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Spider & The Butterfly Theory

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Old 09-25-2004, 10:08 AM   #1
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Tanki HB User
Spider & The Butterfly Theory

This I posted on another board a long time ago, and thought that perhaps this could help someone understand it better if they have been caught in the web, or was in the past. From my own personal expierence.


This is what my Pdoc told me about talking with my abusive ex...

Words from my Pdoc about my situation with my abusive ex "A" .. my personal spider an the butterfly theory..... I'm not 100% comfortable sharing this, but it could help others, so this is what my phyciatrist told me....

"You were caught in a web, he exerted control in the past. He used intimidation physically and sexualling. You making contact with him was to gain control bacm with who controlled you in the past. "A" Contacting him was reliving the trauma."

"To better understand it think of it has someone who has been kidnapped will often handel situations to gain approval from the kidnappers, being what you want the kidnappers to be in order to be safe. It's the only want to be safe."

"Going into conversations with "A" and dropping to his level is a distorted unhealthy way is of being able to get control and be safe."

"You can tantalize him but he can't have you this time."

"You are still safe from him."

I realized afterwards that wasn't healthy, left me feeling dirty.

"He was the spider, I was the bug. You thought you could escape it, but couldn't." (regarding to contact with him and talking to him)

"Talking like that actually hurts you, having to degrade yourself in order to get approval from him. For you to be able to gain control and have control, since you never had them in the past with him."

"Women who have been abused it isn't uncommon to put themselves in situations to gain control. Often they cannot gain control and end up getting hurt. It's like a broken record."

"At least I'm far enough along that I did this with "A" over the computer and not in public where he could physically hurt me. It is a control thing, and the conversation with him was to take control and not let him continue to have me in his web which he was doing when I talked to him. I dropped to his level to get approval from him."

Again that is the kidnapper and victim method, as well as the spider and bug method.

Aparently Pdoc told me that she has had alot of paitents that do this type of thing. They do it to gain control that they never have. Some of them have turned into prositution , taking pictures of their vagina's (Like I did with my boob a few yrs ago) Stating basically that you cannot have this again, I wont let you.

She said that it's a good thing that I did this over the internet and not in person, that would be putting me into greater risk.

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Old 10-30-2004, 05:02 PM   #2
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zimnah HB User
Re: Spider & The Butterfly Theory

Oy, Tanki...I didn't read that last time you posted it...I may not have been on this board at the time.
Long time no see, dear. Sorry I've been away so long. I must say you've definitely struck a chord with the spider and the butterfly. It led me to another thought: while we were abused by "A", we were essentially like a caterpillar just before it becomes a butterfly; vulnerable to things within, but with a hard shell on the outside, so hard that we couldn't ask for help. Then, when we finally break free, and become butterflies, we take our proud new colours and taunt "A" again with the beauty he can never possess. Sometimes, however, his web has gotten bigger,and we get caught, like you said.
That analogy brings up a few memories. Something new to tell the therapist.
Hope you're well, and that goes for all here on the board. I was in hospital about a month ago. It just got to be too much. Someone at work set off multiple triggers, and I lost it. I'm now home from work on short term medical leave, and no one is urging me back soon. I've requested transfer to another department where I don't have as much contact with the outside as well as less contact with coworkers. I keep telling them: just put me in the basement with a desklamp and I'll do well! LOL
I've missed you all. I just didn't want to infect the board. I'm not sure how to explain that, because I don't mean exactly what it says...I just can't find the words to explain why I kept away as I sank lower and lower. I guess I just didn't want to discourage anyone from helping anyone else, and I was such a wreck, no help would help...if that makes any sense at all, then I must be getting better. If not, don't tell me. They say the crazy person is always the last to know they're crazy. I prefer ignorance in this matter!
I hope you are well, Tanki...and I hope to see more postings from you. Missed ya, luv!

Old 10-31-2004, 01:03 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jun 2002
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Posts: 185
Tanki HB User
Re: Spider & The Butterfly Theory

The theory you said Zimmah wasn't really what that post was about.

Just being stuck in the web, the butterfly being caught by the spider, listening to things and doing things you shouldn't be doing, being caught in the web, and drawn to the abuser.

I am not on this board really anymore. Just haven't had the time to post, because I am on others and they are more active at the moment.

This post was up a long time ago.
I likely wont be on much.

My PTSD is good
My anxiety is meh
My depression is mild.

To tired to give an update.
Helped friends move for 2 days and i'm exhausted.

Might do an update soon. We'll see.

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