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hunnybun1504 01-18-2005 11:14 PM

Re: just wondering what you think..
i agree...i do feel like were just on two different pages with the whole baby timing thing..but its not really like either one of us is "right". theres both advantages and disadvantages to having a baby right just all depends on how you want to look at it. if you dont mind me asking barton, how old was your husband when you two were married...just curious? i think compromise would be the only way ill be able to feel better about things, but im afraid hes not going to budge. this issue kind of compares to sex issues. if a girl says no..she pretty much calls the shot about sex...which is why i feel like my boyfriend pretty much gets to make this decision about the babymaking. unless it were to happen truly accidentally (which would probably be vvery unlikely with birth control starting now), or i snuck to do it (which is WRONG)...theresnot really a chance of me calling the shot in it. obviously i love him very much, i wouldnt leave him because of something so petty as this in the long run..but its frutrates me. i guess i just really feel trapped. im about 99% positive hes not about to cahnge his mind about how soon he wants to start ttc. which leaves me stuck..and kindof if i even bring it up in any real effort to change his mind about when we start trying, its just going to go to waste, he wont change his mind, and knowing my luck it would just make him angry with me, or that much more suspicious if i did per chance happen to REALLY accidentally conceive. i dont know whats up...he indirectly makes me feel so wrong for wishing he wanted to conceive. the whole ordeal is very complicated really..compromise would be the best thing im aware, but his idea of ocmpromise is me learning how to deal with whatever his plans are...which makes it difficult. ive tryed the compromise thing very recently in the past..about him moving in with me. hes here all the time, tons when im not here, tons when i am...just all the time. im not asking him to pay any rent at all, i support myself and i do it quite well...but he refuses and thinks its "impossible" for him to do so. its very frustrting for me to hear him say 'he wishes he could stay the night' when theres really nothing stopping him. i know hes finishing out his last year of high school, and generally speaking most people live ith their parents until after they graduate at least, but he will be 18 in a week. he doesnt like either of his parents house' living arrangement (his parents are divorced)..and i know hed just love to come with me, but apparently he wont do so because he thinks his family wold never talk to him again. i know his dad would be a little upset, but i disagree with how he thinks his mom would react. i mean, hes their son, and even if they werent happy with his choice to live with me, but i mean, hes an adult and they cant really do anything about it. and i know they love him, theyre not just going to cut him off and not give him anything or help him pay for college or anything like that. he always argues that his family and my family are differnt and i wouldnt know how theyd react which could be true, but im not sure theyd be that cruel to him just because he decided to move in with his girlfriend. hes not one of those compromise people....really...i wouldnt make any progress if i tryed to negotiate the ttc thing with him. hes too afraid to move in with me because of what his family will think, let alone start talking about having a baby as soon as i hope :-(sometimes i tell myself, you can wait, theres plenty of things to do in the mean time...which is true i guess..but it seems forever just seems like a long time to wait....6 years.....? its do-able i suppose, but really really REALLY not at alllllll what i want. i dont know what to say to him to get my point across fairly...any ideas maybe? maybe a betetr time to bring things up is to wait until after his acceptance letters come from colleges...maybe hell be a little more open minded about everything then...hes just got a ton on his mind lately, that could be a reason hes so edgy..but this weighs on my in day driving myself crazy..i feel so somethings definitely wrong with me..i just feel like we should be moving at a different pace than we are right now, and the way he talks he always makes it sound like he sees things the same way as i do. but when i try to act on it, he freaks out and gets angry with me. i dontknow what the deal is :-( any suggestions on how i should approach toget my point across, respect what he wants, and still persuade him to start ttc a little sooner? anyone who replys thanks in advance..and thanks for following my thread so loyally barton...your a ton of really means so much..

Di12779 01-19-2005 08:02 AM

Re: just wondering what you think..
:wave: Hi Hunnybun!

