It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Pregnancy Message Board

  • Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 01-14-2005, 06:30 AM   #1
    Afishpoke
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Location: Wisconsin
    Posts: 12
    Afishpoke HB User
    Unhappy Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    I am desperate to find help! My step-daughter (16) moved in with us in May, 2004. (She's a bit of trouble and her Mom kicked her out) She's 6-8 weeks pregnant and she hates me. All I want is to help her, but she won't have it. She's talking as if she wants to keep the baby, but due to my chronic illness (& a VERY small home), we've told her she can't stay here if she keeps it! I KNOW that sounds horrible, but she's EXTREMELY immature - (someone we'd been counseling with said she's about the maturity of a 7th or 8th grader!) Oh, and there's so much more to this horrible story --- too much to write. Can anyone give me some advice?

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 01-14-2005, 06:58 AM   #2
    MandyAnne26
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2004
    Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
    Posts: 559
    MandyAnne26 HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    Try to get her in some councilling, you can call to see if there is a planned parenthood or something in your area that will offer it to her. She needs to have a plan if she is to keep the baby and raise it by herself. Look into social programes (welfare and other assistance programes) that will help her to keep her baby. Prenatal and baby care classes are also a good idea at that age.
    It's not horrible that she can't stay there, if you can't than you can't, there is nothing you can do about that. My only concern is that if she's not mature (as most 16 year olds aren't) enough to raise a baby than she is going to need help. It sounds as if she's already troubled.
    It's a tough situation, obviously her mother isn't going to help, you cannot help....but she's going to need help. I would make some phone calls to planned parenthood and government assistance offices to see what is available to help her keep her baby and to help her not only provide finiancially but to be a good parent. If she is going to keep this baby and make a future for herself and her child than she is going to need alot of help.

     
    Old 01-14-2005, 07:07 AM   #3
    Afishpoke
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Location: Wisconsin
    Posts: 12
    Afishpoke HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    Yes, she's been to Planned Parenthood (Her older sister took her this week) She has a counseling appt for next week, and her 1st official Dr. visit in 2 weeks. I don't have a problem helping her, but, (I'm not sure if I can even put this into words), she just doesn't even WANT my hlep. She completely ignores me in the house, she's creating "stories" about me to her family, she's been physically and verbally abusive, oh... so much more. I do realize the counseling is going to be very important, but my struggle is to live in the same house with her, while she's absolutely hating me! Her Mom wanted nothing to do with her, but now she wants to be "Mother of the Year". I'm just wondering how much of this is now my responsibility? She's living HERE, but her Mom has now taken "control".

     
    Old 01-14-2005, 08:09 AM   #4
    fillorbust
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2003
    Location: michigan
    Posts: 174
    fillorbust HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    Ok, I've got to ask, what about her father? In both of your posts, there was never a mention of him. What does he think and is he feeling the same way you are? It sounds like you are trying to take on this burden all by yourself. It does sound like she is in need of a lot of help. I would say that the best thing to do is just be there for when she is ready for your help. If she's being that stubborn about it, then there is no way you can change her mind. The counseling sounds like a grand idea. Is that something where you would go too? Or make a separate appointment? Maybe they can give you ideas on how to help. Good luck with your situation.

     
    Old 01-14-2005, 08:18 AM   #5
    Afishpoke
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Location: Wisconsin
    Posts: 12
    Afishpoke HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    You're right! I never mentioned Dad. He's a very quiet guy and avoids conflict at all costs. He and I are on the same page about her living here if she keeps the baby. I DO try too hard to be involved and it's because I'm way toooooooo compassionate. He's stepped up quite a bit since he's aware of her feelings for me and has spoken more with bio mom re: daughter. It's truly my fault that I'm getting too involved. And I have already inquired about meeting with her counselor so I can learn more about how to handle the whole situation. Thanks for helping me begin to think more clearly about this. I've been told to back off, and I guess I should.

