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i'm new here but have have had ptsd for 6 yrs

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Old 12-13-2004, 12:37 PM   #1
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: NH
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tiredofthispain HB User
Lightbulb i'm new here but have have had ptsd for 6 yrs

hello everybody i'm hoping to find some people to talk to, i've had ptsd for 6yrs and didn't want to believe it and have been fighting it. I have finally decided to except it. and have been dealing with my rape case now for the last two years. I was just turning 15 when i was raped by a 32 years old, that had just married into my family. I never wanted to come out with it because i knew my family wouldn't believe me. And one day i just snapped and came out with it. I don't sleep through the night and have become very compulsive on things i do to keep my self safe. But i'm starting to open up and talking about what happened to me. And this is the first year i've ever used the word rape. the ptsd is at it's worse with flashbacks and nightterrors but i've found a great book to read, and my boyfriend who has been dragged through all of this is reading it and understanding it to. It is hard for people to understand if they have never been through it. i hope there are other people here who know how i feel i'm just tired of dealing with the flashbacks and all of the night terrors. Very tired.

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Old 12-16-2004, 07:38 PM   #2
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: central california
Posts: 81
survivin HB User
Re: i'm new here but have have had ptsd for 6 yrs

yeah, its hard. and i dont think anyone can really appreciate the agony people with ptsd go through every day/night. i got ptsd from seeing to many people die. i used to be a paramedic, so i can only talk from what i know. i am a 37 year old married man. i have been the paramedic on scene of alot of instances of rape. but of coarse,, i dont know exactly what you feel. i do know that it is a very traumatizing event. i know ,i have had patients refuse to be treated by me because i am male and thier attacker was male. its horrible any way you slice it. i guess what i am trying to say is i am sorry you had to be exposed to such a horrible thing. no one should. as far as the flashbacks,anxiety,insomnia,shakes.nause a,vomiting,and so on. your not alone . it has gotten a little eisier over the last year, but it has been no cake walk. my wife is a very loving supportive person that has stuck by me even though i have given her every reason to leave. be sure to say thanks to your boyfriend.
take care

Old 12-19-2004, 10:00 PM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 14
JDean22 HB User
Re: i'm new here but have have had ptsd for 6 yrs

I hope you feel better through all this. I have been molested and held hostage in some mans house. I was 17 and he tied me up and choked me and forced drugs in me. I can imagine how you feel. I wasn't actually raped, but I called out for God right as he was about to enter and the cops said that he went limp because he got scared at that moment that I mentioned God. I just hope that people like us will feel normal again. All people with ptsd. I still have it and it's the worst feeling. I hope that Your guy got put away for a long time. That would at least make you feel better. Mine is being released soon and I'm not prepared mentally. It happened the same exact day as the colombine shooting in colorado. Those men don't know what it feels like on a day to day basis walking feeling uncertain about what is going to happen next. What book did you get? I might want to read it. I am reading "the gift of fear". It is a great book.

Old 12-31-2004, 12:29 PM   #4
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Time2Heal HB User
Re: i'm new here but have have had ptsd for 6 yrs

I am sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I can relate because I went through the same thing from ages 10-15. I also kept it all in and finally in the last 3 years have been trying to accept it. I have the night terrors, the ocd trying to keep safe. I cannot have a relationship because I find it hard to trust anyone. Even friends, when I feel like I am getting close to someone, I unknowingly at the time....push them away too. I have no one to talk to but I have already found this board very helpful to share my experience with others that have similar ones. I hope you find that as well.

Please are not alone, you are not "different", and everything you feel is "ok". Everyone deals different but some you will find deal the same. I hope you and I and all the others can keep talking and opening up and find a way to finally heal all of this pain.

Also, I am on klonopin, it has really helped with the panic and night terrors. I see a reg. dr. and tell him little, I find it hard yet to trust a psy. dr. and until I do feel safe enough, I am just living day by day.

I wish you well!

Old 12-31-2004, 07:56 PM   #5
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 68
Pandakaity5 HB User
Re: i'm new here but have have had ptsd for 6 yrs

Well, I didn't go through rape, but I am going through every day seeing somebody who physically attacked me, I am 15, and him threatening me and trying to hurt me again. I don't know what your situation feels like, I agree with you though that people don't understand PTSD. The school that I go to doesn't. I hope things work out for the best for you!

Old 01-15-2005, 02:00 PM   #6
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: so cal
Posts: 5
taintedsoul HB User
Exclamation Re: i'm new here but have have had ptsd for 6 yrs

