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  • I'm 49 years old, I should just get over it

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    Old 11-15-2016, 10:28 AM   #1
    TexasGroovy
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    Question I'm 49 years old, I should just get over it

    Growing up it was normal to hear my mother say, "What is wrong with you." A lot. I remember hearing those words throughout my life. As an adult, I always thought something was wrong with me. Mom wasn't always mean, as long as I stayed in my room, and kept quiet and never disagreed with whatever she said. She wasn't real maternal and my dad mostly gave me the hugs. My brother was the golden child and still is. Most of the attention I got was critical remarks from my mother, even through adulthood. I can only remember a few times where she said some very ugly things to me and my father would make her stop. My father died when I was 21 and my mother told me she felt I had killed him because I had been such a bad kid. He had brain cancer. I believed her, I thought maybe I had in some way contributed to an earlier death. I carried that burden well in to my late 30's. When I hit my 40's she asked me why I wasn't close to her and I told her what she had said had really messed me up over the years. She said she vaguely remembered it, and apologized. My problem now is, I have managed to distance myself from her over the last few years. I have much less stress in my life. I do however, feel a little guilty over it, because she calls and makes comments about me coming to see her, etc. My mother even told my daughter the other evening that I would regret not having a relationship with her, after she is dead. (she is 72). I don't sit and obsess over what she has said to me in the past but I just do not feel close to her and I don't know that I even want to. When around her I have to avoid certain topics because I know she will be critical of me and I just don't want to hear it. In fact, when I think about seeing her I start feeling depressed. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation and if so, what did you do or not do?

     
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    Old 11-15-2016, 10:40 AM   #2
    movielover40
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    Re: I'm 49 years old, I should just get over it

    Parents change over the years. My dad growing up was a real hardass and later in life we got along great. Grand kids really softened him up.

    Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

     
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    TexasGroovy (11-15-2016)
    Old 11-16-2016, 03:26 AM   #3
    MSNik
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    Re: I'm 49 years old, I should just get over it

    Its terrible, but I can relate. My situation is with my maternal grandmother. Believe it or not, she was NEVER there when I was growing up, I barely know her and my own mother, who I am close to, refuses to speak with her for pretty much the same reasons you just listed that you dont talk to your mother.
    My mom's brother and his kids (my cousins) hound me terribly that I do not acknowledge my grandmother (I am in my 40s by the way) and they go see her a few times a year. My moms brother also hounds my mom to see her mother before she dies.
    We (my mom and I ) talk allot about whether we should feel guilty about this and we support each other in the answer of "NO"!
    You cannot make yourself forget what she said/ did to you...you should not have to be guilted into having a relationship with someone who doesnt deserve your time or your love.
    If this is something you feel you have to work out before it is too late, you might consider going to see a family therapist, just you, to talk this through...but on the flip side, there is nothing wrong with you feeling like you do. Avoid her. Life is stressful enough without having people in it who do this to you! Let your daughter have a relationship with her grandmother if she chooses to do so, but keep yourself away if thats what you need to do.

    She sounds like a very lonely woman who is unhappy and wants to make you unhappy as well. Dont get sucked into that.

    Remember, you only have so many years to make peace with this...if it is important, YOU need to start fixing this, but you asked for opinons and if anyone has gone through it. Yes, I have, and no, I have no desire to fix this. I never had a real relationship with her, why would I start now? I dont feel like I missed out on anything and I dont have any respect for her. There was a time when I was the child without choice...she was the adult with choice. It was her decision not to have a relationship with me...now, its no longer an issue because as an adult, I no longer have time for this craziness!

    People start looking at their own mistakes as they get older...unless she is willing to admit to how she made you feel and make efforts to change and move forward, she isnt going to change. Your a big girl now. Its okay to not want this in your life. Remember that!
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    TexasGroovy (11-16-2016)
    Old 11-16-2016, 06:17 AM   #4
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    Re: I'm 49 years old, I should just get over it