     
    Old 01-14-2005, 10:52 AM   #6
    Frynd1
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 1,148
    Frynd1 HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    In my opinion, your step daughter should give her baby up for adoption. I am going to be the black sheep here and say that it isn't about you or your step daughter, it is about her unborn baby. If no one in your household can meet the demands of a new infant, then it isn't fair to bring a baby into that type of environment. I don't belive in making someone give up or abort their baby though. She got herself into this and it should be her decision on how she wants to get out of it. I hope that the baby is put into the best situation for their sake.

    (If you were implying that you wanted your step-daughter to have an abortion, then it is best to take this thread to the women's health board. The pregnancy boards are not the best place to mention terminations)

     
    Old 01-14-2005, 11:44 AM   #7
    pcantona
    Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Dec 2004
    Posts: 349
    pcantona HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    Let me tell you that I have been pretty much in the same situation as you. My step daughter(legal term of it) got pregnant at 16 and is extremely immature, just like your daughter about an 8th graders maturity. She lived with her dad but was fighting with him constantly and wanted to move in with us. But my wife "her mom" didn't want that either, because she told her that as long as you live under our roof, you can not do drugs, so she didnt want that, it was easier for her to move back with her dads, because her dad doesnt care what she does. I was talking to my step-daughter myself alot on the phone but she just refused to listen to what I had to say. I am not her dad. It is not my responsibility what so ever either and that was mutual, she didn't think it was my business either, she said she trusted her dads advice more than mine. All you can do is to try and talk to her as a friend and if she doesn't like what you have to say, then oh well. There is absolutely nothing you can do.

    My step-daughter was the "classic" worst case scenario teen-age pregnant girl and every advice that I and her mom gave her she threw out the window and all the bad things that we predicted would happen to her happened. And the worst of it all, her dad gave her contradictory advice on purpose just because his own pride was on the line and he hates my wife. My advice to her was that "if you cant take care of yourself, then you certainly can not take care of a baby"

    She got pregnant at 16 and was doing drugs every once and a while at the same time. Her dad(in his primitive mind) told her that IF she had the baby and kept it, the baby would make her go off the drugs and start going to church. Well 4 years later the following has happened.

    She started started stripping to pay for her baby, since she couldnt continue in school because of the baby. She is still on drugs more than ever and on several occations I have had to pick her up from different "boyfriends" houses, with her having black eyes and bruised body because they have hit her badly. She lost custody of the baby and child protective services came and grabbed the baby out of my wifes EXs house. The baby has permanent nerve damage because she was doing drugs while pregnant and also has psychological problems too. Having the baby at 16, totally ruined her life, made her use even more drugs and hanging around with scumbags in the stripping joints in order to pay for her baby. Just like my wife and I predicted. A teenager is not equipped mentally to deal with a baby or the consequences, that is just a fact. I am sure there are exceptions, but very rarely. We are not living in any "slum" or in any low income family either of us, she was raised very well. She is in this situation because of herself and refusing to listen to my wife and I.

    All I can say. Dont let this happen to your step-daughter!

    Last edited by pcantona; 01-14-2005 at 11:46 AM.

