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    Old 12-17-2016, 08:48 PM   #1
    Molly1870's Avatar
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    Boyfriends cling mother

    Hi, My relationship with partner is going down hill and i suppose im on here seeking some clarity, advice or even just someone who will listen.
    It's probably going to be a bit long but please read and if you have any advice or have had a similar experience please tell me! none of my friends have been through this and im not sure if im over reacting or not.

    Firstly i'll give you a run down of our relationship.

    We're both 22, have been dating a little over a year.
    We met in Overseas as I was living there on a holiday visa.
    My partner is a chef and i work a 9-5.
    Currently we have moved to Australia (my home) so my partner can do a working visa.

    His family is Him, Mum, step dad, brother and sister (17).

    When I first met his family they seemed lovely, until i stupidly moved in there which started the downfall of our relationship.
    Before this we were happy as larry and yes maybe the honey moon phase ended too but this is ongoing.

    I moved in with him and his family after losing my accomodation and since my family being on the other side of the world it seemed like a good move.

    I never felt comfortable in the house as i suffer from anxiety and more so the social type. I'm an extremely friendly person, but over think things. So, its already hard enough trying to impress the inlaws let alone living under the same roof.

    My partner was never there due to his career so I was left to be around his family more than i was around him. I was always helpful, cleaning up after myself, offering to clean whenever possible, laying tables cleaning after dinner etc. I was always plesent when I saw them, asked about their day, if they needed anything from the shops whilst i was out etc. The only thing I wasnt good at was excessive small talk. I spent alot of the time in the bedroom as it was too soon for me to feel comfortable with the parents and the siblings were always in their rooms.

    I decided not to live there and started looking at rentals, my partner wanted to move with me (still in the same town) and upon telling his mum of his plans he was guilted into staying. His mum told him that if he was to move out they'd have no money as his rent that he paid monthly was what was keeping them from going broke (both parents employed full time)
    So, we decided to stay because at that time i believed it and would hate to of seen their family struggle.

    Eventually i came to learn this was all a lie. As they went to the movies and for dinner weekly and were alwys coming home with bits and bobs that werent essential and always new clothes, not to mention the step dad drank a minimum a bottle of wine a night.

    We stayed there for a whole 8 or so months because i couldn't convince my partner other wise.

    Umong many of things that went on to make my experience there miserable the main one was his step dad telling me his true feelings about me... which were that i was selfish, rude, ungrateful and that i should ****** off back to australia. So we planned on doing just that.

    Through out my time living there his mum messaged him non stop.... even though they live in the same house. telling him its time to go to bed otherwise he'll be tired the next day. To brush his teeth. Asking where we were going when we went to the supermarket late at night. Asking when he'd be home.
    Telling him to bring her something from down stairs because she was too lazy to do it herself and ofcourse my boyfriend would fall at her knees and do it.


    I barely ever got to see my boyfriend due to his hours but i did every possible thing i could to try get a few minutes with him... Changing my shifts to match his days off, calling in sick if it was my last resort (only 1 or 2 times), staying up late just so i could see him when he came in from work, sometimes at 2am... I made so much effort to have time with him.

    His mother on the other hand made none... she instead demanded that every week they have a date night together (without me just the two of them) to which most of the time my boyfriend was paying for an driving her around.
    After a while it started to really annoy me because it had to suit her schedule..
    One day she was 'sick' on their planned night and instead demanded it to be the following day when we had already made plans and when told no. complained because 'she never gets to see her boy and he promised they would have a date night'

    So whilst they were out id sit at home in the room and try avoid having to eat alone with the man who told me to ****** off back to australia. I allowed it either way so that she couldnt complain.

    Before our move to australia they planned to have their last date night, which of course i wasnt allowed to come alog as it was only ever allowed to be the two of them.... but instead this time the other brother was invited along too.
    I felt like **** as i felt it wasnt just she wanted time with him, it was she wanted time without me there.


    It was my boyfriends 21st birthday and no one seemed to have made an effort leading to it other than inviting family around, so i took it upon myself to organise a cake. I asked if everyone could chip in a little money (as cakes are expensive) to which they all agreed... to this day i still havent recieved money from anyone...

    Any who, with all my effort gone into the day and the expensive cake all ready to go, his mum took it upon her self to make her very own cheese cake... and served it before the birthday cake... everyone was full up on the cheese cake so no one at the one i had ordered...

    among that there has been many little things that im probably missing.

