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    Old 05-11-2016, 07:08 PM   #1
    halo29
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    Don't want to be married any more

    I feel I am stupid that I don't want to be married to my wonderful husband.
    We have been married for 6ish years (no kids) and I just don't want to be married any more. Not that I'm interested in another man or searching for a better man, No, bcs I think my H is just perfect. He does everything to make me happy, but it just adds to my guilt, that he loves me so much and I want to get rid of him.

    My family keep telling me that I'm making a big mistake to let go of him. What is wrong with me? Getting some space is not an option, mainly bcs he says he loves me so much and he's currently going through a hard time and if I leave him alone now, he will never forgive me and never accepts me back.
    You may say, I should support him through this and then get the space I need, but who knows for how long this is going to last. I've been depressed for the past 2ish years and I can't deal with it any more.

    As for couple counseling, I don't want to do that. I do not want to work on the relationship. I just want to get out of any sort of relationship and live my life.

    Do you think I'm crazy and not grown up emotionally, as my family think?

    Last edited by halo29; 05-11-2016 at 07:11 PM.

     
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    Old 05-12-2016, 06:46 AM   #2
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way Halo. You say he is "perfect" but in other posts you say he is controlling. Is he controlling? Is he abusive? What exactly is it that you want to get AWAY from......
    You already say you are depressed and don't want couples counseling. I would suggest you go to counseling for YOU....to make sure this is what you want. You started before, rented an apt etc, and then you didn't follow thru. Is there more to this story that would help fill in the blanks? I was married to an unmedicated bi-polar man for 10 years who would always threaten to leave me because he wasn't "happy here". I pointed to his head and told him "you're not happy HERE". Sure enough he ended up leaving me and he still isn't happy. That's what I'm trying to get at with you.......is it him or is it you? You may leave and still not be happy, so I urge you to deal with your unhappiness first instead of expecting that leaving will make you happy and make your life better. I'm not sure that it will, unless of course you are in an abusive relationship. Could you elaborate a little more?

     
    Old 05-12-2016, 11:27 AM   #3
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    Rosequartz, Thank you so much for reading this and my previous posts and for the insightful reply. I appreciate that.
    He used to be controlling & abusive for almost 5 out of 6 years of our marriage. But for the past year that I made the point that I was serious about separation, he's changed a lot. Now, just a little controlling. Not that extreme. And not abusive at all.

    I did follow thru my plans, and now I have a separate apt that he hasn't learned about yet and sometimes I take a day off and go there, just to relax, without him knowing, and come back home as usuall work hours. I know I'm a horrible person, a liar ... . I'm keeping the apt bcs that's where I always wanted to live, just my style, though totally different from his style.

    I've been going to counseling for 2ish yrs now and my therapist is confident that the root cause of my problem is my relationship. And I would heal as I come out and start a new life on my own. I feel it. I totally agree with her. I never wanted to marry in the first place. But my family keep telling me that I'm wrong, simply bcs divorce is absolutely not accepted in my traditional family, and *the ones who get divorced aren't strong and haven't tried enough*. My siblings, parents, grand parents and grand grand parents all married happily ever after?! no divorces or separations.

    What is it that I want to get away from? It's compromise. It's sharing life. It never made sense to me that a couple devide their holiday into 2 to satisfy both sides, while they could fully enjoy it by themselves separately. I know I'm a selfish ungrown woman, but that's what I want.

    Last edited by halo29; 05-12-2016 at 11:47 AM.

     
    Old 05-12-2016, 12:44 PM   #4
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    So are you saying that you never want to be in a relationship? because all relationships take work And compromise.

     
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    Old 05-12-2016, 01:47 PM   #5
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    Rosequartz, thinking it twice, your words were very wise. We have to be happy "HERE". Having lived with controlling parents and spouse for a long while made me feel controlled no matter I was controlled or not. It's all in my mind. I have to fix this, learn to better communicate.

    Last edited by halo29; 05-13-2016 at 06:31 AM.

     
    Old 05-13-2016, 06:57 AM   #6
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    halo YOU can take control of your own life. I'm not doubting you if you say you were controlled, and I'm also going to say you should usually always go with your gut instinct in most matters. Sometimes people who are abused and controlled don't see it that way because they are so used to living like that they don't know that it's not normal (or that it shouldn't be). So when you say it's all in your mind, make sure....think that thru for sure because maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I hope I'm not confusing things more!
    but communicating is always good and trying to communicate better is going to help you in the long run.

     
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    Old 05-22-2016, 07:32 AM   #7
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    QUOTE
    " Getting some space is not an option, mainly bcs he says he loves me so much and he's currently going through a hard time and if I leave him alone now, he will never forgive me and never accepts me bac".

    That statement is confusing it sounds like you are afraid if you leave him he won't take you back when your ready to come back.

