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-   -   Why am i the guilty one always at the end of it? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/1021663-why-am-i-guilty-one-always-end.html)

Saarah 06-12-2016 02:13 PM

Why am i the guilty one always at the end of it?
 
I am 19 and my boyfriend is 20. Its been 6 months we started dating. I am very confused as to where i actually go wrong while me and my boyfriend fight. He is a wonderful person but very straight forward and particular. He understands me and apologizes when he needs to but when it comes to me and i think what i did was not wrong but he thinks i am wrong i dont end up saying sorry and neither does he. Our tone of speaking to eachother changes and we are not normal anytime soon. And i notice most of the times it is always me in the end feeling bad or guilty as if it is always my fault. It takes me the whole day to get normal with him again while it takes him 5 minutes. I don't know where are we going wrong. If anybody could give me any advice, i'd be grateful! Thankyou.

havehope28 06-12-2016 08:52 PM

[QUOTE=Saarah;5421912]I am 19 and my boyfriend is 20. Its been 6 months we started dating. I am very confused as to where i actually go wrong while me and my boyfriend fight. He is a wonderful person but very straight forward and particular. He understands me and apologizes when he needs to but when it comes to me and i think what i did was not wrong but he thinks i am wrong i dont end up saying sorry and neither does he. Our tone of speaking to eachother changes and we are not normal anytime soon. And i notice most of the times it is always me in the end feeling bad or guilty as if it is always my fault. It takes me the whole day to get normal with him again while it takes him 5 minutes. I don't know where are we going wrong. If anybody could give me any advice, i'd be grateful! Thankyou.[/QUOTE]


Hi Saarah- seems like you are going through a troubling time and I'm sorry to hear that. Relationships are a lot of work doesn't matter whether you are 19 or 32. It's good that you are trying to figure out your part in things but it sounds like there may be some underlying issue when it comes to your boyfriends part in it. You say that he apologizes when he needs to which is good but is he just apologizing because it's the easy thing to do or because he truly wants to and is sorry. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that you don't always apologize when you don't feel you did anything to wrong. It's ok to disagree to disagree. You shouldn't ever apologize for you thoughts and feelings but obviously should if you hurt someone. You can say I'm not sorry for not agreeing with you or for feeling the way I do but I am sorry if I upset you, hurt you or was being insensitive. But to always feel guilty afterwards and the one to blame is a little concerning. Is it because of what you say or how you say it? or because of what he says to you that you feel that way? If it's because of him that you feel guilty and because he says you are the one to blame then that's not ok. You have to look at the bigger picture. Just because someone apologizes doesn't make it ok. If he says I'm sorry but you did this or you did that and he pushes the blame on all the time then that's a red flag.
If that's not the case then and if he is owning his part in things but you aren't then maybe you need to reevaluate how you communicate with him and even people in general (i know your question is specific to him). Also when it comes to feeling 'normal' again after a fight everyone is different. Some people are able to move on and let go quicker while others it takes a little longer and that's ok. Every couple goes through that 'adjustment period' after a fight. Trying to find your footing again after a tiff is normal. Just as long as you aren't holding a grudge for an unhealthy amount of time and also does the 'punishment fit the crime'. If you stay mad at him for a day or two because he didn't text you 1 minute after he said he was going to then maybe you need to let up a little bit (just an example not trying to say you do those things or are dramatic like that)
Also, the relationship is still new and you guys are both young. You are still getting to know each other on all levels. As time goes on you learn more about each others quirks and how one another is. It's a learning experience and as time goes on and you grow you will learn how best to react and communicate with one another.

Hope this helps you some!

boobootwo 06-13-2016 02:18 AM

Re: Why am i the guilty one always at the end of it?
 
Men tend to get over things much faster than women. What we feel is very important, a guy will pass off in no time. Don't put so much stress into what you should or shouldn't say. Once you get to know each other over time, you learn to understand each other little quirks. Don't fret. It's just part of learning about each other.

Saarah 06-13-2016 09:05 AM

Re: Why am i the guilty one always at the end of it?
 
Well I think by the end of any fight my opinion is indirectly manupulated or influenced by what he says. He is very patient but sometimes i totally lose my cool and shout at him either because he fails to understand or i am not able to make him agree to what i say for myself. I am very forgetful about a few things like i would leave my phone if someone is calling for me and then realise that its been like an hour or two i replied to him and i hurry and text him but he would be very angry at me. He would maybe come up with taunts to make me feel guilty and i think he likes putting not only me but anyone in a major guilt trip. By the end of it i tell myself i should have just told him and gone. He goes out quite a few times with his friends both girld and boys who are not my friends and does not put stories on snapchat when he is out. Just to see what kind of a place he has gone to i told him i should have his friends on my snapchat. His instant reaction made me feel like i was spying and i was again guilty for asking him that. I know it's a very small issue but thats how our fights increase. I really dont know when is it that i am wrong and when is it that i m being manupulated. Thank you so much for making me understand the above. I need your help on this please. Thanks a ton!

Saarah 06-13-2016 09:08 AM

Re: Why am i the guilty one always at the end of it?
 
[QUOTE=boobootwo;5421979]Men tend to get over things much faster than women. What we feel is very important, a guy will pass off in no time. Don't put so much stress into what you should or shouldn't say. Once you get to know each other over time, you learn to understand each other little quirks. Don't fret. It's just part of learning about each other.[/QUOTE]
Yes i totally agree with you on that. It takes me so long to get over something and he gets normal in like 5 seconds. I dont know if its my temper or i am just like this. I hate myself for not being able to get over things easily like he does. He stays happy all the time but i am somehow or the other always held up by something in my head. Thank you so much for your opinion.

rosequartz 06-13-2016 09:21 AM

Re: Why am i the guilty one always at the end of it?
 
I'm glad you mentioned the word "manipulated"......that's exactly what he's doing to you

Saarah 06-13-2016 10:45 AM

Re: Why am i the guilty one always at the end of it?
 
Thank you rose :)


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