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  • Why am I compelled to stay?

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    Old 08-04-2015, 01:07 AM   #1
    Join Date: Aug 2015
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    Why am I compelled to stay?

    We have been married for a 1 year and 9 months now and it has been an rocky marriage from the start.

    I met my husband in 2010, we were neighbors and started dating early 2011. We dated for 3 years before tying the knot. During our early dating period- we fooled around a bit but never had sex. He never insisted too much so I assumed he was being sensitive towards our cultural values and wants to wait till we get married. I was wrong. We got married in Jan 2014 and till date we have not consummated our marriage. So in short for the 4.5 years we have never done it! I've asked him politely whats the problem - he is tight lipped about it. I know he's not cheating on me, however, I DO think he has a medical issue which he is too proud to admit. He used to be a heavy smoker but quit this year.

    So I'm being patient about it, thinking it will happen soon. Waiting patiently.

    However, that's just one of the many issues we have.

    I feel that my husband is verbally abusive and I guess, I need people who are neutral to tell me . He is "the popular guy" friendly towards everybody, outgoing, sociable.

    As soon as we disagree about something he calls me names.

    Sometimes when I tell him a story that's a bit long , he asks me what I am blabbing about, rolls his eyes at me as soon as I don't get something right away and undermines me by saying get to the point dammit. It is almost as if he waits for me to make a mistake and then comment about it. When he feels like complaining about something then it is ok to complain, if I complain about the same thing, he calls me negative and a complainer.

    Now the interesting part is I am independent - I make a living as a headhunter, I contribute towards our house rent and bills, I don't cook often purely because I get too tired by the time I reach home. I have my own car as well.

    The biggest question I ask myself is why am I not leaving him? I am a well educated 30 year old who is too afraid to leave him. Every time we fight ( which is at least 2-3 times a month), I ask myself why do I put up with him? Im afraid to be alone, Im afraid I'll die alone, I feel he is a good husband if he doesn't physically abuse me - Is this normal?

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-04-2015 at 05:19 AM.

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    Old 08-04-2015, 02:40 PM   #2
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    Re: Why am I compelled to stay?

    Had your husband ever been in any relationship before? He appears to be very inept at dealing with people, especially close people: you. It's clear that he needs help, not only with his sexuality, but also and in particular with his socialization (I can't find a more suitable term for his lack of attention, respect, and behavior.) The problem is that I don't think he is willing to make any effort to get help and eventually change. What do you think?

    I think you marriage can be cancelled on the grounds of non-consummation. Actually, you'd do better to simply divorce him, because cancellation could prove too humiliating for him, if you see what I mean. But I am not telling you to do so. Please let's just look at the core of your problem.

    I am not trying to oversimplify your problem, but it's mostly about fear. You know, fear works like a magnifying lens. It paralyzes you. It may be difficult to get rid of all the fear; the trick is to do whatever you have to do despite the fear.

    It's interesting that you are a headhunter. What do you usually tell your clients or the very people you are recruiting when they say they are afraid? Can you tell yourself the same?

    Last edited by pendulum; 08-04-2015 at 02:42 PM.

    Old 08-14-2015, 04:52 PM   #3
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    Re: Why am I compelled to stay?

    We are pretty much on the same boat, except that I'm not interested in sex anymore, so not a big deal there!
    But being afraid to leave, is my exact same problem. I guess our first reason for fear is our verbally abusive husbands. They know how to make us feel fearful and they manage to do it easily. The second reason is we think they are nice, just if they were not abusive! It makes the decision much harder.

    I guess your husband is not as well-educated as you are or earns less than you, but see, we are still not able to use our power to leave. I'm trying to face my fears and get out of this relation before things get worse.

    Wish you all the best, keep posting. HUG.

    Old 08-15-2015, 02:44 PM   #4
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    Re: Why am I compelled to stay?

    Do you love him?

    Old 08-16-2015, 05:06 AM   #5
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    Re: Why am I compelled to stay?

    Staying in a bad relationship is worse than being alone.....

    Old 08-16-2015, 06:25 AM   #6
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    Re: Why am I compelled to stay?


    I feel this marriage is going nowhere.
    Not being able to communicate without compromising is as bad as a marriage without love.
    Before you throw in the towel have you considered counselling together or separately,
    but I have to say I don't think you two sound compatible, I wish you well,


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