     
    Old 05-28-2016, 11:55 AM   #8
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    Thank you jdlfmc for your comment.
    I'm not afraid of him not taking me back if I leave. I'm more afraid of leaving! If I had the guts to walk away, I would never come back. I just don't have the guts! I make different excuses for myself that what's the point of leaving when I'm not going to be happy anyways. Like Rosequartz said, I might leave and still not be happy bcs it's all in my mind.

     
    Old 05-28-2016, 05:05 PM   #9
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    In the end what is important is your happiness, you can't live your life to make everyone else happy you can't please everyone no matter how hard you try.

    Every day you spend being unhappy is one less day you have to live life and seek true happiness, be kind to yourself and give yourself a chance to find(make) it.

    Those that love you and have your best interest at heart will understand and be happy for you.

    Many times when there is damage done in a relationship no matter how hard a person tries to repair it things can't be undone.

    Best of luck, be happy life is meant to be lived and be happy..

     
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    Old 06-22-2016, 03:28 PM   #10
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    Hi there! I'm sorry you are going through this. One thing that comes with age is wisdom.. Whether it's a man, or where you live, or your job, do you think a change is really going to make things better? I used to, but it doesn't. If he is really and truly a good man, treats you well and puts you first, then you should work on that marriage to try to keep it together. It is so easy just to run away from things instead of making them work. Otoh, if he is hitting you and mentally abusing you, then yes, I would say leave. I really don't think men change. I thought I was so in love with my first husband who left his wife for me. The marriage lasted a year and a half because he left me for someone else. They had a girl and then something happened to that marriage because it is no longer together.

    Do you have a close best friend who you can confide in? When my first marriage didn't last I felt like such a failure, but my best friend was right there to help me through it. No one is perfect, and we do have to accept each other's faults until it comes to repeatable bad behavior or downright abuse. If your husband is really a good man I would say work on that marriage, there just aren't that many caring men left. I cannot imagine wanting to let such a good man go, and I hope for your sake it is just a passing thing. As soon as you let him go, someone will grab him in a second because a man who cares more about you than himself is such a rare thing.

    Another thing you might consider is to talk it over with a psychiatrist. I've done that before and it is very helpful. All that cognitive thinking stuff from a psychologist didn't do a thing for me and I left that for help from a psychiatrist. My husband and I have been through a few rocky times but this is life not Disney World. Playing musical husbands, or the rest of your life alone may satisfy some, but I would really think this one out before you do something you might regret.

     
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    Old 06-23-2016, 01:50 PM   #11
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    Best thing is not do anything rash.

    I would speak with a counselor alone to see if that helps.

    Best of luck to you.

     
    Old 06-24-2016, 04:55 AM   #12
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    If you have been seeing a therapist for over 2 years and still feel the same way then I would say you should do what your heart is telling you to do. I'm thinking you don't love your husband and maybe never did. No wonder you are feeling this way. You already have yout apartment so go. It won't be easy at first or in your case maybe it will.You need to make your own decision and not do what others tell you(family). Marriage isn't for everybody and maybe you need a chance for happiness.

     
    Old 06-25-2016, 03:06 PM   #13
    halo29
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    Thanks to everyone who replied. I really appreciate your support.
    I think I have deeper personality problems than simply not being happy in my marriage. I lack the ability to be happy, the same way I lack the ability to make friends. It's all my fault that I am such a failure in every single aspect of my life not anyone's else (my husband or family).

    I used to think if I leave I would become happy again, but currently I don't see this anymore. It's me not the marriage. I've lost my will power, courage and confidence due to struggling with many things and failing at most of them. I'm ashamed of myself to blame my husband for my unhappiness.

     
    Old 06-25-2016, 05:59 PM   #14
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    You know yourself better than anyone however I really felt your pain being somewhere you didn't want to be. Now, I'm thinking maybe couple counseling is definitely in order. If possible with a real psychiatrist to get to the bottom of why you won't let yourself be happy. I wish you good luck.

     
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    Old 07-21-2016, 03:28 PM   #15
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    Re: Don't want to be married any more

    Sharing lives is very hard. I lived alone in an apartment for 4 years before my boyfriend moved in. It was a major adjustment for me. We eventually got married and divorced (after 13 years of marriage). I did get used to living with him. We had boundaries. Certain things he liked to do that I didn't - he did alone or with friends. Same with me. I like to read in a quiet room alone, and he respected that. You need to find what works for both of you.

    I'm in my second relationship now and my bf lives with me in my house. He is more clingy than my ex-husband. He wants to be in the same room with me all the time. I don't like this at all. I need my space. I'm trying things to see what works. Experimenting. If I can't get comfortable with the situation, he's going to have to go. I know I can live alone and be very comfortable by myself. Find what works best for you, and do it.

     
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