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Maybe this is me?

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Old 08-28-2003, 12:33 PM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Watauga, Texas, United States
Posts: 95
nelldance HB User
Question Maybe this is me?

Okay, I am 21. I have a fear of death, but not my own. Other people. It all started when my cousin died. I was 8, she 17. We got a call at 2 a.m., she had killed herself through the carbon dioxide poisoning. She and I were very close, like my big sister. I didn't want to go the funeral. I chose not to, because I didn't want to see any more people I loved cry so much. Then a year later my great-grandmother, whom I am named after passed away unexpectedly the week before I was going to visit her for my birthday. Again, I chose not to attend the funeral. Mostly because my mother was so deeply hurt. Then when I was in junior high, I became very close to a teacher. I visited her every morning and every day after school. She and I even had weekend shopping sprees. One evening, she had a stroke and passed away. I refused to go to school, but three hours later, I begged to go, because I realized being alone makes it worse. I went, and I spent the whole day in the counselors office with three of my very close friends: Amy, Krista, and Jeremy. Remember these names! A year after this my grandpa went to heaven. This is the third funeral I had been to: my teacher, my dads friend from high school, and grandpa. I felt like it was a final goodbye, so I decided not to miss anymore funerals. A few months went by and THree of my friends were in a fatal accident. Two of them died. I had known them for 7 years. It was so hard, because everyone was so sad. All I did was cry. Then, in 9th grade: 1st year of high school, my best friend Amy (she had cancer three years earlier, but was in remission) got really sick again. It was in her brain. Her mother told me, and asked me to find a song for her funeral. I had one last long conversation with her, and two days lkater she was gone. The next week, Krista had to move 1000 miles away with no notice. It was so terrible. None of these deaths really affected me until I lost my friend Jeremy. It was his 20th birthday. I saw him three hours before his party, we talked, I promised to be there, hugged and left. Well, I had to go to my college, so I didn't make it to his party. He got murdered that night. He left the party to get away from the noise and it happened. I just knew if I was there, I would have kept him form leaving. We usually don't let anyone leave the apartment. I still think of this every day. Two months later a good friend from high school was killed in a horrible car accident. Every one was still in shock. I was mortified. How????? So, by this time I am fearing death. I was beside myself. Three months go by and yet another great person in my lifde was killed by a drunk driver. It just keeps happening. I can't stop thinking about it, it ruins things alot. Certain songs, certain places...... It reminds me of them, and I breakdown.

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Old 10-02-2003, 07:02 AM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 21
xsalacityx HB User

i have a similar thing ...for the past 6 years i have had two people who were related or close to me in some way die every year... i have been to alot of funerals ... these include WATCHING (litterally) my grandmother die... i have horrible horrible dreams i have been in counselling for years but the dreams didnt really start untill i watched her die ...also someone i knew was murderd as well.... by someone i also knew its all very sad and i understand what you mean my grandfather is the closest person in the world to me and everytime he gets sick i get so worked up about the thought of him dying that i feel physical pain its horrible i cry all the time (he was diagnosed fatal and they will not resus about four weeks ago) so yes i understand i wish i knew how to help you but i dont because right now i am at a loss ive never been so horribly depressed in my life i also have had alot of lies and deceat in my life and i cant stand it anymore (im diagnosed with major depressive dissorder and insomnia i am also what they call a selfharmer... ie i cut myself) life is hard... when people ask me how i am i no longer say good as an auto response,.... i now say alive... because thats all i am now.

i havent had anyone die this year yet and i geuss im sitting here waiting... maybe this year my trend will change? i am highly doubtful tho... and so scared about when it happens... good luck with everything with that much loss in your life you deserve to be happy

just wondering... are you scared to get close to people incase they leave? i know i am.


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