I feel your pain, confusion, aggravation etc. You asked a ton of different questions so I am going to share a little! First off I am a teacher, I teach middle school. I see many children getting pregnant by the time they leave the building that it is shocking. I have to say, though I don't think it is a good idea for students that young to have babies, some of them end up being good mothers. I don't think anyone can say when the right time is for a woman to have a baby. I had 2 friends get pregnant at 18. One of them is a wonderful mother (currently with 3 beautiful children), she finished school and is now teaching at the same school with me, the other one was, and i hate to say it, a terrible mother who wanted a baby for the attention aspect of it. She dorpped out of school, ended up collecting welfare and bouncing between jobs when she could keep them or felt like working for a while. when the novelty of a child wore off and she realized she couldn't go out clubbing with her friends or have a normal teenage/ early 20's style life she decided she didn't want her baby any more and he became a burden to her and it showed in the way she treated and raised her child. I personally think it all depends on the person, as you can see we have 2 examples of an 18 year old getting pregnant and two VERY different stories.

I am 25 and pregnant with my first. I am 17 weeks and very excited. I was trying to get pregnant but I did not tell anyone except my husband, at first he was nervous but after the initial shock of the whole thing he was fine. We did talk about it a lot because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page with it. I didn't like the though of one of us wanting a baby and the other one not being ready to deal with that change, I was afraid it would put a huge strain on our marriage if we both did not have the same goals.

I got married in 2002, I was 23 and my husband was 28. We have been together since 98 so it was pretty long term. When I found out I was pregnant (in october) I was really in shock. We had been trying for a few months with no luck. I would get very upset when I would get my period so I know how you must have felt when you finally got yours. It can be such a depressing thing. I knew I was pregnant for about 2 weeks before I told my family. I was really scared to tell them, I don't know why! I after sitting at my mothers for an hour trying to get up the nerve to say something I finally just did it and I struggled to keep from crying the whole time. I don't really know why I found it that emotional or why I had such a difficult time with it but I really did. I think I was sort of afraid and embarrassed to be honest.

I think you also need to really keep in mind that you and your boyfriend seem to be in completly different places in your lives right now. This does not mean it will never work out or you will never get on the same page. As a rule men mature at a different rate than women do. Men tend to be slower when it comes to things like that. Where as you have been on your own and are over all more independent, he is still depending on his parents for support. His parents obviousally have some control over him and he may not be ready physically or emotionaly to break free of that and enter a new life that he is unsure of. It sounds like his parents are a form of security to him and he doesn't want to sever this ties by making a decision he feels they will object to. In reality, though we hate to admit it, some parents will reject their children if they do not like the decisions they make, I see it all the time being a teacher. Once he is in a situation where he feels he has more control of his life, he may move in with you and once that becomes comfortable for the two of you and his parents, you can take things to the next level. To me it seems his reactions, comments, and inability to progress with your lives and relationship means he is not even close to being ready to be a father. With him at this stage of his life, a pregnancy right now could mean the death of your relationship and he may not want to be involved with parenting and you could find your self in a terrible situation.

I do think that in order to have a child you have to have a plan because there is no going back. There are many consequences to becoming a parent, both good and bad. You have to know that this is what you (and you boyfriend) want for sure and you have to be prepared for the changes that come with being pregnant and a new parents. Both my husband and I have jobs that pay the bills and allow for a comfortable life, I knew financially we wouldn't have a problem. I am just finishing my masters degree in May so my schooling will be over and I will have just enough time to finish the school year with the kids before I have the baby (June 29th). I had to really think about what i have accomplished and if I was willing to change my life to accommodate another one when I decided to have a baby. I thought about work, school, money, my dreams and things i never got the chance to do...I had to decide if I was going to regret missing some of the things I never got to experience. I wanted to make sure I was ready for all aspects of havine a child and the many changes that were to come.

When you and your boyfriend can decide together that the time is right, age won't make a difference. I would be very careful to respect each other's views and beliefs as it will only strengthen your love for each other and prepare you even more for sharing that love with a baby when the time comes.

I know right now it seems like a terrible tragedy and your heart is broken, but in time you may realize that things happen for a reason and it was the best for you and your boyfriend. You have so many years ahead of you, enjoy them and when the time is right you will be ready.

I truly hope everything works out for you, keep your head up! :)

LYNN9731 01-19-2005 09:55 AM

Re: just wondering what you think..
You've been very open in your threads so I hope you don't mind me
asking a couple of questions. I apologize in advance if I missed any answers in previous threads.