     
    Old 01-14-2005, 02:09 PM   #8
    Regina21
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 401
    Regina21 HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    I can kinda relate to Pcantona. My aunt and uncle kicked out my cousin when she got pregnant with her 3rd child and decided not to help her in any way what so ever. Being that my cousin wanted to keep the baby and not go through with a procedure, they shut the door to her. She did everything wrong during her pregnancy from drinking, drugging, not eating right...basically not taking care of herself. My cousin was living in a dumpster apartment with her loser boyfriend. For the past 3 winters they had been living without heat because they couldn't afford it. Paid the bills they needed to by selling drugs and barely getting by. Almost 2 years ago in order to have heat, they had been using a space heater. We're still not sure what EXACTLY happened and the cops can probe all they want and come up with the stories due to evidence, but the fact of the matter is my cousin claims that while they were asleep the baby rolled off the mattress that was on the floor and right next to the space heater. He burned to death...5 months old. My cousin and her boyfriend say they never heard him crying and they found his burnt little body the next morning and she and her boyfriend were taken into custody. Just this past Christmas she was sentenced to 12 years in prison. The state is now after my aunt and uncle wanting to take away her 2 other kids (their grandchildren) because they believe that since my aunt and uncle KNEW of what was going on and didn't put a stop to it, they don't have any rights as to their other 2 grandchildren. It's been a very draining experience. Seeing someone I love, someone I grew up with on the news and in the papers with cuffs on her hands and feet is...well no words can describe the emotions. Now all my aunt and uncle have is nothing but guilt and regret on their shoulders. It's not healthy, but my aunt can't help but question the many "what if's???" What if they had stepped in and not turned her away? What if they had helped in taking on another responsibility? None of us will ever know.

    I hope & pray however everything works out for the best in your situation. Good luck and God Bless.

     
    Old 01-14-2005, 02:39 PM   #9
    fillorbust
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2003
    Location: michigan
    Posts: 174
    fillorbust HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    I sure do wish you the best of luck with this sticky situation!! I know situations like this are never easy!! I hope you can get with the counselor to help figure it out, and if you can, take her dad with you. It may be beneficial for you both. Good luck!!

     
    Old 01-14-2005, 02:40 PM   #10
    packerfan4ever
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2002
    Location: WI, USA
    Posts: 467
    packerfan4ever HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    Hello! First I wanted to say sorry you have to go through this horrible dilema. Second, from what I read, it sounds like your hub doesn't say much? He NEEDS to say SOMETHING! Coming from you, it is the typical "you aren't my mother" crap. I am sure she is taking her mom's side and letting her mom control the situation because she wants to "stab you in the heart." Like you said, there is more to the story than you feel to type. BUT your husband needs to step up and stand his ground. It sounds like he is the only one who really isn't saying much. Understandably so, most men don't want to have conflict. Let her know YOU care about her, and then back off and let your hub take over. Do you have any idea where the baby's father is? Another alternative if dad talking didn't/doesn't work could be to contact your local Social Services. They might check into this since the welfare of a baby is at stake, and a third party might be able to get her to open her eyes a little better since she won't TRULY listen to any of you....keep us posted.
    __________________
    Hasty horse who drinks too much water gets belly ache

     
    Old 01-14-2005, 08:23 PM   #11
    valleygurl
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Location: North Central Pennsylvania
    Posts: 814
    valleygurl HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    Packerfan, I think you are right on! My daughter is 17 and she has been practicing risky sexual behavior since she was 15. Thank God she has not ended up pregnant. She is on the pill but she gives me reason to believe that she either doesnt take it or maybe misses pills. I know that this may sound harsh, but i have 5 children, i am raising my children...i also have been put in the position that i now am raising my two small neice and nephew. Right from the very beginning when i found out about her permiscuous behavior i told her, you get pregnant, you will have to figure out what your going to do about it! I also told her if she decided to keep the baby she will take care of the baby. I will not!!! I also told her that she would also need to be prepared as to where she would live with the baby because she wasnt going to live here. I know it sounds harsh, but i didnt raise her nor teach her to be that way. She was taught morals and values as well as responsibility and ACCOUNTIBILITY for her actions. I look forward to the day that all my children can care for themselves so that i may be able to live a little. I just refuse to be tied down with another baby that i didnt make nor plan on.

