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  • Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

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    Old 08-05-2015, 10:02 AM   #16
    halo29
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    Alright, I do agree that I should have taken action earlier.
    But as Sera said some people try to avoid "trouble" as a survival method.

    Assume I decide to leave today. I can't just wake up tomorrow and say "hey, look, you hit me a year ago, and I'm going to leave you now". I once tried to convince him that I have to leave by giving him reasons, but I ended up accepting his reasoning to stay instead! There was no argument or anything, he said he had changed a lot (yes, he was much worse before!) and I should try to change a bit to fix the marriage. I was not convinced, but accepted.
    So I'm pretty sure if we talk about why I'm going to leave, I wouldn't win.

    Given that none of my/his family members live in the US and I have absolutely no friends, and I'm too occupied with work, I'm not able to lay a plan to leave in a civilized manner, that hurts both of us the least.

    I know that the common way is to take few days off the work, stay with a family member and find a place, which obviously doesn't work for me. How can I find better well-mannered ways?

    Thanks guys again for taking the time to help me here.

     
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    Old 08-05-2015, 03:00 PM   #17
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    As far as I can see, you aren't still convinced that leaving is the best thing for you. So, please ask yourself if your husband changed further to the point that he would even begin to encourage you to seek a social life of your own, would it pay to stay with him? In other words, is his 'jealousy' and 'control' the only issues in your marriage? Do you have any feelings for him?

    If you aren't still sure you need or want to leave, then begin to change your life, please. Find things to do outside the home, preferably without him, like joining a club, a gym, a course, whatever, and see how he reacts. If he accepts your movement, that's a good sign. If he doesn't, then you have two options: either you put your down or you tell him that this can't go on anymore and that it's better to put an end to the marriage. He can't defeat you in this, can he?

     
    Old 08-05-2015, 03:35 PM   #18
    halo29
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    Thanks pendulum for your kind comment.
    I used to have feelings for him, but that was almost the first 2-3 years of our marriage. The main feeling that I have, and will continue to have if I leave, is guilt which I know is not a very constructive feeling. But I also know that I'm not looking for love, to leave this marriage for an upgrade.

    As for activities outside home, I have pretty much lost my interest in any activities. I do force myself to engage in social things, but it will not last long and I find a way to stop. That's the reason I posted this thread in the first place. Is he the reason of my social anxiety or is it me?....

    As far as I understand from your comment, I should "do" something that I have always avoided. If he gets angry, that's the time to act and put an end to things. There's this other possibility that I pretty much expect. He'll not get angry but tries to convince me that what I did was wrong. Then I will both lose and give him one more credit, as I did the wrong and he did the right. As I said, I can't win him over when it comes to reasoning. I should be prepared for this case.

    Last edited by halo29; 08-05-2015 at 03:40 PM.

     
    Old 08-05-2015, 04:13 PM   #19
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    Well, I don't know your age, but you can't be much older than 30, 35. Have you ever considered the possibility of being slightly depressed? Can you have this checked out?

    Another question: why did you marry him in the first place?

    And a last one: if you look into your future, would it bother you to lead a lonely life, without friends (maybe a pet) and a predictable routine? Would you be unhappy that way? Or would you be fine with that?

    Last edited by pendulum; 08-05-2015 at 04:14 PM.

     
    Old 08-05-2015, 04:29 PM   #20
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    You are right, I'm 30. My counselor avoided saying that I'm depressed, she said I was more suppressed rather than depressed. But I think I was, I'm much better now, thanks to her and my new job.

    Why I married him, it's an extremely boring and long story, but it was not because I loved him. Well, I liked him though.

    Would it bother me to lead a lonely life? It's my dream to lead a lonely life! But I wouldn't be happy with a predictable routine, I seek adventure.

    Last edited by halo29; 08-05-2015 at 04:49 PM.

     
    Old 08-05-2015, 05:02 PM   #21
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    I see. Actually, I had never come across the word 'suppressed' in this sense. It'd be more usual for your counsellor to say 'repressed', no? But that's beside the point, anyway.