1. Does your boyfriend have a full-time job lined up after he graduates
high school?
2. Does he plan on going to college full-time or part-time and holding down a
3. Do you want to be a stay-at-home mom or are you going to continue
working and have someone take care of the baby?
4. Do you have maternity insurance coverage?

I was just wondering. I'm sorry if I'm being to nosey.

besafe20 01-19-2005 10:18 AM

Re: just wondering what you think..
Hi I am 22 and have an 11 month old. I got pregnant by accident when I was 20 and was very upset about it. I was going to college in Utah (I am from Maryland). I knew i was no way ready for a baby and was actually hoping I might miscarry at first. My boyfriend and I got married and he is in dental school and I stay home with my son and work part time. His parents support us financially which is the only way we can get by until my husband is finished with school. I miss hanging out, being free, going to school, and having a life! My husband takes care of our son really well and he doesn't mind changing diapers, bathing, feeding, ect... I go to work when my husband gets home from school. It is really hard having a baby. MUCH HARDER THAN YOU THINK. I think it would be wise for you to enjoy your youth and make sure you can afford this child. Believe me at 18 you are not the same person you will be when your in your 20s. I have changed SOOOO much since then. You may think you know what your getting yourself into but you don't really know until your there. Please start using protection and wait to conceive.

CJennings 01-19-2005 03:43 PM

Re: just wondering what you think..
I was 19 when I got pregnant with my first and now I'm pregnant with my second at 22. Although my first was not planned and I was really scared it couldn't have come at a better time in my life and I now feel for me it was the ideal time. I am still in college and I won't lie I'm sure it would be easier without children but I can't say I'd still be on the right track without her. I do feel for some people it would be best for them to wait until after school and their lives are "grounded" as I saw someone say and you have a chance to get things out of your system. Ultimately I feel if you take a look at your life and your path you'll see if it is time or not. I personally feel (just beginning to study healthcare) it would be safer to begin no later than about 30-35 because the risks for so many things increase at that age but I know women who have perfectly healthy babies at age 40.

hunnybun1504 01-19-2005 07:13 PM

Re: just wondering what you think..
thanks so much everyone for taking the time to read my story and situation and giving me your opinions..its helpful..
Di-thts exactly how i try to lok at things...there are two different paths you can go down when you become a younger mother, it can be extremely helpful and keep her focused and determined..or it could mess up things and not turn out so much for the better for either mom or baby. congratulations on your pregnancy! i can only imagine how excited you must be! :-) as for your view point of my boyfriend...i think your kind of right. damn boys..why do they mature slower? lol. we are the same age, but hes finishing out his high school and wants to go to college..its hard for me to hope he will change his mind about when to start ttc because im fairly positive he doesnt find it a negotiable topic :-/. which stinks for me. maybe not right this very second, but sometime soon i hope :-/. thanks so much for letting me hear your sotry and how everything worked out for you! and im trying to tell myself the same thing that you last said. everything happens for a reason, and eben though i dont want to wait around forever...its just my way of protection..and this cycle was just not meant to be. i am definitely going to be trying to discuss this with him seriously further...and try to see if we can come up with a compromise that lets him bend a little, and me bend a little too...thanks so much for your help n ill try my best to keep my head up :-)
LYNN- thats the thing about the boyfriend, hes not really too aware of how SERIOUS i am about wanting to be a young mother. maybe not specifically right this very second, although i wouldnt be in 'trouble' if it happened right now, but if it were to have happened this time, i would have been able to do it with or without his help. as of right now,m he doesnt have a full time job lined up after high school, but that is because he is planning on going to school full time. however i have friends that go to college full time AND have full time jobs without much of a that would be workable. he is however very close to being promoted to a assistant manager where he works (its a small store) but hasnt grasped the job just yet. he works a decent amount o fhours, still makes payments for his car insurance, and other occasional wants..but other than that he gets about 18-25 hours a week.,.and sometimes more. i think even though he plans to go to school full time this coming year, he is going to keep a part time job at the very least. hes not going away to school, just the next town over, so it wont be a problem for him to find another job because hell be staying put.As much as it would be nice for me to be a stay at home mom, i like working..and its really the only way that i would be able to support the baby if i had to do it on my own. so i of course would take my maternity leave if i were to get pregnant, which is 2 weeks before my due date and 4 weeks after off with pay...and if anything emergency were to happen like i needed a c section or there was something wrong with the baby i could get up to 5 more weeks with pay off..after that, it would start to cost me sick days. so if i were to become pregnant now id probably just take that leave, and then go back to work and either hire a babysitter, or im sure family would be more than willing to help out and watch the baby for me while i was at work for a while. and your final question about maternity insurance..i do have health insurance through my job at work. it is more expensive than the health insurance i was covered under when i lived with my mom, but it would have me covered. i dont mind at all you asking those questions...thanks for following my story..
besafe-thank you also for your story about how your experience was getting pregnant and being a young mother. and i guess i will never fully understand how hard it is to have a bay and take care of it until it actually happens to me. im willing to do hard work, and bring up a beautiful child to the best of my ability. im sorry to hear that thins have been hard for you and your family, but im sure you dont regret your little one TOO much.. and i wont be bale to tell if i chnged until im 20..thanks for your ideas, it nice to hear how other people feel about my situation.
cjennings - sometimes accidents are placed in our life to keep us on the right track :-), the training that i would like to go to school for only take about 2 years to complete, depending on how much school i want to go to in one day. for rightnow i am comfortable in my job and it pays me well..right now or sometime soon is what i feel would be the ideal time for me, but i guess things will happen all in due time.

