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  • My BF spends time with his ex and child

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    Old 10-21-2015, 10:00 AM   #1
    appleambar's Avatar
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    My BF spends time with his ex and child

    Long Story short, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and he has a child that is one and a half, unfortunaetly we met at the wrong time, when we met he was already expecting a baby with his GF at the time..He had told me that his relationship was not working out and that he just felt commited staying with her because of the baby... I fell in love with him and unfortunately stuff happened, we never wanted to hurt anyone but we fell in love. His GF at the time found out and she broke up with him, everyody sufferes big..his GF got cheated on, I felt like I didnt matter and I was just the second person and my BF was just really confused, he grew up without a dad so he felt that he really needed to try to be in his babys life and do anything it takes to be able to see him. His GF would threaten him of not seeing his child and since she was still in love with him, he tried everything to be able to be on good terms with her just to see the baby and eventually that ended up hurting me and he felt manipulated by his GF. Its been a little less than a year that they really broke up for good and finally I was given my place, I was just so in love that I couldnt leave him and I know that all he ever wanted was to just see his kid. I have met his kid before and we have gone to parks many times, his ex GF found out that my BF was letting his kid be with me and she did not like that at all, so now everytime my BF sees his kid, she has to be there observing what they are doing, before she would just drop off the kid and thats it, now she actually stays there with my BF to make sure im not in the picture, I told my boyfriend I didnt like that at all but she wont budge. It DRIVES ME CRAZY that they are even in the same room together and I cant stand it.. I know she is the mother of the child but I have always believed to have a respectufl distance, to just drop off the child and go.. I have my own insecuritys and since they didnt break up long ago Im scared they might fall back in love spending time together.. The good thing is that my BF is letting me know when she is there and when she leaves but I still cant stand it!! I need advice.
    and please no mean comments about me bieng a homewrecker and that I deserve it, save those comments for another day please. HELP!! I feel so lonely and with terrible anxiety

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    Old 10-21-2015, 10:16 AM   #2
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    Re: My BF spends time with his ex and child

    If your boyfriend is paying child support he is entitled to see his kid.

    If he isn't paying child support he really has no legal right and it's up to the mother if/when he can see his kid.

    Best of luck to you both.

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    Old 10-21-2015, 12:14 PM   #3
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    Re: My BF spends time with his ex and child

    I promise not to "beat you up". Whatever I say, is something that you are already aware of. You realize that you have security issues, which can prove problematic to both you and your BF. Do I think that he is completely over his ex? Not sure. I believe that he is probably Not IN love with her, however still may love her due to the child they share.
    The fact that she wants you no where around the child and feels the need to make sure this never happens again by staying with your ex during his visitation time, suggests she may still have feelings for him.
    If you push him too hard about this, it may create a situation that you wished you had left alone. If he really loves you, then relax. ��

    Old 10-22-2015, 07:51 AM   #4
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    Re: My BF spends time with his ex and child

    In my opinion - although this may come across as "mean", I am intending to knock some sense into you. Unfortunately, you can't tease apart the history of the relationship and just ask about your anxiety. The two go hand-in-hand.
    1. you seem naive/immature in general and somehow shocked that he wants to be around his kid because he didn't have a father growing up. I would see it as more of a red flag if he DIDN'T want to be around his kid. If you want kids in the future isn't it a good sign that he wants to be around his kids even if he and the mother aren't together?
    2. you and he built this relationship on disrespect, I find it kind of laughable you are demanding respect. If you can't handle the anxiety and insecurities of building a relationship this way, it's a HUGE sign you should not be IN a relationship built this way.
    3. In more practical advice, if he is paying child support as someone mentioned earlier, he has the right to bring you along. If she is controlling the visits, and he doesn't want to upset her because the visits might be revoked, sounds like they don't have a formal arrangement for child support/custody. It's easier for him at this point to give in to her rather than fight for you. Bottom line, if he wanted you there and thought it was important to build your and the kid's relationship because you will be in the kid's life "forever", he'd push for formal custody arrangement and work on incorporating you in the kid's life. But he's not. Take that at face value. You're feeling insecure because you should be, he is putting them first. May be too much of a battle to fight...and may be one you'll have to continuing fighting til the kid reaches 18 (if you and your bf stay together), which sounds exhausting to think of 18 years of anxiety and insecurities. The way it sounds, the kid and "no drama" are the priorities, not you. He is telling you by his actions you are not worth fighting for, and he wants the easy way out with "no drama" as opposed to the drama-route he created by getting involved in this mess in the first place.
    Want to get rid of the anxiety and insecurities? Get rid of the relationship.Find a relationship with a single guy with no kids. Problem solved.

    Old 10-30-2015, 09:40 AM   #5
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    Re: My BF spends time with his ex and child

    let him go be a family with his child and the mother of his child. You may not like this, but you come second.....You are right, your relationship started at the wrong time.....since you realize this, better to step back and bow out. You didn't really think that he was going to walk away from a child did you? and if he did, what kind of guy would he be anyway? This started off on the wrong foot, best to nip it in the bud and go your separate ways.

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