    We have moved to australia for a year and have only been here 2 months.
    Since then my boyfriend has been nothing but harrased, messages every single day. ***** much too frequently, pestered about mail still being sent them in england etc....

    She always used him to vent about her problems which i didnt mind too much when we were over there but now that we're away she is constantly messaging bitching about her husband and her other kids and putting all her probllems on my boyfriend.

    I feel as though I have no one to talk to because he's so caught up in her problems and doesn't have time for mine.

    We have decided to look into my partner getting citzenship here as he loves it in australia. He told his mum about his plans and instantly was guilt tripped...

    Saying 'i knew this would happen, that you wouldnt come back.' 'is it something ive done' ' you didnt have to move to the other side of the world to get away from me'

    We also got a dog and she complained because we didnt tell her before we got it....
    We posted a status to rent our spare room out and he got a message saying 'if you need to rent out your room then you musnt be able to afford rent and maybe moving out of home so sudden wasn't a good idea' 'be careful who you have in your house, make sure you do a back ground check otherwise you'll get murdered'

    He's constantly feeling guilty about his decisions incase they some how manage to upset his mother and any time i ask him to approach a sitiuation he wont/ needs to be pushed incase what he says upsets his mum... even though its upsetting me.
    I constantly feel second best to her and like her feelings come first to mine.

    I've addressed all of this so many times and my boyfriend eventually stands up for me or seems to understand the within a week or so it completely back to how it was and i don't know if i can handle her always being there and always having her say in our relationship and our future. he's and adult now and is still be treated like a child.

    Will this ever end or do i have to end it because i cant compete with his mother?

    I hope im not over exagerating and that other people have had similar issues!

    Ps sorry for the spelling mistakes etc haha

    Last edited by Molly1870; 12-17-2016 at 08:50 PM.

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    Old 12-18-2016, 06:33 AM   #2
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    Re: Boyfriends cling mother

    From what I am reading, it seems that his mum is pestering him, not so much you as a couple. He has moved across the planet to be with you, surely that is a positive sign that you are the one who matters? His mother has been in his life for far longer than you have, and it sounds to me like they both need time to separate their lives. I suggest that if you want this man, be patient, don't get into it with him about her. Be the calm non judgemental kind person. He is the one who must deal with this clingy mother and a partner also getting on his case about it will not help. He will just have two naggers to put up with. Give him reasons to choose you and your patient kindness.
    Move on from the nightmare of living with his family; as time goes on I am sure he will gradually separate himself off her. He may already be doing this underneath. Sera

    Old 12-20-2016, 03:59 AM   #3
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    Re: Boyfriends cling mother

    I agree. As the mum of a twenty year old, I can't imagine not having him as close. Its quite a transition for the both of them to work out. It's truly between them.
    I often tell my mum, when she's jealous her hubby makes time with his dad... Be happy they have a close relationship. He knows how to love and be glad he's loved! I tell my mum to make plans with her husband apart from her in-laws.
    That way she gets time with her hubby and hopefully is less envious of his time with his dad.
    After all if you want this relationship to last, be patient.

    Old 12-20-2016, 12:02 PM   #4
    Dragonfly Wings
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    Re: Boyfriends cling mother

    Hey hun, big hugs! It's a hard thing realising your kids are growing up, she does sound very needy and needs to "cut the umbilical cord" so to speak, but he is still her baby and always will be so it's probably not going to be something that is going to change in a hurry - sorry!

    On the other hand, he has moved across the world for you, is looking at residency for you, and is with you without his Mother, these are all wonderful things! I think if you and your boyfriend can have a really good conversation about him setting acceptable boundaries with his Mum then things will be a lot less tense for you both

    In the end, you still may not be 100% happy with the time devoted to her, but she will still always be his mother, and he her little boy and to me that's a beautiful thing. It's all too often you hear of children being unloved.

    Sorry I hope that helped somewhat and didn't make things worse for you. All the best!

    P.S: my hubby and I have been together for 16yrs - his Mum clearly did not like me in the beginning (and hubby is the only male in an Asian/Aussie family so her little boy) but I stood my ground LOL. It took many years to stop butting heads with her, but we have the best relationship now <3

    Last edited by Dragonfly Wings; 12-20-2016 at 12:05 PM. Reason: add information.

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