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  • Straight. Engaged to a man. In love with a female. So confused.

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    Old 04-24-2016, 06:35 PM   #1
    MniMaIlT's Avatar
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    MniMaIlT HB User
    Unhappy Straight. Engaged to a man. In love with a female. So confused.

    I usually don't share things about myself but I'm gotten to the point where I feel completely helpless. I need advice. Genuine advice from unbiased, outside perspectives.

    I'm 26 years old and have been with men my entire life. I've always been curious about women but never even in the slightest wanted to experiment or have ever had feelings for a female.

    My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and got engaged last September. We met in college and fell quickly for one another. We've made 2 big moves from the East coast to the West Coast and have had our ups and downs with finances. He's my best friend. We have so much fun together. We have a very sarcastic, poke fun at one another but love each other so much relationship...if that makes sense. We never felt the need to rush into marriage despite all of our friends around us getting engaged and married. When he finally proposed I was happy. Not much changed since we already lived together but it felt right. He was my best friend and I knew we'd live a happy life.

    He has a job where he travels quite a bit, about 3-4 days out of the week. I actually enjoyed it because I like my time to myself and it always left me missing him and excited for him to come home. After our recent move, I became very restless and couldn't figure out what was wrong. I tried to talk to him about it, telling him I needed more out of life. I thought it was unhappiness in my career but it was a general unrest. He said I was being silly and going through a phase. He told me I needed to be content with life and that I couldn't just live in a fairy tale world. It crushed me. I believed that I was going through a phase and started looking for another job in hopes of finding happiness. I never in my wildest dreams questioned him. He was my best friend. I never thought about finding someone else or needing something else in my relationship. At least not consciously.

    Then comes her. I met her about a year ago through my old job. Me and her clicked immediately as we both are extremely like-minded, entrepreneurial, and driven. We talked a lot but always about business. Our relationship was always strictly professional and my mind NEVER went anywhere else. She motivated me and inspired me but I never ever thought about anything sexual. She was a very open lesbian and would joke about girls around me but things never crossed the line with us. We talked about my relationship and how happy I was with my fiance.

    When I quit that job I was worried we would lose touch. I had a trip with a bunch of my friends to the city she lived in so I naturally called her and asked if I could stay with her the night before the trip started. She said of course and we were very excited to see one another! The trip happened and that first night we stayed up all night talking. We talked about life, about my next journey and move coming up. How happy I was in my relationship but that i didn't feel motivated about planning a wedding or getting married. That I loved him and was thrilled to be engaged but 4 months into my engagement I hadn't lifted a finger to plan anything. This was the first time we had talked about personal topics. She was incredible. We were so like minded in so many ways. It was refreshing to have someone that understood me so well. We slept in the same bed that night and nothing happened. The thought didn't even cross my mind.

    The next night was different. I went out drinking with my friends all day and night and felt suddenly desperate to see her. I finally convinced her to meet me. Again not thinking about anything sexual, just knowing that I really really wanted to see her. Admittedly I had had a few drinks at this point but I'll never forget the second I saw her. I was so excited to see her and suddenly...I wanted her sexually. I pulled her aside and told her we could not be together alone.

    So the story goes, I pulled her into a club to "dance". She was fending me off the entire night. Saying I was drunk. And happily engaged. I wasn't taking no. So I kissed her. As it turns out something she had wanted from the day we met. We spent the night together and she gave me multiple chances to leave and have her take me back to my friends but I insisted.
    Since that night...we haven't stopped talking. I have found myself head over heels in love. I have never felt so understood, so motivated, inspired, so genuinely loved by another human being. I to this day do not consider myself attracted to females. All I see is her. Everything comes so naturally. I have cheated on my fiance with her, multiples times. I have never cheated in my life. In the beginning I justified it because it was a girl. I had kissed girls before but there was never anything to be worried about because I wasn't attracted to females. But she's different.

    I tried to cut things off with her. Thinking I was going through a phase. That if I stopped talking to her all of this would just go away. In reality, she has made me realize how surface level my relationship with my fiance has been. That he's my best friend, sure, but that we hardly ever had serious conversations about life and about what made each of us tick. I've never believed in fate or soul mates....but I strongly believe that my soul was made for her. And even more, she's absolutely in love with me too.

    I finally told my fiance that I had feelings for a female and that I didn't know what it meant or what to do. He was crushed. I hadn't even told him the extent to our relationship. He has a bit of an anger problem so I thought telling him everything would result in an abrasive argument that was focused around the physical aspects when the emotional attachment to her was far bigger. It's been about a month or so since I've told him. We argue about it here and there, talk about splitting but somehow always get back to normal. We're best friends and I know we would live a happy life together but I don't know if I can ignore the fire I've felt with her. I didn't know I was missing anything until I felt it. I'm so confused and scared. Leaving him sometimes feels like the right decision. He deserves a woman whos faithful and doesn't question this relationship. But what if it's a mistake. What if it's just a phase. I'm so lost. He's still so in love with me and wants to work through this and help me get back to where we were. But I can't flip the switch. I can't shake her. Sometimes I feel like I should just leave both situations and be on my own for a while. To really figure out what I want. I just don't want to hurt anyone. I know this is my life and I'm supposed to do whats going to make me happy but it feels so selfish to leave and so selfish to stay at the same time. Help. I can't imagine my life without either of them.

    Thank you in advance for reading my long message

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    Old 04-25-2016, 08:05 AM   #2
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    Re: Straight. Engaged to a man. In love with a female. So confused.

    Hi, I think you should stick with your fiance because if you went with this girl, the first rough patch you hit with her will leave you with regrets leaving your guy. This "perfect" relationship you have with this girl now will not be so perfect down the line.

    Old 04-25-2016, 08:40 AM   #3
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    Re: Straight. Engaged to a man. In love with a female. So confused.

    If you're not happy in the relationship you are in now, why stay?! I understand that you don't want to ruin things, but do you really want to look back and say "what if"? You know that you are not happy with the way things are, and this girl can fulfill things that you didn't even know that you needed in your life! You may have found true love! You will never know unless you find out!
    Your body isn't you. Your soul is you and they can never cut into your soul.

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