    I'm also in my 40's too. I say I don't hate my parents but I have not visited them and talk to them either. My father was a really bad into alcohol while I was growing up and my mom never really was there for me either. I have 5 sisters and 1 brother, my 1 sister was pretty much my mother she was there for me all the time but now I lost her and my brother 5 yrs ago 6 months apart. I am totally lost without my sister (mom to me).. anyway I don't talk to any of them or there kids. I have helped all of them and none of them appreciated what we had done for them they all used me for the money. My parents told me I need to visit them cause they won't be around much longer well I told them road goes both ways on calls and visiting and they still haven't made the effort so I don't feel bad at all if I don't talk or visit them because I'm not going to let any of them get me down for it..so I say if she wants to make things right then let her know she has to prove it to you she wants to make things right let her know how you really felt about the past and if it shows she is trying to make it right then that will be great but if she is still negative toward you then you stop and nicely say there you go again thats why.... and walk away and don't look back and don't feel bad about it. Live your life to be happy as if she is not there.

    By the way I have blamed myself for my grandfather's and sister's death too because when I said I l--- y-- to them they past away. So today I won't even say that to the man I love so deeply he knows about it... I want to but I'm so scared to say it to him..
    Good luck.

     
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    Old 12-24-2016, 02:00 AM   #5
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    Re: I'm 49 years old, I should just get over it

    Less is best...
    That's my saying when it's family that I am less inclined to communicate with.
    Being that she's your mother there's a responsibility indebted to you that's not contingent on the type of childhood you had.
    If your brother is making sure your mom is properly cared for then good for them.
    Less is best..
    You don't need to subject yourself to her abuse.
    How would your father have expected you to treat your mom? So sorry to hear about his untimely death.
    Think positive when ever possible about your mom.
    Focus on the now and if it's still hurtful then stay away.
    Be comforted that you did your best. Don't have any regrets.

    Last edited by Krissanne; 12-24-2016 at 02:06 AM.

     
    Old 12-25-2016, 05:59 PM   #6
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    Re: I'm 49 years old, I should just get over it

    Dear TexasGroovy,

    I hope you are still reading. What a painful situation!

    As painful as it can be, still when parents and grandparents, older relatives and siblings are not there for us it's just a fact of who they are, not a reflection on you. So please do not accept the guilt-tripping. No need to confront your mum either. But definitely don't take any guilt upon yourself.

    It's a shame, but there are as many reasons for the rejecting behavior as there are people. None of it is the child's fault. My mom passed away many years ago, and I missed her terribly, so I thought. I know of many positive things about her, but not warm fuzzy feelings from her. Finally I realized I was mourning the mother I didn't ever have, and was able to accept my mother as a product of a lot of neglect and abuse herself. She never could be the mom I needed as a child. As an adult I accepted that she was a child that could not and never would grow up. But this took emotionally accepting that she could not mother me. It really was not against me as a person. She didn't really have the inner capacity to know me. I don't know if your mother has that capacity or not or if you want to let bygones be bygones. Only you can decide.

    But for your own sake you can choose to practice forgiveness. Eventually we can remember without the angst and know we turned out alright anyway. It seems that for the most part you have accomplished this.

    Is your mother still neglectful toward you, trying to guilt trip you? It never was your fault how she was with you, and you cannot fix it for her. Not your fault that life made your mother who she was and is. You alone can decide if you want that relationship and whether to risk drawing close.

    It seems from what you say that if no one was looking out for your mother you care enough that you would look after her interests. But someone else has that role. All you can do now is for your own sake, forgive her and let go of the bad feelings before they eat you alive. Not to excuse it at all, but no telling how she was treated that made her so indifferent and insensitive. That doesn't make her neglect OK. But she never can make up for the past. And you can't stop her from talking to other people.

    I don't think it's up to you to pretend there is a closeness that was never there. I don't think we are obligated to do more than have a polite conversation. You can have some polite answers waiting for those rude comments and questions. When she starts in on you, you can say "I love you but I just have to get off the phone now, mom" and hang up the phone fast. If someone tells you what she says, you can say, 'don't worry, my relationship with mom is fine'. Or just say, 'oh, you know mom...' and leave it with them.

    Eventually it will filter back to your mother that you are fine. If mom asks for attention you don't want to give, just say 'I'm just really busy, mom'. You can say the same to anyone else that asks you about it. You can check who is calling before answering the phone, and then make sure to phone back and be too busy to chat if she starts the blame game.

    You really can leave the blame game with your mom. It takes two to play that game and you can stop discussing it on your side.
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    Last edited by Administrator; 12-25-2016 at 06:00 PM.

     
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