    The main thing is you have answered your own question correctly: you look forward to a lonely but adventurous life. Don't you think it's high time you got ready for it?

     
    Old 08-05-2015, 05:21 PM   #22
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    Thanks Pendulum for asking such a well-designed question. right, I guess I just tend to ignore my truth.

    Back to my previous question, I can't win him over in reasoning. If I do something that I shouldn't do (in his rules), he'll wisely not prepare the situation for me to escape, but wins and controls more, by proving that I was wrong. And silly me, I accept that. I guess I do so to avoid more trouble.

    What are ways to escape the situation that hurts both parties the least? Any experience from other clients? best practices?

     
    Old 08-06-2015, 03:17 AM   #23
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    Don't you think you are way too worried about finding a way that will hurt both parties the least? This sounds noble of you, but the main thing is to be honest with yourself and him. Breaking up will normally cause pain, but also relief, although the latter isn't often recognized. Since pain is a very personal thing, I mean, since people react to and cope with pain in different ways, you can't feel totally responsible for their pain. You can only feel responsible for your own pain, but you shouldn't dwell on it. Also, eventually people will get over the pain. If they don't, it's up to them to seek for help.

    You sound afraid of him. You know, he can see your fear and your fear kind of feeds his power over you. You want an adventurous life, so this is your first challenge: facing your fear. Look at him as a very normal person, not better nor worse than you. He may be good with his words and arguments, but everyone has their own Achilles' heel, if you see what I mean. You don't have to fight or quarrel with you, not only because fighting is often useless, but also because fighting implies that there will be winner and a loser (in many cases, both are losers). You don't need this. Just say what you have to say and listen to what he says. If you are confident about your choices, if you know that you have picked your own truth and he has picked his own truth, then what does it matter what he says? Bow respectfully to his words but then move on. You can even say to him: 'You're right, but I'm going to do this'.

     
    Old 08-06-2015, 06:09 AM   #24
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    You partner is a Narcissist and you need to get out before he destroys your life.
    Please read up on the Narcissist personality, you will identify with so much.
    The "Gas Lighting" is a classic for these sickos.
    Please get away, I know from personal experience how bad things will get.
    Lots of love

     
    Old 08-09-2015, 08:52 AM   #25
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    Thank you all for the advice.
    I posted a new thread about Fear of Break Up in Marriage. I think I'm convinced I should leave, but not yet ready to leave.
    One thing I know for sure, is that lingering in this situation is ruining my career, I should either go or stay and ignore these recurring thoughts of leaving.

    Thanks again for the help.

     
    Old 08-11-2015, 03:04 AM   #26
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    Ok, if you are convinced that you must leave but not ready to leave yet, then you have plenty of time to prepare for it. You need a plan. You may not be able to follow it perfectly, but then again leaving will not be like a shot in the dark. Think about the place where you were just before you met him. Can you possibly come back? This is just one possibility, ok? Good luck!

     
    Old 08-11-2015, 04:18 PM   #27
    halo29
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    Why do you say I have plenty of time? Having plenty of time allows for second guess, and second guess after second guess causes a fork, and a fork eats the whole energy up, and having no energy cause depression, and with depression no plan is possible.

    I think there should be a limit to the time I take to think and and plan. If I wait to get 100% percent sure about my decision and my plan, I think I will never leave.

    Well, in some sense that's the correct thing, if you are not 100% sure, then don't make any move. But I will never get 100% sure.

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-11-2015 at 06:01 PM.

     
    Old 08-11-2015, 04:36 PM   #28
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    Re: Could my controlling spouse be a cause of my social anxiety?

    I'm sorry. My wording was not accurate. I meant to say that you should give yourself plenty of time to prepare a plan before leaving. Of course, you will have to take a few risks, too, because nothing in our lives can be totally planned or fully predicted.

    Before you leave, you should also talk to a lawyer as to how to proceed. Please do the 'right' thing. Don't simply run away.

    PS. Actually, very few people (perhaps nobody) are 100% sure about what they are doing. That you can't be 100% sure is no excuse at all for not acting.

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-11-2015 at 06:02 PM.

     
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