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*TRIGGERING* I havent been here in awhile

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Old 05-07-2005, 02:48 PM   #1
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KandE HB User
Exclamation *TRIGGERING* I havent been here in awhile

I am not sure if i introduced myself before, so I will do it now. My name is Laura and I am 32 years old. They say I am a Survivor, although sometimes i dont feel that way. From the time i was 2 untill I was 10, I was sexually, physically and severly emotionally abused. I was locked in a dark room and was only left out long enough to eat, out to do what he wanted me for. I was beaten daily with anything he could get his hands on. I was not allowed a bed to sleep on, so all I had was a wool blanket that made me itch so very badly. My sister had a bed and I climbed up with her once and he came in and threw me across the room and repeatedly kicked me over and over. my sister thought I was dead. So that was then....
I got married and had my first child, only to lose him a month later. Then the Domestic Violence started. So the DV was basicly the same stuff as the child abuse. I finally left in 2002.

I have flashbacks a movie continueing to play over and over. I am afraid of the dark, and I dont like to be outside. I am afraid of older men, and some colors really throw me in a loop. I refuse to allow my 2 children 5 and 12 to go outside alone, my oldest is suppose to walk to school and I wont let her, I wont let her stay at friends homes or anything, because I am scared of what might happen.

I say I dont feel like a survivor because I feel this has taken over my life. I cant get a grasp. I tried stuffing it away and pretending it didnt happen, but that didnt work, So I go to therapy instead. Suicide has always seemed to be an option for me, and my dr. knows and I am on medication and see him weekly. Its just so hard. Perpertrator #1 died in prison, but he still haunts me. I am also BiPolar and Borderline Personality.

I am looking for people who understand my fears andsomeone to be supportive. I am scared of living like this.
I hope I didnt say too much.


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Old 05-07-2005, 03:22 PM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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littlejmb HB Userlittlejmb HB User
Re: *TRIGGERING* I havent been here in awhile

Laura, you are not alone, but your story is much worse than most I have heard. My heart goes out to you! My husband was sexually abused by an alcoholic uncle when he was very small. He did not tell anyone about it because the uncle manipulated him into thinking no one would ever believe him and he was afraid his mother and father would beat him for saying anything about this man, whom they thought was wonderful. He got into alot of trouble when he was a little older - acting out, and was put into a reform school for boys for a while.

When he and I met and started dating, he was newly divorced with a baby, who lived with the mother. He drank alot, but I married him anyway. Later, the drinking would really get out of hand. There were periods he would get very depressed and dissapear for a few days at a time. Later I found out that he would get a hotel room and just stay there and drink until he got over it. As time went on, this continued to happen periodically and about 9 years ago, it got really bad. He went into a deep depression and was drinking and disappearing frequently. I was ready to leave him, but I finally drug out of him what was wrong. He finally told me and was so ashamed. I got him to a good psychiatrist and therapist and over time, he got a lot better. But, he still has nightmares about his uncle. I guess he will always haunt him. I don't know what he actually did to him, and I really don't want to know. But, I feel like he has robbed him, of a peaceful happy life, and I can understand completely where you are coming from. Hang in there, you are on the right track, and hopefully things will get better for you!

Old 05-09-2005, 09:53 AM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Massachusetts
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bjm32 HB User
Re: *TRIGGERING* I havent been here in awhile

Hi Laura,
My name is Bunny and I am 32. I was abused by my uncle from age 10-16. Both my parents are addicts and alcholics and they frequently had "drug parties" and that was when the abuse would occur. Of course it got worse when they asked him to move in. Anyways, as soon as I could, I got out of my house. I met a wonderful guy and got pregnant. We married 6mths later and are still married today. My husband was the first person I told about the abuse, but when I told him, it was as if I was talking about someone else. I was able to put it "away" in my mind and just believed that this didn't really happen to me. Well, two yrs ago, I "snapped" and tried to kill myself. Since then I was in therapy and on numerous medications. I recently saw my GYN and he told me I was on all the wrong meds for PTSD and he also said that I had ADD and he is now treating me for that. Our last appt was 2 and half weeks ago and I've been worse than ever. He talked alot about the abuse and what I must have been feeling, and he talked about alot of other stuff that I didn't want to deal with, ya know? I was in therapy for 2 yrs and she never brought up the things that he did. All she did for me was teach me how to breathe. Now I am afraid to leave the house, I have 2 kids and don't trust anyone with, and I've been so focused on trying not to feel the pain that I've been searching the internet on successful suicide methods. My husband "caught" me and now I believe he's ready to leave me because his wife is crazy again. I think he's sick of me being sick. I also think I see my uncle everywhere. Some music triggers me, I can't watch any show that even mentions rape, etc.. I swore that I wasn't going back to my GYN because now I'm worse but I did make an appt for this week, going to give it another try. I feel like I've already died and I'm walking around in someone else's body.
Enough about me, you won't always feel the way you do now. Remember our feelings aren't facts. That helps me, sometimes. What happened to you is awful but you are doing good things to help yourself, seeing a doctor and being on meds. We have to learn how to take the power back. You don't give up and just take it one day at a time. ~Bunny

Old 05-09-2005, 10:03 AM   #4
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 194
dwallech HB User
Re: *TRIGGERING* I havent been here in awhile

Please know that you are not alone. Come here and post and everyone here is so supportive. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was sexually abused as a child by a brother and a friend of my mother. To get away, I got married at 15 while pregnant. I have two sons. I went from there to a marriage with guns held to my head etc. I didn't trust anyone, mostly not even myself as I felt I couldn't make good decisions. I was having constant nightmares and lived many terrifying years. I finally had a police escort to get out. I was a single parent for 13 years. I, too, would not let the boys go out on their own. I was probably overprotective, but don't regret it as it kept them save. They don't seem to have any residual effects from it. In fact they always have appreciated it. Getting therapy was the best thing I did. It has been a long road. I am now, years later, married to a wonderful man. He is truly wonderful, and is so understanding. I hope, in time, you find it to understand you didn't do anything. I always felt I was to blame. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Again, know everyone here is here to help each other

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