again thanks to everyone who takes the time to read my story and tell me how you feel! im stil just connfused about bf...he mentioned stuff about me being pregnant and our children about 5 times today by himself...its just kind of confuing . he sends such mixed signals sometimes about what he wants,...and when he wants it! ill have to try my hardest to find a time where we can discuss it without arguing or gettin geach other upset about anything..whcih could be one of the most difficult things to do ever! but i will try..bcasuse as much as i want this, i dont want to be stuckin it alone and i dont want him to think i was doing anything behind his back just to be selfish. i want it badly sooner than he does, but i dont want him to ever suspect that i would deliberately go against his wishes just because its what i wanted. however i still have no idea how to address it to him in a way that would actuallly make him consider it sooner than he was. ...hmm another day in the life :-/...thank you ladies..hope you all continue to help me and give advice as to how you think i should handle things. :-)

cattieos 01-19-2005 08:36 PM

Re: just wondering what you think..
When I was about 20, i was dating a guy who i had been seeing for about 18 mths, well i thought i was pregnant, and I was terrified, so was he. Well after 5 negative tests, i finally believed it, and both of us were relieved, although also a little upset, but we realized it was for the best, and it was we broke up 6 months later. Well then about two days after I actualy got pregnant, I took a test and it was negative, obvioulsy, although i wasn't actuallly feeling any symptoms, my hair was falling out and a friend suggested that might be the reason, it wasn't, but anyway i was actually very dissapointed, we were ready, but not trying, although I hid it and pretended to not to be. When i did find out I was pregnant about a month later, I was very happy, but very very scared. As to why your bf acts like he can't make up his mind about it, i have seen alot of men that get really excited about the prospect of a child and then realize how much work it is and freak.

hunnybun1504 01-19-2005 09:21 PM

Re: just wondering what you think..
its funny cuz hes kind of doing the opposite. hes preparing himself for a bunch of work...buthwne it comes down to itif i really got pregnant any time soon i know hed be very supportive..and even happy and excited that we would be having a baby together...i just am afraid of what his initial reaction woudl be..and his accusations that would come o fme trying to do it on purpose. to go behind his back :-/...i just thought it was funny cuz i think hes the opposite of that. he wants to be overly prepared..instaead of ready to jump right into it...but i know if it really happened hed be okay shortly after we got over the intial shock and stress of it

Di12779 01-20-2005 10:04 AM

Re: just wondering what you think..
:) No problem Hunnybun, I just hope that everything works out for you in the long run, i am sure it will!

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