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  • new user - obsessed with my boyfriend's past

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    Old 10-12-2015, 05:53 PM   #1
    Join Date: Oct 2015
    Posts: 1
    bentu92 HB User
    Unhappy new user - obsessed with my boyfriend's past

    Hello guys,

    I hope this post is appropriate for this board. If not, I apologise, I'm new to the forum and I hope the admins will understand it. I really felt the need to write down all this.

    I’m a 23-year-old gay and for the last 8 months I’ve been dating the most charming, different, intelligent and handsome guy I’ve ever met. He’s my age, we clicked from the very first day and after only one month and a half I decided to move in with him. Sounds like the craziest thing ever, but we were both abroad for a few months on a student exchange programme and it was pointless to wait, because we knew we would have been apart for long afterwards and because I knew I had never felt so good with anybody else, so much “myself”. We are boyfriends and best friends at the same time, we have shared everything: partying wild, meeting with friends, drinking red wine only the two of us on our romantic dinners. We both are devoted to each other and we’re experiencing such intense feelings that were even out of our imagination, something that was not even conceivable in our best dreams. I used the plural because I know he feels the way I feel. We met each other’s families and now that we’re apart again, for at least one year, we’re aware that it’s nothing compared to what awaits us.

    Now, here comes my interior struggle: I’ve always been quite jealous, but throughout these months, with some peaks of intensity that almost messed it all up, I haven’t been capable of controlling myself and I was overwhelmed by jealousy and insecurity. Not in a conventional way, though. I’m totally, insanely obsessed with his sexual past. At the beginning, we openly talked about it because we have always been very spontaneous and shameless with each other, which is just great and quite rare. In the past, I only had a boyfriend, who cheated on me after almost 4 years. Adding a one night stand during my short single life, that has been my sexual experience. He also had only one boyfriend who didn’t last for more than 6 months, however he had occasional sex with other guys many times. No matter how hard I try to tell myself that it’s stupid, absurdly stressful, that it’s the biggest waste of time, I can’t get rid of this mix of jealousy, insecurity, frustration, maybe envy and anger towards his past. I must have quite a vivid imagination, because every single day and many nights I imagine my boyfriend having sex with one of the many guys with whom he slept. Thirty maybe? I remember he mentioned some number like that, though later on, when I brought it to his attention, he denied saying he doesn’t keep score. I don’t care about his ex, even if now he meets him almost every day, because I know he disappointed him and hurt him very bad. What drives me mad are the occasional sex anecdotes that he sometimes tells in a reckless and totally innocent way, with no purpose of hurting me or making me even more jealous. Every time he mentioned something, like his predilection for Arabs and Latinos or his somehow playful interest in some daddy-like man, I built up my own world of paranoia, comparing myself to that kind of guys I saw on the street. The thoughts are always the same: he’ll miss his past libertine life, they’re way fitter than me, that was probably more exciting and fun.

    Am I right to think of that? I have had proofs to say it’s just in my mind. Besides connecting emotionally, I consider myself as a good-looking, thin but kind of fit, attractive Mediterranean guy, and we have had great sex. Once I even made him come through anal penetration, hand-free, a sexual chimera of the gay world. Still I keep having those toxic thoughts that do nothing but poison our relationship. He knows about it, because I get incredibly annoyed whenever he refers to sex with other people, that actually happened or that reminded me of something that happened, in a way that I just stop being fine, talking or making jokes because those images come to my mind like a hurricane, capable of blowing away every sweet phrase and gesture he dedicates to me every day. All of a sudden the only thing I can think of it’s him enjoying sex with someone else. He confessed me he was once tried certain things (one thing I didn't even know it was possible) and I got so plagued by this image that comes to my mind (along with a general anxiety, fear and a deep rage) mostly every time we have sex. Sometimes I was so overcome I could not get an erection, pouring tears of frustration, regret and sadness and feeling the most useless guy in the world. It’s a vicious circle: I tell myself I have to be his best lover, I get nervous thinking of my “competitors” (that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever written but sadly it’s how I feel), I fear I'm not enough, I can’t do it, then I cry, I apologise in a pathetic and desperate way and for some days I hate myself for being so weak and stupid. This obsession has recently led me to look for specific types of videos every time I watch porn alone, imagining him instead of the actor, being absolutely miserable and masochist, even incapable of enjoying myself for my own pleasure.

    Deep down I know he would never cheat on me, that’s why I’m completely fine with him going out alone or with his friends if I can’t join him. He has never missed a chance to tell me how much he loves me and how long he had been craving for a relationship like ours. He's always been very understanding and has expressed his sincere concerne about my pain. He even refers to his past search for guys as tiresome and annoying. None of this works with me, my paranoias are pushing me over the edge and I fear I’ll be suffering so much that at some point I’ll break up with him, because I’ll just go crazy and see that as the only possible solution to calm down my nerves.

    I’ve been asking myself why I feel this way about his past. The reasons may be my deep insecurity, my lack of experience (especially being the top), even some envy due to the fact he had tried it all. I probably feel a lot of frustration because of my previous relationship which in the end was a waste of time and consequently of not having the chance to experiment as much as he did. The only thing I am sure about is that my dreamy relationship is in danger because of something irrational and totally meaningless that is nonetheless obsessing me to the way that I can’t fully enjoy sex and life.

    Thanks for reading and please write something below if you feel you can give me a hand somehow, I'd be very grateful.

    Last edited by Mod-S4; 10-16-2015 at 12:34 AM. Reason: TMI removed.

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    fjeeva001 (10-13-2015)
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    Old 10-15-2015, 12:04 PM   #2
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    Re: new user - obsessed with my boyfriend's past

    Hi, if this obsession is so great that you are experiencing more misery than happiness then you should break up because obsessions eat away relationships. My advice is when you meet someone new then past sexual experiences should be strictly off limits.

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