    ValleyGurl

     
    Old 01-15-2005, 05:42 AM   #12
    crazygirl
    Senior Member
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: Washington
    Posts: 142
    crazygirl HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    Hello,

    Just cause shes 16 doesnt mean she cant take care of the baby. I'm 19 and 20 weeks pregnant. I act immature sometimes, I still watch cartoons,play video games, find the dumbest things funny, like farting and burping really load, find it funny too see milk coming out of someones nose,all kinds of teenage stuff. I also droped out of school when I was 17. I cant really ask my parents for help because My dad smokes pot and crack and is flat broke, my mom have mental problems and is also flat broke. However I am mature enough to not to do drugs or be on drugs. Right the moment the father of my baby, him and I are TRYING to make things work, but looking at the way things are going, they wont. Meaning I'll be a high school drop out with no job or money and a baby. Depending on where you live theres plently of places to stay and go that will help you get on your feet and if she has some kinda disorder, she can get more then just welfare. If shes that immature, maybe taking here to a place where she can have hands on experence with a baby, and maybe here stories from teen moms, maybe it might slap some realily into her and make her realise she needs to now act like an adult, and that the fun and games are over.
    I'm not trying to say here that teen's should be having babies or that its ok. I'm just trying to say just cause she's pregnant it isnt the end of the world and just because shes a teen doesnt mean, sex and drugs are going to be the road she takes. Example: My grandma had my mother and aunt before she was 20 and kept them, she droped out of school, had no help from parents and now makes over 400,000 dollors a year and is still giving my mom 100's of dollors to help out.
    Just my opinion, but I think her wanting to keep it is a good start to her being mature. And you never know maybe, the baby with change her life in a good way not bad. Theres always 2 sides to eveything.
    One thing I forgot to ask does she know who the father is? or at least norrow it down, if so, she could get a DNA test done and if proven, well theres some child surport from the daddy, which might make it easier to take of the baby by herself.

    Last edited by crazygirl; 01-15-2005 at 05:46 AM.

     
    Old 01-15-2005, 06:58 AM   #13
    BarbaraH
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Location: Virginia, USA
    Posts: 2,347
    BarbaraH HB UserBarbaraH HB UserBarbaraH HB UserBarbaraH HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    Hi -
    For my 2 cents, I suggest you have a family meeting and tell the 16 year old that there is now one new ground rule for the household: simple courtesy. To stay, she will say "please" and "thank you" and will speak nicely when sopken to - all with a courteous tone of voice and facial expression. Your and her father show the same courtesy in speaking with her. She has a choice. Be nice or go away. Play nice or go home. Meanwhile show her casual kindness every so often - "want some hot chocolate?" or "have indigestion? Here are the Tums if you need them." If this can be begun, it's a start toward calm and some peace. Whatever, you and DH be a calm, united front.

    I used to tell my sons that every word and action has a consequence that is good or bad (think about the kid's board game "Shoots and Ladders") and they had to make choices they were happy living with.

    Good luck! Barbara

     
    Old 01-15-2005, 08:57 AM   #14
    Frynd1
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 1,148
    Frynd1 HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    I agree with the last two posters. For one, it can be done and for two, there are better alternatives. As far as teenagers who take up stripping, drug dealing, ect to take care of their babies, there are 25 year old women who do that. Age doesnt really define maturaty.

     
    Old 01-20-2005, 01:35 PM   #15
    Afishpoke
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Location: Wisconsin
    Posts: 12
    Afishpoke HB User
    Re: Step-Mom of Pregnant Teen

    My heart goes out to you! (And even more so to that innocent little child) There are so many couples out there that WANT children and that would be in the best interest of the baby. Our relationships with her Mom and siblings are all being torn apart now, and she's only about 7 wks along. Her and I don't even speak anymore. I'm crushed because I always wanted a relationship with her. Anyway, I wish you the best and pray that the child is in a good home!

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    How do I deal with raising step children? firefighter16 Parenting Issues 12 04-01-2008 12:26 PM
    Step Kid princessanna Relationship Health 64 10-04-2007 04:35 PM
    Son & Step Daughter, HELP! GirlHarley Relationship Health 11 07-01-2005 08:38 AM
    11 days clean, One more step MrClean Addiction & Recovery 18 04-28-2005 10:44 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:14 PM.





    2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!