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Postpartum Depression (PPD) Message Board

  • My story with PPD. Just wanted to share.

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    Old 11-15-2013, 08:38 AM   #1
    Viking64
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    Smile My story with PPD. Just wanted to share.

    It was 19 years ago. We had tried for many years to have a baby. Finally we were blessed. Emergency c-section because I developed fever after water broke. The hospital put my DD in NICU and wouldn't allow me to see her for days.

    Anyway, so this abrupt delivery, (actually my water broke the morning I was supposed to get laid off. LOL. Nice timing, becuase I actually got 6 weeks of maternity leave and unemployment). Talk about a life changing event, no job, and a baby I was supposed to love? Really?

    Within three weeks of baby coming home, I knew I was in trouble. I was constantly anxious and crying. My parents flew my sister in to NY to bring me and my DD to MN. We stayed three weeks there. My mother taking the night feedings. My DD starting to get colicky at about 6 weeks post-partum. But, I felt stronger emotionally and we returned to NY.

    Once home, my DD would cry all day, and not much sleep. I would watch my husband leave for work with a crying baby in my arms, and I would cry too. We both would be crying when he got home from work too.

    I never though about hurting her. But the anxiety and depression was again increasing. Luckily I had my inlaws a couple of blocks away, and I was able to drop DD off at the drop of a hat. Her crying was so bad even the the inlaws looked frazzled when I would pick her up. ROTFL. (I think they would break out the booze after I picked up her).

    It it wasn't crying, DD needed to be in motion. Battery operated swing was my friend, or hubby pushing her in stroller, and boucing/dancing her to sleep. There was no rest for the weary. The days seemed to blend into each other in a hazzy stupor.

    Discovered Chamomile Tea with a little sugar in it. That seemed to help DD with the crying and screaming somewhat. Gave that to her daily. (also tried the gas-x drops, and all that other stuff). Also switched formula to Lactose-Free formula.

    But, boy, was I still going downhill. I had long distance emotional support from my family. But this was so different, this feeling of anxiety, depression, and nothingness. I recognized that I was sliding off the cliff and hanging on with one fingertip. Husband's family didn't understand. "Don't think about it" was what they said. Really? "Where is that switch to turn it off?" was my snippy retort.

    It gets kinda fuzzy in my memory now. I just know I said to my husband "I need help". I didn't know how to go about it. I couldn't think straight. I needed someone to take control. So, at one of my post partum check ups, my husband came with me. The OB/GYN looked at him suspicious and said "what's up"? I burst into tears, and my husband told him that I needed help. That is all it took. He gave us the phone number of a psychiatrist that dealt with PPD. The medication that I was put on helped me alot. I did still have his family to drop DD off with. Things looked brighter. I was able to cope with baby, a crying baby.

    I was on medication for about 5-6 months and weaned off. I said to hubby, it took us years to get pregnant, as long as I am home now, and DD wasn't crying as much, maybe we should try for another baby. (I know, shocking isn't it? Why would I go through that hell again)?

    Low and behold got pregnant right away when first DD was 9 months old. Things were going well until my DD starting walking. I think the walls and every inanimate object in the room would tense up when she would enter the room. She was very active toddler, and emotional meltdowns were par for the norm.

    When I was 5 months pregnant, I began having panic attacks. I thought what am I going to do with "another" crying baby, and deal with an overactive toddler? I was falling hard again. Real hard. this time I recognized I needed help ASAP. Went back on medication again. I knew I didn't have a choice.

    Stayed on medication through the rest of the pregnancy, had natural delivery 17 months after first baby. Wow, this time I actually loved my baby the minute I saw her. LOL. What a difference. A healthy baby too as I was worried over taking pills during last 4 months of pregnancy. This 2nd baby was so good too. Who had a baby that would just go to sleep on her own without crying? Unbelievable. Which was great because 1st DD was a mobile terror on wheels now.

    I stayed on medication for a year after delivery, and then was weaned off. Everything was fine and great.

    Six years later, after a misscarriage, I had a 3rd DD. I didn't need medication at all, during pregnancy or after. I was prepared to ask for help if I needed it. I even asked for PPD pamplets in the hospital after delivery. Everyone watched me like a hawk. This time, that moment never came.

    It is 19 years later. My first DD is in college. She is smart, self confident, and has a wicked sense of humor. A high maintenance baby turned into this? Really??

    Amazing to think back to that first year, and know that I couldn't feel the motherly love that everyone says is just an instinct. (Which made me feel worse at the time. I didn't "hate" her, I just didn't "love" her). I jokingly call her satan's spawn when I think back to that first year. I do know that about somepoint, when she was about a year old, I knew that I loved her. I don't know what triggered it, I don't remember the exact moment, there were no bells ringing. Just somehow, she had crept into my heart and soul.

    Anyway, obviously if you are reading this, you are thinking that perhaps you are over the edge with PPD. Perhaps you are. The point I wanted to get across is to recognize it, ask for help.

    You are not alone, and you don't have to live through it. With proper help and support, just ask. It may seem that that first year is hell, and you feel like you will never get through it. Just think about me, 19 years later, and going strong. God Bless,
    Barb

    Last edited by Viking64; 11-18-2013 at 06:30 AM.

     
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    Old 04-19-2014, 06:15 PM   #2
    escapegirl08
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    Thanks for sharing. I too went through PPD with my second DD and waited a very long lime to get help. I wish I would have sooner because things could have been so much easier.

     
    Old 04-21-2014, 05:38 AM   #3
    Viking64
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    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2010
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    Re: My story with PPD. Just wanted to share.

    I am so glad you sought help, and it made things easier for you.
    I hope more women will seek help instead of suffering in silence

     
    The Following User Says Thank You to Viking64 For This Useful Post:
    escapegirl08 (04-21-2014)
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