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  • Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my job

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    Old 07-14-2015, 08:55 AM   #1
    Hello2347891
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    Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my job

    Hello,
    So my boyfriends mother, who is widowed, has refused to work since she got married in the early 1970s/early 1980s. She is Hispanic and my boyfriend says she was raised not to work but be stay at home mom. He makes fun of me for having a "sh****y job" but he supports his mother, and he is only 26. I think
    Having a job that's not the best is better than not having one at all. She is also very emotionally dependant on him, calling him multiple times a day, and he goes over to her house pretty much every day after work, where his drops off his laundry for her to do. I tried to be understanding and sweet, because I dont know what it's like to lose a parent. But a few times he told me he wanted to invited me over to his moms, but then they decided it would be just family so i couldn't come. I thought it was rude but maybe he just didn't get it so I held my tongue. When we finally got into a fight about all of this, he makes fun of my mental health issues (although his mom is bipolar and he has told me multiple times he has to take care of her because she is emotional and crying a lot) so therefore he is very emotionally needy because I think there is a role reversal. Instead of her taking care of him, it's the other way around. And the one time I need emotional support I don't get it from him because he has bigger problems and "can't afford" to put up with it if I'm having a bad day, yet he is having a bad day almost everyday. What does everyone think? I've talked to a doctor about it and she said it sounds like he is driving me crazy and I don't need that in my life..but I really do love him. But I can't compete with his mom and I def can't ask him to choose, because he will choose her. Thanks in advance for your help.

    Last edited by Hello2347891; 07-14-2015 at 08:57 AM. Reason: Typo

     
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    Old 07-14-2015, 09:29 AM   #2
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    Don't walk away - run!! His mother will always come first; you don't have a hope of having a relationship without her well and truly in the middle of it. He is a mama's boy, and that will never change. You need someone who puts you first, we all need that and you won't get this from him. When children come, it is even worse. I have seen instances where the mother is always overruled by the mother in law's opinions about childraising. It will be a nightmare, guaranteed. He may love you but he will always love his mother more. Sera

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 09:36 AM   #3
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    Just one question: what makes you love him in the first place?

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 10:03 AM   #4
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    absolutely get away from this relationship. Your BF and his mother are in a co-dependent relationship and he is a mama's boy to boot......you don't stand a chance in a relationship with him......actually no one does.....except for dear old mom. Run and don't look back!

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 11:45 AM   #5
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    I'm not sure. He was very loving and affectionate at first. We got along so well. But maybe it was just lust or whatever. I just feel bad for him because the rest of his life is going to be so hard. Does everyone suggest I just leave and cut off contact or try to tell him it's not healthy for him?

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 01:14 PM   #6
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    you can tell him all you want, but you know the old saying. Blood is thicker than water. Even if he wants to become more emotionally healthy, it's very hard to do when you are in a co-dependent relationship, which they are clearly in.

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 02:27 PM   #7
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    << I'm not sure. He was very loving and affectionate at first. We got along so well. But maybe it was just lust or whatever. I just feel bad for him because the rest of his life is going to be so hard. Does everyone suggest I just leave and cut off contact or try to tell him it's not healthy for him? >>

    Well, it's always hard to end a relationship, unless both parties want it. In your case, do you have any idea of how he will react? Some men don't deal well with what they perceive as rejection, because they think there is another man. I think it would be better if you began to distance youtself from him gradually so he would finally notice that something is probably wrong...

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 02:48 PM   #8
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    This is going to be an ongoing problem for him in all of his future relationships. Therefore I wonder if it would be more helpful to him in the long run if you explained to him what the problem is. He can choose to do whatever he wants with this information but hopefully, if nothing else, maybe it will plant a seed in his mind when he experiences multiple instances of women leaving him because he refuses to acknowledge that there is an issue here with his mom.

    I'm not suggesting that he cut her out of his life, but if he wants to fix this problem, he will have to find a better way to help his mom while still maintaining his own independent life instead of what's going on right now. That's on him to figure out though, it's not something that you have any control over.

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 03:07 PM   #9
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    We broke up. We both wanted it. I had a few outbursts after he had about 15 because I wasn't getting any emotional support from him. This is what he wrote me in an email: "Someone who would do their best to find out everything I care about and everything that makes me tick, and then use every bit of it against me in the most vindictive way to try to hurt me as much as possible.

