It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

Soul searching

Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-30-2004, 11:07 AM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 305
letfayhol HB User
Soul searching

Let me first say that I should be very happy. I am with a good man and I have well behaved loving children. I thought that I could finally be happy, with this new relationship. I still find that I am miserable. I am numb. I don't find joy in anything. I feel lost and alone and sad, but never cry. I should be happy. But I am not and don't know how...

Now I will explain... I have been doing some research on why I might feel this way. I have been on Effexor for the past year. With the Effexor I do get up out of bed and continue with my daily activities. I don't "get about" much cause I feel anxious. So, unless I am with someone, I basically stay home and do my chores. However, the Effexor helps me with this, but I still feel down all the time and anxious. And being with a wonderful man now, I thought I might start feeling better.... I don't

So here is my story...
At 13 my dad got sick with lung cancer. Then at 15 I watched in die. I then at 16 became an alcoholic and at 17 was in an abusive relationship where I would be beaten and mocked. I got help (treatment) and stopped drinking and got out of the abuse. I then dated a nice guy, became pregnant at 18 while in college. I dropped out to work more hours and buy a house. At 19 I had my son (single mom), bought a house 3 months later. I worked, and raised my son alone, no support. Then at age 21...I was raped. It was not really "violent" but I was frightened, felt weak, felt lost, felt ashamed, felt out of control. I began to drink but snapped out of it when I realized where life was headed. I decided to tell someone about the rape, so I sent my mom a letter. Said, I didn't think I would be able to go on with life if one more thing happened. A few days later, my brother was killed by a drunk driver.
I sold my house, moved and only made life harder.
I then met a man that I later married. I (at that time) was diagnoised with histiocytosis (rare blood disease, much like cancer)
I had a daughter, who has been difficult for the past 6 years. I am divorced. He was a loser. We moved several times over the years. I was the only one working, even sick...
Now I am no longer suffering from that disease. My ex now is in the military and is married.
Last year (Dec) I went to my uncles house (who had cancer) and watched a horrible death that night. I still have those visions in my head.
Since then, I have dreamed of my dad and his death also... I did for years but they stopped until last year and now they are back.
I recently found out that I have COPD...Trying to quit smoking, but just an't seem to do it right now.
The guy I am engaged to and living with is a good man. He is affectionate, and loving and gives me all I should want. But I still feel no joy in my heart.
Recently I have been having flasbacks and sickness in my stomach when he touches me...Sometimes he runs his hands on my throat and neck. I told him he is the first to do this without getting smacked. Because when I was raped, the guy had his hands on my throat... He continues to do this. I think to try and get me to "get over it" but my fears are now getting worse. I am more jumpy and been feeling more depressed. I want to stay in bed. I have no interest in anything anymore.

I have been doing some searches for depression and came across PTSD
Could I have this and how is it treated?

Sponsors Lightbulb
Old 12-07-2004, 05:31 AM   #2
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 305
letfayhol HB User
Re: Soul searching

Thank you....
Right now I am only on inhalers for my COPD.... And I take Effexor for depression...
I have noticed this going on for at least 8 years (me being an unhappy person)
I think with all others things that happened I was dealing okay and could still find happiness in things...But after the rape and my brother getting killed...I think that is what did me in... I can't get them out of my head... The Effexor gets me out of bed. But JOY it's just not there...
I just thought what I felt was normal for MY LIFE....But now that I am doing good and in a great relationship, no money troubles etc... I should be able to find happiness and just can't... I shouldn't be having flashbacks from the past, but I do...

Thanks for your reply

Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
When your "soul mate" is married to another... EDC_Light Relationship Health 8 10-17-2009 06:54 PM
I feel like a lost soul twimo Aging Issues 8 11-20-2008 04:52 PM
Online "soul mate" finders? EDC_Light Relationship Health 25 04-17-2007 02:11 AM
My soul mate is gone. etherealnight Grief & Loss 5 08-09-2005 01:08 PM
What is wrong with me? Im backing away from a probable soul mate gbeats Relationship Health 5 05-22-2005 09:23 PM
Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore bastila Depression 2 06-17-2004 06:07 AM
Is it possible tofind your soul mate right away? leelandrover Relationship Health 9 05-26-2004 09:53 PM
How do I live without my soul lisa24 Relationship Health 21 04-01-2004 07:56 PM
Soul Mates...who's the expert? Salinas1 Relationship Health 13 03-22-2004 01:34 AM
Chicken Soup For The Soul Come To Life genesis Open to All Other Health Topics 8 10-18-2001 06:07 AM

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:17 AM.

Site owned and operated by™
© 1998-2018™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!