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adultorchild 03-24-2009 12:04 AM

Rock and a Hard Place
What does one do when trying to live as an adult only makes others miserable, while looking for--in my case--a mother, while apparently more honest, reduces the possibility of living a normal life? That is where what I can only call PTSD has left me--damned if I do and damned if I don't.

maybecrazy 03-25-2009 03:29 PM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
Hi Adultorchild and welcome:wave:

I'm a bit confused.... not unusual for me! :) are you talking about looking for a real mother - like a birth mother? if so and thats what you need to do - then you have to do what you need to do - its difficult to answr this without more info:confused:

If you are talking about the chlld inside looking for a mother it felt it never had - then this is where a therapist can help you find the means to fill the needs of the child inside - help to heal it and help you become a whole instead of a fractured person

Either way people around you may not like you changing and growing - they are used to the old you and may not like or feel comfortable with the new one -

Don't know if any of this helps - take care :)

adultorchild 03-25-2009 11:55 PM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
thank you, maybecrazy :-)

I think it might be useful to say that I was raised in relative seclusion and persecuted, both--the result being that, so far as I know, I was broken as a person and had no hope for living without having everything ripped away from me. My mom was responsible for the persecution, while my dad did nothing to stop her. And I knew better than to cross my dad, because at least once he hit me as hard as he could, I think, with a belt. So I'm afraid of men, and look to women to put my trust in--obviously not always successfully. Does that help?

maybecrazy 03-28-2009 04:27 PM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
I am sorry that the people who should have loved and protected you harmed you instead - and you said that your mother was responsible for the persecution but by not intervening your father was equally responsible - and as for hitting you... no-one has the right to beat a child - I am sorry that you had to go through that

are you seeing a therapist?

it sounds like you have been through a lot - because of my childhood I learned to trust no-one and because of that have only had one relationship - which was a mistake - BIG mistake :( I guess seeing a therapist (psychologist) has helped me start to trust again - has taught me that I am not evil or bad because of what was done to me - that they were just exercising their insecurities and problems onto me and that that is not my fault - the same as when you were a child your mother may have said horrible things - that doesnt mean they are true - you may not have received the love and affection that as a child you needed to grow - but that doesnt mean you are unlovable or hopeless - there is always hope - even on the darkest night - even though it may not seem so and can sometimes be hard to find

well I've waffled on - I hope you are well - and I wish you well with your journey of healing :)

captnanny 03-29-2009 11:22 AM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
Sorry for jumping in on this post but I can understand your pain and feelings completely. I was a bit confused at your first post but do feel like I am often between a rock and hard plate. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I had a pretty awful childhood but always was searching for mother figure. The problem was that even at 25, 30, and 39 I wanted the chance to live my life as a little girl with a nice safe mommy. That is not physically possible. When I realized this I felt all hope was lost. My coping mechanisms were not working any more either. So my therapist was finally able to start doing some honest work with me. I came to realize that I am not what or who I though I was. I have to start working on getting my own life, free from my dad and mom's lives and the things I knew. I feel like I am starting all over again only I am 39 years old and alone. I feel lonely and sad. Honestly I wish I had people in my life. I just thought I'd jump in here since I feel like either way I move I'll be sad or depressed.

maybecrazy 03-29-2009 06:11 PM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
captnanny is right - healing can take place - we can give to ourselves what was not given by our parents - there is always hope :)

adultorchild 03-29-2009 10:44 PM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
I don't disagree with that--I've come a long ways from where I was when I first moved away from home(I know who and what I am inside)--but I don't (and can't) imagine accomplishing real-world progress on my own (wouldn't it only make others miserable, myself included?), and I don't count on their being workable provisions for people outside of once-a-week therapy-sessions with a psychologist--isn't something more needed that isn't really there in real life?

maybecrazy 03-29-2009 11:31 PM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
therapy can give you techniques to deal with the problems you have and ways to cope with them outside of therapy - change with the assistance of a therapist to my mind and from my experience is longer lasting and more effective than just trying to go it alone.

I tried the go it alone - fix my own problems and it didnt work for me - working with a therapist is helping me to learn to deal with both my symptoms and how it affects other - cause and effect - I dont think i would have got to where I am today without my T's help

are you in therapy -forgive me if I have asked before - my memory is crap at the moment

adultorchild 03-30-2009 11:25 PM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
no--I'm not in therapy--aside from the cost, I had no conception that there were any accredited (is that the right word?) techniques to employ to benefit oneself. In addition, I've had to cope with social isolation in addition to persecution--not exactly a recipe for hope, I thought. If anything, I seriously thought that if there were such a thing as mental triage, I would naturally be classified with the most hopeless cases. I have been aware, for example, that wild-childs, if not caught in time, forfeit any hope of being able to speak. Isn't there a comparable time limit imposed by lack of socialization?

Ponders 03-31-2009 12:52 PM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
Hi adultorchild,

[QUOTE=adultorchild;3939521]In addition, I've had to cope with social isolation in addition to persecution--not exactly a recipe for hope, I thought. [/QUOTE]

Seeing how far you have come until now, I'd say you have done an excellent job. Coping with issues like you have to cope with is very difficult, and I have to say I respect you for your effort and the fight that you obviously have within you to beat this. There's always hope, always. Don't give up! Hang in there!


captnanny 04-01-2009 02:08 AM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
Hi adultor
I'm dealing with or living with social isolation right now. It is not a fun place to be in, I understand what you're saying and have felt like the "real" world is not for me. I just can't think of another alternative. My therapist says that practice; going to one social group to try it out is the only thing that will help. She said it could be going to a friends house or anything with somebody. The problem is I don't know anybody anymore so where am I going to go to? I understand you're dilema, I feel what you've posted and I want to let you know your not alone. It is something I intend to overcome I just hope it's by a majic fairy but fairy tales aren't real life. It's just real hard to face my fears out there and do it alone.

adultorchild 04-01-2009 08:43 PM

Re: Rock and a Hard Place
Not knowing any better way to go myself up to this point, I resorted to directly putting myself out there for someone to respond and take a maternal place in my life in order to give me the foundation which was otherwise ripped away from me by my parents. Therapy with useful techniques is nice, but I find myself in real life gravitating towards women who interact with me as though they were responsible for me like a mother (I support myself--I'm a janitor at McDonald's--17 years now), but I can't see how I could deal with life without that kind of love from someone--so that's what I look for--is there really any better way out?

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