    No matter how much I wish I could fix it, you have emotional issues, and your hateful vindictive outbursts aren't going to end -- no matter what I say/do/how I act. "
    I brought up the thing about his mom because it was coming between us and almost every day since around Father's Day he complained about how he had to deal with his moms emotional issues. I had to stay strong and pretend everything was perfect with me for over a month because I didn't know what it was like to lose a parent. And my emotional blow ups were very small compared to things I've seen and things I've done in the past. He would slam doors and punch the wall just because I asked him why he didn't follow through with something he said he would do to help me out with work, for example, and he would say he was too tired and had too much other stuff to deal with. I was like the man in the relationship and he was like the woman, in the sense that he was way more emotional all the time and I had to be the "big spoon" every night to make him feel better. I couldn't take it anymore. I thought I dated a mamas boy before and once I pointed out to him (he was 28 at the time) that he doesn't need to call his mom about every single little decision he made every day he changed and thanked me and I saw his independence grow. Now, this new guy is a whole different case. In complete denial. My degree is in psychology so I notice these things very easily, unfortunately not soon enough with the most recent to save myself the hurt. And it does hurt a lot. We had so much fun together when his family wasn't on his mind and he was free to be himself and didn't feel the burden of a family to support. I'm feeling very depressed. And of course I feel some type of way when he insulted my career multiple times telling me what I said before and that I'm not ambitious. Sorry I didn't have an older brother (who doesn't feel the need to baby his mom, neither do the other brothers) who let him in on a business and they just found a very successful partner. I am happy for him, but that's not the way my life is. I think a lot of people out there get a good job because it's a family business or a close family friend.. Sorry I didn't have that opportunity. I told him that doesn't mean I don't think he works hard because he does, but I am a hard worker too and he doesn't need to judge someone's worth on how much their paycheck is. Thanks for letting me vent. There is obviously more than one problem here and I've never claimed to be perfect and I let him know my weaknesses and he used them to make fun of me. I did not make fun of him, he is a year younger, which is not that much, but I was trying to calmly tell him how we can't have a healthy relationship if it's always about him being in a bad mood because of his mom and have said he can't have two girlfriends at once.

    Last edited by Hello2347891; 07-14-2015 at 03:17 PM. Reason: Change in grammar

     
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    Old 07-14-2015, 03:26 PM   #10
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    Well I think in the long run for you that this breakup was for the best. You don't need to put up with a guy who is constantly putting you down cause of your job. I mean you're being a productive member of society by working!

    I'm sorry this didn't work out for you but the good news is that you're free now to find someone who truly appreciates you and everything about you. Don't put up with being treated like that again because you do deserve better.

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 08:20 PM   #11
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    I think you did the right thing by breaking up with him. It hurts now but in the long run you will be very thankful you did. It was only going to get worse, for sure.

    It's possible what you've done will also help him become a better person, or at least think about his relationship with his mother.

    btw, it's possible his brothers let him be like that with her so that they don't have to!

    Take care

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 08:51 PM   #12
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    Unfortunately sometimes love is not enough.

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 09:14 PM   #13
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    I appreciate everyone's advice and support, even though you don't know me at all. I just wish he could see that all I wanted was a healthy relationship and I wasn't trying to hurt him, I was trying to tell him what was causing all the problems. But he just thinks I was being hateful. I never wanted to hurt that poor boys heart. I wanted him to see the big picture. But I can't force it. And holding my tongue just caused me to bottle it all up then explode (in a much smaller way than in my past) and now I still have some of his shirts and ties at my house and he doesn't have much clothes so I know he needs them back. it just all hurts so badly because when we were happy we were really happy.. Happier than I had been in a long time. But once the fighting started it was toxic so it's best I got out. Still..I miss him already too much.

     
    Old 07-14-2015, 09:54 PM   #14
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    You can do this! Be strong. Keep yourself busy, hang with friends focus on anything else you can, at least at the beginning and it gets easier as time goes on.

     
    Old 07-15-2015, 08:39 AM   #15
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    Re: Boyfriend financially supports mother who refuses to work while making fun of my

    is he referring to his mom as one of his girlfriends when he says he can't have 2 girlfriends at once?
    you are soooo much better off!

     
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