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  • im pretty sure i have ptsd



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    Old 05-10-2014, 08:31 AM   #1
    diagnosisx
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    im pretty sure i have ptsd

    I have a lot of mental scars and I'm a sensitive person. I think I'm too sensitive for this life in fact. I am sensitive to anything from noise to light to ANY thought. My every thought haunts me. I intake the most simple situations sometimes as horror or dread.
    I have seen a psychiatrist and psychologist but both have said I should be medically cleared first. Well, I have been to the Dr and diagnosed with many benign things. But all those benign things add up and are very disabling. Plus I have yet to get a thorough check up. I need to get a larynoscopy and bronchoscopy. I have major issues with airways and lungs. Can barely walk or speak. I was recently told all my symptoms were due to Lyme which I tested positive for.

    I'm aware stress makes illness worse and can trigger hormones or illness and thus weakens the body. My ears and eyes are so painful that I can't even look at light or be in the sun and can't be around noise. The vertigo and ear issues I am told is from tinnitus and bpv, along with vestibular tear. Sure nothing that'll kill me but the vertigo is horrible. I also convulse at night and have nocturnal seizures.

    Anyway, I was told by Drs in the past I may have anxiety or some psych illness. Well, like I said, I went down that route of psych Dr and they can't help me. They gave me med and none of the med has worked. Xanax and klonopin makes my issues worse. Adavan too. Nowadays the DRs are saying it is just my medical issues and they've ruled out psych issues. But my mom insists I have psych problem, likely panic.

    I do have panic due to a stressful life of being homebound and by people telling me I have anxiety. So I'm in a catch 22.

    But I also have PTSD I think....because I have had bizarre things happen in my life. At 18 I left home and strip danced. No biggie right? Yeah maybe for some. For me? Huge biggie. I was a young innocent SHELTERED girl who went into a scary city to be molested on the streets, raped, was homeless during many of my ventures and never asked for help, was kidnapped and got away, etc. This stuff always happens to young runaways or wild girls. So it is my fault I put myself in that situation. I have lived with immense guilt for strip dancing doing Coors light contests in my bikini and such. I was not that type of girl. My exs all abused me mentally and some physically. My fault too because I let them and never left them. I have guilt over my little sister too because I feel I have failed her as a good role model. I have nightmares each night about that. I have about ten nightmares per night and always remember them. Also from a break in. Then was held at gunpoint. I was bullied as a kid and never told anyone. I kept it all in. I never thought anyone would care. I was abandoned by friends and to many people they would say who cares. To me it was the end of the world. The end of my world, that is. My friends mean so much to me. But many left me. While this may be natural to me I can't let it go. I'm a loyal person and they ditched me. I don't hold a grudge. But so sad over it. No one understands. Of course they do not understand, because they are not like me and I am just so different from the rest of the world. I am so different but I cannot relate to people n I am too loyal for my own good. I have guilt over so many things that I know were not even my fault, but yet I still have guilt. I have nightmares over my sister being bit by a dog, just to name one of a million. Now, you may think that I should just go get a hobby, but that's the problem, because my life has been full of them. I've had these issues since I was a little kid, and even while doing things my mind will race. I can play the piano and sing at the same time, and I'll still think of guilt the entire time. No matter how hard I try, I cannot let this go. I can't let go of my childhood as well.

    I have a racing mind to top things off. I have always had a very fast paced mind, & I have always been a very talkative person. I am beginning to think that I am a manic person by nature. I think it has all caught up to me and eating me alive. There may be no way out and I believe I am a case study. No person out there can fix me or help me. Not even a shrink or psychiatrist. I am an isolated case, a very unique case. I do not think there is anyone out there like me. To top things off, I already think differently than most people and identify myself as an indigo. If you don't know what that is, google it.

    Last edited by diagnosisx; 05-10-2014 at 08:51 AM.

     
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