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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

I am feeling so small

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Old 10-15-2008, 10:46 AM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: usa
Posts: 1
peacelove34 HB User
Unhappy I am feeling so small

Ok, here goes facing most irrational fear of this hour----- actually posting on a message board. Hee hee.
I'm a 34 year old mother of two. Survivor of childhood traumas. I have done therapy and actually live my life fairly well considering the daily issues of making sure I'm in check and not being abusive or dammaging with my children. The major issues like nightmares and not being able to sleep without seeing my abusors eyes etc. have long since evaporated I just have to deal with anxieties and irrational fears etc. Being a parent as well makes it exhuasting at times but I think I'm doing ok, my kids are good kids and we talk about everything.
To make a long story short, about a year and a half ago I started experiencing physical pains that made it difficult to walk or even move. I quit working the normal labor jobs I'm used to and got a computer job from home. I got an infection that I didnt get taken care of until a month ago, gained a ton of weight from being non active and then went to the hospital with a cat scratch that became cellulitus, when they were clearing up that infection they finally addressed the infection in my stomach which was an angry red by now after a year of being ignored. So I was told that most of my issues couldnt be dealt with until i lose a lot of weight. So lets back up a little, while having an infection and being emotional already my emotional state started to suffer while i was sick I became too afraid to leave my house etc. etc. Ok, back to recent events while in hospital, my one friend who also has childhood abuse issues, untreated went alittle nuts on me. I caught on that something might be bothering her and there is but shes gone all thats there is the grief shes feeling and currently her chosen method of dealing with her grief is by dumping all over me.
I've not had one ciggarett since entering the hospital aug 24 and have lost 35 pounds since coming home. I'm walking with a cane but I'm leaving my house and walking every evening and I have even started doing my own shopping again but I miss my friend and have no one to share with. So silly me I attempted to contact her and see how its going which is when she ripped into me with the most hurtfull things a friend could say to a friend.
So as silly as this may be I'm feeling small and lost and lonely. The anger wants to rise up and I have visions of lashing out and sending the hurt right back to her but instead I thought maybe I'd just turn a different direction and see where it takes me. Thanks for listening. peacelove34

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Old 10-20-2008, 12:07 AM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 477
maybecrazy HB User
Re: I am feeling so small

Hi Peacelove 34 and welcome,

Wow you have been through a lot but look at what you have achieved, you've stopped smoking, you've lost weight, you;ve brought up kids, you used to be stuck indoors and now you're out there walking and doing shopping you deserve not just one round of applause but many !

As to your friend, it's hard when someone you care about lashes out - sometimes they just need space - if you still want contact try sending a card - it's non confrontational - you can say how much you miss their friendship and then the balls in their court - but don't let that make you forget all that you have done - losing weight isnt easy and going out after you have restricted yourself to your home isnt either (been there) give yourself a pat on the back

Take care MBC

Old 10-27-2008, 06:42 AM   #3
Junior Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Milwaukie, Oregon, USA
Posts: 12
skyp56 HB User
Re: I am feeling so small

Hi Peacelove!
I am so impressed with your positive attitude! You have been through so much, yet you worry so much about what others are going through.

Hooray for you, for quitting smoking, too! I think it is so much harder to go through when you have major emotional and physical issues too. I quit smoking 4 months ago, and I went through a really bad period, which I'm glad seems to be past.

Keep up the positive thinking, and take good care of yourself!

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