exercise and this will prevent depression. I am a little worried about finding a place with my puppy but since he will be small I am sure it won't be a problem.

     
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    Old 06-01-2019, 07:17 PM   #2
    MSNik
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    Re: Recovering from Narcissitic abuse in the inbetween

    Congratulations for making such HUGE strides in your recovery! It sounds like you have had a very good therapist or someone helping you learn what it is to love yourself again. Having a puppy doesn't hurt either! Unconditional love from a pet can do wonderful things for us.

    Are you working? You are concerned about money. Talk to someone who can help you budget....you'll feel less stressed when you stick to a budget because you will know what you have and what you can spend and what you can spend it on.

    As far as exercise, there are gyms across the country which are as low as 9.99/ month BUT you can get exercise for free! Since you have access to a computer (you typed this), look for a group in your area which walks...or join a club which bikes- or just go to the closest trails and take a hike... you can exercise especially now in the warmer months without any money. Walking and hiking are the best form of exercise because being out in nature is also very good for your brain. It relaxes it. I have an expensive gym membership, but I still get up every morning and walk around my neighborhood just to start my day. Its about a mile, but its enough to get my heart pumping and I get to see all my neighbors walking their dogs every morning before work. Come to think of it- thats also a great way to exercise. Are there any dog parks in your area where you can take your puppy and let him run around? Running around with your dog would be fun!

    Keep thinking positively and keep taking care of yourself and remember that you are on the other side of what you went through. What is in your past cannot hurt you! Look ahead! There is a whole big world out there ready to have you in it!
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    Old 06-02-2019, 01:10 AM   #3
    notonthat
     
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    Re: Recovering from Narcissitic abuse in the inbetween

    THank YOU so much. No I don't have a job and that is what frightens me so. I am on disability I went on it because they gaslit me to make me dependent and ruin me financially . I have a pension now the disability and I am stressing about that aspect of m life when I really should be celebrating my progress. That is where i feel like a failure but I was bamboozled i was told i was incompetent and to go on disability it kept me relying on them for money.

    I have travelled to 60 countries and I write well so I thought i would self publish my travel tales and I have just finished a novel I do not have money for an editor but i intend to publish it on kindle. I thnk I remember hearing somewhere that if i am open a job will come so I am in the meantime going to make sure that I BUDGET so I am not stuck isolating and practically starving at the end of the month.

    NO I did not have a therapist I did the work on my own I had one therapist for a few months who was great but that was it. I read a lot and did the work alone. Right now my only idea is to look for volunteer positions in third world countries becaue i can afford to live there at least volunteering will give me a new life. But the job part i cannot really worry about now i must keep positive about the money I DO HAVE and budget it take care of my dog and myself and look for a volunteer position. I am very smart and a great worker but i have 2 decades in which i did not work. I look like i am 34 so that is an advantage but I am not going to be negative about jobs because of the incredible achievement of having my self and escaping .

    THANK YOU so much as i have had no one to tell me how far i have come I only see what I do not have a support system and a job but that will come. I have some bad thoughts like now that I am alone i will get a terminal disease one in particular i have a fear about. I fear this because i have felt VERY bad since separating going no contact from the narcs because i really can't accept how horrible they were to me so i have an irrational fear that I will get this illness which comes from repressed emotions and that i will die now that i have made it away form them because of all the terrible pain and depression I have inside i am still blaming myself for not having a life even though cognitively i know what they have done and i feel what they have done i don't know why i am still expecting myself to have a support system which they deliberately destroyed and a job which they also took away through eroding my self esteem.

    I don't have a therapist. It is only an angry part of myself in control now that blames me. I don't blame me deep inside. I was so poor for the last two weeks i did nothing but sit in my room i am getting no exercise I am afraid of getting sick because my mother was a narcissistic hypochondriac by proxy always telling me i would get diseases. THank YOU very much for responding THANK You.

     
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    Old 06-02-2019, 08:07 AM   #4
    yayagirl
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    Re: Recovering from Narcissitic abuse in the inbetween

    Dear notonthat,

    So Of course you have those old emotions, but don't let emotions control your decisions.
    You are obviously very intelligent, so keep on using your mind rather than letting emotions control you; use your intellect. Even when getting disability we can get a job. Even if you just do volunteer work it will increase your sense of self-worth. You have something to offer so keep on offering it.

    Is there a welfare system where you live? Are there charitable food banks? If so avail yourself of those and get the healthiest foods possible to feed your brain.

    I know what negative experiences can do to us. Celebrating progress is important, but also it is crucial is to be very careful to not dwell on the past or what other people think or did. What makes a bigger difference is what we dwell on ourselves and what we tell ourselves.

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    Old 06-02-2019, 12:52 PM   #5
    notonthat
     
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    Re: Recovering from Narcissitic abuse in the inbetween

    Beautifully stated., Yaya. Thank YOU so much. I know a job will come and I am looking into volunteering positions. Right now budgeting is so important to me because if I have money I don't isolate. I am very competent but it is difficult because in order to get work in my home country i need enough money to get back there and to place a deposit for an apartment etc so I guess I will look into the volunteering and see where i go from there. I will also publish my novel and my travel writings for a little extra. My novel is finished and I am so excited about publishing it. I know it needs editing but I cannot afford an editor so in the introduction I included that I think it is very important to get these characters and themes of abuse out there and please forgive the errors as i am a novice. I hope people will understand and not be too critical but really just publishing it will make me feel accomplished.
    What is more important is that I am finally awakening to the fact that it is not my fault that they destroyed my support system and more importantly destroyed me financially, gaslighitng me to belive I was the crazy one. I know what they did to me financially and so I am not blaming myself. This is the biggest accomplishment in my recovery. I feel lighter since i accepted that I was blaming myself and stopped blaming myself and started telling myself the truth of what they did to ruin me vocationally.Thank you so much again You(both people who responded to me) are so kind and you really don't know how much your words of encouragement can change my day! "You are my sunshine..." I hope you have a beautiful day Both of you guys.

     
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