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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board to PTSD board...

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Old 02-08-2007, 05:44 PM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 351
orchardlady HB User
Smile to PTSD board...

...have spent a few days in Self-Injury Recovery board

Originally Posted by the mad katter View Post
("Give a man a mask and he'll tell you the truth!" - Oscar Wilde)
The quote above says it all about how much I have written in the S-IR board. When I see Dr.Jim (my therapist) it is so hard to talk about my far too many issues...but here the "mask" makes it much easier.

This is me...down and dirty...

Sannah suggested that I should probably come into this board. She and Nikki have been so kind in being responsive to my long rambling thread.

Sannah, to reply to a couple of your questions to me in the S-IR board...
"Do you think that you are feeling a bit more vulnerable starting to reveal yourself here? Maybe this is why you are feeling more anxious."
No, my anxiety is due to inability to allow myself to enjoy my new home and feel worthy of it, purchased by my daughter and son in law, with whom I will share the mortgage payment; letting them purchase this home has been like letting my guard down and letting them into my world, forcing me to confront my inability to see my value in this world and my question as to why anyone would want to do such a kind thing for me (the centerpiece of my conversation with Dr.Jim today)...goodness, my son in law filled my gas tank yesterday and I had a hard time with that simple kindness...I have worked so very hard these past 22 yrs since my divorce to take care of myself and trying not to ask for help upcoming (this Sat) trip into D.C. for an annual PD conference, where I fear I will forget myself while sitting for hours in sessions and "pick" my arms...yes, I am taking my hand-held squeeze balls with me...ugh
...and my upcoming biopsies.

"Do you live near a dental school?"
I did check on schools a when I first moved to PA. There are two in Philadelphia...a very long drive...or two hours by train. It is worth looking into again, even if the distance is so far.

"Hiding yourself from others is exhausting."
One day I will be able to tell my daughters, but that day is not anytime soon. I just hate the thought of dredging up the horrors of their childhood, which are referred to in such a miniscul way in my S-IR thread, since I am sure that they have blocked out a lot, as I have done my childhood. My daughter's mother in law, who is my friend, and whom I live next door to now, has noted my picking, but she doesn't know why. Since I finally let my forearms heal, she has not commented again.

Now I am off to bed with my nausea, so I can have night sweats all wonderful is this!! Life is so fun!

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Old 02-09-2007, 06:08 AM   #2
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,913
stick2013 HB User
Re: to PTSD board...

Hi Orchard,

I have read your post on the SI board.....Welcome to the PTSD board!!!!!!

I don't think that your continuing to do SI is an option anymore. You know that you have to STOP, and you know that you should. We ALL have our demons in life to face, we all have our share of problems... IT'S HOW WE CHOSE TO REACT TO THEM, that is the key........

Like I have said to everyone else on this board.....You can choose to be a survivor or you can choose to be a victim.....If you choose to be a survivor, then there is so much work to do, and we will be here to help...... We care, we feel your pain, we will offer advice, but YOU have to be willing to HELP YOURSELF..........The choice is yours.......


Old 02-09-2007, 06:16 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,006
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: to PTSD board...

Originally Posted by orchardlady View Post
letting them purchase this home has been like letting my guard down and letting them into my world, forcing me to confront my inability to see my value in this world and my question as to why anyone would want to do such a kind thing for me
Orchidlady, so glad that you made it over here. Sid, the part about not wanting to accept help sounds like you! I have yet to understand this but I hope to one day.

Everyone here, hope you can get over to the Self-injury board to read Orchidlady's biography on her thread over there.

Old 02-09-2007, 06:48 AM   #4
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 351
orchardlady HB User
Re: to PTSD board...

Thanks for the welcome, Sid

Sannah, that particular quote you posted from my words...that issue is the most difficult for me. I spent an hour yesteday with Dr.Jim over this issue. It is so deep-seated in me and I have a very hard time finding words to describe the feelings...value, worthiness, etc. So, when the issue is discussed I spend 50% of the hour crying

One of the issues with my father that still angers me after 58 yrs is that I was, and still am, my fathers favorite child. My older sister was the rebelious one...still is...that is where she hides from he world...rebellion and anger. My younger sister was the shy, timid one and he hated her because as the third and last child, she was not a boy. My father put his fist though a one side and out the other side...over her inability to have a "backbone"...I watched this, after so many decades, I can tell you where every stick of furniture, nick-knacks, etc. were in the room, and the color of each item. I was the middle-of-the-road middle child; never rebelled, never stood up to him, always trying to please to avoid the result of not pleasing.

Survivor...that is the single word that describes me best. I have survived so many ordeals that it is hard to count them all. I have incredible tenacity...which had carried me through. It has only been in the past two years that my life has quieted down. This quietness is what I have such a hard time with. Hardship and surviving day in and day out are distractions in themselves. No distractions...the haunts and ghosts of the past find away off the shelf, and seem to unlock the closet door on their own...thus invading my mind...thus my constant battle with QUITE LITERALLY running away into a forest, sitting down with my insulin and a syringe, and never rising again...running is so easy to do. But, the survivor in me and my tenacity keep me moving...d___ it!! As do the presence of my grandchildren in my life. The thought of them suffering the aftermath of me voluntarily leaving planet earth is more than I can bare.

To this day my children and I have never discussed my suicide attempt, and it would be naive of me to even begin to think they were not affected by my action. They were only 11, 14 and 15 at the time.


p.s. Preferring my real name. I can still where my mask even if you all know my real name. Oops on the spelling...not a focus when I ramble.

Old 02-09-2007, 11:02 AM   #5
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,006
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: to PTSD board...

Carolyn, after I posted that I don't understand how a person can not accept help from others I then realized later that I think that I can understand this. You have in your mind that you are of little value so it is hard to accept that anyone would do anything nice for someone who has little value? For you to accept this you have to think of yourself as valuable and you just can't do this yet? I understand about spending the whole hour crying in front of the therapist. This is exactly what I did for the first few sessions of every new issue that I dealt with. It is therapeutic. Go for it! Release all that pain.

You sound like you have a wonderful daughter and son-in-law to take care of you so! You are blessed!

So you feel angry because you were your dad's favorite? You were a survivor, studying what you had to do to escape his wrath! This probably made you very outwardly forcused on your dad's needs at the expense of paying attention to your own needs. Focusing on his needs was a survival mechanism which served you well. You don't need this survival mechanism anymore now. It is safe now to focus on your own needs. This focusing on your dad's needs to the point of walking on egg shells also probably set you up pretty good to be anxious. You grew up never knowing the feeling of security and safeness. Through work and understanding you can come to know these feelings, however.

I can see how having a quiet life now would allow you to focus on your past horrors. When you are in constant chaos there isn't any time for reflection it's just survival mode.

Carolyn, do you feel guilt about your suicide attempt? I'll bet you were a caring mother.

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