PTSD can be there for years before you even address or identify it. It has created behavior problems and surfaced other issues in my life that laid dormant for years.
I am an adult male in my 40's. I have only recently confessed to or confronted my childhood abuse. As a child I was forcibly assaulted, molested and abused for several years until I was 10. The last year this man of power and position defiled me on a daily routine. I managed to wear masks very well for many years - even worked as a sheriff and a minister for years. Finally the last few years things began to surface. I have been married 19 1/2 years and have 4 beautiful children and I believed I had a handle on this damage to my soul. About 7 to 8 years ago I began using drugs (first prescription then street) to numb my pain. It got out of control. I did rehab over and over and found no success. I finally got into therapy with a clinical psychologist and we immediately began addressing the childhood issues. For the last 4 years I have jumped in and out of counseling. If things got to painful or touched to deep a chord within my spirit I just stopped going. I would do well but every 18 to 24 months I would relapse and go out and get high and hide away from reality and my feelings. Well after 2 years clean this last time (3 times in 5 years - my wife packed up the kids and my expedition while I was at work and fled almost 3000 miles away to family (this is family that already despises me for my shortcomings Ė hates me Ė they donít even know me). They donít know the depth of love to which I would lay down my life for my family and the tenderness I have towards my family. I was robbed of this by my own undoing but interfering extensions that donít know me day to day with my family belittle and malign me and distance me further form my wife and kids.
I have screwed up and fell short of what I new I can become inside and wrestle with my own self worth daily. I have made an aggressive move toward finding wholeness and am in therapy and group counseling. I even began to work back in ministry. But the last month I started to suffer some very unique symptoms, flashbacks, dreams, high startle response and anxiety I never experienced before. It had been something I controlled and now it seems to have controlled me. It is important to know as well that my wife is an adult survivor of molestation and rape. She has been consistent in her therapy and treatment for years to address PTSD and other behavioral and psychological problems brought on from her past. So we both have deep scars in our soul that contribute to our problems. She didnít use illegal drugs in the manner I did but she still demonstrated her own addictions and problems.
Through all of our years and the last 7 years of struggling as these things surfaced in my life. It was never a question of my love for my family; I suppose I just didnít love myself because I never felt worthy. I used to strive for being number one in things and then I would walk away before I would lose it. It looks like I was on some slow motion suicide attempt in my effort to cover my hurt. In all of the times that I ran and used and left my family sometimes I even abandoned for days, I never deserted them. Not in my heart. I thought of them often and what I was doing and felt terrible about myself and would use more. My heart was incapable of departing from them no matter how hard I had made it to forget my own suffering.
This is an indescribable wrong to befall anyone especially due to an injustice suffered you have no control over. Something that has tainted and scarred your life so deep it keeps you from the course your life has potential for. I suffered in so many areas due to how I viewed the dark hidden spots of my soul. I have had problems holding a job, building relationships, communicating effectively, expressing love, intamacy and I am continually sabotaging any successes I begin to attain.
Now my pain is tremendous. But I am learning to embrace it. I am even facing my fears and getting a handle on who I am. Understanding that I carried shame that wasnít mine to carry and that I am going to be ok.
Please pray for my journey toward wholeness as I pary for you.

Old 01-21-2005, 05:28 PM   #7
Join Date: Jan 2005
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LittleDzz HB User
Re: i'm new here but have have had ptsd for 6 yrs

I, too am new here. I have been diagnosed with Severe PTSD since 1996. I've been in therapy since 1995. Prior to this, I was a perfectionist, accomplished whatever I set out to do, a workaholic, always the center of attention, always the leader, the organizer...etc, etc. August 5, 1995, the first memory of sexual abuse surfaced. Once the door was open, the flood waters rushed in and I was underwater. My 1st husband of 21 years had sexually abused me throughout our marriage..I even have one memory that happened BEFORE we were married! I couldn't figure out why I couldn't love him... why he repulsed me so, but everyone else just loved him and thought he as so good looking. YUCK! I would cringe at his touch. By the time the memories began to surface, I was in another relationship with my current husband. He has gone through h---, to include going to a support group for significant others of "survivors" of abuse. As the years progressed, other memories came out. I'd been raped twice and escaped rape once. Then another rock my world series of memories uncle molested me on my 5th birthday. My last memory takes me into my teens. Through all this, my father was physically abusive and was and continues to be verbally and emotionally abusive. I've been abused my entire life. My husband really has gone through a lot, but I have to tell you, he has also fallen into the catagory as one of my abusers. He verbally and emotionally abuses me...I never know what to expect. I guess I fall in that group of people that feel that they are not worthy of anything else. That's the way it's supposed to be. Oh now...before I get a ton of responses to that, I know it's not, but why does it always turn out to be? I've isolated from all my friends...well, used to be friends. They got tired of the negative and Diane wasn't the fun, entertaining person she used to be, so they all went their separate ways. I am suffering from anxiety (taking max dose of Klonopin). The med they have me on for my sleep disorder is also an antidepressant, which seems to be helping some. I have stomach problems, so I don't eat right...and since Aug, 1995 I've had headaches 24/7, with migraines everyday...sometimes 2-3xday. Those seem to be getting a little better too. Pain to me is something I live with everyday. I have to have a tumor removed from my arm and the pain is horrific, but I deal with it. There'a always something wrong with me, so I feel defective all the time. I've gone back into my hiding place with my nightmares and flashbacks...for the most part...due to the security of my marriage being shaken a few years ago. Things are getting better, but my husband was the only one I could really trust...he went through it all with me...and he's hurt me...he's hurt my heart and soul...sometimes not meaning to, most times deliberately. He's a rageaholic and he takes out any anger he has with anyone or anything on me. Why am I still here? I live on SSD...I can't afford to live on my own right now. I need two major surgeries this year, so I need his help financially and otherwise. He does seem to be trying. He knows he almost lost me and he also knows his actions have changed my love for him, so he is trying. He just slips sometimes. Enough of that. If I may suggest...possibly and ACOA meeting (Adult Child of Alcoholics) would be very helpful. Although the title indicates alcohol, I went with my husband, as he is an ACOA and he wanted me to go with him. He just knew it would help me if I went. I was amazed at the people there for many reasons...abuse included. There's a great book called POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (sorry, don't have the author right now), but that's all that's in the title. It is an easy read and so informative. I wish you all luck with your recovery and look forward to the support on this board. Take care...diane

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